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Getting back with ex? Fail :( Should I have done something differently?

MikeLeno

By MikeLeno
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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MikeLeno Member

MikeLeno

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Idk why, but I feel really empty this morning. I tend to wake up sad knowing I'm single now, but since it is starting to get really cold and the sun isn't up as much, it makes me miss her so much more and makes me think of our old memories during the cold winter times in Ann Arbor way more than I have over the past few weeks...I just feel super empty and don't know what to do anymore.

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Trust666 Established Member

Trust666

Posted
Posted

It sucks when someone you were with no longer wants you in the same way. It can be hard to deal with, nightmarish at times.

 

Then we screw up and push folks away, bruise our egos, and also lose our dignity. The easiest way past this is to realize "who cares what my ex thinks, they are my ex, they are no longer someone that matters in our life."

 

If there is to be a reunion either as friends or lovers it's not now and not something you can really plan for.

 

Healing takes time and it often has it's ups and downs...it's so hard, even when you think you have it mastered you screw up still.

 

You have to let it go, the relationship your actions, etc.

 

Go full NC and post here and or talk to friends and family, even a therapist will help. Get it all out and move forward. She is not waiting for you so don;t wait for her. Grieve as if she is dead to you. Get all schemes or plans out of your head and move on as best you can, time helps.

 

We feel for you, and many of us are right where you are, or have been or will be.

  • Like 2
Highndry Established Member

Highndry

Posted
Posted
Idk why, but I feel really empty this morning. I tend to wake up sad knowing I'm single now, but since it is starting to get really cold and the sun isn't up as much, it makes me miss her so much more and makes me think of our old memories during the cold winter times in Ann Arbor way more than I have over the past few weeks...I just feel super empty and don't know what to do anymore.

 

It's natural to feel that way. After my breakup, I find the nights, really any time I'm in bed, to be the hardest. I'm fine during the day.

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MikeLeno Member

MikeLeno

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It's natural to feel that way. After my breakup, I find the nights, really any time I'm in bed, to be the hardest. I'm fine during the day.

 

 

I find it hardest for me in the morning, since once I'm awake and conscious, the first thing that ever pops up in my mind is her and how we're not together anymore. It sucks bc we used to say good morning and good night everyday before bed. :( Night isn't as bad, since I'm usually really really tired

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MikeLeno Member

MikeLeno

Posted
  • Author
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It sucks when someone you were with no longer wants you in the same way. It can be hard to deal with, nightmarish at times.

 

Then we screw up and push folks away, bruise our egos, and also lose our dignity. The easiest way past this is to realize "who cares what my ex thinks, they are my ex, they are no longer someone that matters in our life."

 

If there is to be a reunion either as friends or lovers it's not now and not something you can really plan for.

 

Healing takes time and it often has it's ups and downs...it's so hard, even when you think you have it mastered you screw up still.

 

You have to let it go, the relationship your actions, etc.

 

Go full NC and post here and or talk to friends and family, even a therapist will help. Get it all out and move forward. She is not waiting for you so don;t wait for her. Grieve as if she is dead to you. Get all schemes or plans out of your head and move on as best you can, time helps.

 

We feel for you, and many of us are right where you are, or have been or will be.

 

 

Thanks so much for your words. I'm pretty sure after our contact and me forcing her to get back, she's def afraid of interacting with me and would want space for the both of us. My actions from before and now have only hindered any progress that we might have made through NC/LC...:(

A_New_Earth Member

A_New_Earth

Posted
Posted (edited)
Great advice!

I did contact her apologizing for what I did at the end, and I even asked if we could be friends. Yet, she said there could be a chance in the future but not now - since she's probably scared I might push for more again, and she might get hurt/annoyed/angry if I bring it up to her next time after deciding on being "friends". Thus, idk how long I have to wait before contacting her again or what the next step is :(

 

There is nothing stopping you from sending that above message right now. It almost seems like you're in a permanent state of 'limbo' because even now, you are going to be waiting for her to decide if you guys can be friends (because of your honesty in wanting more).

 

You need to do something to get the ball back in your own court. You don't want to wait around wondering if you can get given the 'opportunity' of friendship...because friendship is not what you really want.

 

This is the worst situation you can put yourself in. Because now, it's all down to her whether you guys are 'friends' and that's not even what you actually want. You're standing out in the rain waiting in a long queue to potentially pick up second prize dude. Don't do that to yourself. Send the message and draw a line in the sand. It's all of you or none of you. I know the movies like to portray the 'hard working' friend who 'wins' the affection of the girl... (Ross & Rachel in Friends). In reality, this happens 1 time out of 10,000. If you wait around trying to be her friend, she may contact you in a month or so and you'll be terrified to ever mention anything more 'serious' (because she's now shown you she won't stand for it). So you'll be stuck in that God-awful place forever.

 

Time to pull up your big boy pants and take back your own power. Regardless of what they say, women want men. The moment men turn into people-pleasing mode, scared to say what they really want...is the moment that the role of 'gay male girlfriend' is dished out to you. And it's the worst role on earth because you then get to watch the leading lady have her pick of cast members. And when it goes wrong for her or she needs an ego boost she'll come to you. You'll then lap up the attention, oblivious to the fact that you are essentially being used and then she'll be off again (safe in the knowledge she can return to you anytime she pleases).

 

I'm not knocking you or your ex. I'm just describing the movie I've seen countless times.

 

Time to change the DVD... :rolleyes:

Edited by A_New_Earth
  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

She did want me to open up and be more vulnerable, so I slowly expressed that side for her while we talked for 4-5 months and throughout the relationship. But I think I did it a bit too much, which turned her off. This is something I learned, since I probably should have kept some stuff to myself and not act too vulnerable/soft. I also wrote her too many notes and put her on a pedestal - always comforting her, always helping her through her struggles, and etc., which I thought she appreciated. Yet, it seems like it's all a waste now, since she deep down might not have wanted that side of me too much. Sigh, I wish we could have just communicated better and be opened when something put us off or something idk :(

 

BUT I guess you being nice to her and opening up was not what turned her off, it was the thought of a long distance committed relationship which would have been hell and the alternative was to have a good time at college with her friends.

 

Too many men have the stupid idea that women want men to be super cool, emotionally unavailable and "brutish...

There are plenty of reasons why women in LTRs ditch men but being too nice and opening up emotionally usually isn't one of them.

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MikeLeno Member

MikeLeno

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BUT I guess you being nice to her and opening up was not what turned her off, it was the thought of a long distance committed relationship which would have been hell and the alternative was to have a good time at college with her friends.

 

Too many men have the stupid idea that women want men to be super cool, emotionally unavailable and "brutish...

There are plenty of reasons why women in LTRs ditch men but being too nice and opening up emotionally usually isn't one of them.

 

I assume you read my other posts?, bc this is almost right on the dot. I think me being too nice and opening up/showing too much weakness is a factor. Yet, when the breakup was initiated, it was right when we were supposed to discuss how to battle LD head on. That and her having 2 more years in college and to have a great time with friends rather than be cuffed for 2 years of long distance possibly scared her.

  • Author
MikeLeno Member

MikeLeno

Posted
  • Author
Posted
There is nothing stopping you from sending that above message right now. It almost seems like you're in a permanent state of 'limbo' because even now, you are going to be waiting for her to decide if you guys can be friends (because of your honesty in wanting more).

 

You need to do something to get the ball back in your own court. You don't want to wait around wondering if you can get given the 'opportunity' of friendship...because friendship is not what you really want.

 

This is the worst situation you can put yourself in. Because now, it's all down to her whether you guys are 'friends' and that's not even what you actually want. You're standing out in the rain waiting in a long queue to potentially pick up second prize dude. Don't do that to yourself. Send the message and draw a line in the sand. It's all of you or none of you. I know the movies like to portray the 'hard working' friend who 'wins' the affection of the girl... (Ross & Rachel in Friends). In reality, this happens 1 time out of 10,000. If you wait around trying to be her friend, she may contact you in a month or so and you'll be terrified to ever mention anything more 'serious' (because she's now shown you she won't stand for it). So you'll be stuck in that God-awful place forever.

 

Time to pull up your big boy pants and take back your own power. Regardless of what they say, women want men. The moment men turn into people-pleasing mode, scared to say what they really want...is the moment that the role of 'gay male girlfriend' is dished out to you. And it's the worst role on earth because you then get to watch the leading lady have her pick of cast members. And when it goes wrong for her or she needs an ego boost she'll come to you. You'll then lap up the attention, oblivious to the fact that you are essentially being used and then she'll be off again (safe in the knowledge she can return to you anytime she pleases).

 

I'm not knocking you or your ex. I'm just describing the movie I've seen countless times.

 

Time to change the DVD... :rolleyes:

 

Would it be cool if you posted your email, so I can possibly contact you? I'd love to have a chat with you

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