karatekid Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 I posted this on another forum and would like some additional thoughts. Women (I'll never understand them)especially! I'll try to make a long story short. I started seeing this girl early Oct. of last year. We hit it off instantly and fell for one another. After about 5 months we began to have a lot of ups and downs. We broke up; I wanted to work it out but it didn't happen. It was painful and contact broke off. About a month and a 1/2 after breaking up I'm feeling better and moving on.I began talking to other women etc.Then out of the blue she resurfaces. We begin talking and hanging out w/ one another again. I was reluctant @ 1st because she's a heart breaker but I was happy she was back in my life. Since she came back into my life we've been in a "grey" area. Were not bf/gf but doing all the bf/gf things. Stay @ one another's house, go out together, sleep together etc. It's been stormy @ times and amazing other times. During this period we both claimed to see no one else. Recently we started becoming closer than ever, through disclosures and a few very emotional moments. We were getting along well and talked about the possibility of living together. Then she tells me she loves me for the 1st time!! Sound exciting, huh? A week after she says this................nothing.-she says very little and doesn't want to see me. The few things I could get out of her were "It's nothing you did...""I don't know what I want".etc. Then she cuts off all contact......for what?This is 3-4 weeks ago now. I've tried to contact her a few times but didn't hear anything back. I have to be strong and not call but I imagine I'll break down eventually.How can someone go from hot to cold in an instant?This could be a cycle with her the 2nd time around lasted about as long as the 1st. I know there is a connection between her and I. I was always there for her and treated her well. We were getting serious again; maybe she got scared?Is it fear of commitment? She has got some personal issues and maybe overwhelmed? Maybe she found someone else and can't face me?How can someone one who holds your heart turn on you and disappear w/ hardly a word?I do love her and would like to see us talk @ some point. I'm not down on myself about this I know I was good to her. I'm not going to wait for her or call her every second. I feel defeated by this right now. Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation?What was the outcome? Has anyone ever done this to anyone?Why? Comments/advice?-thanks
lostinmymind Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Yeah, women can be very confusing. She is probably young? She doesn't know what she wants. She isn't looking for what you have to offer apparently. She has her own issues to work out I'm guessing. Women are only hard to understand because we don't understand their motivations. They rely very heavily on their feelings so they will make a big decision based on their feelings very often. You said she is a heartbreaker, I'd say move on from her. She hasn't changed, she is just going to break your heart. She love you, but she is not in a position to commit. Let her go out and have some experiences so she can mature more. Maybe she will resurface in the future again? From what I observe on LS guys seem to mature on their own, they are what they are, it seems like experiences don't mold them or mature them as much. Girls are the opposite, they learn through experience and they change as people a lot through their teens and twenties. They also don't seem to change while in a relationship, mostly when they are out of them. My final advice: Move on, find someone else. If you pursue her you are going to get hurt! Your feelings are normal, you want what you can't have. There could be a million reasons why she did this, but the important thing is that no matter what the reason it is something she needs to face herself and not with you. (I know it sucks to hear that...I'm trying to accept it myself for my situation). It seems like you aren't too attached, you should keep it that way when it comes to her. Good luck with everything.
Author karatekid Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 Thanks for the input-I wouldn't agree that I'm not attached, I guess I didn't express it to well. Both times we were together it was high drama but I always stuck by her. I was there for her even at times I should not have been. I was taken for granted. I would do anything for her. I treated her like gold.I'm trying to harden my heart in case she comes around again-which wouldn't surprise me. I never thought she would have came back a 2nd time when she did. It was strange I had written her off and was "over it".Its like she sensed it and came back . I tried to stay unattached but fell for her again. I'm weak when it comes to her so I'll need luck. Your right she is young and has a lot of issues. Why can't she tell me what's going on? Not knowing is the worst. Silence being the sound of goodbye. I will TRY to distant myself but my heart still wants her. When this 1st happened I called a lot but haven't in the last few weeks. I'm afraid I'll break down and do it. There could be a million reasons why she did this, but the important thing is that no matter what the reason it is something she needs to face herself and not with you. Your right it sucks to hear that(damn you!!). I may never see or talk to her again....that is hard to take.It's the "why?" that bugs me most. I just did not see this coming.POOF and gone.WTF
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 When people leave and come back - they don't come back to the parts of the relationship that caused them to want 'out' in the first place. They come back to experience the parts of the relationship that they enjoyed and missed. Unfortunately, it isn't easy to isolate the 'good' from the 'bad' and when the person realizes that - they find they are no more able to deal with the parts they didn't like than they were before, so they leave again. As long as she continues to feel the way she does about the 'bad' parts, you will be stuck in an endless cycle of coming and going for as long as you let her. It is unfortunate that she can't just come out and tell you the truth about those things she doesn't like in the relationship so that you can work past them. Unfortunately, though - that truth can be crushingly painful for someone to hear and equally uncomfortable to dish out as well. I expect she would rather chew off her own arm than to share with you the real reasons she leaves. So, until she is ready to be forthcoming about this, so the two of you can work it out - then you have little to look forward to except more of the same. How to break the cycle? Tell her that your heart simply cannot handle this, and that you need some time to yourself and space from her to get your heart back together. Then go to 'no contact'. If she has no access to the 'good' things she misses, perhaps she will rethink her 'cycle' strategy and either move on or be more willing to work through those things with you so that she can have access to them. Meanwhile, the 'no contact' will be your time to get your head straight so that you will be better able to be firm about what it is you want and need from this relationship - and strong enough to reject what you do not need regardless of how you feel about it.
JS17 Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 I didn't read all of the other posts but I had a similar experience in that my bf at the time told me he loved me then a week later checked out emotionally. He continued to tell me to trust his feelings for me while telling me how awful I was at the same time. He strung me along for a few more months then dropped me for another woman. It's not a gender thing. Drop her and move on.
Author karatekid Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 Its easy for people to say "forget her and move on". I know I've given the same advice. I could be in a cycle with her.I wish she would tell me the REAL reason she left even if it something I don't want to hear or something that can't be worked out. I would love to tell her "my heart can't handle this....." but SHE has gone to nc. I feel like I'm living life in the twilight zone. Maybe she is "rethinking" right now.Who knows?I don't what I'll do when and if she pops up. I can't forget this pain. She would have to earn my trust back. Again what bothers me most is the fact that nothing lead up to this. Everything was fine. To good to be true I guess.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Again what bothers me most is the fact that nothing lead up to this. Everything was fine. I expect there is a lot going on with her that led up to this, and she simply failed to tell you about it and allowed it to end her emotional attachment to you. Hopefully you will be able to find out what this is, but if she has you on 'NC' the best you can do is just ride it out and assume that the relationship is over so that you can begin your own healing process.
nyr_fan Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Stick to the NO CONTACT. PERIOD. It hurts like hell, but it's the only way to go. Iv'e been doing it myself, and she never calls. So what does that tell me? She don't give a s***. That's how you find out how she really feels.
Author karatekid Posted August 18, 2005 Author Posted August 18, 2005 There is good advice and I haven't called but I want to.(sigh)I'll just have to ride it out..........how could it get any worse?I've been going out with a few women here and there. It makes me miss her even more.I'm feeling "numb" about the whole thing right now. It just eats away at me...........plus what would I say to her if she would talk to me. I guess she has a lot of issues and doesn't want me around.
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