ww Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Why would you like to put yourself once again through all that pain? I`ve been in relationship with MM too. I wouldn`t take him back as lover. The only thing is to keep civil. There can`t be a relationship ( a healthy one ) with MM.
newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 slg, this only tells you the worst, that he was only with you because of surface things and so that he could have sex with somebody younger and more attractive physically, get an ego boost that he could get someone young and attractive, and get to have sex ON THE SIDE of his deep bond with his wife. she may or may not get over this affair, that is something you cannot control, what you can control and do have a choice in, is whether or not you get over this guy who used you. please slg, why on earth would you want to go back to being treated like that?
L4L Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 I really wish you would consider trying to look even more objectively than you already have. Yare 14 years younger or so than him. Is he the same age as his wife? This may not seem like a big deal right not to you but project into the relationship you THINK you want with this man and what it would be like when you want kids and he looks more like grandpa. In your 40s you start to age more quickly than your 20s and 30s , so in his 50s he will start to age even faster while you are just realizing what it means to be a woman. At your age you don't even know that yet. I am 43 and must say, I am not attracted to 50 y/os. I can not imagine how you will be in your 30s! Think long about what you are saying, I think you want what you envision not what you would really endup with...Try to think. I can be a little graphic for you, because the mans body does change with age. (for some examples, their scrotum drops and their dicks recede, sometimes this make the sac longer than their dick, the skin around their arms start to sag, so if he has muscular arms now, they wll get softer more quickly and the skin will loosen to look like little old lady chins, you will hit your sexual peak just as he comes into his sexual demise/decrease period...you really need to think in realistic expectations not what you dream about.) About going back to his wife, yes, YOU need to step way back and tell him not to contact you unless he has divorce papers in hand. I mean that. You are torturing yourself by allowing yourself to believe that you would be able to convince him that he should choose you over his wife and family, whether or not you SAY that is not what you are doing, it is. If you contact him or buy into his contact, you will once again be competing for an oder married man and hoping he leaves his family and wife for you. Do not set yourself up in such an absurd situation. I would love to know the ages of his kids and how you view being ablr to interact with them. They will hate you, he will be in a tug of war for the rest of his life, that is reality- you will be dads slut, if you try to stay in the picture. Don't you want more respect from family mambers? Have you seriously thought this through?
lust4life Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 I really wish you would consider trying to look even more objectively than you already have. You are 14 years younger or so than him. Is he the same age as his wife? This may not seem like a big deal right not to you but project into the relationship you THINK you want with this man and what it would be like when you want kids and he looks more like grandpa. In your 40s you start to age more quickly than your 20s and 30s , so in his 50s he will start to age even faster while you are just realizing what it means to be a woman. At your age you don't even know that yet. I am 43 and must say, I am not attracted to 50 y/os. I can not imagine how you will be in your 30s! Think long about what you are saying, I think you want what you envision not what you would really endup with...Try to think. I can be a little graphic for you, because the mans body does change with age. (for some examples, their scrotum drops and their dicks recede, sometimes this make the sac longer than their dick, the skin around their arms start to sag, so if he has muscular arms now, they wll get softer more quickly and the skin will loosen to look like little old lady chins, you will hit your sexual peak just as he comes into his sexual demise/decrease period...you really need to think in realistic expectations not what you dream about.) About going back to his wife, yes, YOU need to step way back and tell him not to contact you unless he has divorce papers in hand. I mean that. You are torturing yourself by allowing yourself to believe that you would be able to convince him that he should choose you over his wife and family, whether or not you SAY that is not what you are doing, it is. If you contact him or buy into his contact, you will once again be competing for an oder married man and hoping he leaves his family and wife for you. Do not set yourself up in such an absurd situation. I would love to know the ages of his kids and how you view being ablr to interact with them. They will hate you, he will be in a tug of war for the rest of his life, that is reality- you will be dads slut, if you try to stay in the picture. Don't you want more respect from family mambers? Have you seriously thought this through? I also have to give you some perspective from his and his wives eyes. I do not know how long they have been married but will tell you that often we can see our spouse as the age when we met, the look on their faces and the look in their eyes is so often exactly the same. If his wife has changed, he realized the relationship made her change, and he was there through it. It isn't so much of a she did it, it would be a we did it. IT goes the same for the wife. Right now, even if you don't want to believe it they very well may be having some very intense rebonding sex. It is natural. even if the marriage doesn't survive, right now they are most likely clinging to each other, whether or not you understand, this can be a very healing period for them, and healing whether or not the marriage makes it. You do need to stay away. You would be fooling yourself to think that YOU would not get much of the blame if you keep trying to but in here. If you try to get in contact, what is most likely to happen is, 1. he tells his wife you keep calling and she will want him to get a restrainging order against you. 2/ she contacts you herself and you say the speil you mentioned in another post about all the things you could tell her that would end their marriage and YOU make her even more portective of her life and her husband. Very often an affair will produce the best marriages, the affair will be catylist to the couple becoming the couple they both wanted all along. Fighting together against YOU.
lust4life Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 MM can not come up to say to you- Hey, I have been married a long time and feel a bit distant from my wife. I am getting lazy with our sex life and don't want to make the effort to arrange sitters and dinner reservations or try to coordinate our schedules, it would be much easier for me to get a little on the side from someone willing to fit into my schedule. Someone that will oine for me and wait for me instead of liek my wife, being involved int he kids school and their social life. I am hitting middle age damn it and I just really want attention and to feel carefree again. My wife is okay, she has been a great wife, it is just our relationship is a bit boring right now, and you would be a good distraction for a while. He can't say that, he has to justify his wants in terms that make you believe you stand a chance at the little dream he believes is in all womens heads and that's what he uses. 1. you make me feel so good ( but does it work the other way, does he really make you feel good being 2nd or 3rd or furthr in line? Let me tell you there is something to be said for a few hours of no responsiblity and carefree sex, but there is nothing more loving than being with someone you have been with for years, have had children with and have grown with) 2. I have never felt like this before(then what made him get married? it is only because he actually felt stronger than he is with the affair or he would walk out the door and you would be number 1.) 3. I love my wife but am not in love with her( good lord isn't that the over used line! how many OWs haven't heard that line is the question. It is so NOT a special thing for you to hear...they could not say I am in love with my wife, now will you screw me? Could they?) I really hope you think not only staying away from this married man, but all married men. You yoruself said you don't like yourself and who you become while in this situation but then you want to keep the situation and try to alter who you become...this truly does not work. YOUR true self hates the situation enough to become a blubbering, raving, stalker type young lady, SO HEY, let's go there again and again and again? Get out of the mindset that married men are your night in shinning armour, you really would be better with a single guy, closer to your own age.
brubaker2004 Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 i feel your pain. i ended my relationship with a mm that i have been seeing for a year this weekend. i have tried to end it before, but this time i finally realized that i deserve better and second best in his life is not good enough. i do believe that he and i can have a great life together if and when he ends his relationship and moves on. you deserve the best life has to offer, and no matter what he says or does, until he is truly yours and can shout freely to the world that he loves you and wants to be with you it won't work. also, what are you left with after this relationship drags on and on and he decides in a few years he cannot make a life with you? NOTHING. of course, i am feeling strong in my decision right now. i joined this forum in hopes of getting some support/advice from others in my situation who can understand how hard it is to stay away. like i said, i have tried before and always went back to him. we constantly talk about our future life together, but i finally started doubting him. any advice on how to stay strong and make it through would be very much appreciated.
newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 brubaker, i have just this last few days completely accepted that mm and i are over. do you know what i think helped me? was actually realising this fact. i think the thinking about it is always harder than the doing it. i couldnt quite let go of my hope, because i was scared that i might have nothing left if i did. turns out that i didnt actually have any need for the hope anymore. i was using it as a shield to hide behind so that i didnt have to look at what i had left in my life without it. it turns out that life is not as bad as i feared. i dont know if this makes sense. generally my point is that getting yourself together in all other ways and looking at why you are hanging on to the relationship in any way, including just hoping that he misses you or any other thought along those lines, i mean really looking at your thoughts, honestly, and realising that you are strong enough to just let it all go.
Author sadlittlegirl Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 lust4life: Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I have to admit I have no experience with spouses who have been married for a long time and how they think. I guess I only see my own perspective now and how much I'm hurting. I'm trying to take things one step at a time. I appreciate all responses here and I will consider them. But I'm not ready to accept all of it yet. I just can't shake off the desire to get back with him. I will try to hold out on NC for now and not force myself to change my emotions as yet. If you try to get in contact, what is most likely to happen is, 1. he tells his wife you keep calling and she will want him to get a restrainging order against you. 2/ she contacts you herself and you say the speil you mentioned in another post about all the things you could tell her that would end their marriage and YOU make her even more portective of her life and her husband. Very often an affair will produce the best marriages, the affair will be catylist to the couple becoming the couple they both wanted all along. Fighting together against YOU. After our first month of NC, I tried to get in touch with him again and at first he refused to talk to me. I texted, called and IMed him. I don't think he told his wife because she is the type who would call me up and tell me to leave her husband alone. Even if he told her, he would have said something to prevent her from calling me. Either he still cares that much about me, or he does not want her to hear what I could say either. I finally forced him to pick up my call, we talked, he was uneasy and hung up as soon as possible. But after that, he began picking up my calls and even agreed to meet up in person. I do not see this as the actions of someone who is interested in protecting his marriage, or at least he does not see me as a threat or the 'enemy'. MM has some sort of integrity, in that he will not use one of us (myself or wife) against the other. The day he went back to his wife, I wanted to see him very very much, to sort out some outstanding issues. He told his wife he was going to see me, she was not happy, but he insisted that he already promised. Although he left when she started texting him, he kept to his word by seeing me. Even though he was trying to get back with her and he knew it would make it more difficult. brubaker2004: I envy you having the strength to end the relationship yourself. I wonder if I would have been happier if I had been the first to call it quits. Best of luck for your future.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 I wonder if I would have been happier if I had been the first to call it quits. Probably, because you wouldn't be seeing it as a loss - rather, as a gain of your freedom.
justcallmesnug Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Probably, because you wouldn't be seeing it as a loss - rather, as a gain of your freedom. This makes a lot of sense to me. I wanted to be the one to end it first, and now he is slowing Xing me out, and being pretty rude to boot! Don't put yourself in the situation of begging and pleading...it makes you feel like crap. Things will get better.... Snug
Author sadlittlegirl Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 I agree LB, but also because I can't get over how I literally drove him back to his wife. I hope anyone else reading this won't make the same mistake. Maybe that's why I want him back with such intensity - I want to repair my mistakes and be the first to drop him. Ugh I don't know. I'm confusing myself.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 I literally drove him back to his wife. You can't drive someone toward someone else, unless on some level they want to go. While your behavior might have had a part in it, I can guarantee you it wasn't the only cause.
justcallmesnug Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia You can't drive someone toward someone else, unless on some level they want to go. While your behavior might have had a part in it, I can guarantee you it wasn't the only cause. Well said, LB. There were other factors. Don't take it that personally, as there were other issues going on before you came into the picture. It will all be okay.
Author sadlittlegirl Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 Some good, some bad... Well I saw MM at work today, just before lunch. He didn't seem to have any lunch plans and it was on the tip of my tongue to ask him to have lunch. I sat and stared at the back of his head for half an hour before forcing myself to leave the building and go shopping by myself. Unfortunately later in the afternoon, I deliberately walked into his path and ignored him very obviously. He probably knows I did it on purpose and now I feel stupid. No idea what came over me and made me do that. Just feel like cringing now.
justcallmesnug Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by sadlittlegirl Some good, some bad... Well I saw MM at work today, just before lunch. He didn't seem to have any lunch plans and it was on the tip of my tongue to ask him to have lunch. I sat and stared at the back of his head for half an hour before forcing myself to leave the building and go shopping by myself. Unfortunately later in the afternoon, I deliberately walked into his path and ignored him very obviously. He probably knows I did it on purpose and now I feel stupid. No idea what came over me and made me do that. Just feel like cringing now. You did great by not asking him to share lunch with you. Maybe ignoring him on purpose later on was a good thing, in its own way. You could walk by and say nothing. I wish I could do the same. Keep strong!
newbby Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 stop beating yourself up. its okay what you did. when i do things like that and wonder if he knew it was just a game or not, i either act so bizarrely that he (whoever he is at the time) wouldnt know what to make of it, or i just force myself to laugh at it.
Author sadlittlegirl Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 I wish my ignoring him would have some effect on him. Just heard that he's been going out for drinks with this other female colleague whom he's close to (in a group of other colleagues). I used to be insanely jealous of her though there was nothing that said there were more than just good friends. And there's this other girl who was probably there as well. I think she likes him and he's taken her out for dinner a few times before he met me and it was rumored that they were more than friends. All these old jealousies are still bothering me even though there's no reason why they should now! Am surprised his wife has given him license to go out without her though.
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