HumanMachine Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 How about focusing on creating your own ticket out..
Author thecrucible Posted October 25, 2017 Author Posted October 25, 2017 I'm so proud of you for staying strong. The more details you give about this guy, the more convinced I am that he is playing you. As I told you earlier, my daughter was involved with 2 guys who were so wrong for her. I knew it the first time I met both of them. But she is very strong willed and wouldn't listen to my suspicions. One guy was a lot older and very manipulative like your Ex. One time when i told her I was trying to protect her and help her learn from my mistakes, she said, "Just let me make my own mistakes!" It broke my heart but I had to step back and let her do it. After she left the last guy, she went on Eharmony and they matched her with her husband. They are so compatible, and get along so well. But she admitted to me that she thinks she wouldn't appreciate him so much if she hadn't gone through those bad relationships. I continue to pray for you that you will see how precious you are. And that you will find a guy who treasures you treats you like his princess. My daughter used to tell me that those guys don't exist. Now she knows they do. Thank you. I'm so happy for your daughter. I agree with what you're saying. I can see his inconsistent statements and I don't want to be made a fool of. I don't think I'm deeply in love with him as he didn't provide all my emotional needs but for some reason he's addictive, like a drug. I've stayed no contact but got a letter through the post yesterday with questions for me. It sounded heartfelt but my friend pointed out that he could have just pulled these questions from a book. I always asked him in the relationship to ask me more questions about me because I didn't understand his lack of curiosity about my personality and he would just say "I prefer to learn by listening and observing"...It really got to me because if for instance I went to a party or out with my friends, the next day he wouldn't even ask me simple stuff like "so where did you go?", "what did you eat?" etc. I do have moments where I just cry but it's only when I'm alone at night. I'm fine in my job during the day and when I am spending time with my friends. However my friends are busy with their boyfriends so I don't always see them and that's the kind of loneliness I felt before I met him. Thanks for listening. I do really appreciate your advice. A lot of people are trying to convince me to go back or reconsider but it's very hard for me to trust him. 1
Author thecrucible Posted October 25, 2017 Author Posted October 25, 2017 How about focusing on creating your own ticket out.. Do you mean in terms of creating a great life for myself? That's what I aim to do once I get over the initial feelings and emotional withdrawal. I have carried on in some ways - applied for a course today and have been looking at career options. The first thing I did after I broke up with him was take my CV to a careers advisor and book a 10 day holiday just for me (as this was the time I was meant to go on holiday with him).
SpecialJ Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 I think you're doing great. And who are these people who think they know what's best for you, telling you to go back? If they are your friends or family, ask them nicely to respect your decision that you don't want to be with him right now, you're not ready to speak with him at the moment, and if they want to support you then what you need right now is activity (and maybe workout) buddies and not to hear more about him. You're handling this well, don't let them create doubts that you don't have.
Author thecrucible Posted October 26, 2017 Author Posted October 26, 2017 I think you're doing great. And who are these people who think they know what's best for you, telling you to go back? If they are your friends or family, ask them nicely to respect your decision that you don't want to be with him right now, you're not ready to speak with him at the moment, and if they want to support you then what you need right now is activity (and maybe workout) buddies and not to hear more about him. You're handling this well, don't let them create doubts that you don't have. Thank you for your advice. Well I've decided my anxiety is so much that I'll just sit on his letters i.e. not reply. Sometimes I have the urge to reply so maybe if I leave it, I'll lose that urge. Who knows? They are tucked away in a drawer now. It's certain friends of mine who think I should give it a chance but I also have a few that give me blunt advice and I am leaning towards them at the moment. I think it's really hurtful that some of his behaviours can look really loving to the outsider but my experience isn't so because they don't know what it's been like for me in terms of all the contradictions from him. I mean this is a guy who insists he wants me for the long term and yet struggles to say whether or not he wants to get married and says he cares deeply but didn't ask after me when ill or ask questions getting to really know me as a person. He is full of contradictions and now he is bringing out new romantic gestures that I would have liked in the relationship i.e. love letters. It's confusing to me that he's coming out with this only after I broke up with him. Incidentally my friend that says I should reconsider is also going through something with her bf. And guess what?!? He said exactly the same thing my ex did re: commitment i.e. "I'm thinking about in ten years' time and I don't want to set a timeline in case it ruins the surprise of a proposal". Do all men use a certain phrase book and regurgitate the same phrases to use on women? I seriously want to know?!?!
zinnia9876 Posted October 27, 2017 Posted October 27, 2017 I know this is a difficult time especially since he won't leave you alone. My daughter's Ex did the same thing. He immediately started texting her non stop and bombarding her with lies, saying, "It's too bad you left because I was going to marry you." He got in her head because he wouldn't leave her alone so she could think. It reminded me of a salesman. You know how they keep promising you things and don't want you to leave the store, because they know once you leave the store and have time to think about the purchase, the chances that you'll buy go down significantly. He is doing the same thing to you. He knows the longer you are away the less chance he has of you coming back so that's why he is putting so much pressure on you. I'm proud of you for signing up for a class and for investing in you. 2
Author thecrucible Posted October 28, 2017 Author Posted October 28, 2017 I know this is a difficult time especially since he won't leave you alone. My daughter's Ex did the same thing. He immediately started texting her non stop and bombarding her with lies, saying, "It's too bad you left because I was going to marry you." He got in her head because he wouldn't leave her alone so she could think. It reminded me of a salesman. You know how they keep promising you things and don't want you to leave the store, because they know once you leave the store and have time to think about the purchase, the chances that you'll buy go down significantly. He is doing the same thing to you. He knows the longer you are away the less chance he has of you coming back so that's why he is putting so much pressure on you. I'm proud of you for signing up for a class and for investing in you. Thank you Zinnia. With my ex, he hasn't been sending me any texts or phone calls. He's been out of communication except for the three letters and the time he turned up at my work the day after I broke up with him to try and convince me to change my mind. But yes I think he is doing exactly what you are saying. I am upset that I have realised that he isn't who I wanted him to be but I am glad that it was me who pulled the trigger because that gives me back some power. I went out with a group of girlfriends tonight. I was proud of myself as I was in a really good mood and I only thought about him a few times. I rejected some advances from other men (basically no rebounds) because even though I'm not with him I have to detach as I did have real feelings for him. I still have feelings for him but I don't want to live in denial. This is difficult. When I got his letters I cried reading them. They're tucked away in a drawer now. I remember when I turned 26 and that was when I realised that I was ready for marriage and children and ever since then I get so fed up of men messing me around. I'll be turning 28 soon but hopefully I'll get to meet someone soon who is on the same page as me but most importantly loves and appreciates me for who I am. I am a sweet studious kind of woman and I am very deep and sensitive and it's so hard to find a man who values those kinds of qualities. I've planned a trip away with friends. I deliberately booked in the time period I was going to go abroad on holiday with my now ex. I've also worked on my CV and applied to a few jobs as I am looking for an escape. I figure if I moved to a bigger place (I currently live in a small town in rural area where there aren't a lot of men) then maybe I'll become less fixated on him. Thanks so much for all of your support. It's very hard as others don't know his bad qualities - the having me on a string stuff...they just see the romantic gestures he did and question why I let go of him.
Steve51 Posted October 28, 2017 Posted October 28, 2017 I do not know how to teach you to be self confident. When I broke up with a girlfriend, I always thought it was their loss, not mine. I knew what I was capable of so it never bothered me. Never cried and felt sad, just disappointed in the girl and somewhat excited to find another girlfriend. Self confidence comes from knowing that you can succeed at anything you set your mind to. Of course that is difficult if your past has not provided anything to give you confidence but I find that most people hold themselves back. They are not driven to succeed and to think they are as worthy as anyone else. I was a shy kid who made himself do things until I got good at them. I did whatever it took to make me a success and many people just give up because it is too hard or they start off thinking they will fail. I have some butt ugly friends who have beautiful wives. Looks are not everything and girls find self confidence sexy. 1
Author thecrucible Posted October 28, 2017 Author Posted October 28, 2017 I do not know how to teach you to be self confident. When I broke up with a girlfriend, I always thought it was their loss, not mine. I knew what I was capable of so it never bothered me. Never cried and felt sad, just disappointed in the girl and somewhat excited to find another girlfriend. I've not been too bad with this breakup. I didn't cry after I broke up with him on the phone or even during our conversation. I actually felt relieved in a weird way. The only times I've cried have been when I get a letter from him and I think "This sounds so romantic and lovely but why this now and not when we were together?"...I think I am just sad that now I know the truth about him and about the mind games...Oh and it's the loneliness but better being lonely alone than with someone else. I've been through a lot in the past with men. I don't think I lack self-confidence because I did have enough guts to break up with him in the first place. And I don't need to cling to anything that isn't right...but it's just frustrating for me. You know when you experience things at a young age and it changes you? Mine was an abusive relationship when I was 18; and I had no one to turn to and people believed him over me so it felt even worse when trying to move on. It took me ages to unlearn certain patterns but I don't know why I attract controlling men. That's what he was like in a way - treated my opinion, needs etc as subordinate to his. I didn't think he would be that selfish as he seemed quite quiet and unassuming and less outgoing than me. I'm quite a social person and I do a lot of public speaking in my work so I have developed more self-confidence that way. I am driven to succeed but I find it easy to doubt myself. I didn't receive a lot of praise growing up and it's affected my self-confidence even now. I never really got over that. I was shy too so I can empathise with your experience. But that was then and this is now so trying to stay positive and look forward. Thanks for your advice, Steve. .
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