J dub Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 My bf and I of 3 yrs broke up last month because he was considering moving to further his career (yadda yadda) and wanted to know what life was like without me. He asked to be friends but I said no way. He gets all of me, or none. Friends just hurts too much and prolongs the inevitable. I was STRICT with my NC. He sent me a text AND called me in that month (left me some lame message with our song in it but didnt actually SAY anything). I figured, unless he is saying I want you back, I'm not settling for crumbs any damn more. Well, saturday was the day after his bday and I got a huge email about how incredibly upset he was I didnt call to wish him a happy one. He said he checked his phone every 10 mins and was so disappointed, he missed me sooo much and life is awful without me. He wanted me back. I went out that night and we coincidentally ran in to one another. He cornered me and begged for me to come back. Because we were at the bar, I didnt want to talk about it (um yeah, not making decisions when I'm drunk). We agreed to talk the next day. So we got together and chatted, he launched in to everything he did wrong and how he will fix it, how he sees what we can do to make things better. How he made the biggest mistake of his life and he cant live without me. It was surreal because I enforced NC with the intent on moving on, not getting him back. Go figure. Anyway, I decided to work on it. We're not getting right back into exclusivity, he has to work for that. But already he has shown signs of huge milestones...talking about our future (he never did that before) stopping by to leave little notes, etc. I have heard that reconciling leaves very little chance for a relationship to work. That they usually just end eventually anyhow. Am I kidding myself here? I love him obviously and the people I dated while we were apart only made me long for him even more because none of them were anything like what him & I had. Besides taking it slow...what are some suggestions on making it work a second time around? We've identified what needs to be worked on to ensure that we're on the right track, but does anyone have any suggestions??? I am kinda lost...
Merin Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 If you're happy, then I'm happy for you Honestly there aren't any gaurantee's in any relationship regardless if it's a brand new shiny one LOL or a second chance one... It seems you're doing all the right things now in taking things slow and making him show you he has changed... My only advice to add is to not allow the negative things to continue to resurface, and be cautious about slipping back into behaviours that weren't good in the past... they can be very comfortable. Good Luck Honey
butterfly29 Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Hi JDub, Nice to hear back from you by the way. I don't know the complete story of your break up, that's why I can't really suggest you to either take him or leave him. Except to take a big breath and really listen to the true voice of your heart. What does your gut instinct tell you? I know it's hard to hear it right now because your head is overfilled with screams that you do want to get back together. But you can ask yourself these questions, why did he want to break up? was it his career or was he just scared of where the relationship was going? I've broken up with someone before to move to another state and change a career. But in reality I wasn't happy with the relationship I've had and I only realized it later. Can you trust this man again? Remember the saying, he fooled you once, shame on him, he fooled you twice, shame on you. Before what happened between you two a month ago, were there other signs? Did he do anything to break your trust in the past? Were there any red flags, was he abusive to you? Can you truly forgive him and forget the insident? Or will you have the lingering feeling that he might just pull this crap again? And finally, what made him change his mind? What made him realize that he wants you back? Why is it that before he was able to let you go thinking it's the right thing to do, and now saying it was the biggest mistake? That's a big change of heart within a short period of time! Is it because he feels lonely, bored, in desperate need to be loved, in fear of his future now that you're not in the picture anymore? From what I believe, true love doesn't drive people to do sudden changes like that. Fear does. I am not going to tell you what to do, that wouldn't be right. In fact, the only way you may be able to see the outcome or result is by going ahead and doing it. But keep in mind that there is a chance that the outcome may be twice as hurtful to you as what happened before.
butterfly29 Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Oh yes, and let me add, that for a while most guys you date WILL be boring to you compared to him, that's normal after a breakup with someone you loved. That's why it's not a good idea to date right away. You were just not ready. So don't judge the situation by your experience with other men after him. It simply hasn't been long enough. You simply were not in a position to accept someone into your heart, and now it becomes an easy excuse to justify that your ex is your true love and the ONE for you. Again, I am not saying you should absolutely dump your ex and move on. Just telling ya not to make any conclusions about not ever finding anyone better than your ex based on a one month experience.
Author J dub Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 He used the excuse that he wanted to make sure he was doing what was right for him, so by breaking up he'd know in time if we were meant to be together. He told me not to wait for him and I didnt, I was out dating and partying, but thats how I ran in to him -- at a bar while he was celebrating his bday. I think everyone has their own idea of what a "long time" (re: break ups) is. A month to me seemed like an eternity. He seems to feel the same. To some people, it takes them 5-6 mos to realize what they had. In this case, I am still a bit confused and hesitant about the whole situation because I dont know what to believe any more, but my heart is telling me if I dont at least give it a chance I will regret it. He's not the type to beg (very proud and stubborn), so the fact that he did shows he's really hurting. I guess I'm just tryin to feel out what other people think of second chances as a general idea. Is it pointless? I dont want to "recycle" a boyfriend, but its hard to say no to someone you love so much. Yes, it might go down hill and it will hurt real bad all over again. But I was well on my way to the road of recovery when he popped back in my life, so I know I will make it thru which ever route this relationship takes. I read some where once that any relationship that's been existing for at least two years had a break up in there somewhere. Somehow, someway there was a break, albeit maybe a short one? I dont know where I saw that though.
Author J dub Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 And no, he was never emotionally or physically abusive. He didnt lie to me, it wasnt a nasty break up and nobody was unfaithful. It was just....I want to have some time to myself, I have to do this....and we parted ways on good terms.
butterfly29 Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Yeah, I guess you're the only one who can decide what's right for you. And you'll be the one to know what's the outcome. I wish I could ask you to let us know what happens. Make a post and tell us how it goes. But only time will tell, and I'm sure many of us will be on our way too wrapped up in life and LS won't matter any more. All the best to you and good luck.
Author J dub Posted August 17, 2005 Author Posted August 17, 2005 Originally posted by butterfly29 Yeah, I guess you're the only one who can decide what's right for you. And you'll be the one to know what's the outcome. I wish I could ask you to let us know what happens. Make a post and tell us how it goes. But only time will tell, and I'm sure many of us will be on our way too wrapped up in life and LS won't matter any more. All the best to you and good luck. LOL you almost sound like we're all doomed or something with this comment
sanne Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 i honestly don't think you want to know anybody's opinion about this subject, especially on this forum. i think 90% of us have had second chances that went sour. i will tell you this though, since you gave me some great advice a while back, if you can honestly tell yourself that he has changed and you have changed for the better you've got a great chance at working things out. give it time, take it slow, and let things come naturally. it's EXTREMELY difficult to do this because you've already progressed way ahead of where you are now in the past and it's very easy to want to get back to that level of intimacy right away. i hope everything turns out ok.
butterfly29 Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Originally posted by J dub LOL you almost sound like we're all doomed or something with this comment No, I'm just saying that me and I'm sure many others here would like to hear how it goes with you. I'm sure beth would love to know... So please keep us posted, if you have time for it.
Author J dub Posted August 17, 2005 Author Posted August 17, 2005 Originally posted by butterfly29 No, I'm just saying that me and I'm sure many others here would like to hear how it goes with you. I'm sure beth would love to know... So please keep us posted, if you have time for it. For the record, he came by last night and immediately starting saying how much better he's been sleeping the past couple of nights lately (anotherwords it was a huge relief to talk to me again) and that he will never lose me again and will do anything it takes to make sure it doesnt happen. He said it was the worst experience of his life and he will not allow it to come about no matter what. He said, no more bullsh*t. We'll see, I take it all with a grain of salt, of course. Then he asked me if I had plans this weekend to which I said, not yet really why? and he said, cuz I'm taking you away. I asked where and he said with a coy smile, "I dont know..." I'm not sure what he has in store but considering he surprised me with a trip to vegas once, I dont doubt he has something up his sleeve for me. He also said something about how he sees that back when we were about to break up, he knows why we fought so much. He didnt ever go thru the effort to show me he loved me. he said, whats the point of loving someone if you dont show it? And stuff about how money means nothing if you dont have someone you love to share it with... I will keep you updated on what happens or any new developments. We met on very weird circumstances and reunited on a coincidental situation so I often joke that its fate that keeps throwing us at each other. Only time will tell
butterfly29 Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Cool! You sound happy... One question though. I remember you saying earlier that he was going out of state somewhere for his carreer. What did you decide about that? Are you going with him, is he not going anymore or are you gonna do LD?
Jackripp Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 I am happy for you. I have a question. Will you look at my situation and see if NC would work for me. Seems like she wants to be just friends now. Nothing more. Should I tell her I cant do that and do NC? I think it may work. but look at my situation please http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68826/ Thanks a bunch
Author J dub Posted August 17, 2005 Author Posted August 17, 2005 Originally posted by butterfly29 Cool! You sound happy... One question though. I remember you saying earlier that he was going out of state somewhere for his carreer. What did you decide about that? Are you going with him, is he not going anymore or are you gonna do LD? He found a school in this state (local actually) that hes already enrolled for and hes interning and a shop to get the tools he needs to apply for his career. He did all of that while we were apart, and now is already on his way to getting it done. I was amazed, he said that he did it because I am his motivation and he strives to make his life better so that ours can be solid in the future. Amazing what makes people tick, isnt it?
Author J dub Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 Just wanted to update or "check in", it has almost been 2 mos of us being back together and things are still going very strong No problems at all, actually...but I am keeping my heart on-guard until I am ABSOLUTELY SURE he wants this for the long run. I guess there's never guarantees in life, eh?
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