Travelthewaters Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Hey guys, thanks for taking the time to read my situation. I’m female and 30 who recently just broke things off with a 37 year old man. A short recap: I had my heart broken about 2 years ago and after that I decided to save money and planned a trip to New Zealand for at least 6 months. I did a lot of growth during this planning stage of my life... my friendships with both my girl and male friends improved, i dove head deep into fitness and have a great and strong body, pursued my musical and artistic hobbies all while really just trying to be happy with where I am in life. Got a good career and great family who keep me grounded. Basically just enjoying life. I was very happy to be single before my big trip and have no one taking up mental energy. Of course the last two months before I left, I met a man who knocked me off my feet. He took me on sweet dates and was very vulnerable, caring and open with me from the getgo. We both knew that I was leaving and that it wasn’t smart to start anything but that’s how life goes. I gave up everything back home for this trip; my job, my apartment, my social life. We had a very intimate and wild physical connection but it was definitely more than just sex between us. To get to the point, he voiced early on that he sees me as relationship material but he’s not happy with himself, is still hung up on an ex and work (he has his own company) keeps him very busy that he just can’t fall in love or give anyone what they deserve when one is in a relationship. I knew all this, yet we continued to spend time together and fall more deeply into this affair, he even housed me for 2 weeks before I left for my trip. He cried when we hugged goodbye, said he had a really beautiful time with me, wants me to have a blast while I’m gone and hopes that I return, wants to stay in touch when possible. I’ve been in New Zealand for a month now, and because I’m house sitting out in the country I’ve spent a lot of time on my own with my thoughts. I’m having a beautiful time here, the landscape is amazing and I have a lot of really fun plans coming up which include being completely off grid for 2 months. Me and this guy have stayed in touch sporadically but I could tell that my feelings were stronger for him. He’s horrible at texting and I have also tried to give myself the space away from my phone but I couldn’t help feeling dissapointed when I realized he wasn’t putting any real effort into staying in touch. We just spoke on the phone for 1.5 hours because I sent him a message saying I wasn’t feeling good about our friendship anymore because it was distracting me from my trip and a 3 month affair shouldn’t hurt me this much and that I wanted to stop for now. He called me a day later and basically he agrees we should stop communicating because he’s not in a place where he can’t disappoint me. I asked him if he had feelings for me at all because the way he treated me and how emotional he was when I left made it seem like he did, but he said he didn’t. Doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hold me dear to his heart, says I made him feel really good and he’s very attracted to me but he’s still in love with his “evil” ex. Says he’s a broken man and needs time to work these feelings out and that’s he’s not able to fall in love with anyone right now. Says we had really bad timing but that he’s still glad we met and spent time together. So yes, i deleted everything and am planning on really focusing on my trip, but what i want to know, after being treated poorly, if someone shows genuine interest, kindness, honesty and loyalty, why let them leave your life? These kind of affairs are really starting to take a toll on my self esteem. I love with all my heart and over think things a lot, but I’m just sad right now that I’m losing another person I care about. I never forget people and just want to meet someone who wants to experience the world with me together. I don’t want to put my heart on hold for him, but In your experience have you ever made things work out with someone later on even though you or life wasn’t ready before? I do think he he has feelings for me and wants to stay in touch, he said he would always be there for me if I need to talk and definitely wants to see me again when I return. Part of me wants to chuck him into the wind, the other bigger part of me wants to occasionally stay in touch and show him I still care. Sorry for the wall of text, i appreciate any advice even if it’s harsh. Maybe some of you recognize yourself in this situation, I know no one can tell me what the future will bring or what he’s thinking, but it just seems like the older I get and the more I date, the more baggage people have and are not willing to work on anything anymore. Or I just have a knack for attracting men that seem to always be on the search for something better.
Miss Spider Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 (edited) I think you should cut this man off and move on. It might be hard for you because you genuinely are attached. Your heart does not want to let go. The truth is, if this guy felt a connection he would not have let you go. He was being genuine when he said that he did not want to waste your time. You have to believe him as hard as it is and as genuine as your connection may have felt to you. If it is truly meant to be, when he is ready and healed, he will come back to you. But instead of wasting your time, you will have been dating others in the meantime, so you may not even be interested anymore. Edited October 12, 2017 by Cookiesandough
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