mrB2006 Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 I have been seeing an old friend from high school for about eight months. We were great friends back then. And now I think I have fallen for her. Let me explain... We are in our late twenties.. I met her on New Year's Day at the video store. We talked and talked. We set a time to meet. And before long we were seeing each other a couple of times a week. I took her to movies, art galleries, and museums. That was when I started to fall for her. She is very intelligent and witty. She is also very strong-willed and determined. I find these qualities very attractive. (She's also physically attractive). During our times together we would talk about everything from sex to politics. We told each other secrets about our lives. I see her and her family often. But now she is moving on to grad school in New England. I am moving on to a volunteer program for two years overseas. I am confused. We have not had sex. I haven't even kissed her yet. (I have come very close). I think that I know that she finds me attractive. But I am not sure... Body Language: She touches me A LOT. We went to a play and during intermission she gave me a neck rub out of the blue. We were at a booth at a coffee shop, she put her legs up on the bench with the feet facing me. We have constant eye contact.. The list goes on. Grilling Me: She says that she enjoys listening to my opinions. She constantly asks about my hobbies and interests. She even asked me about my thoughts of marriage (hypothetical stuff). In front of Friends and Collegues: She met my old boss at a coffee shop. He said to her that I was a great guy. She responded "He is a great guy" ( I am not making that up). And the killer: She invited me to help her move to New England. I accepted the invite. The main problem is that almost every time I meet her, she mentions an old boyfriend. Is she into me or not? I cannot get her out of my mind. I have spent countless nights wide awake because I am totally confused. Since we are moving on, does this mean that this is the end of the relationship? Opinions are welcome. Confused in the Midwest....MrB2006
Skeered Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Have you told her you are into her...maybe this is the time to stop playing who's going to say it first and you be the one to tell her what you think of her. Don't let the moment pass...She may mention the old boyfriend to get you to a point where you finally break and tell her you want to be her boyfriend (does that make sense) lol Grab this moment and tell her your feelings...see what happens..
alphamale Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by mrB2006 Is she into me or not? as a friend, yes.....as a lover, no.
Author mrB2006 Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 I am meeting her tomorrow. I was planning on telling her my feelings. I just dont to scare her away.
alphamale Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by mrB2006 I am meeting her tomorrow. I was planning on telling her my feelings. I just dont to scare her away. you do this and you'll look like a total idiot....this is fair warning.
Art_Critic Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by mrB2006 Is she into me or not? She doesn't seem to exhibit any of the symptoms of being into you .. In fact the opposite .. You are in the Friend mode .. Stay away from kissing her or going any further.. She wouldn't have been telling you crap about her exbf if she was into you .. Leave it at friends and go find another woman to almost kiss
Aimée Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by mrB2006 The main problem is that almost every time I meet her, she mentions an old boyfriend. That's it. If you're interested in someone you don't talk about old lovers. Period. You try your best not to scare the other person away. If someone always talks about past loves it means they want to make it clear to you that they're heart does not belong to you. If she was into you, her focus would be on you and not on people she's not seeing anymore. She's mentioning him every time ir order to remind you of this fact. (Yeah, subtle hints don't really work, I know...) On the other hand, I'd be confused about the touching, too. Personally, I'd not even want to touch any guy with a 100 foot pole if I can avoid it (unless I was interested in him). I've seen though a lot of guys post about girls doing things like touching them, sleeping in the same bed, giving massages, etc. - girls that definitely were not into them. I don't know what they think but it doesn't seem to be such a good sign as I had thought. I don't see anything thrilling about her inviting you to help her move to New England.
alphamale Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by Aimée If she was into you, her focus would be on you and not on people she's not seeing anymore. not to mention AIMEE that she would have already ****** on his **** and let him f*** her ****** style and they would have had *** in the shower....
Aimée Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale not to mention AIMEE that she would have already ****** on his **** and let him f*** her ****** style and they would have had *** in the shower.... How lovely you described this. Can love be more romantic?
kitkat826 Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Yeah I think Ive probably been guilty of leading some guy friends on by being intimate in a lot of ways. I think a lot of women get a kick out of knowing they can have a very close but completely platonic relationship with a man, its like a form of guilty pleasure control and self confidence. Of course its not always the women's fault, but perhaps shes just not aware of the mixed signals she is sending.
Outcast Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Don't be such a coward. It's not even close to true that speaking about other guys means she's not into you. Maybe it's just part of her conversation like talking about any other memory would be. Life is far too short for cowardice. You don't have to confess your feelings or anything like that. Just ask her what kind of couple she thinks you two would make. It's a very casual question that she can answer without directly turning you down. You will kick yourself for the rest of your days if you don't even ask her - and worse yet if you end up marrying someone else you'll spend time in 'what if' land when you quarrel. Do yourself and your whole future a favour and ask her that very simple question.
Skeered Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Originally posted by Outcast Don't be such a coward. It's not even close to true that speaking about other guys means she's not into you. Maybe it's just part of her conversation like talking about any other memory would be. Life is far too short for cowardice. You don't have to confess your feelings or anything like that. Just ask her what kind of couple she thinks you two would make. It's a very casual question that she can answer without directly turning you down. You will kick yourself for the rest of your days if you don't even ask her - and worse yet if you end up marrying someone else you'll spend time in 'what if' land when you quarrel. Do yourself and your whole future a favour and ask her that very simple question. exactly...take a leap here and don't miss a chance of it being something great. I have brought up past relationships with guys I have seen and it wasn't because I wasn't into them it was because that is a person I shared some of my life with. If you share life situations a past relationship is bound to come up sooner or later.
Author mrB2006 Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 Update: We had planned to go on a walk in the local park. I picked her up. While waiting for her inside her house, the phone rang. It was another man who had asked her to get coffee with her on Friday. Well, my heart sank right then and there. However, I shrugged it off. While on our walk, she started talking about sexual topics. She said she wanted to wait so she could find someone she truly loved. I told her that was admirable. (it makes you wonder that if she believes that then why is leading men on?) I didn't talk too much during our walk. On the ride back to her house, she said how she reminds herself of her brother, who is having problems with finding the 'right' person. At that moment, I said "Well, do you think we would be a great couple?". It threw her off. She hesitated. I was thinking to myself that I must have goofed it up. But at that moment I realized that it is purely platonic. And that is ok. Life goes on. She said that she was 'high maintainance". I laughed. Then right away she commented on the high gas prices. I thank everyone for their advice (on both sides of the issue). I may have messed up our friendship. But I had to ask for my own sanity. There will still be a place for her in my heart. mrb2006
Author mrB2006 Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 forgot to mention: when i asked the question, she took her time. then she asked me if I thought we would be a good couple . I said maybe.
kitkat826 Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 awww, well Im glad you asked. I think it was somthing you had to do. I know you will find someone else you connect with as well..life has a way of giving us people and lessons just as we need them so Im sure you will be better for it in the long run.
Outcast Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 And if you want to have her as a friend, you didn't worry her with declarations of undying love. I doubt you've messed up your friendship. Good for you for taking that chance. Now you know you can figure out what you can deal with (or not) with her from now on.
Author mrB2006 Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 Update: I did go on the trip to New England. I took your advice and accepted the fact that we were just friends. However, things got really confusing. We talked a lot on our trip. She asked me all kinds of questions. I felt like she was probing me. Questions asked: If you had kids, what would their names be? If you and your wife could buy a house, what kind would your buy? If your had the choice to marry a rich woman that you didnt love or a poor artist type, which one would you marry? If you and your wife were in need of money, and a rich man offered to pay to sleep with her, would you give your blessing? She also asked what I found sexy. She then asked me if I had any regrets in my life. I gave an honest answer. I told her about an gal I should have asked to the prom our senior year. The main reason I mentioned this was because I was getting quite uncomfortable with the questions. She commented that I should seek her, because I am handsome and intelligent. The next day she continued to ask questions, many were sexual in nature. I fired back and asked what she was looking for in a man. She said that she is looking for a man who is adventurous, artistic, and intelligent. She said that she has three "close male friends" who fit some of her criteria. She continued to say that I was one of those "close male friends" who fit the intellgent area. She continued to say that I stimulated her mind. (I laughed to myself-I thought that I could stimulate more than her mind-HA). She also mentioned several times that she was interested in my hobby that surrounded classic and foreign films. (Artistic area-possibly)? At this point, I became really confused. I got the feeling earlier that we were just friends. But now she was acting like there could be something to the relationship. (Not mention she was still touching me all during the trip). Also, during our stops with her friends she would talk a lot about me. (I may be making too much of this particular issue). On one stop with her old college friends, she talked about a sensitive guy she went out with. She said that she had to let him go because she felt she was too high maintanced for him. I think she was aiming that story at me? Now, I had mentioned in the first post that she talks a lot about exes. We actually stayed at one of her exes. It was the oddest thing. He was very nice. (dont know why she left him). He was my age. This brings me to the crux of the issue. She said to me that since she has been in our hometown, I am the only one her age. She has been going out with older men. Much older. One was 40, the other in his late 30's. She told me one story where one man said his wife was open to the idea of her "joining them". She said that she declined the invite. Another man is a professor, and is married, yet doesnt wear a wedding band. My question: Should I still leave a lifeline for her? I feel that she is playing with fire and she will get burned. A part of me says that she should suffer the consequences. But another part still cares for her. I realize that we are two thousand miles away, but what can I do? Why are there so many mixed messages from this gal? I don't want to be played as a fool. I am open to all opinions. Very Confused MrB2006
Author mrB2006 Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 Forgot to mention: She took me to the airport to see me go. She gave me the tightest hug I had ever received in my life. Again, I came close to giving her a kiss on the cheek, but didnt. I was still very confused with the mixed signals. I was afraid I would damage the relationship?
Aimée Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 She commented that I should seek her, because I am handsome and intelligent. Doesn't sound good... She said that she is looking for a man who is adventurous, artistic, and intelligent. She said that she has three "close male friends" who fit some of her criteria. She continued to say that I was one of those "close male friends" who fit the intellgent area. She continued to say that I stimulated her mind. (I laughed to myself-I thought that I could stimulate more than her mind-HA). She also mentioned several times that she was interested in my hobby that surrounded classic and foreign films. (Artistic area-possibly)? She's hinting that you fit her criteria, you're intelligent and artistic, what you're lacking though is the bold approach of the adventurous guys, the ones who come and sweep women off their feet, who take what they want, who don't hesitate and are afraid of rejection. They see something that interests them and they simply go for it without looking at the risk for failure. That's what she's missing from you and what she is telling you to do. She wants someone who knows what he wants and is "selfish" enough to get it. Who is self-confident and wants her enough to simply go for her. And if it doesn't work out will move one without regrets. I'm not saying: Be pushy. I say be self-confident and give her the feeling that you want her, as a woman, that you appreciate her beauty and intelligence. She's used to see men fawn over her, she's used to see men give her the looks but are too scared to approach her. She wants someone who doesn't see any obstacles in her beauty and intelligence and just tries it because he wants it. Take her as a human being that you find interesting but don't put her on a pedestal, that's just annoying. She said that she had to let him go because she felt she was too high maintanced for him. I think she was aiming that story at me? He was a wimp who couldn't handle her, that's what she's telling you. She wants a man who sets her in her place when she becomes bitchy. Someone whom she respects and wants, too. That's the important thing here, she must want to go after you, too. People with high demands after a while get tired of not meeting the right person, if you can convince her somehow that you're Mr. Right who will meet her needs you have her.Then she will go after you. She said to me that since she has been in our hometown, I am the only one her age. She has been going out with older men. Much older. One was 40, the other in his late 30's. She told me one story where one man said his wife was open to the idea of her "joining them". She said that she declined the invite. Another man is a professor, and is married, yet doesnt wear a wedding band. My question: Should I still leave a lifeline for her? I feel that she is playing with fire and she will get burned. A part of me says that she should suffer the consequences. But another part still cares for her. I think this girl is high-maintenance... I'm not sure if she's worth it. I guess if you made the right moves you might get into a relationship with her but personally I think she's too complicated for you to handle. You're too nice and too insecure (otherwise you wouldn't have posted this story), in the long run I don't think it would work out between you two. I realize that we are two thousand miles away, but what can I do? I'm not sure if having a relationship with her over such a long distance is a good idea. Can you stay calm when you know there are a bunch of guys there who are after her? And if it's not you who is jealous then I bet it's her. Why are there so many mixed messages from this gal? Because she's one of these high-maintenance girls who doesn't know what she wants. You've made your move. She has understood what you want and is now trying to make you understand through subtle signals what she expects from you to convince her that you're the right person. She finds you interesting enought to give you these signals, you should not underestimate them. You're still in the race, honey.
Aimée Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 By the way, she should have realized by now that dropping subtle signals doesn't work and that people are as they are, it's hard to change them.
Author mrB2006 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Posted September 7, 2005 I have been thinking about my situation for several days now. I can't even get any sleep over it. I was thinking about sending her an email explaining my feelings. Now I am not the type of person to gush with emotion. In fact I am quite stoic. I will say it like it is: "I want to grab life by the horns. I want a challenge. I know that you are not perfect, but neither am I. I respect your beauty, intelligence, and your spirt. I think we would be great together". She told me on our trip that she doesnt like it when men say that she is perfect. Question: If I do end up sending a letter or email, how should I approach it? I don't want to ruin our friendship. To be honest, I just would like an answer from her. I am not shallow enough to just cut off our friendship over this. In a way I think that being honest will make the friendship stronger. I just don't know how to approach it I guess. I kind of doubt that a LDR would work anyway. I just would like to know for my sanity. Any thoughts? MrB2006
littlekitty Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 You don't seem to be getting the answers you want by talking in this round-a-bout way with her. Sometimes in life to get the answer you need, you've got to be strong enough to just ask the question straight. You might not get the answer you want, but maybe it would stop the prolonging of the agony that you are currently suffering. It's up to you, play the games and keep the subtle hints going, or just bring it to a head and be straight with her and yourself. I know which option I'd take for my own sanity.
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 She's hinting that you fit her criteria, you're intelligent and artistic, what you're lacking though is the bold approach of the adventurous guys, the ones who come and sweep women off their feet, who take what they want I think Aimée's analysis is spot on. Don't write this girl a stupid letter - Alpha gave you fair warning. Don't fawn. And most of all: stop dithering. In the immortal words of Yoda "Do or do not. There is no try" Stop talking. Show her by your *actions* you are interested. Invite her to do something. Set the agenda and see if she follows it. Be confident and in control. Let *her* try to work out the intentions of this bolder, more masterful man. Let *her* be the one to write a letter because she needs to know where you stand. I think this girl is high-maintenance... I'm not sure if she's worth it. True on both counts. But since this is what you want - and you'll kick yourself for ages if you don't try - then go for it. Since I'm in poetic mood today: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master, If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss; You need that attitude. To complete the quote: be a man, my son!
Author mrB2006 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Posted September 7, 2005 ReluctantRomeo, Thanks for the advice. However, I have asked her out many times. I invited to a friend's bbq on Memorial Day, I took her to the local museum and art galleries, etc. I did set the agenda on many of our meetings. But, she is now two-thousand miles away. If I do send a letter it is not going to be mushy. I have never been one to let loose with my emotions. It will be matter of fact. It will NOT contain anything about undying love. I am afraid that that would make her very uncomfortable. (Her mixed signals made me uncomfortable, I don't want to reciprocate that). I just want her to know that I am there for her. She has taught me many things about myself. And I have learned many things about her as well. I really do admire her beauty, intelligence, and her spirituality. But I must know if she feels that the relationship can move in another direction. I realize that a LDR probably wouldnt work. This is eating at my heart big time. MrB2006
Aimée Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 "I want to grab life by the horns. I want a challenge. I know that you are not perfect, but neither am I. I respect your beauty, intelligence, and your spirt. I think we would be great together". I'd be seriously bored if I got this from a guy I was mildly interested in. She told me on our trip that she doesnt like it when men say that she is perfect. You're supposed to be aware that she is not perfect and accept her with all her imperfections but you're not supposed to tell her that she's not perfect. I'm talking about accepting versus criticizing. She knows she's not perfect but you with all your obsession about her put pressure on her to maintain her impeccable image. Question: If I do end up sending a letter or email, how should I approach it? Maybe you should stop writing so much and just kiss her in an intimate moment. Get close to her, stand still, make her nervous and then kiss her. Either go for it or stop boring her. I don't want to ruin our friendship. Your friendship will go down the gutter anyway, me thinks. To be honest, I just would like an answer from her. She told you everything you needed to know. What else are you waiting for? She's not going to make any moves till she's convinced that you're interesting enough for her. I am not shallow enough to just cut off our friendship over this. In a way I think that being honest will make the friendship stronger. More honesty? For what? She knows already that you're interested in her. If you manage to take it further then great, if not she will find someone else. You assume that her friendship with you is as important for you as for her but I'm pretty sure it's not. She will never give this friendship with you as much importance as a relationship with another guy because this is not a real friendship this is a wannabe relationship masked as friendship. I kind of doubt that a LDR would work anyway. You want it, so stop trying to convince yourself of the opposite.
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