lovesmacklips Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Hi everyone. I am having problems dealing with forgiveness and moving on. I was recently hurt by a good friend ( or what I thought to be a sister) and I am having a lot of issues moving on. This person was the complete opposite of who I thought they were. She was funny, she was honest, she was great. Anything you could ever want in a friend. She looked after me and I after her. We laughed about everything and I was able to open up to her and be understood by her in a way that i couldnt with anybody else. We went though a lot together and now well ... I can't stand the Fvking b8tch!!!! Completely fake. Hurt me, lied to me, lied about me and now has everyone thinking I am the bad one. I am just so hurt and in complete shock still as to what happened and still trying to figure out why she did what she did and why she is still doing it. I don't even talk to her but because of certain circumstances we still have to see each other every once in a while. What I hate is that well after everything she put me through her fake a$$ is still convincing people that I am the bad one and that everything was all my fault and that she's the poor, innocent victim. GRRRRRRRRR it really bugs me. Then she had the nerve to apologize and still talk behind my back and its so high school its annoying really. I really get along well with everyone and don't really hate people but for the first time I think I can honestly say that i hate her. Every time I see her I get this overwhelming feeling of hurt, pain, disgust anger. I jut want to lash out at her. But since this happened a while ago I can't even say anything. The situation really bites. I can't go into to details but I just wondered if anyone else was forced to deal with a situation like mine and how do you deal with it? How you deal with hurting so bad, to then everyone thinking your evil, to losing who you thought was a friend for life???? Then having to see them everyday and everyone treating her like an angel and no one seeing her real side?? How do I not go crazy??? And no talking to her will not fix the problem trust me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 As long as you are this angry, your anger will blind you to anything approaching effective in dealing with this. You will need to separate yourself from her long enough to rein in your anger. That is your first step toward getting yourself out of this. The only way this will happen is if you physically and emotionally separate yourself from her and enforce 'no contact' on yourself until you can think more clearly. Until you reach that point, anything you do is just going to work against you. The only way that people are going to see her 'true side' is if she slips up and shows it to them. There is nothing you can do to convince people to see her the way that you do, so you will have to hang up that idea. Your best bet is to work on yourself first, to focus and concentrate this rage into something more constructive and useful - something that perhaps you can work into a way to expose this girl for what she is. But, for now... put that idea aside and work on yourself.
morrigan Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Don't keep feeding the situation. If you see her in public, act calm and ignore her totally. Stop talking about her to people and don't respond to anyone about what comments she makes about you. If someone mentions her to you, say, "I'm past what occured," or "We had a falling out, I'm not interested in drama," and change the topic. Obviously you can't change how she treated you or what she says, but you can change how you react to it. Don't waste hate on her--read a book, work out (exercise is a great stress reliever) do something to take this person off of your mind. Moving on with your life is the best revenge.
justme5 Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 You say that you can't talk to her but have you tried? People change and sometimes the only way you can move on is if you confront her and tell her how much she hurt you. You seem as if you have to much anger and hate. That's never a healthy thing, try to take this energy and turn it into something more positive. Will it make you feel better to talk to her? OR Just move on slowly and realize maybe it's not worth it? It's hard to find closure on something that hurt you but I think the best bet is to talk to her. Maybe just maybe you can clear your head this way, even though you say it won't work. I had a fight with a friend, I wouldn't' go as far as saying I hated her but she told me once when I actually had the courage to talk to her, that all she wanted was to talk and for me to put some effort. And I did, I wouldn't' say we're best friends again but we still talk occasionally and respect each other at least. I was able to get my closure and move on, to me that's the only way. Good Luck, and don't hate, that's such a strong word!
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Somehow you need to let go, care less and move on. By doing this you won't care if you see her or not. Remember, SHE screwed YOU over, so don't feel bad. It wasn't YOU, it was HER. So, with that in mind, DON'T waste your energy into trying to figure out why she is the way she is. Maybe she is unbalanced, maybe childhood past experiences screwed her up so she can't fully trust. I don't know...But again, don't waste time figuring it out.
LonelySoul Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 I would hate to be your enemy. Just let it go, who cares move on and be happy she's out of your life.
Author lovesmacklips Posted August 17, 2005 Author Posted August 17, 2005 Thank you so much for your advice. The thing is she is not out of my life. I have to hear about her constantly and she hears about me and I hate that. I also have to see her at least two times a week. Its something I cannot change. I just found out even more things that she is saying and doing and OMG I have daydreams about just putting my hands around her neck until she turns blue and then letting go. I know it sounds evil but you have no idea what constant torture I am going through.
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Ok you can't you control what she thinks/feels about you, nor her hearing things about you...But, you can control how you think of her and what you hear about her. If somebody is talking or mentioning her, walk away or ask them to not bring her up while you're around. Hahaha, I had a co-worker, a real piece of work too, who just pissed me off at times and would get under my skin. I'd daydream about sticking scissors in her head, poking out her eyes...Then letting that visual come into my head made me laugh ...All my irritation would go away.
LonelySoul Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 Originally posted by lovesmacklips Thank you so much for your advice. The thing is she is not out of my life. I have to hear about her constantly and she hears about me and I hate that. I also have to see her at least two times a week. Its something I cannot change. I just found out even more things that she is saying and doing and OMG I have daydreams about just putting my hands around her neck until she turns blue and then letting go. I know it sounds evil but you have no idea what constant torture I am going through. You're beating yourself up because of a friend (who mind you, you haven't given any reason as to why you hate her) who you use to be close to and something went wrong, and now you only see her about twice a week? It looks to me as if you're the one with the issues. If this was your true friend and you loved her and cared for her as a sister no matter what happens you wouldn't' wish her bad things to happen or to kill her. I'm sorry but theirs nothing a friend can do to me for me to hate them so much after I've cared for this person ( unless they're intentions were to actually hurt me and I had proof). I would be upset hurt and angry but I would talk to her, clear my head and then give her the cold shoulder if I had too but I wouldn't want nothing bad to happen to her. You need to really take control of your emotions and find out what really bothers you. Is it that she's rubbing things in your face? Is it that she seems to not care and has not shown any remorse for you? Do you want to have a talk with her and can't? I mean you really need to think about this if not you're going to pop and do something crazy or you might just get more upset and honestly you can't really do anything about it. Just remember no one can do you harm unless you let them. Maybe some counseling will help!
RecordProducer Posted August 19, 2005 Posted August 19, 2005 Don't worry, people don't pay so much attention to what she talks about you. They know you too. Nothing she says will make them change their opinions of you unless it has to do with them. E.g. if she talks that you offended her or slept with her boyfriend or used her or didn't help her when she needed you, they won't really care. She will eventually stop talking and they will forget what she said about you. But if she is telling things that the listeners might take personally (e.g. she is saying you're a racist and they are blacks) then you can only go around and tell your side of the story (or just tell you miss her friendship so people can see that you're forgiving and kind, although you don't miss her friendship). It's a tough one in any case. Actually talking to her would help. You know, a real pathetic Hollywood style scene where you come to her in peace and tell her that you should be friends again and get past all the problems and not gossip around. You'll have to get used to the situation and accept that you're not a hero among those people or consider leaving the place/job. Some things we just can't repair. We can't influence people to think we are good if they already think we're bad unless we show with deeds that we're not what they think of us.
clandestinidad Posted August 20, 2005 Posted August 20, 2005 I only read part of your post....and didnt really read any of the replies, b/c I only have this to say: what a perfect example of why I'm not friends with girls (a few are okay, but most are not)....too manipulative, evil, backstabbing, fake, shallow, selfish, competitive, and mean. of course, remember that I said NOT ALL!!!!!!
Tahretoy Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Yeah, I not only went through it with a couple of girls in my life, but an ex-boyfriend. It was very diffucult to deal with. But, I realized it was a chance for me to grow stronger and wiser and those people are still the same weak pieces of pooh. The first thing I had to do, (sounds cliche) was to forgive them. Not for them, but to start the healing process. Then the pain started to subside. That gave me the strength to remain calm and smiling, un-attached when that person was around. Next, I realized I was "shrinking" when this person was around. And, I needed to be doing the opposite. Shine! with every ounce of the word! Show what a loving, sincere, kind person I was! (don't think people weren't testing after what happened to try to see who the "good" person was, they were, and I passed every test!) With time, because my character was on a higher level than the other persons, they eventually saw what the real deal was. Then, I had to forgive my friends for not standing by my side. Life is not fair or is it painless. Take it seriously but keep it light.
Mr.positive Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Let go of it everyday a little more and more.
Author lovesmacklips Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 Next, I realized I was "shrinking" when this person was around. And, I needed to be doing the opposite. Shine Exactly!!!!!! I couldnt have said it better myself! Thank you for all of your kind replies. I really didnt mean I wanted something bad to happen to her...I was just venting. I haven't approached her yet because I am still too hurt by the past and besides I miss who I thought she was not who she is today. I dont think the person I thought she was will ever come back? As for now I am just not talking about her and I am doing my won thing and not letting my anger consume me.
she_9325 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 you'll never be able to control what people think anyway. if they think badly of you based on lies that she is feeding them that's their problem not yours. you know the truth. simply stop all contact with her and move on.
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