Inlovenotinlove Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 Long story short I've never posted on things like this so hopefully someone can give some advice. Me and my girlfriend have been amazing for some time. Then in all honesty we hit a rough patch 2 months ago where we actually broke up. We decided after 2 weeks apart to give it another go and it's been amazing again (well for me anyway). The thing is I feel she's holding back as says she doesn't want to get hurt again as hates arguing. She's said to me 2 days ago that she's off with me because she loves me but she isn't in love with me and she says it's because of how hurt she was over the arguments 2 months back. She can't seem to get over them. Now there's so much friction because of the arguing. Ñeit of us cheated it was just silly arguments that got out of hand. Anyway... I asked if she wants to see other people/ break up? She said no, its the last thing she wants but she's worried the feelings won't come back and its driving her mad. Now she's not the type to play about or test the waters elsewhere before people jump on that scenario. Now the past 2 days since we've spoken about this she's been lovey, affectionate, we still sleep together and last night she was even upset when I said I couldn't stay over at hers so I ended up staying. I just don't want to get hurt as I love her deeply but I'm worried everyday now that she won't get these feelings back. I'm not really acting myself as I'm holding myself back from texting or speaking to her too much in the hopes she'll miss me. I'm kind of lost on what's best to do. I'm 31 she's 28 if that makes a difference.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 What happened two months ago that caused the break-up?
Author Inlovenotinlove Posted October 9, 2017 Author Posted October 9, 2017 What happened two months ago that caused the break-up? It was just silly arguments. We trialed living together and it didn't go as we'd hoped because soon after I lost my job so it became an extra strain on us. I took it out on her as id always be in a mood or complaining that i couldnt get a job so we kept arguing over silly things. I didn't feel good having no money and although she kept offering to take us out etc I guess I was just sulky about it all
PegNosePete Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 She has found someone else. That phrase "love you but not in love with you" is literally on page 1 of the cheaters handbook. PAGE 1! 99% of the time when that phrase is used there is someone else. Every person here who says their partner used that phrase, thinks they are the exception, that they are the 1%, that their gf would never do that, as you probably do too. But 99 of them are wrong. 1
Author Inlovenotinlove Posted October 9, 2017 Author Posted October 9, 2017 She has found someone else. That phrase "love you but not in love with you" is literally on page 1 of the cheaters handbook. PAGE 1! 99% of the time when that phrase is used there is someone else. Every person here who says their partner used that phrase, thinks they are the exception, that they are the 1%, that their gf would never do that, as you probably do too. But 99 of them are wrong. Sorry but that is a very insecure way to look at something. I've already said she isn't the type to be like that and there are 0 signs that she's up to no good. I can go to her house whenever and she's there, I can call her whenever and she answers. Her phone never goes off when I'm there and last night she sat on her phone in front of me going through her social media while asking me to lay on her chest... surely a cheater wouldn't want to slip up and have you see something on their phone
Author Inlovenotinlove Posted October 9, 2017 Author Posted October 9, 2017 Just to add onto this before these 'cheat' comments come. Last night she also invited me to her birthday meal with her best mate and her best mates boyfriend. Sorry to be positive but surely if this was about sex or cheating shed not be wanting to double date with me on her actual birthday.
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) It was just silly arguments. I took it out on her as id always be in a mood or complaining that i couldnt get a job. I didn't feel good having no money and although she kept offering to take us out etc I guess I was just sulky about it all Yeah, that would be pretty upsetting for me too. That doesn't sound like silly arguments. It sounds like you had a period of great stress and she saw how you reacted to the stress - selfishly, immaturely, and very negatively. You resisted her attempts to help you during this difficult time and took your stress out on her in return. That would definitely make me think twice about staying with you long term. As they say, you don't really know someone until you have seen them at their worst - sick, under stress, grieving, etc... If this is what she can expect from you in the future... Well, it's not good. No doubt, losing your job is stressful and I hope you find another job soon. Just something to think about - has your reaction to the job loss made her wonder about you? Perhaps, she is hoping to be with someone who can handle stress better... Someone she can depend on during the difficult times. Someone who treats her with kindness and doesn't get into "silly little arguments" because they know that "this too shall pass..." Edited October 9, 2017 by BaileyB 3
Author Inlovenotinlove Posted October 9, 2017 Author Posted October 9, 2017 Yeah, that would be pretty upsetting for me too. That doesn't sound like silly arguments. It sounds like you had a period of great stress and she saw how you reacted to the stress - selfishly, immaturely, and very negatively. You resisted her attempts to help you during this difficult time and took your stress out on her in return. That would definitely make me think twice about staying with you long term. As they say, you don't really know someone until you have seen them at their worst - sick, under stress, grieving, etc... If this is what she can expect from you in the future... Well, it's not good. Perhaps, she is hoping to be with someone who can handle stress better... Someone she can depend on during the difficult times. Someone who treats her with kindness and doesn't get into "silly little arguments" because "this too shall pass..." I wholeheartedly agree with you. I wish I had conducted myself better. I've never been out of work and she didn't have to give us a second chance. But she did. I'm just hoping it's not too little too late. I have a stable job Now, a great income again but i do think she's worried deep down that I'm not right for her now as didn't handle a difficult stage together well which in truth could happen again somewhere down the line. I just don't know now what to do for the best.
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 I wholeheartedly agree with you. I wish I had conducted myself better. I've never been out of work and she didn't have to give us a second chance. But she did. I'm just hoping it's not too little too late. I have a stable job Now, a great income again but i do think she's worried deep down that I'm not right for her now as didn't handle a difficult stage together well which in truth could happen again somewhere down the line. I just don't know now what to do for the best. Perhaps, an apology is in order? Take her out for dinner and tell her that you have learned from the experience. You have in fact, developed some emotional maturity. Tell her that it was the first time you had experienced is kind of stress and you are sorry for how you treated her during this time. Nothing is ever so bad that it can not be forgiven. It is expected that you will have a difficult time when you lose your job. She was trying to support you, and you used her as your emotional punching bag. It will take time for her to trust you again. Taking responsibility for your behavior and showing her that you have grown from the experience is a good first start...
Miss Spider Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) It means the thrill is gone away. The thrill is gone, baby. Sometimes, things get so badly damaged they can't be fixed. She can choose to forgive you but she can't completely choose how she feels. She's lost that loving feeling. And that's hard to get back Edited October 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough 3
smackie9 Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 What I see is a very disappointed GF. She can't trust you to be able to handle a life crisis like a responsible person...be a man, act like an adult and get a handle on the situation. You handled yourself in your stressful situation like a psychopath. How she saw you before you move in together is now deflated/gone. You need to man up, and grow up. Take full accountability for your actions, and rebuild that trust. I feel if you show her your sensitive side, own up to your mistakes (if you did, you do it again), and give her some space. You both need time to reflect on what had happened on your own, then come back together and have a conversation about it. Then you both will be ready to move forward with a new perspective. 1
coolheadal Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 Long story short I've never posted on things like this so hopefully someone can give some advice. Me and my girlfriend have been amazing for some time. Then in all honesty we hit a rough patch 2 months ago where we actually broke up. We decided after 2 weeks apart to give it another go and it's been amazing again (well for me anyway). The thing is I feel she's holding back as says she doesn't want to get hurt again as hates arguing. She's said to me 2 days ago that she's off with me because she loves me but she isn't in love with me and she says it's because of how hurt she was over the arguments 2 months back. She can't seem to get over them. Now there's so much friction because of the arguing. Ñeit of us cheated it was just silly arguments that got out of hand. Anyway... I asked if she wants to see other people/ break up? She said no, its the last thing she wants but she's worried the feelings won't come back and its driving her mad. Now she's not the type to play about or test the waters elsewhere before people jump on that scenario. Now the past 2 days since we've spoken about this she's been lovey, affectionate, we still sleep together and last night she was even upset when I said I couldn't stay over at hers so I ended up staying. I just don't want to get hurt as I love her deeply but I'm worried everyday now that she won't get these feelings back. I'm not really acting myself as I'm holding myself back from texting or speaking to her too much in the hopes she'll miss me. I'm kind of lost on what's best to do. I'm 31 she's 28 if that makes a difference. First thing stop arguing with her just way too much negative energy with you not healthy! When you argue like that the love she has for you is tearing up. Now she only love you (like she loves everyone) "but she not in love with you. That mean there is no I love you back. If you don't have that with her then you are up the creek. You can live with her, just have to see why you are fighting if you wants to argue walk out of the room or just hop in your vehicle or just take a walk. Go get her flowers give her something else to think about. The age difference doesn't matter. I can't understand why it seems to be issue. People make it so no issue if you love each other. Get that love back. I don't think she seeing anyone else, because what you said so far. But you got stop feeding the fire (argument) love is the (water) to put out the fire!
PegNosePete Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 Every person here who says their partner used that phrase, thinks they are the exception, that they are the 1%, that their gf would never do that, as you probably do too. I've already said she isn't the type to be like that Right on cue. That's what they all say. It's not insecure to think you're being cheated on. It's realistic experience, having seen the same signals over and over on these forums. 99% there is another guy involved. You think you're the 1%, as they all do, but you're probably not.
GemmaUK Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 It was just silly arguments. We trialed living together and it didn't go as we'd hoped because soon after I lost my job so it became an extra strain on us. I took it out on her as id always be in a mood or complaining that i couldnt get a job so we kept arguing over silly things. I didn't feel good having no money and although she kept offering to take us out etc I guess I was just sulky about it all That's not silly arguments, that's the daily serious stuff that you couldn't handle and took out on her. She may care about you but this doesn't bode well for a long term partner where things like this only tend to get worse. I think she is putting the ground work down for ending this whilst still a little conflicted (I say a little and mean only a little as she is telling you this so she has already thought about it a lot) but I don't blame her at all.
Author Inlovenotinlove Posted October 10, 2017 Author Posted October 10, 2017 I've got to be honest it wasn't all me that caused the arguments. 1 of which was she comments on a post from a year ago as they pop up on Facebook.. . It was her exes parents dog. She commented 'miss him' then her exes parents and exes sister liked the comment. Now to me isn't that just hugely innoproriate for your new boyfriend to be seeing on Facebook ?
basil67 Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I've got to be honest it wasn't all me that caused the arguments. 1 of which was she comments on a post from a year ago as they pop up on Facebook.. . It was her exes parents dog. She commented 'miss him' then her exes parents and exes sister liked the comment. Now to me isn't that just hugely innoproriate for your new boyfriend to be seeing on Facebook ? Oh dear. Sorry, this is you making a mounting out of a molehill. If she'd commented that she missed their son, well that would be an issue. But there's nothing inappropriate about missing a pet. I told my ex husband that I loved him but was not in love with him. Contrary to the standard of "she's cheating", what it meant was "I care for you, but no longer in a romantic sense" 1
GemmaUK Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I've got to be honest it wasn't all me that caused the arguments. 1 of which was she comments on a post from a year ago as they pop up on Facebook.. . It was her exes parents dog. She commented 'miss him' then her exes parents and exes sister liked the comment. Now to me isn't that just hugely innoproriate for your new boyfriend to be seeing on Facebook ? Er, it's a dog. She wasn't saying 'miss him' about her ex, just his dog. It's not inappropriate. Please don't tell me this caused you to have it out with her over - that's ridiculous!
mortensorchid Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you"... Wow, that's original. And I am also sorry that this is happening to you. And, I am also sorry to tell you that this is the beginning of the end. Someone who says something like this will have a million and one reasons / excuses as to how/why they WON'T do something, as they will have a million and one reasons / excuses why they WILL end things eventually. You better keep your options open.
coolheadal Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you"... Wow, that's original. And I am also sorry that this is happening to you. And, I am also sorry to tell you that this is the beginning of the end. Someone who says something like this will have a million and one reasons / excuses as to how/why they WON'T do something, as they will have a million and one reasons / excuses why they WILL end things eventually. You better keep your options open. But she said love you (this is what you would say to your friends) I love you is more directed towards the person your with. She doesn't love him excuse because they argue too much. Can't force her to say I love you where she not feeling it ever again, well she could feel it but that's on her?
Poutrew Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 I've got to be honest it wasn't all me that caused the arguments. 1 of which was she comments on a post from a year ago as they pop up on Facebook.. . It was her exes parents dog. She commented 'miss him' then her exes parents and exes sister liked the comment. Now to me isn't that just hugely innoproriate for your new boyfriend to be seeing on Facebook ? So the exes parent's doggy went to the kennel in the sky over a year ago, and she misses him so much that she texts the exes family that she still misses him after all this time? Ummm... I know you think she is beyond reproach, but is there any way you could have misread the sentence such that she was referring to the parent's son, and not the dog? It makes a lot more sense, bro. She is falling out of love with you, and someone has to be there to fill the void, and now she is thinking of all the good times she and her ex had... and texts him. The dog would be just an excuse. Now, if she said she misses him and the dog is actually female, then you would have your answer easy breezy...Seriously, I think I smell a dumping event in your near future, and I think the dog, er, the ex, has something to do with it...
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