LONG READ:Why doesn't he want me MOVING ON when he did?

[BlueIvy]

Long story short, probably won't be short,lol..

 

I was with my ex for nearly 4 years. He is in his 50s and I'm in my 20s. I even lived with him during the last year of our relationship. We broke up ultimately because of the age difference. He already lived his life and I barely started mine. He did bring marriage up before but then he was like, "Find the younger version of me." Basically saying he wants better for me and how much he loves me to let me go when "I have a young beautiful woman who loves me unconditionally, why would I give that up?"

 

We actually broke up a year ago but we still hung out platonically on a regular basis. Then, he started mentioning a long distance girlfriend. Weird, because he would look down upon people in long distance relationships, inferring they aren't real relationships. I would ask him about her and he would say, "How I am suppose to know how she's doing? She's thousands of miles away."

 

But then I got more proof that it was more serious than he insinuated. Like, they went together on vacation a few times with his married friends.

 

So, I felt it was my place to keep my distance. So, I gave him back his house key, to which he seemed sad about and acted clueless.

I also didn't really initiate contact with him anymore. However, he would hit me up to hang out for dinner and I stupidly said yes. When we hung out and he dropped me off home, he would ask me for a kiss on the cheek which I would decline.

 

Also, despite him being in a LDR, while on vacation with her, he brought me back a necklace and a fancy mirror.

 

In March, I did a rebound and told him about it to spite him since it seemed he was rubbing his relationship in my face. And he basically got mad and jealous. But then 10 minutes later he said, "I am happy you're moving on." Later that same night, we talked and I insinuated he is desperate to be with his current gf and he said "Yes" He said he got someone who wouldn't hurt him. I didn't even hurt him.

 

 

Anyway, 2 months ago, I decided I didn't want to be "friends" with him. I realize it wasn't really a friendship and when we hung out, he would say or do something F up. He would send me texts saying, "You're the most beautiful woman I know and have ever known." "If I was 25 years younger, I would have married you." He even told me how he would show off my pictures to people. I guess to feed his ego because "No one will ever believe I had a 20 something beautiful girlfriend." All this while having a GF.

 

So, July was the last time I saw him. In that time, I felt HAPPIER, less stressed,more focused and going out more. I didn't miss him at all and realized I am no longer in love with him...I still care for him but not in love...

 

So, last week he shows up at my job saying he hasn't seen me in awhile and updating me about his life. He also offered to buy a little gift.

 

So, next week we hung out, which he initiated and he basically tells me how got a tattoo of his name is his girlfriend's handwriting. That turned me off because there was no reason for me to know.Also, it hurt my ego a little considering they only been together less than a year.

 

He smokes ganga but I don't. But I was just so mad I didn't wanna cry in front of him so I took a hit which relaxed me. I even got bold and asked him who is his best lover. And he said, "You." And he mentioned I am the prettiest girlfriend he's had.

 

I stupidly asked him if they are getting married and he said, "IDK" So, I said so you would marry her, and he said, "maybe." So, then he said, "I am with her with, I am not with you." I think he lied because he has already been married 3 times, 2 ended in divorce. But he got a tattoo at his old age, so who knows,lol.

 

Anyway, I blocked his number finally. I realize how manipulative he is and IDK why he is even doing this, when I didn't do anything to him. I don't want to see or hear from him again, done being a dumb ass. I think I am a little hurt because I feel I was just a trophy to him, a play thing. I feel I wasted my time and could have been with someone else, who would have married me. I think that's what gets to me the most.

 

 

I am talking/dating now but haven't met anyone I clicked with yet. I have no bad wishes against him, and happy he has someone. But why can't he do the same for me?

Edited October 9, 2017 by BlueIvy

[BlueIvy]

Forgot to add this:

 

He tried to ask me for relationship advice the other day too. He said he wants personal advice and I said why me. And he said, “you’re a woman and it’s about a woman” I declined and told him to ask someone else. Why ask your ex girlfriend about your current gf? And it’s funny because later he talks about how’s he is older and wiser than me so wtf you need my advice for?

[CupCakess]

You can't be friends with an ex. You either break-up and each goes seperate ways, or you stay together.

[BlueIvy]

You can't be friends with an ex. You either break-up and each goes seperate ways, or you stay together.

 

I finally realize this. I have tried to seperate ways but then he pops up again. Which is ****ed up considering he’s in a LDR.

[elaine567]

I finally realize this. I have tried to seperate ways but then he pops up again. Which is ****ed up considering he’s in a LDR.

 

Its called cake eating.

He wants you and he wants her too. She is his gf and he may indeed marry her, but he wants to keep you as a little "fun" on the side.

[BlueIvy]

Its called cake eating.

He wants you and he wants her too. She is his gf and he may indeed marry her, but he wants to keep you as a little "fun" on the side.

We haven't had sex since we broke up and he hasn't initiated sex since we broke up. So, what fun is he getting in playing games,lol? If he was single, I could see his reasoning or if we were still intimate. And he is in his 50s, so it's like, act like it.

[jackofmany]

When the four year relationship ended, who split up with who, and how did the age difference come up? I am curious because I recently got out of a relationship (well, was kicked out) where there was a significant age difference.

 

That aside, I think this man has been incredibly selfish when it comes to you. I can tell you from experience that there is something particularly intoxicating when a much younger and beautiful woman is into you. The last girl I dated was like this, and she pursued *me*. It is an amazing feeling.

 

I think he doesn't want to lose access to that feeling, this idea that someone as young and pretty as you would choose him, so the idea of you moving on bothers him. It reasserts the basic condition. You are younger and have more options, enough options that he will eventually fade into the background. It sounds possible from what you've written that this is already starting?

 

When he can have you in his life, even as a "friend", he is getting the validation of a young, pretty girl who is at least remotely jealous of his status. It's an ego trip, and its pretty childish and disgusting, in my opinion.

 

I haven't written about it elsewhere, because it wasn't pertinent to the advice I was after, but as I process my recent breakup and try to figure out why it has been so hard on me, I realize that 1) yes, I did truly fall for this young woman who broke my heart (I tried to tell myself not to) and 2) there is a piece of this heartbreak that actually has to do with realizing my youth is behind me, something that dating someone in their 20's when you are much older has a way of letting you know.

 

So I think he gets upset when you start to move on because then he has to face reality. He may have a girlfriend, and a tattoo (getting your girlfriend's name tattooed on you at his age doesn't strike me as a good sight), but you, as the prettiest, sexiest girl he's dated (and it sounds like he likes to at least talk about that) are uniquely qualified to keep validating his ego. Which he doesn't deserve.

 

You have more of what he does not. Options. You moving on will remind him forcibly of that, and then what's he going to do? He's not going to be able to confide in the girlfriend that's for sure. He'll just burn a little inside with jealousy, and from what I can tell, he deserves it.

[basil67]

We haven't had sex since we broke up and he hasn't initiated sex since we broke up. So, what fun is he getting in playing games,lol? If he was single, I could see his reasoning or if we were still intimate. And he is in his 50s, so it's like, act like it.

 

Age and maturity don't necessarily go hand in hand. I've known very sensible young people and immature old people.

 

Generally speaking, it's a fools errand to try and figure out why a person does what they do. Half they time they probably don't even know why either! All you can do is manage your own reactions to them. In this case, block him and move on.

[BlueIvy]

When the four year relationship ended, who split up with who, and how did the age difference come up? I am curious because I recently got out of a relationship (well, was kicked out) where there was a significant age difference.

 

That aside, I think this man has been incredibly selfish when it comes to you. I can tell you from experience that there is something particularly intoxicating when a much younger and beautiful woman is into you. The last girl I dated was like this, and she pursued *me*. It is an amazing feeling.

 

I think he doesn't want to lose access to that feeling, this idea that someone as young and pretty as you would choose him, so the idea of you moving on bothers him. It reasserts the basic condition. You are younger and have more options, enough options that he will eventually fade into the background. It sounds possible from what you've written that this is already starting?

 

When he can have you in his life, even as a "friend", he is getting the validation of a young, pretty girl who is at least remotely jealous of his status. It's an ego trip, and its pretty childish and disgusting, in my opinion.

 

I haven't written about it elsewhere, because it wasn't pertinent to the advice I was after, but as I process my recent breakup and try to figure out why it has been so hard on me, I realize that 1) yes, I did truly fall for this young woman who broke my heart (I tried to tell myself not to) and 2) there is a piece of this heartbreak that actually has to do with realizing my youth is behind me, something that dating someone in their 20's when you are much older has a way of letting you know.

 

So I think he gets upset when you start to move on because then he has to face reality. He may have a girlfriend, and a tattoo (getting your girlfriend's name tattooed on you at his age doesn't strike me as a good sight), but you, as the prettiest, sexiest girl he's dated (and it sounds like he likes to at least talk about that) are uniquely qualified to keep validating his ego. Which he doesn't deserve.

 

You have more of what he does not. Options. You moving on will remind him forcibly of that, and then what's he going to do? He's not going to be able to confide in the girlfriend that's for sure. He'll just burn a little inside with jealousy, and from what I can tell, he deserves it.

I agree, I think it's just an ego trip. Because even when we hung out last week he requested that we hold hands and I said, "**** no" to which he said, "You're not gonna hold my hand after I am taking you out to an expensive restaurant to eat." He has always been enamored with my looks and has even referred to me as a trophy. I never liked it because I have more going for myself than my looks. If I got quite mad when he said it, he would then mentioned how nice I am, smart, blah blah.

 

As for our break up, it was kinda mutual. He brought it up and I basically agreed. Cause at that time, we were arguing more. And I started questioning the relationship and realizing there was no future. But we never stopped hanging with each other. It was only when he mentioned a girlfriend that I took steps to distance myself.

 

To be honest, the age difference always affected the relationship. He was insecure about it and felt guilty. Like he would ask what a young beautiful woman was doing with him. Or how I need to be with a younger man. In the first year, we broke up a lot for like a few days,lol. But I remember when we broke up one time, I went on a date the next day and when he found out, he got super mad and jealous. And said how I got over him in a day but my ex before it took 2 years. I think we both didn't expect to fall in love which complicated things because he knew I deserved more, but then he was in love and the relationship was so good. And while I loved him, I realized there was really no future. He did bring marriage but I think it was in a fantastical sense because later he was like "I don't want you to be a young widow"

 

And he is selfish because he has no problem rubbing his relationship in my face. But if I mentioned another man/rebound, he gets mad. He even insinuated I was a whore. I told him how I had a rebound and he said, "So, how many guys have you had sex with now?" And I said, "Why you asking?" And he said, "Because I wanna know if you are a whore now."

 

Regardless, I am done now. We just can't be friends. As for the tattoo, it's of his name but in her handwritting style. So, it's not her name. Which is so immature for his age.

 

As for you ex-girlfriend, it's probably for the best. She deserves better and can do better. It's not fair to waste her youth and while it hurts, it's a lesson learned. Please stick to women your own age. It may not be the same, but there are lots of beautiful, engaging older women out there.

 

I can't say I regret my ex but I WISH with all my heart it ended sooner. And I wish I gave chance to more men that pursued me. And yes, I am dating now. I actually have 2 dates this week, maybe 3,lol. They are nice men, so far, but I don't have expectations, just keeping an open mind.

[BlueIvy]

Age and maturity don't necessarily go hand in hand. I've known very sensible young people and immature old people.

 

Generally speaking, it's a fools errand to try and figure out why a person does what they do. Half they time they probably don't even know why either! All you can do is manage your own reactions to them. In this case, block him and move on.

I guess for me it's funny how in his words he loved me so much he had to let me go, to find better. But then I am moving on aka returned his house key, declining his kisses, not calling YET he tries to REEL ME in by popping up at my job,etc. It's just ****ed up. I did block him the same day. I just hopes he doesn't pop up at my job anymore. I think him playing games hurts me more than the break up because it's like he is trying to hurt me intentionally.

[JuneL]

Are you dating guys in your age range now? And is his current girlfriend closer to his age?

 

If you don't mind me asking: How did you fall in love with a man who could be quite a bit older than your father? I mean, you were in vastly different life stages. Did he shower you with lots of materialistic stuff to impress you? Was he very attentive to you unlike boys of your own age back then? How was your relationship like with your father growing up?

[BlueIvy]

Are you dating guys in your age range now? And is his current girlfriend closer to his age?

 

If you don't mind me asking: How did you fall in love with a man who could be quite a bit older than your father? I mean, you were in vastly different life stages. Did he shower you with lots of materialistic stuff to impress you? Was he very attentive to you unlike boys of your own age back then? How was your relationship like with your father growing up?

Yes, they are closer to my age. One is my age and the other one is 3 years older. Yes, his girlfriend is his age.

One in the bunch is 11 years older and wants marriage. Just like my ex, he is enamored with my looks :/

 

I don't have daddy issues. I grew up with my father, who was an amazing dad. He was conservative though. But he always wanted the best for us and tried to instill good morals and values. He believed in hard work, education and being a good person.

 

I always dated older men, when I was 17 I gave my number to a 27 year old,lol. We hung out once and i pretty much forgot about it. I never have gone this old though. I ask myself why him. I always felt there was something between us but I brushed it off because i figured at his age, he was married. But then he gave me hints and finally exchanged digits.

 

He was really good to me. Like, after a few months of dating, for my birthday he took me to an expensive French restaurant and spent like $400 for dinner. He also took me on a few trips out of state, where he paid for everything. When I travelled, he would give me some money for my trip. He also was my rock and listened when I complained, and wouldn't tell me about his problems. One time, we were out with his friends. I was wearing heels and my feet hurt, he took off his shoes and gave it to me to wear and he walked barefoot. If i was ****ing up, he would try to steer me in right direction or give me solid advice. When we had sex, it was making love and he always wanted to please me. Very affectionate and loving. He just made me feel very loved.

 

I think why I like older men is because they usually already have a career, more mature and respectful, and not as sex obsessed. Also, since i am younger, they spoil me more.

[JuneL]

Thanks for the candid answer. In my current mind, my boyfriend who is in his mid 40s is the sexist man alive (I'm late 30s). However, when I was a 20-year-old girl, I would be totally turned off by a 45-year-old man. At that age, even some guy in his 30s was pretty old in my standard It's like, I can't imagine myself being with an elderly man in his 60s now!

 

 

Yes, they are closer to my age. One is my age and the other one is 3 years older. Yes, his girlfriend is his age.

One in the bunch is 11 years older and wants marriage. Just like my ex, he is enamored with my looks :/

 

I don't have daddy issues. I grew up with my father, who was an amazing dad. He was conservative though. But he always wanted the best for us and tried to instill good morals and values. He believed in hard work, education and being a good person.

 

I always dated older men, when I was 17 I gave my number to a 27 year old,lol. We hung out once and i pretty much forgot about it. I never have gone this old though. I ask myself why him. I always felt there was something between us but I brushed it off because i figured at his age, he was married. But then he gave me hints and finally exchanged digits.

 

He was really good to me. Like, after a few months of dating, for my birthday he took me to an expensive French restaurant and spent like $400 for dinner. He also took me on a few trips out of state, where he paid for everything. When I travelled, he would give me some money for my trip. He also was my rock and listened when I complained, and wouldn't tell me about his problems. One time, we were out with his friends. I was wearing heels and my feet hurt, he took off his shoes and gave it to me to wear and he walked barefoot. If i was ****ing up, he would try to steer me in right direction or give me solid advice. When we had sex, it was making love and he always wanted to please me. Very affectionate and loving. He just made me feel very loved.

 

I think why I like older men is because they usually already have a career, more mature and respectful, and not as sex obsessed. Also, since i am younger, they spoil me more.

[BlueIvy]

Thanks for the candid answer. In my current mind, my boyfriend who is in his mid 40s is the sexist man alive (I'm late 30s). However, when I was a 20-year-old girl, I would be totally turned off by a 45-year-old man. At that age, even some guy in his 30s was pretty old in my standard It's like, I can't imagine myself being with an elderly man in his 60s now!

No problemo. Knowing what I know now, I would not have dated my ex. When I got with him, I was naive and was just going with the flow. He was the one who fell for me pretty quick. I am older now and I don't believe in going with the flow, at this point i am dating for possibility of marriage. And i understand why these relationships don't work. But hey, at least I know know. Never will do it again unless he's rich and it's a business relationship:D

[jackofmany]

As for you ex-girlfriend, it's probably for the best. She deserves better and can do better. It's not fair to waste her youth and while it hurts, it's a lesson learned. Please stick to women your own age. It may not be the same, but there are lots of beautiful, engaging older women out there.

 

.

 

Oh, just to note it briefly. I get that. The only thing I would offer in my defense is that I more or less categorically ruled her out when I first met her, because she was too young.

 

I never so much as flirted with her. No one in my life to whom I was that attracted has ever come onto me stronger, over a longer period of time, than this woman did. She more or less admitted it was her plan to make it impossible for me not to end up with her.

 

I'm not looking to date young women like that. It happened. But its not my style. I am human though, and was single, and she was closer to thirty than twenty. And yes, there are many, many engaging and beautiful older women out there. It isn't the same, but in my experience it's better dating closer to your age, for too many reasons to list.

 

But this thread isn't about that, so forgive the diversion.

 

The picture you are painting of this guy is really unattractive and you would deserve better no matter what your age. I hope you keep getting stronger and don't let someone who talks to you the way he does have any place in your life.

Edited October 11, 2017 by jackofmany

[BlueIvy]

Oh, just to note it briefly. I get that. The only thing I would offer in my defense is that I more or less categorically ruled her out when I first met her, because she was too young.

 

I never so much as flirted with her. No one in my life to whom I was that attracted has ever come onto me stronger, over a longer period of time, than this woman did. She more or less admitted it was her plan to make it impossible for me not to end up with her.

 

I'm not looking to date young women like that. It happened. But its not my style. I am human though, and was single, and she was closer to thirty than twenty. And yes, there are many, many engaging and beautiful older women out there. It isn't the same, but in my experience it's better dating closer to your age, for too many reasons to list.

 

But this thread isn't about that, so forgive the diversion.

 

The picture you are painting of this guy is really unattractive and you would deserve better no matter what your age. I hope you keep getting stronger and don't let someone who talks to you the way he does have any place in your life.

 

It may not be the same but life goes on. I am sure you will find right person for you. It's fine because I am seeing the other side.

 

As for my ex, yes, he is a hypocritical dick,lol. Since blocking him and not seeing him, I am feeling way better. I have been talking to other men and have my 3rd date with this guy later today. It's nice to be with someone my age who I can go to the bar with or dance with, and not worry people are judging us because of age difference.