Junebug80 Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 (edited) Hey guys... First time posting here...female, mid-30's, single (divorced). You would think by now I'd have an accurate grasp of this sort of thing, but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around this one male and his behavior, so here goes... We're going to call him Jack. Jack has been best friends with my female best friend (who also happens to be my roommate) since they were really young, and that's how Jack and I met. Last year I divorced, he broke up eith his gf of 15 years (both he and I had psychologically abusive partners), and we got together soon after with the intensity of an atom bomb. Problem was, for me it was too intense and I was still sort of seeing this other guy, so after about two months I gave Jack the "let's just be friends" shpeel and went on with my life, getting back together with the comfortable "other guy" in the meantime which eventually fizzled. He was devastated by this (so he says...he never "fell as hard so fast for a woman" as he did for me) and disappeared for a month, only to eventually reappear and continue his friendship with our mutual friend. He was around a lot, and as I got to know him better, things changed. I saw him in a new light instead of as a clingy man on the rebound. One night we had sex. Then it happened a couple more times, and BAM. I was falling for him. Hard. Problem is, after making it clear I wanted to pursue something more, he ran, telling me I had hurt him too badly the first time around (obviously not too badly to sleep with again, haha). It broke my heart, so I ran too. If he was around, I found other places to be, and eventually we both ended up doing other things and seeing other people. It took me damn near a year to stop thinking about him, and then one day he pops back up at our house again. I was friendly, but cool. After all, I'd let him go like the strong woman I am, right? Then the sweet texts start. He'd slept on our couch, and as I left for work in the morning he briefly woke to tell me goodbye. Then later via text "You should have woken me up to talk! It's been way too long." I blew it off, but random texts continued. "I miss you." "You know what this weekend is?" (The anniversary of the first trip we took together while dating.) "I still have that acorn we found out in the desert. :)" "So hard to believe it's been a year already! We should get together." Come to find out he was in the process of kicking the woman he'd been seeing to the curb. I continued to play it cool. No admissions of missing him too, blah blah blah. When our mutual female friend and I took off for my birthday weekend he tried to invite himself and I told him no...girl thing only. But after he invited me away for the weekend, I caved. Because what harm could it do? I drove halfway across the state to meet him, and he drove three hours to meet me then drove me back the three hours to where he was working. Wined me. Dined me. Payed for a hotel. Took me to a hot springs, and drove me up a mountain so i could photograph the summit. Sex all weekend initiated mutually. I had my guard up though. Never was I gooshy or overly affectionate. If anything I was a bit standoffish, but we had an amazing time. Only at the end of the journey did we bring up what happened with us the previous year. He still insisted that I broke his heart ("But you didn't want me!"). I told him he broke mine, and yes I did very much want him. We both agreed that we were in better places now...happy being single, but not wanting to spend the rest of our lives alone. At the end of the conversation he asked if I was dating anyone. No, I replied, but that guy from the past that Jack was so hurt over still sniffs around. I was honest about this. So we left the restaurant, walked to the car, had a moment together, and he told me he'd be up in a few weeks (he will be...he's taking our friend's son hunting). Kissed goodbye, made sure to text me that he enjoyed our time together and "catching up". Told me to make sure I checked in on our drive to let him know I was safe. That was Sunday. Monday we texted all day, but I could tell I was initiating more. Monday evening I sent him, "Hey, call me in a bit if you get the chance." Nothing. He went full on ghost mode since then (this is Wednesday afternoon), and I've done nothing. Haven't attempted any further communication. Obviously we've both hurt each other at varying points (there's much detail I've left out). Obviously we can both be ****ty people. Whats hard for me is that I can see myself marrying this guy. He makes my heart sing in so many ways, but I can't decode his behavior or even what he wants from me. I'm investing too much energy into him right now, but can't seem to stop myself at the moment. I want to tell him beyond a doubt that I'm done tiptoeing around, being coy, playing it cool. I'm sure of what I want now. It's him, and if I've been given another shot at this, I don't want to blow it. Did he just want sex? Am I his fallback girl? Did I really hurt him that badly? Is he truly just confused now by my own hot/cold behavior? Do I really mean that much to him if he can just go AWOL again? Is this all my fault for just trying to keep it light and not being straightforward about my true feelings? I'm going to give him the space he obviously wants right now, but I can't do it forever. I feel weak by just investing the time to post this, lol. As females we've been conditioned into playing it cool so as not to chase the man away by being too clingy or needy. Yes, I'm independent, I'm no angel, I make mistakes. I'm wondering if I played the wrong hand by not just being straightforward in the first place. Edited October 11, 2017 by Junebug80
Author Junebug80 Posted October 11, 2017 Author Posted October 11, 2017 Any real answers here besides sex bots?
Cersei Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 Any real answers here besides sex bots? No. The longer posts often don't get read. Give us the short version.
RecentChange Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 I don't know.... I think you were scared to be vulnerable - ie running off the first time you started falling for him. And it damaged things. Now it's a push pull. Hot cold. Calculated interaction instead of just being natural and letting things happen.... My advice would have been to be genuine and tell him how you really felt.... But games have been played since then. 2
jjgitties Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 It sounds like you like to play games and are all over the place. You first say you brushed him off. Then you say you are both happy being single and in a better place. Then you say you see yourself marrying the guy? What gives? 2
Miss Spider Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 If a serious relationship with this man is what you want, you need to tell him what you want and be on the same page. If he says he doesn't want that, you should walk. Don't be strung along. It really doesn't matter what his reasons are and only he really knows that. All you know is he either wants to be in a serious relationship with you or he does not. If he does not want to be with you then he just wants to be FWB/casual. If you continue to go with the flow you may set yourself up for hurt. Like when he gets into another serious relationship 1
Cobra_X Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Sex all weekend initiated mutually. I had my guard up though. Never was I gooshy or overly affectionate. If anything I was a bit standoffish, Did he just want sex? Am I his fallback girl? Did I really hurt him that badly? Is he truly just confused now by my own hot/cold behavior? Do I really mean that much to him if he can just go AWOL again? Is this all my fault for just trying to keep it light and not being straightforward about my true feelings? I'm going to give him the space he obviously wants right now, but I can't do it forever. I feel weak by just investing the time to post this, lol. As females we've been conditioned into playing it cool so as not to chase the man away by being too clingy or needy. Yes, I'm independent, I'm no angel, I make mistakes. I'm wondering if I played the wrong hand by not just being straightforward in the first place. I will be honest. I have no idea what's going on in his head. However, in reading this I know what would be going through my mind. Being standoffish and cold at the same time as initiating sex. How do you think that comes across? What would you think if a guy had sex with you, but afterwards was very cold and uncaring? You seem so caught up in playing games and following poorly designed rules that you have likely missed out on something great. The only way for you to fix this is to openly acknowledge that you have been playing games and promise to stop. Even then because of your past history of dumping him for other men... who knows how he will respond. 1
The Urbanyst Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 More than likely, he no longer trusts you, so he is just using you for sex. At least that's how I operate. With women I'm attracted to I always start off wanting a relationship with them. But if they jerk me around too much, play games or show inconsistent levels of interest, I will just demote them to sex toy or move on all together. This "playing your hand" and "being standoffish" nonsense is juvenile and makes you come off dysfunctional.
Author Junebug80 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Posted October 12, 2017 I want to thank you all for your responses...criticism is constructive and always makes me look at things in a different light. It also makes me question my own emotional maturity going into relationships. In reality I hate playing games. For awhile I was seeing a counselor before my insurance ran out, but I'm not sure it was helpful. There was a lot of PTSD incurred from my marriage. I learned certain behaviors, such as fear to speak out and give my opinion. 9 times out of 10 it would start a fight...could be something as simple as buying the wrong beer or letting him know gently that something he was doing didn't feel good to me. There was no right way, therefore I learned to keep my mouth shut. Jack experienced similar things in his previous relationship, therefore when we came together the first time it wasn't for the right reasons. He's an incredible person. I know that now, but the little voice inside my head screams of rejection...of being too needy. You're all right. I need to just tell him how I feel and stop this BS. He did reach out again last night while I was sleeping, and I responded this morning. I think I'm just really dysfunctional (as someone pointed out) with this part for many reasons.
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 You know what....if you were really worth it to him, he wouldn't toss the you hurt my feelings card at you and be a grownup. IMO he just wants NSA sex but covers it up his intention by playing the victim over and over again. All he is doing is manipulating you, pulling at your heart strings to hoover you back. Whether it's to get sex out of you, or revenge, this guy is a jackass. 3
coolheadal Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 No. The longer posts often don't get read. Give us the short version. Now, now I read all of them as long as they type it out. Trick is use Google Translate same time and I get a nice woman voice to tell me what they're trying to say to us! LOL Let the computer you have to it's job and let it dictate back to you what they have typed. Yes that's simple!
Miss Spider Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 You know what....if you were really worth it to him, he wouldn't toss the you hurt my feelings card at you and be a grownup. IMO he just wants NSA sex but covers it up his intention by playing the victim over and over again. All he is doing is manipulating you, pulling at your heart strings to hoover you back. Whether it's to get sex out of you, or revenge, this guy is a jackass. This is cynical but most likely the case
coolheadal Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 (edited) I want to thank you all for your responses...criticism is constructive and always makes me look at things in a different light. It also makes me question my own emotional maturity going into relationships. In reality I hate playing games. For awhile I was seeing a counselor before my insurance ran out, but I'm not sure it was helpful. There was a lot of PTSD incurred from my marriage. I learned certain behaviors, such as fear to speak out and give my opinion. 9 times out of 10 it would start a fight...could be something as simple as buying the wrong beer or letting him know gently that something he was doing didn't feel good to me. There was no right way, therefore I learned to keep my mouth shut. Jack experienced similar things in his previous relationship, therefore when we came together the first time it wasn't for the right reasons. He's an incredible person. I know that now, but the little voice inside my head screams of rejection...of being too needy. You're all right. I need to just tell him how I feel and stop this BS. He did reach out again last night while I was sleeping, and I responded this morning. I think I'm just really dysfunctional (as someone pointed out) with this part for many reasons. I read everything or had it read to me as you were typing it. What I can see with you two are good for some things but not a fully in depth relationship well to put it mildly "you two can't really be together 100%" I mean can occasionally hangout, have casual sex when you feel up to it. Just live like you do now without really living together in a sense. You're too independent to have a my like him who is so emotional where you don't want to show or have the emotional base well it clearly shows in the way your trying to make your point. I know and feel and sense that you are completely a wreck in heavy duty relationship, you just can't seem to cope the prior divorce marriage really did your head him. I see he has the same train wreak track record as well from his prior divorce marriage. What you both can really do and get in tune with your inner self because boy oh boy you both are a mess dating each other. You need too, do a fully psychic cleansing detox also called A Spiritual Detox sort of. You both need to join a Reiki Healing Group and really invest the time to get the Reiki Master to do private healing first on you and then on him. But you still need a group session of healing. You can't keep doing what your doing it doesn't make much sense. It's just a nightmare with you two. You love him he love you. Both got I love you down pack but you just don't know how to cope with each other emotional. I do not know where or what else to say because the reading I getting is all over the screen.. Even if you don't believe in spiritual healing you best start if you want a good happy life. Your energy mentally is off the charts. I've seem this before in others I help. You really need a good long cry not a cry of hurt but a cry to take out the prior bad times you had with your divorce marriage.. That crap needs to leave your mind, your body and soul it's still in you. He can to do the same thing too your Jack... Good Luck and I wish you to both the love and happiness we all share, I was like you at once I did all what I said I am Reiki Master also psychic healer! Shanti - Peace Edited October 12, 2017 by coolheadal 1
TheTraveler Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Too much damage done on both sides. I would walk away and move on. Think to yourself, is this how you want a new relationship to start? Also, sounds like distance is a problem. The next time you see him is in a few weeks? I would have a problem with that. 2
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 (edited) I always tend to be leery when someone (not the OP) claims to have had an abusive partner.....sometimes they are actually the abusive partner or there was no abuse at all, just a relationship that has gone crappy. I'm also a Chaos magician. Edited October 12, 2017 by smackie9 1
Author Junebug80 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Posted October 13, 2017 Interesting responses (no sarcasm). Thought provoking. When he did contact me again yesterday morning it was casual, so I too kept it casual (mirroring him, if you will). Out of nowhere he turned things sexual. Of course I responded in kind, and after a heated exchange he went silent again. I do know he's working a strenuous job right now, but that's me overanalyzing the situation and looking for answers where either there are none or they're so blatant they're staring me in the face. Either this whole situation is him weighing things out slowly, or as others have suggested, he's feeding me crumbs to keep me hanging around for more sex. Enjoying me, but not enough to fully commit to anything. And I'm trying to create something meaningful out of a train wreck. (Introspection)
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