Drinking in the early stages of dating

[Gaeta]

I feel really disappointed about the whole thing. To be honest, I think I've developed a bit of a drinking problem.

I don't think everyday. But when I do drink, I usually drink to get wasted.

It was a wake up call and an issue I need to address. I'm not ready to date until I face this problem.

Deep down I think this guy was actually a decent person. But no better then I am.

I really screwed it all up by making poor choices

And put myself at risk with him.

 

Once someone told me, everyone crossing our path is teaching us something about ourselves. I am glad you can look inward and identified why this happened. It turned out an embarrassing moment with this man, it could have turned out a tragic one if he had been a man out to hurt a woman.

 

Good luck in your new journey.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Move on.

 

He took advantage of your inebriated and compromised state. It doesn't matter, in this case, how many times he asked you. He knew you were impaired and that should have been enough to simply let you sleep off your drunken state.

 

He dumped you b/c he got what he wanted. THE SEX. He may have been turned off by your drunken state, but that didn't stop him from doing the deed before he decided you were not a match. His primary goal was to get into your pants.

 

Others have mentioned this, but if it takes you to get drunk to be more open to the guys, you have bigger problems. You are placing yourself in situations that require that you are level-headed.

[GunslingerRoland]

So a man and a woman are both drinking heavily.

 

He says they shouldn't have sex, she persists and they end up having sex.

 

So he took advantage of her.

 

So men are expected to be able to always make the right decision while drunk, but women don't have to take responsibility for their actions?

 

Sorry, I don't agree with this line of thinking... they were both drunk they both made a bad decision, but lets not act like OP was a saint who was taken advantage of. She's admitted that she made mistakes, and that she has a problem.

 

OP, I'm glad you've realized that you are falling down a slippery slope. You shouldn't be getting this drunk at all, especially not on an early date with someone you are trying to get to know.

 

No one can know what his reason was for breaking up with you, unless you ask him.

[Miss Spider]

I see what you're saying gun slinger Roland. They were both probably drunk and making poor decisions. I am guessing he is not judging her on being drunk. I think he just did not want to continue the relationship further. But OP should really watch her drinking and because it can be very unsafe and lead to very unfavorable consequences

[Gr8fuln2020]

So a man and a woman are both drinking heavily.

 

He says they shouldn't have sex, she persists and they end up having sex.

 

So he took advantage of her.

 

So men are expected to be able to always make the right decision while drunk, but women don't have to take responsibility for their actions?

 

Sorry, I don't agree with this line of thinking... they were both drunk they both made a bad decision, but lets not act like OP was a saint who was taken advantage of. She's admitted that she made mistakes, and that she has a problem.

 

OP, I'm glad you've realized that you are falling down a slippery slope. You shouldn't be getting this drunk at all, especially not on an early date with someone you are trying to get to know.

 

No one can know what his reason was for breaking up with you, unless you ask him.

 

I don't believe anyone thinks she was a saint. Her inebriated state should be enough for anyone, who is smart and wants to avoid trouble, to simply say, nah, this is not the time to do this. He was clearly 'aware' enough to have had asked numerous times, so his faculties were not shot. Yes, BOTH were responsible for this foolishness.

 

Ultimately, my point is that he wanted sex. I doubt her drinking was what primarily kept him from continuing with a relationship.

[MajesticUnicorn]

I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. It's good that you are self-aware and realized that you made a wrong decision. It's just one of those things that you have to live and learn from, but don't dwell on. Like others have said, he doesn't really sound like a real winner to me anyway. I know rejection sucks, but do you really want to end up with a guy that treats you that way? It takes two people to have sex, so he really isn't any better than you for engaging in sex with a very intoxicated girl.

 

I'm not sure how old you are. I'm 23, and have been in similar situations because quite frankly a lot of the dates with guys my age involve drinking and hooking up. I'm not proud of it by any means. Clearly those dates = didn't last. Like you I kind of took a step back and realized I wasn't making the wisest decisions, especially when it comes to knowing my limits. It's kind of hard when a lot of my friends drink to get trashed, lol. But I'm doing better. I think monitoring your alcohol intake is really wise, especially when it comes to dates.

[FaithInTheDark]

The guy is kind of an jerk like I said before but yeah.

I think it's time to focus on personal growth before dispensing more energy into this world of dating. But I did let him really doubt myself and take away my power.

[Romantic_Antics]

It's entirely possible that he was turned off by the amount of drinking you were doing, not just on the night you had sex, but apparently every time you went out. Having drunken sex might have been the final straw for him and left him questioning whether this was a regular occurrence for you.

 

From personal experience, I dated a woman once upon a time who got plastered every time we went out. The incident that finally ended things for me was when we were at her house and she was so heavily intoxicated that she couldn't talk or walk straight. She then went into her bedroom with me in tow, flopped onto her bed, and pulled her pants down. I didn't even touch her and told her I was leaving. It made me so uncomfortable it felt like I was being lured into a rape situation. I broke up with her the very next day and said something similar to what your guy said to you.

[kassy]

I was not an attractive drunk. I also seemed to only drink to get wasted. I didn't really end up having sex with people but I did do thigs I regret. I have a no drinking on dates policy now. I don't drink often these days (yes I still go out but I don't often drink, just when I fancy it). I discovered life without hangovers is amazing.

 

I also discovered that Ilove sober dating. It's more fun for me, we do more fun things and I also get to evaluate people better. I've been on lots of dates where if booze was involved in sure I would have kissed them at least but that would have been crap because while I had a fun date and enjoyed their company for one reason or another I knew things weren't really compatible.

 

But equally, when you do meet someone you like and everything is done sober then you are more present and so are they and it tends to be much less stressful for me since I know if I said something I meant it and probably so did they.

 

I'm not saying you need to be totally sober at all, but deciding in advance what amount of booze is a good level for you to still be able to make better assessments of the people you're dating and managing your own behaviour before going on the date may help a lot.

 

But do consider the odd sober date. It's nerve racking the first few times but after that it's fine. It's actually made me feel a lot more confident knowing I can do it all sober with the right guy. And if it's not the right guy I'll have fun but no regrets.

[Miss Spider]

The difference is that this guy actually slept with her though. Yea, he was drunk too so his inhibitions were lowered...but he still did it. He asked several times for confirmation if she was sure about it and I think I know why: He wasn't sure he wanted to do it. I've been on several dates with guys who say hookups are not their thing and do not try to initiate beyond kissing/makeout. I wrote about it here and one of the responses from men was that they won't sleep with a girl before they see a 'future' with her. This is because for them, sex complicates things a lot. Also they must consider the girl. Going on dates/having fun and kissing is not really guilt inducing if you aren't sure about the person. Having sex can be.

 

This was a hook up since you both didn't know each other that well. He might have been overcome with passion/lust plus the alcohol so he got swept away in the moment. , but the next day regretted it because he wasn't ready to go there ... in other words, he didn't see a long-term thing yet and didn't want to lead you on. This may have been hard for him too...

 

 

Also, this is why I think if I would like ghosting/the fade out better than being told we aren't a match. Either the way it's hurts the other person and they become an a*hole in their eyes, but "We are not a match" sounds so pretentious... or something. I say it because I was told here to say it? I have to reconsider this

Edited October 11, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Romantic_Antics]

Also, this is why I think if I would like ghosting/the fade out better than being told we aren't a match. Either the way it's hurts the other person and they become an a*hole in their eyes, but "We are not a match" sounds so pretentious... or something. Though I say it because I was told here to say it? I have to reconsider this

 

I'm not sure that I can agree with this. I believe in being up front and honest with a woman and think it's significantly worse to just drop off the map without another word. Leaving the other person in limbo without any explanation while you ghost on them can end up being far more hurtful.

 

If it's said the right way, you can gently let the other person know that you don't feel that you're a good match. I think that's better than leaving them hanging and wondering what they did wrong.

[Shining One]

Also, this is why I think if I would like ghosting/the fade out better than being told we aren't a match. Either the way it's hurts the other person and they become an a*hole in their eyes, but "We are not a match" sounds so pretentious... or something. I say it because I was told here to say it? I have to reconsider this

The inherent problem is that you don't know the other person's preference. You, the OP, and some others dislike how the man in question ended things and prefer he would have done things differently. Perhaps this is his preferred way of things being ended with him. I'm perfectly fine with "we're not a match" or some variation of that. My point is: No matter which method you use to end things, you're going to end up "doing it wrong" for some people.

 

Perhaps dating sites should add a checkbox for your preferred method of being dumped.

1. Tell me we're not a match
   
2. Ghost me
   
3. Make up a lie to spare my feelings
   
4. Give me the brutal, honest truth
   

[Shining One]

OP, he could have ended things for any number of reasons that might have nothing to do with your drinking. I've been in similar situations to this man and my reasons have varied quite a bit. You won't know unless you ask and he chooses to answer (not that I'm recommending this course of action).

[FaithInTheDark]

It's entirely possible that he was turned off by the amount of drinking you were doing, not just on the night you had sex, but apparently every time you went out. Having drunken sex might have been the final straw for him and left him questioning whether this was a regular occurrence for you.

 

From personal experience, I dated a woman once upon a time who got plastered every time we went out. The incident that finally ended things for me was when we were at her house and she was so heavily intoxicated that she couldn't talk or walk straight. She then went into her bedroom with me in tow, flopped onto her bed, and pulled her pants down. I didn't even touch her and told her I was leaving. It made me so uncomfortable it felt like I was being lured into a rape situation. I broke up with her the very next day and said something similar to what your guy said to you.

Yikes. That sounds pretty brutal situation you were in.

The other dates I wasn't heavily drinking. We both had 2 each the other dates.

Also, the last night he was drinking with us. So yeah haha

[FaithInTheDark]

I think ghosting is really immature and disrespectful.

I can't believe anyone would perfer that way. I'm really glad we told me straight up. As soon as you hear the news you can mentally prepare yourself to move on from the failed relationship.