Rebuilding shattered relationship with MM

[sadlittlegirl]

I know some of you will criticize me for what I'm about to say, but if you've never been in my situation, it will be hard for you to understand. Since I've started reading these forums a week ago, I feel that there may be some of you out there who know what it means to love a married man as deeply as I do.

 

Ever since MM and I split four months ago, I have been in so much pain. It is literally hard to breathe sometimes. We ended it on horrible terms - I was clingy, obsessive and insecure, he was obnoxious, selfish and acted like a bastard. In spite of that we did care for each other still. I genuinely feel it was the situation and our confusion that caused us to act like that. I feel like I drove him away with my neediness when I kept pushing him to do something he wasn't ready for. Also his wife found out about us and threw him out. He was going through a very difficult period and looking back now, I know I made his situation alot harder...we were already having problems when he moved out and living alone was a huge shock to his system.

 

After we broke up he went back to his wife to try and make things work, and we've been in hostile NC ever since. I did make a few efforts to talk but he wasn't receptive. However last week we finally met up and he surprised me by making an effort to be friendly, even charming. I can still see his affection and attraction to me, and the connection is still there. He says that his relationship with his wife is still rocky and I very much doubt they are sleeping together. His lack of attraction to her was one of the reasons why he went out with me.

 

I really want a second chance at getting back with him. I don't mean to say I want to wreck their marriage - they were having problems long before he met me and in fact, I think that if his wife hadn't thrown him out before he was ready, he would have ended it himself. The problem is that he is now convinced I am not the one for him, however much he likes me, which is why he went back to his wife when he hit an all-time low in his life, due to various reasons.

 

Knowing as I do that I was the one at fault who damaged our relationship, and that had I handled it differently or if we had been at a different stage at the time, it would have worked out for us, how do I get him open to the idea of possibly getting back together? I want him to know that I still care about him and I'll be there for him if his marriage doesn't work out. Meanwhile, I just want for us to be friends and be able to have at least the odd lunch or coffee without making him feel uncomfortable as he does now. At the moment, his opinion is still that we should remain casual acquaintances, and generally maintain NC.

 

I have thought long and hard about whether I want to work hard at getting a second chance and the answer is yes. This does not mean I am refusing to move on, I will not put my life on hold. But some things in life are worth fighting for and I need to at least try.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by sadlittlegirl

I know some of you will criticize me for what I'm about to say, but if you've never been in my situation, it will be hard for you to understand. Since I've started reading these forums a week ago, I feel that there may be some of you out there who know what it means to love a married man as deeply as I do.

 

Ever since MM and I split four months ago, I have been in so much pain. It is literally hard to breathe sometimes. We ended it on horrible terms - I was clingy, obsessive and insecure, he was obnoxious, selfish and acted like a bastard. In spite of that we did care for each other still. I genuinely feel it was the situation and our confusion that caused us to act like that. I feel like I drove him away with my neediness when I kept pushing him to do something he wasn't ready for. Also his wife found out about us and threw him out. He was going through a very difficult period and looking back now, I know I made his situation alot harder...we were already having problems when he moved out and living alone was a huge shock to his system.

 

After we broke up he went back to his wife to try and make things work, and we've been in hostile NC ever since. I did make a few efforts to talk but he wasn't receptive. However last week we finally met up and he surprised me by making an effort to be friendly, even charming. I can still see his affection and attraction to me, and the connection is still there. He says that his relationship with his wife is still rocky and I very much doubt they are sleeping together. His lack of attraction to her was one of the reasons why he went out with me.

 

I really want a second chance at getting back with him. I don't mean to say I want to wreck their marriage - they were having problems long before he met me and in fact, I think that if his wife hadn't thrown him out before he was ready, he would have ended it himself. The problem is that he is now convinced I am not the one for him, however much he likes me, which is why he went back to his wife when he hit an all-time low in his life, due to various reasons.

 

Knowing as I do that I was the one at fault who damaged our relationship, and that had I handled it differently or if we had been at a different stage at the time, it would have worked out for us, how do I get him open to the idea of possibly getting back together? I want him to know that I still care about him and I'll be there for him if his marriage doesn't work out. Meanwhile, I just want for us to be friends and be able to have at least the odd lunch or coffee without making him feel uncomfortable as he does now. At the moment, his opinion is still that we should remain casual acquaintances, and generally maintain NC.

 

I have thought long and hard about whether I want to work hard at getting a second chance and the answer is yes. This does not mean I am refusing to move on, I will not put my life on hold. But some things in life are worth fighting for and I need to at least try.

 

But a MM is NOT worth fighting for. You deserve so much better than that. They're nothing but lying scum. They're master manipulators and the best liars. You deserve somebody who'll be there for you.. not just when he can get away from his wife. Well I'm leaving work in a few, so I'll post more later. I would just maintain NC. I know it's hard, I know it is. I've been there. But it's the best thing you can do for yourself..

[LucreziaBorgia]

He got busted, threw you under the bus, got thrown out himself - and instead of taking the opportunity to be with you when he was cut loose, he BEGGED his wife for another chance, went 'no contact' with you, and now that he is safely married again - he is friendly to you again, but only as friendly as he can be without causing any damage to his marriage.

 

Your reward to him for his treatment of you and literally throwing away any chance of really being with you? Begging him for another chance.

 

he is now convinced I am not the one for him

 

It is unfortunate that you can't figure this out about him, and move on with your life so that you can find someone who can offer you true, legitimate and lasting happiness. Someone who will love you as a woman, and not just as an 'OW'.

 

I know you are hurting, and I feel bad to see yet another person get their heart crushed in this way - but you HAVE to maintain that 'no contact', for your own sanity. He is uncomfortable around you, he has told you point blank that he is done with you, he has turned his back on you, he has you on 'no contact'...

 

You will need to have some uninterrupted and unbiased 'no contact' time of your own. Give yourself at least 30 days in which you do not contact him in any way, shape or form or even see him. After 30 days, if you still feel like contacting him and begging for another chance at heartbreak, then give yourself 30 more. Hopefully with time you'll break this trap you have yourself in and be able to move forward in your life instead of spinning your wheels and wasting time on a man who does not have time for you.

[sadlittlegirl]

I see where you're both coming from, I truly do. Part of me agrees too, and wonders why I'm still hanging on.

 

But the other part - the part that melts when I see him smile or when he looks into my eyes just can't let go. When I saw him again for the first time in months, something inside of me broke.

 

I've tried my hardest with NC. I even went away for a while to try and heal, and at first I thought it was working. But somehow the longer we're apart the more I want to be with him.

 

He got busted, threw you under the bus, got thrown out himself - and instead of taking the opportunity to be with you when he was cut loose, he BEGGED his wife for another chance, went 'no contact' with you, and now that he is safely married again - he is friendly to you again, but only as friendly as he can be without causing any damage to his marriage.

 

Your reward to him for his treatment of you and literally throwing away any chance of really being with you? Begging him for another chance.

 

What happened was that when he was thrown out, we did get back together briefly. But once again I screwed things up. I guess one reason why I want to give it another shot is because I feel as though I was the one who messed up. He went back to his wife under very traumatic circumstances. I don't want to elaborate, but at first he had no intention of going back to his wife. Only later he realized how much he hurt her and he missed family life, so he decided to give it another try. This does not mean that everything will work out for them though, as I think he is discovering now, if the marriage is too dead to revive.

 

I don't plan to beg for him to come back but I'd like to rebuild our friendship to the point where he sees what we had and still do. I can feel he's still attracted to me. Maybe I just want him to come back in the same way a betrayed spouse would, just to have him admit he was wrong. I'm confused about this part myself. But in a strange way it seems more positive to look forward, take care of myself and my appearance, and just make him see what a great person I am. I want to make him forget the neurotic snivelling basketcase I was during our relationship. I am definitely not going to beg or grovel this time (I admit I did before when he ended it with me). The only thing different from this, and being NC, is that I can't deny how I need to be in contact with him to stay happy, and that I would get back with him in a heartbeat if I had a chance. If I force myself to go NC, I can feel this scary stalker-type person surfacing in me who tries to check up on him in secret, and that is just scary.

 

I wonder if this even sounds rational.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Before you try to 'rebuild' please consider the 'no contact' thing for a while so that you can begin to think rationally. Give yourself thirty days at the very least where you do not see him, or contact him in any way. If you are still torn apart after thirty days, then give yourself thirty more. Get yourself stable, and thinking clearly - then and only then will you be able to see the direction you really need to take.

 

1. I want to make him forget the neurotic snivelling basketcase I was during our relationship.

2. I am definitely not going to beg or grovel this time (I admit I did before when he ended it with me).

3. The only thing different from this, and being NC, is that I can't deny how I need to be in contact with him to stay happy, and that I would get back with him in a heartbeat if I had a chance.

4. If I force myself to go NC, I can feel this scary stalker-type person surfacing in me who tries to check up on him in secret, and that is just scary.

 

1. Then give yourself at least 30-60 days of 'no contact' so that you can learn to stop being that type of person. You can't do this if you are in contact with him, just like a crack addict can't kick crack by living in a crack house.

 

2. Until you get yourself emotionally and mentally stronger, you will find yourself doing it regardless of whether or not you intend to.

 

3. He knows this - and it is probably part of the reason he keeps you at a distance. He has no need for someone who 'needs' him in that way. I expect he liked it better when he pursued, and you ran just hard enough to let him catch you. Being 'needed' that way instead of being 'chosen' is a big, huge, obligational drag. This is the primary reason you have got to go 'no contact' - you will need to get yourself to the point where you are not like this when it comes to him. As long as you are like this, he will keep you at a very cold and safe distance from himself. He may be attracted, but he is also going to stay married, and will continue to protect his marriage from this sort of threat that you present to it.

 

4. This is absolute and solid proof to me that you are looking for things in this guy, that you need to be finding inside yourself. I hope that you will consider contacting a counselor or therapist to talk some of these issues out during your 'no contact' time.

 

Hopefully with some time and real effort, you will come out of this seeing things more clearly, and be able to make the choices in your life that will lead away from him, and toward a genuine and lasting happiness for yourself.

[sadlittlegirl]

Lucrezia, first I want to say thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Goodness knows I need a listening ear right now. I'm so tired of trying to keep a stiff upper lip in public. Just out of curiousity, have you ever been involved with a married man? I guess every OW/OM knows it's an entirely different ballgame from single dating.

 

In reply:

 

1. I will try to keep NC going. It won't be easy though, because our two companies have a close working relationship. Please note that after our split, I did go 30 days NC, before breaking it for the first time. He refused to even reply to my texts or phone calls then and it hurt like hell. We resumed NC for a few more weeks then I had to call him for work. He did not know it was a work call, and he returned my call thinking it was personal - that made me so happy because I knew he was willing to resume contact. It has been steadily improving since then.

 

2. I agree with this fully. I still breakdown frequently and I know I have to work over my own obstacles first.

 

3. This is something I'm not sure about. I have always been the one to initiate things in our relationship to get him interested, then back off and let him take control (see what I said about having to be the first to break NC). Our meeting was to improve our working relationship - previously it was strained and awkward and we both felt it. If I had not initiated it, I am sure he would not have either. Yet he was responsive when I proposed it, and seemed happy to talk to me. I asked him why he agreed to meeting up with me if he knew it would make his wife unhappy and he said that he thought it was time we did something about the hostility between us, wife notwithstanding. I was hoping that if I gradually increased contact then backed off, he might be reminded of the good times we had and how much he liked me without feeling pressured or even realizing I was trying to re-start things.

 

4. Yes I know I have issues and I am doing my best to resolve them. I have worked through the worst of them - the fear, depression, even anger.

 

Do you honestly think I have a chance here or am I just opening up myself to more pain and misery? I have made a promise to myself not to be obsessive over this or to let my hopes of getting back together stand in the way of carrying on with a good and fulfilling life.

[lust4life]

The problem is that he is now convinced I am not the one for him, however much he likes me, which is why he went back to his wife when he hit an all-time low in his life, due to various reasons.

 

Always makes it seem so much more worth having. You knwo while in the affair he was a bastard and now you want him back. You also know how you are but want to try to change yourself so that you can once again be in a relatinship that is not healthy to begin with, why??? It is an addiction to you, the thought that you can change yourself and him to have a good relationship is absurd! He is married, do not torture yourself anymore over any unavailable person.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Just out of curiousity, have you ever been involved with a married man?

 

Married (rarely though - I've only interacted with two 'marrieds' and neither were fully sexual - mainly just short term flirting), engaged, dating - you name it. From my 'first time' at 15 with someone else's boyfriend until about ten years ago. I either cheated on or cheated with. I was always the bad guy who broke people's hearts though - whether I was the cakewoman who broke someone's heart from within my own 'safe' relationships, or the OW who let the OP get too close and have to dump them.

 

I guess I have a perspective from the 'jerk' side, more than I do the 'victim' side - and it is largely from those experiences that I draw. I recognize the lines, the excuses, the tricks and the traps - because I used them myself, frequently.

 

Do you honestly think I have a chance here

 

With your MM having put you on 'no contact' except for chilly casual contact you have a chance to pull yourself out of this mess. The chance you have is to find happiness within yourself, not with him.

[ww]

Rebuilding shattered relationship with MM

 

 

ARE YOU FOR REAL?

[Guest]

Seems to me that you are obsessed with your MM.

You never allowed yourself to heal.

All I can say good luck with your life

[amberlily]

Make no mistake about it, if a man does NOT want to be with his wife - if he's so repulsed and not attracted to her, he's not happy - he leaves and moves on with his life - no ifs, ands or buts. He may have told you that his wife is this and that, he's not been happy, he went back out of guilt, etc...........but the fact of the matter is, he's not yours for the taking and you're spinning your wheels and wasting your time and life and heart on someone who can't be yours.

 

Your past and present insecurity and clinginess is the product of knowing deep down inside that he's not yours, never was, never will be.

 

By continuing contact with him, you're making him a cake-man: he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

It sounds to me like you're addicted to him you're addicted to the dream of having a life with him. You should seriously consider seeking professional help to get at the root of why you're addicted to someone's husband - this isn't healthy, the time you're wasting on this dud, you could be healing and becoming ready when a good guy comes along.

 

No matter what you think of his wife, she deserves the chance to work with him to save the marriage - he owes her that much ....so you need to totally step out of the picture and let that happen. You wouldn't want to be in her shoes, would you? You wouldn't want a mistress wanting to get back with your husband, if you were in this situation, right? You mentioned he has family so I'm assuming he has children - out or respect for them, remove yourself from the picture.

[sadlittlegirl]

Yes I am for real. I suppose I should have expected replies like that but that was neither helpful nor sensitive.

 

Amberlily: I did remove myself from the picture. He left behind so much unfinished business, but I sucked it all up for the sake of letting him return to his wife peacefully. There were so many things I could have told his wife that would have finished their chances of ever getting back together but I did not - I respect myself too much for that. Also I feel that I am only as much of a threat as he makes me out to be. If he is sincere about making his marriage work, whether we are in contact or not will not hinder them from moving forward. I have never ever threatened his marriage, or told him he should leave his wife to be with me. I left those decisions entirely up to him. In fact it is his wife who is constantly trying to turn him against me which is terribly unfair. He forgot how bad their marriage was, which is why he went back. Now he is starting to remember, with her constantly checking on him and refusing to let him go out. I am about 80% sure they will not work out in the end. Is it very wrong to hope that if he realizes this marriage is not working out, he might consider giving us a second shot? Yes he is a confused individual and constantly changes his mind, yet I still care for him very much.

 

One more thing to add, I know most of you here will think that I am not thinking clearly at this point. But believe me, in the past few months I have worked through emotions that are so much worse - the anger, bitterness, despair and depression. I would go from feeling positive and optimistic to being curled up on the floor incapable of moving. What I am feeling now is so much better, I actually hope for the future. It means so much to me being back in contact with him and thinking that maybe someday things might take a turn for the better again. Even if nothing happens, I would be okay with just being friends with him. As long as I no longer feel trapped and bitter, I can deal with anything.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by sadlittlegirl

Yes I am for real. I suppose I should have expected replies like that but that was neither helpful nor sensitive.

 

Amberlily: I did remove myself from the picture. He left behind so much unfinished business, but I sucked it all up for the sake of letting him return to his wife peacefully. There were so many things I could have told his wife that would have finished their chances of ever getting back together but I did not - I respect myself too much for that. Also I feel that I am only as much of a threat as he makes me out to be. If he is sincere about making his marriage work, whether we are in contact or not will not hinder them from moving forward. I have never ever threatened his marriage, or told him he should leave his wife to be with me. I left those decisions entirely up to him. In fact it is his wife who is constantly trying to turn him against me which is terribly unfair. He forgot how bad their marriage was, which is why he went back. Now he is starting to remember, with her constantly checking on him and refusing to let him go out. I am about 80% sure they will not work out in the end. Is it very wrong to hope that if he realizes this marriage is not working out, he might consider giving us a second shot? Yes he is a confused individual and constantly changes his mind, yet I still care for him very much.

 

One more thing to add, I know most of you here will think that I am not thinking clearly at this point. But believe me, in the past few months I have worked through emotions that are so much worse - the anger, bitterness, despair and depression. I would go from feeling positive and optimistic to being curled up on the floor incapable of moving. What I am feeling now is so much better, I actually hope for the future. It means so much to me being back in contact with him and thinking that maybe someday things might take a turn for the better again. Even if nothing happens, I would be okay with just being friends with him. As long as I no longer feel trapped and bitter, I can deal with anything.

 

You have to distance yourself completely from this man. It's almost impossible to remain friends with your ex-MM..

[newbby]

the reason you were so insecure and clingy is probably because the situation was not, and will never be good for you.

listen, i am not generally insecure or obsessive in any of my relationships and never have been, but my relationship with mm p!ssed me off because it made me feel that way too.

[whichwayisup]

MM or single man, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship anyways so it won't work. I don't mean to bash you or make this too harsh but take a HUGE step back and see the whole picture.

 

To be in any sort of relationship it has to be equal love and feelings, trust and respect on BOTH sides. Seems it wasn't there in yours. (Seems it's one sided in many ow-mm relationships and most become too clingy, jealous and obessive because they cannot ever have what they truely desire. The MM.)

 

Do good to yourself and DO not keep intouch with him at all. Don't start it up again. Do no contact and try to care less about him. Get help if you need it, therapy can help you cope through the feelings and all the pain. Maybe then when you're ready, willing and able the next man, not married, will walk into your life and make YOU feel good about you and make you happy.

[sadlittlegirl]

I have not posted in here for a few days because some of the replies made me realize I need to take a long hard look at the situation.

 

It's tough. I'm deeply attached to him and I still don't know if I'm prepared to let go, much less able to let go.

 

To newbby: Exactly. I was never obsessive or insecure before. The start of our relationship was fantastic because I still did not know what it meant to feel that way. Only later when I got more and more insecure, started obsessing over how it was so hard that he could only stay overnight with me when his wife wasn't in town that I went a little crazy.

 

I feel like I'm in limbo. I will try to keep up the NC and see where I'm heading over the next week or two. I just can't shake the thought of getting back together with him. Some of you may think it's as easy as forcing yourself to do it, but it's not. The thought pops up in my mind constantly even when I'm not paying attention.

[newbby]

slg,

i know it is not easy. after a few months of nc it will be easier, and you will gain some objectivity. it will take work but, getting over him will be very rewarding.

the relationship would not feel good, okay so in any relationship we have to work on our own insecurities outside of it, but this ow/mm affair breeds insecurity for the ow.

there are some (and very few) exceptions, such as old europe.

let me tell you that just because he is still attracted to you, it doesnt mean he loves or respects you. my mm is still attracted to me too, i noticed a few days ago, he is still attracted to me but he is also still a s***! nothing i say or do will change that fact.

[sadlittlegirl]

Originally posted by newbby

let me tell you that just because he is still attracted to you, it doesnt mean he loves or respects you.

 

This is such a great point but it's so painful to accept.

 

I'm having a terrible day today...forcing myself to remain NC seems to have triggered off an emotional rollercoaster that brought back all the worst memories. Part of me just wants to call him up and scream "why" at him. Why did he tell me he started out genuinely liking me and thinking it might go somewhere, then deciding he didn't 'love me'. And then run back to his wife whom he initially swore he didn't love anymore, but then decided that maybe he loved her more than he thought. And now he's back with her, he's trying to charm his way into making me forget how much he hurt me.

[whichwayisup]

It's tough. I'm deeply attached to him and I still don't know if I'm prepared to let go, much less able to let go.

 

It is tough, but you don't have a choice. You HAVE to work through your feelings, accept things as they are and move on. See a therapist if you need to, there is no shame in getting help!

 

I'm sure he feels bad for hurting you, but has to put himself first. Being with you made him realize that he wanted his wife. You got hurt along the way...Hey, I'm sure at the time he meant everything he said but really should not have said anything or allowed it to happen.

 

Right now though, try to stick to NC and work on making the closure for you. He may/may not give it to you, which is why you have to do this on your own.

[newbby]

Being with you made him realize that he wanted his wife.

 

i dont agree, he wanted his wife already, he just wanted you aswell.

 

Why did he tell me he started out genuinely liking me and thinking it might go somewhere, then deciding he didn't 'love me'. And then run back to his wife whom he initially swore he didn't love anymore, but then decided that maybe he loved her more than he thought.

 

partly because when he started out genuinely liking you, he got carried away in the moment, but, he was not prepared to really risk it and was hanging on to his security with his wife, and keeping her as an option if things did not work out with you. then got to liking having you both. it is the typical ow/mm relationship, he gets something from both of you, but the most part of it he gets from his wife. he is not interested in the part of you that he gets from his wife, only in the part of you that he doesnt.

when his wife discovered it and threw him out, he still wanted the part of her that he loved being with, and this is the main part of his needs in a relationship. it is why he married her in the first place. things got boring in some aspects of the relationship, mainly the first flush of romance and lust had gone. this is what he got from you.

it is convenient for him to make you feel that you ruined the relationship if he can, because, that takes away the guilt from him, for trying to be a cakeman.

the reason that we feel insecure and clingy in such a relationship is because we KNOW the truth, that he is only looking for something with us and not everything.

it used to really annoy me too, that he only saw the part of me that he was interested in, and it was the reason that i wanted to be friends with him, mainly. i thought that had we had a friendship then he would get to actually know me. it makes no difference, in our friendship, i was confident, i was more myself, we talked for hours and hours and had fun. still most of the time he tried to gear it toward something physical, eventually, after about 5 months i succumbed, thinking that he had got to know me, and he was also taking huge risks to spend time with me, i hoped that perhaps he had got to know me and fall in love with me and he seemed to have done in many ways. it was all an act on his part of course.

he again seemed to regret it as a mistake and i again felt insecure.

looking back i feel foolish again for falling for it all a second time, however, i am glad it happened because it gave me the knowledge i needed to know, the knowledge that you are seeking now. was it the way i felt insecure that stopped him from getting to know me as a person and wanting the real me? or was it that he never wanted the real me in the first place?

the truth is that he never wanted the real you in the first place, he wanted something on the side of his relationship. it is why that call it that "a bit on the side". that is all it ever was, all he ever wanted, even if he may have got confused about it at times as i am sure my mm did too.

the other stuff, the falliing in love with you but confused stuff, is just about setting up their "get out".

you will not get over this if you continue to blame yourself for the destruction of the relationship. it was never a real relationship and there was nothing you could do about that, except the best thing, and that is to accept as much and get out fast.

take it from me, i can relate to exactly what you are going through, i have been through it myself, i can offer you the wisdom of my experience and i hope for your sake that you take it.

((hugs))

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by newbby

the reason you were so insecure and clingy is probably because the situation was not, and will never be good for you.

listen, i am not generally insecure or obsessive in any of my relationships and never have been, but my relationship with mm p!ssed me off because it made me feel that way too.

 

Newbby-

 

The same thing happened to me with MM. I was always with guys who thought i was great, number one, etc. Being involved with this makes you feel bad because they won't leave, even if they are in the worst situation you can imagine, if the W is the meanest bi**h on the planet. It makes you always wonder you like me best, right? I'm the one you love, right? What do I do on Christmas, I'll miss you. Will you be thinking of me on New Year's Eve? It has changed my whole personality, especially when he stopped saying all the nice things he used to and doing all the nice things he used to. It really messes up your self esteem to have someone tell you they love you so much but they can't be with you. The past year, being in this has totally messed me up. I am so depressed all the time, I cry constantly, not taking care of myself, etc. Newbby, did you want a life with your MM, or was it just casual? I haven't followed your whole story.

 

To original poster, if you have a chance to end it, listen to all of us. End it. The longer it goes on, the more pain.

[newbby]

no i did not want him to leave his wife for me, but, neither did i want him to be married!

[sadlittlegirl]

To all you more experienced people out there: What are the chances of a marriage working out after the wife has discovered, and is extremely bitter about the affair? I am many years younger, more attractive and I think she is thrilled to bits that 'good has triumphed over evil' ie me, and he has given up someone so much more desirable for her. But she is still hung up about it after six months (he has been back with her for four).

 

Also he says he doesn't find her attractive and a male friend I talked to about this says he might not necessarily find her attractive now, he might only be back with her because he is dependant on her. But I don't see MM going without sex for a long period of time. Is it possible he might overcome his non-attraction just for the sex?

[amberlily]

Originally posted by sadlittlegirl

To all you more experienced people out there: What are the chances of a marriage working out after the wife has discovered, and is extremely bitter about the affair? I am many years younger, more attractive and I think she is thrilled to bits that 'good has triumphed over evil' ie me, and he has given up someone so much more desirable for her. But she is still hung up about it after six months (he has been back with her for four).

 

Also he says he doesn't find her attractive and a male friend I talked to about this says he might not necessarily find her attractive now, he might only be back with her because he is dependant on her. But I don't see MM going without sex for a long period of time. Is it possible he might overcome his non-attraction just for the sex?

 

Not going to sugarcoat it but you come across as very full of yourself here. "more attractive"? "so much more desirable"? Honey - I think you need to get over yourself. The fact of the matter is that he's with her - that was his choice, he chose her, NOT YOU. There's obviously many reasons he's with her and they're obviously substantial reasons. Of COURSE he's going to tell you he doesn't find her attractive, of course he's going to tell you negative things about her - but that doesn't mean what he says is really how he feels. There's much more to attraction than just the exterior anyway. I'm sure she has some great attractive qualities that he married her for in the first place, qualities that caused him to return to her - maybe she has a kind heart, is very loving, is very intelligent, is interesting, is witty, is compassionate, is confident, etc etc. Maybe they have awesome, toe-curling hot monkey sex - and if he's ever told you they don't have sex because he's not attracted to her, don't buy it for a minute - that's the #1 lie that MM tell - I mean, think about it - is a MM going to tell his mistress the truth, that him and his wife have great sex?

[sadlittlegirl]

I can see how you thought that sounded full of myself. But it is the honest truth - I am in my early twenties and fourteen years younger than his wife. I know that I am attractive - that is not being conceited, it would just be stupidity if I didn't know exactly what it was about me that he was attracted to. MM noticed me because his friends were all falling over themselves to ask me out...it is no comfort to know that initially he considered me merely a trophy fling but I believe with all my heart that he grew to care about me as well.

 

I have also seen the wife's picture and she has let herself go. Maybe she was pretty when she was younger but he has said that she was never the most attractive girl even then, unlike me. He says that he liked her simplicity and carefree nature, but since then she has turned into a monster career woman. I have also heard from MM's friends, and even his family, about how his wife was scary, bordering on obsessive, demanding and fierce. Of course she has some good qualities, I am sure. The bond of being college sweethearts cannot be broken so easily as well. But I do not know about the physical attraction bit and whether it is possible they can resume sexual relations.