Belle23 Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) Long story short, I asked this guy out that I see almost daily and got rejected. I was surprised by the rejection cause I was certain he was into me, but he said he has a girlfriend (I wasn't aware). Since rejecting me, I've left him alone. However, he still keeps staring at me and approaching me. I told him that I feel confused by his behavior after he rejected me and he told me he didn't reject me, he only rejected the situation (What??). I do not feel that he trying to have something with me on the side nor do I want that, but I do that he's just trying to keep me around in case something happens in his relationship. Generally, I'm fine with the rejection, but I feel like I need some space so I don't get confused. I don't want to be a jerk since I have to see him so much, so how should I handle this? He won't leave me alone and I just want my space for awhile. Edited October 9, 2017 by Belle23
O'Malley Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 If you're not interested in being friends with him, say so and that you prefer to have space. 1
stillafool Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 Just tell him you don't feel comfortable being friends with him and to please leave you alone. That's all you can do. 1
Author Belle23 Posted October 9, 2017 Author Posted October 9, 2017 Is that overreacting? I know I have a habit of thinking about things too emotionally at first, then later I know I've overreacted. Is it silly to not be ok with being friends after rejection?
Zahara Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) Is that overreacting? I know I have a habit of thinking about things too emotionally at first, then later I know I've overreacted. Is it silly to not be ok with being friends after rejection? I'm not sure why you feel the need to box yourself into a corner with an ultimatum -- either friends or not. You don't have to be friends. What's the need there? You can be civil and professional as work mates. It's up to you to define your boundaries. Treat him like you would treat any other co-worker. Edited October 9, 2017 by Zahara 2
O'Malley Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 Is it silly to not be ok with being friends after rejection? Sure; be polite and friendly but treat him like your other acquaintances. There will be some initial awkwardness but it will dissipate over time. He's not a bad person for turning you down and you're not a bad person if you prefer not to have a friendship with him.
act00 Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 How do you know him and see him all the time? With work or school, just be friendly like you would anyone else you work with or have a class with. You probably don't want to pull the plug on any general rapport, just treat him like any other acquaintance. That's all you can do, and the discomfort will dissipate in time. Your class will end, etc. If you're bumping into him constantly outside of places like work or school that you can't avoid, can you change the time you go to the gym, shop at a different store, get gas elsewhere, or anything else ... as long as it's convenient. You shouldn't have to change your life and routines around a rejection, but it may help, in the short-term, to temporarily take a detour, and then you can get back to your normal routines and life. Again, I stress I'm not saying to completely change your life to avoid this guy, but it might help to temporarily make some changes and give you the breathing space you need. He sounds like he is attracted to you if you caught the vibe that he was interested and available, which also makes me think he flirts...obviously that's confusing. Don't flirt back. A friendly hello if you bump into each other and move along is all you need to do. Don't burn bridges with someone who is a constant fixture in your life. This too shall pass. It will get easier. 1
Author Belle23 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Posted October 12, 2017 Ok, so I've tried to do the avoidance method - he's been everywhere! His attempts to purposely run into me are so blatantly obvious that it's annoying. Why is he doing this to me? He has to know I'm hurt on some level. Should I ask him for space or is that immature?
Miss Spider Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 (edited) That sucks. You definitely can. Personally, I would not. He either isn't noticing what he's doing or liking the little ego boost. Try not to let him faze you and turn your attention towards other things/guys. I've had to deal with some pretty nightmare people at my last job. I just keep focus and ignore. It can be a lesson in emotional maturity for you and also next time don't try dip ping your pen in the company ink, nomsayan Edited October 12, 2017 by Cookiesandough
The Urbanyst Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Just talk about how attractive other men are every time he talks to you. He will leave you alone fast. True story. I was friends with a girl a few years ago whom I started developing sexual interest in. So I started coming onto her. She said she wanted to remain friends. Then she told me how attracted she was to one of her homosexual male friends and how hot and sexy he was. I stopped associating with her after that.
TheTraveler Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Long story short, I asked this guy out that I see almost daily and got rejected. I was surprised by the rejection cause I was certain he was into me, but he said he has a girlfriend (I wasn't aware). Since rejecting me, I've left him alone. However, he still keeps staring at me and approaching me. I told him that I feel confused by his behavior after he rejected me and he told me he didn't reject me, he only rejected the situation (What??). I do not feel that he trying to have something with me on the side nor do I want that, but I do that he's just trying to keep me around in case something happens in his relationship. Generally, I'm fine with the rejection, but I feel like I need some space so I don't get confused. I don't want to be a jerk since I have to see him so much, so how should I handle this? He won't leave me alone and I just want my space for awhile. Maybe it's me, but I don't get this. He has a gf so he did the right thing and told you. I wouldn't say it's rejection, more like unavailable. Why can't you continue talking the way before?
KBob Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 Maybe it's me, but I don't get this. He has a gf so he did the right thing and told you. I wouldn't say it's rejection, more like unavailable. Why can't you continue talking the way before? This is what I was thinking, as well. You seem to be taking it very personally, but to me it sounds like he's interested and simply unavailable. I agree with you, he's most likely keeping you in his view, possible because his relationship is on the way out. You clearly seem like you won't be something on the side for him, and you don't think that's what he wants, so where is the harm in being friendly with him? 1
Author Belle23 Posted October 13, 2017 Author Posted October 13, 2017 Maybe it's me, but I don't get this. He has a gf so he did the right thing and told you. I wouldn't say it's rejection, more like unavailable. Why can't you continue talking the way before? This is what I was thinking, as well. You seem to be taking it very personally, but to me it sounds like he's interested and simply unavailable. I agree with you, he's most likely keeping you in his view, possible because his relationship is on the way out. You clearly seem like you won't be something on the side for him, and you don't think that's what he wants, so where is the harm in being friendly with him? I probably am taking it too personal. It's not that I don't ever want to be friends or friendly with him again, just not right now. I want time to at least clear my head.
Versacehottie Posted October 13, 2017 Posted October 13, 2017 Ok, so I've tried to do the avoidance method - he's been everywhere! His attempts to purposely run into me are so blatantly obvious that it's annoying. Why is he doing this to me? He has to know I'm hurt on some level. Should I ask him for space or is that immature? Hmmmm, he is probably intrigued now that he knows you are interested even if his "situation" prevents him from moving forward with you. I would take the "situation" comment as a compliment--means that the timing is off but he otherwise would want to date you, which is backed up by actions that seem to be similar. Ok, that's why. What to do? I would TAKE space on your own and kind of gently avoid him or cut conversations short. If he asks why, then explain your position and that it's for the best right now. You could also ask for space but in a mature way--ie "out of respect that you are in a relationship, i think it's best if we didn't talk as much". Immature would be "i need space, like you are hurt and unable to process or deal with the "rejection"--which BTW, i wouldn't look at it like that. Take it for what it is: you were and are getting signals from him but the timing is bad. No reason to be hurt about it and who knows what the future holds. I know people who are together now who had bad timing previously (one or both were in a relationship). They just didn't take it like it was a black or white thing and later on the timing lined up. He doesn't sound like he was trying to let you down easily and I guess in all fairness you either could have poked around a bit more to find out if he had a gf or maybe you dodged a bullet if a guy who has a gf is sending out signals that he is interested in you/people who are not his gf. You just need to find a new and more productive way to characterize this event in your head to get over the emotional part of it. I can think of several "good" things about you having asked this guy out, even though you didn't get what you wanted in the near term. Good luck
lurker74 Posted October 13, 2017 Posted October 13, 2017 Ok, so I've tried to do the avoidance method - he's been everywhere! His attempts to purposely run into me are so blatantly obvious that it's annoying. Why is he doing this to me? He has to know I'm hurt on some level. Should I ask him for space or is that immature? So, he's into you. Congratulations. You know who else will be into you? Thousands of other dudes that don't have girlfriends. What he is doing to keeping you warm in case he breaks up with his GF. Honestly, I don't think that makes him a complete loser because he's human and feeling attractive is intoxicating. It takes a particularly deep human being to fight off that feeling. BUT You are entirely within your rights to tell him to leave you alone. Politely if possible but sternly if necessary. Here's why: You were surprised that he had a girlfriend, which means he was giving you all the signals that he was available when he wasn't. That is not appropriate behavior and you should feel very very slightly deluded by it. So I would suggest that you start by saying something along the lines of, listen, you were giving me signals so I asked you out. Then you told me you had a girlfriend. I don't feel that was a completely honest way to act so we should probably keep to ourselves for a while. Just my $.02.
kendahke Posted October 13, 2017 Posted October 13, 2017 I do not feel that he trying to have something with me on the side nor do I want that, but I do that he's just trying to keep me around in case something happens in his relationship. This is two ways of saying the same thing. Keeping you around in case something happens in his relationship is the same thing as having something/you on the side. He has to maintain contact with you in order to do that. As long as you're talking to him and avoiding letting him know you're no longer interested and to respect that, he's going to maintain contact with you to keep you in the bullpen. I don't want to be a jerk since I have to see him so much, so how should I handle this? He won't leave me alone and I just want my space for awhile. You're going to have to be a jerk if he won't leave you alone. Besides, why would you want to be nice to someone who is acting inappropriately behind his girlfriend's back? What he's doing now with you is what he will be doing if he was with you. Make it clear that you are no longer interested in him.
Redhead14 Posted October 13, 2017 Posted October 13, 2017 Turn the table on him -- "I understand you have a girlfriend and out of respect for that relationship, I don't want to maintain contact with you. I don't think your girlfriend would appreciate it we maintain and friendship even because there is an attraction between us. I was hoping for something more and that's not possible. I will go out and date someone who is available." There are tons of posts on these boards that demonstrate that, in general, men and women don't feel comfortable with their SOs starting up new friendships with the opposite sex. So why "poke that bear"? If nothing else, if you entertain all this knowing he knows you are attracted to him, he will keep you on the side "in the name of friendship" until things fall apart in the relationship. That's not a comfortable position to be in. 1
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