90s kid Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I'm in my late 20s and I've never been in a serious relationship or had a boyfriend. I was a late bloomer and didn't start dating until the last few years. I've met different guys and gone out on dates but nothing has ever really developed into a significant relationship. I'm kind of embarrassed about it and I'm always anxious about answering the dreaded "when was your last relationship?"question. Any advice on how I can answer that question without coming across as a loser? I went out on a date with a guy a while ago and he was really judgemental when I told him I've never had a boyfriend. Now I'm really anxious about it.
Cersei Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 Oh that is a tough one. What about "I haven't dated a lot." After you get to know him better you can elaborate. I don't know would that work maybe? 1
Mike B. Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 That is a tough one. What is your passion in life? Say that you made a commitment to pursue your passion in life and deferred some things to focus on your passion so you didnt get too involved with any one in particular but you plan to make up for lost time. 1
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I had the same problem when I got back to dating after 10 years single. The look on men's face when I told them I was single since 2004. They pretty much thought something was wrong with me. At first I was dead-honest and told them the story of being 100% invested my career, family and my daughter. It didn't seem to convince them nothing was wrong with me, it actually made them fear I was too career oriented and was probably a cold B* with only achievement on my mind. No matter how I turned it I couldn't win. So I started saying I was single for a couple of years, that I dated some guy for a few months that ended up leaving the country. That was it, it solved my problem. 1
coolheadal Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I'm in my late 20s and I've never been in a serious relationship or had a boyfriend. I was a late bloomer and didn't start dating until the last few years. I've met different guys and gone out on dates but nothing has ever really developed into a significant relationship. I'm kind of embarrassed about it and I'm always anxious about answering the dreaded "when was your last relationship?"question. Any advice on how I can answer that question without coming across as a loser? I went out on a date with a guy a while ago and he was really judgemental when I told him I've never had a boyfriend. Now I'm really anxious about it. Listen my dear don't feel bad this question as most of us are just like you. Ok so you had bad experience with one guy, you move on to the next and until that right come comes long. This question just be honest or say no comment. 1
Miss Spider Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) I had the same problem when I got back to dating after 10 years single. The look on men's face when I told them I was single since 2004. They pretty much thought something was wrong with me. At first I was dead-honest and told them the story of being 100% invested my career, family and my daughter. It didn't seem to convince them nothing was wrong with me, it actually made them fear I was too career oriented and was probably a cold B* with only achievement on my mind. No matter how I turned it I couldn't win. So I started saying I was single for a couple of years, that I dated some guy for a few months that ended up leaving the country. That was it, it solved my problem. I have the same problem with the same solution lol. Lie. I never dated but one guy for 2 months all throughout high school and college. I was a virgin until I met my ex at almost mid 20s and that lasted six months. So I have a lot of explaining to do. I think a lot of guys don't believe it. That a woman can go that long without being in a relationship or even dating/sex at least without having several screws loose. It's humiliating because they always interrogate you about why or how. Like there is something wrong with you for choosing not to do it. Even if you are a career oriented etc. they see it as a red flag. So now I just tell them I had a relationship that lasted a several years that I got out of a couple years ago. We grew apart( leaving the country….Never thought of that one ) They dont care to delve much deeper than that. I typically don't recommend lying but in this case, lie Edited October 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
olivetree Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I had the same problem when I got back to dating after 10 years single. The look on men's face when I told them I was single since 2004. They pretty much thought something was wrong with me. At first I was dead-honest and told them the story of being 100% invested my career, family and my daughter. It didn't seem to convince them nothing was wrong with me, it actually made them fear I was too career oriented and was probably a cold B* with only achievement on my mind. No matter how I turned it I couldn't win. So I started saying I was single for a couple of years, that I dated some guy for a few months that ended up leaving the country. That was it, it solved my problem. I think this worked out for you because you didn't end up with the guy you lied to. OP, tell the truth. Always own who you are, with confidence. If you lie to someone you want to date seriously, it will come back to bite you in the butt eventually. A family member or friend will make a comment or joke, etc. "We were beginning to think 90s kid was asexual!" Say you've dated but not had anything serious. You were a late bloomer. Emphasize that you are looking for something serious now though. 2
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) I think this worked out for you because you didn't end up with the guy you lied to. OP, tell the truth. Always own who you are, with confidence. If you lie to someone you want to date seriously, it will come back to bite you in the butt eventually. A family member or friend will make a comment or joke, etc. "We were beginning to think 90s kid was asexual!" Say you've dated but not had anything serious. You were a late bloomer. Emphasize that you are looking for something serious now though. Well I have a surprised for you. I told this to my current boyfriend of 2 years. Not long ago BF and I we're talking about a friend who had been single for a long time. My BF says to me that someone that's been single 5+ years has something wrong with them. I look at him with astonishment and tell him: Before this guy I briefly dated before you I was single 10 years. Guess what? he didn't believe me. He kept saying it's impossible and I am just looking for a reaction from him. I insisted and he finally said if I had told him right off the bat I had been single 10 years he would have ran away thinking something is very wrong with me because a woman of my caliber does not remain alone for so long. I would like to add I did briefly date a man that moved out of the country. That story is true but I would not call it a relationship. We dated 5 months. For a woman of 50, dating a man 5 months is a drop in the ocean, we don't consider that a relationship. Edited October 10, 2017 by Gaeta 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I'm in my late 20s and I've never been in a serious relationship or had a boyfriend. I was a late bloomer and didn't start dating until the last few years. I've met different guys and gone out on dates but nothing has ever really developed into a significant relationship. I'm kind of embarrassed about it and I'm always anxious about answering the dreaded "when was your last relationship?"question. Any advice on how I can answer that question without coming across as a loser? I went out on a date with a guy a while ago and he was really judgemental when I told him I've never had a boyfriend. Now I'm really anxious about it. I used to be judgmental regarding women who, after a certain age, never married. I don't care now. I too thought, hmmm, there must be something wrong with you. Nope. I've met some pretty amazing ladies who simply didn't find the person they sought after. For you, the same, no? Just tell them that. It is clear that they find you attractive, so it's simply a matter of being honest and let the guys who don't care or are not so judgmental a chance. 1
Miss Spider Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) I think this worked out for you because you didn't end up with the guy you lied to. OP, tell the truth. Always own who you are, with confidence. If you lie to someone you want to date seriously, it will come back to bite you in the butt eventually. A family member or friend will make a comment or joke, etc. "We were beginning to think 90s kid was asexual!" Say you've dated but not had anything serious. You were a late bloomer. Emphasize that you are looking for something serious now though. If you get to know a guy and he realizes you're less experienced he's not going to mind one bit...he might even think that's great. You can always explain your reasoning. And I think most men would completely understand If you tell a guy when he asks on a first or second date his eyes are going to go crossed. Most are going to wonder why. Why did she go years without a relationship/sex? Is she mentally unstable? Is she antisocial? Is she emotionally unavailable? Is something imperceptible off about her no guys want to date her? Is she a militant 'career woman'? Can she commit? Did she just hop from bed to bed and if not why did she go years without sex? Is she asexual? Low sex drive? Etc etc going to go off in this stranger's mind. Because people think you think how they do. They think if a woman has options they're going to take advantage of them in several years because they would. When they can't understand it becomes a huge red flag. I've spent a good half hour trying to explain to a guy. He was like: "Well did you at least date before that?" "No." "How does that even happen? I mean I don't see how it is even possible. " "Uhm. Yeah, it just happens I guess" "Did you even want to or have the inclination to be with guys? You must have got plenty offers? Just please explain this to me haha" "Uh.. eyes almost well recalling memories of an awkward youth ...I guess in my peripheral? I don't know. It just wasn't my focus." " I… guess I just don't understand" I didn't want to see him again after that. And it's happened many times. To just about everyone I have talked about my history with. It doesn't make them run completely but Im pretty sure it puts them off so I just tell them the lie and everything is solved Edited October 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
olivetree Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 If you get to know a guy and he realizes you're less experienced he's not going to mind one bit...he might even think that's great. You can always explain your reasoning. And I think most men would completely understand If you tell a guy when he asks on a first or second date his eyes are going to go crossed. Most are going to wonder why. Why did she go years without a relationship/sex? Is she mentally unstable? Is she antisocial? Is she emotionally unavailable? Is something imperceptible off about her no guys want to date her? Is she a military 'career woman'? Can she commit? Did she just hop from bed to bed and if not why did she go years without sex? Is she asexual? Low sex drive? Etc etc going to go off in this stranger's mind. Because people think you think how they do. They think if a woman has options they're going to take advantage of them in several years because they would. When they can't understand it becomes a huge red flag. I've spent a good half hour trying to explain to a guy. He was like: "Well did you at least date before that?" "No." "How does that even happen? I mean I don't see how it is even possible. " "Uhm. Yeah, it just happens I guess" "Did you even want to or have the inclination to be with guys? You must have got plenty offers? Just please explain this to me haha" "Uh.. eyes almost well recalling memories of an awkward youth ...I guess in my peripheral? I don't know. It just wasn't my focus." " I… guess I just don't understand" I didn't want to see him again after that. And it's happened many times. To just about everyone I have talked about my history with. It doesn't make them fun completely but Im pretty sure it puts them off so I just tell them the lie and everything is solved I see what you're saying Cookies. It was annoying / put off to be questioned like you're an alien. Perhaps this guy just wasn't a match for you though, regardless. However, the way I see it, that's life. I'd rather own who I am than lie to avoid discomfort. Trust is a delicate thing in a relationship. One lie takes a lot more lies to maintain it. Once you're in a relationship with someone and they notice you avoid talking about past relationships at all costs, their spidey senses will go off. 2
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I am someone that tries to live her life with integrity and honesty. That being said not all truth needs to be told or detailed to men you're having a coffee with. You guys think I told my current boyfriend I met over 200 men online? heck no! Why would I disclose something like that, I am smart enough to know as a man my bf next questions to himself will be how many I slept with! Why would I plant that seed in him? He told me I was his first lady he met, I told him I had met many men before finding him. Not attaching any number to my statement. 2
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 Once you're in a relationship with someone and they notice you avoid talking about past relationships at all costs, their spidey senses will go off. Well, one has to be smart when being conservative about their past. I don't suggest OP says she had a serious relationship of 5 years, I do think to make her life easier and to avoid stupid unfounded judgement she just says: she dated here and there but nothing serious came out of it.
Miss Spider Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I see what you're saying Cookies. It was annoying / put off to be questioned like you're an alien. Perhaps this guy just wasn't a match for you though, regardless. However, the way I see it, that's life. I'd rather own who I am than lie to avoid discomfort. Trust is a delicate thing in a relationship. One lie takes a lot more lies to maintain it. Once you're in a relationship with someone and they notice you avoid talking about past relationships at all costs, their spidey senses will go off. I wish it was just that guys. Do guys really make an active attempt of finding out details of their lover/partners past relationships? I don't think so. I think that's something women tend to do to the point men appreciate discretion
olivetree Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 Well, one has to be smart when being conservative about their past. I don't suggest OP says she had a serious relationship of 5 years, I do think to make her life easier and to avoid stupid unfounded judgement she just says: she dated here and there but nothing serious came out of it. This is fine and pretty much what I told her to say. I don't think that's a lie since it's what she is doing now. You guys think I told my current boyfriend I met over 200 men online? heck no! Why would I disclose something like that, I am smart enough to know as a man my bf next questions to himself will be how many I slept with! Why would I plant that seed in him? Agreed, and I wouldn't suggest you share that info. People you've slept with etc is a whole other ball game. 1
Miss Spider Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 It's only a different ball game because it's not politically correct to ask and because it's easy to hide. But if it weren't, how many women would be lying. My past relationships (lack thereof) are really not the business of a stranger Ive been on one date with and if it goes further and the truth comes out I hope he understands that
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I wish it was just that guys. Do guys really make an active attempt of finding out details of their lover/partners past relationships? I don't think so. I think that's something women tend to do to the point men appreciate discretion Agree, I also think he's not interested in her past relationship, I think he is more interested in how long she's been single.
olivetree Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 Agree, I also think he's not interested in her past relationship, I think he is more interested in how long she's been single. Usually this is asked to make sure someone isn't on the rebound.
Redhead14 Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 If I were dating now and someone asked me that question, I'd say "the longest and best relationship I've had was 58 years -- the relationship I've had with myself and the journey I've been on qualifies me to be a good dating prospect 3
Gaeta Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I'm kind of embarrassed about it and I'm always anxious about answering the dreaded "when was your last relationship?"question. Any advice on how I can answer that question without coming across as a loser? I went out on a date with a guy a while ago and he was really judgemental when I told him I've never had a boyfriend. Now I'm really anxious about it. When a man ask you this he is only interested in knowing how long you've been single. He doesn't want details of who you dated and when. I assure you men don't like to hear about other men in genera. A relationship can take many forms. You have casual relationships, serious relationships, fwb relationships, etc. The last guy you dated is 'your last relationship'. If you went on 4 dates with the same guy last summer.......that's your last relationship.
Miss Spider Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 If I were dating now and someone asked me that question, I'd say "the longest and best relationship I've had was 58 years -- the relationship I've had with myself and the journey I've been on qualifies me to be a good dating prospect I love it !!!
GuitarGuy7 Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I have the same problem with the same solution lol. Lie. I never dated but one guy for 2 months all throughout high school and college. I was a virgin until I met my ex at almost mid 20s and that lasted six months. So I have a lot of explaining to do. I think a lot of guys don't believe it. That a woman can go that long without being in a relationship or even dating/sex at least without having several screws loose. It's humiliating because they always interrogate you about why or how. Like there is something wrong with you for choosing not to do it. Even if you are a career oriented etc. they see it as a red flag. So now I just tell them I had a relationship that lasted a several years that I got out of a couple years ago. We grew apart( leaving the country….Never thought of that one ) They dont care to delve much deeper than that. I typically don't recommend lying but in this case, lie It always surprises me that so many people are against dating people who don't have a lot of experience. I mean let's face it, not everybody is even capable of getting a relationship in high school. Some people had social anxiety up until their twenties. Maybe they chose not to date because they wanted to focus on school or their career. I mean let's face it, dating isn't easy for everyone. Social anxiety is a real thing, getting turned down by someone you like sucks. Your confidence gets beaten down and not everyone has the type of mindset where they can simply move on the next person easily. I mean I know what it's like. I couldn't even a conversation with women until I was 20, I didn't even go on a date till I was 22. And I still have yet to kiss a girl, have sex, or be in a relationship. 1
lovely81 Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 This always strikes me as something people say "I can't believe she hasn't been in a relationship for X years," when they don't know the person or they're already inclined not to like the person. If someone likes you and are right for you, those kinds of details become more like "oh, that's so interesting! that makes you you!" not things to judge you on...one of the beauties of love is not being judged. I've been embarrassed so many times about not "fitting in," only to find later that others saw this as a source of strength because they saw me as doing what felt right for me rather than following the crowd. Tomato, to-mah-toe. Own yourself, 100%. Billions of lives, billions of ways. That said, when I was in my twenties, I don't know if it was psychologically possible for me to own myself . . . had to go through a lot of not owning myself to figure out it was actually the only option. Good luck, OP!
Miss Spider Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) Well people ask this typically on the 1st date. It's sometimes a topic brought up in the first few convos exchanged with each other in the process of getting to know each other. . While I've never had lack of experience be a deal breaker, and I don't think anyone is saying it always is, for many it is a bit of a marker of something being off due to convention. It's natural for humans to judge/make inferences...especially about a stranger that might be in their life for awhile. I don't judge on that because I empathize with being a kissless virgin all throughout high school until after college or going 10 years with no desire to on a date,, but most people cannot. On a first date you want to be your best self/no markers or red flags. Edited October 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
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