Crap, did I scare him off?

[tomoyo]

I've been dating this guy since beginning of august, and last weekend we had "the talk" and decided to become official. Last Wednesday he was over and we were talking about our holiday plans (Canadian thanksgiving was this weekend) and when he mentioned he didn't have plans yet I said "Well if you don't end up having anything to do for it you are welcome to come to my family dinner" he said he still wasn't sure what his extended family that lived in town were doing so we left it there and talked about something else. In the morning as he was leaving I was talking about our plans for the week, and as he left I said "Oh and just let me know if you end up wanting to come on Sunday or not".

 

We didn't talk about it after that, and Friday night went out bowling with my (best intentioned I'm sure) friend and her husband. She started being a bit embarrassing and asking him questions about our relationship and how we started dating, ect. I was really embarrassed and left for the washroom. While I was gone she was asking him about thanksgiving, and when he mentioned to her that I had invited him if he didn't have other plans, she started to push him a bit about going, and proceeded to tell him how she could tell how much I liked him, ect. Then she caught me on my way back from the bathroom and filled me in on this, so embarrassing. But she did suggest to me that he seemed interested, but intimidated by meeting my family. She also thought that it seemed that because I asked him so off handedly he didn't seem to get the feeling that it mattered to me or not if he came, as he specifically mentioned to her "Well she only asked me to come if I didn't have other plans". We went back to the table and finished the night off not talking about it.

 

Saturday came and went without him mentioning dinner, so Sunday I still had not received a yes or a no from him. My friend suggested that maybe he was going to wait and see if I asked again for him to say anything about it. So I very stupidly took her advice and asked yet again this morning, as off handed as I could. I sent him a quick text saying "Hey so I wasn't sure what your plans ended up being for tonight, but if you did want to come with me to dinner I would be happy to have you there. No pressure I just thought I would check what your plans were". I waited what felt like a million years and he finally just said "Sorry I don't think I'm ready to meet the family quite yet". Then I didn't really hear much from him the rest of the day.

 

I felt like such an idiot, but I played it off as cool as I could and said "Oh no worries at all I totally get that" and quickly changed the subject. Now I'm so embarrassed and worried that I pushed the matter too much, especially with my friend having grilled him a bit behind my back. Should I be concerned? I know we haven't been dating very long, so I'm worried that he is going to feel like I am pushing for too much too soon, especially since I was the one to initiate the exclusivity talk.

 

I also felt a bit awkward when we were out, he plays in a band in his spare time, and the day after his last show he mentioned he entered a battle of the bands coming up in two weeks. He offhanded said "Now that you know we don't suck after seeing us last night you won't have to worry about inviting your friends to see us play". So I had invited my friend and her husband since he said that, I hadn't mentioned it too him since I thought it was no big deal, but they brought up me putting the invite to them while we were all out. This shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm worried that between me jumping to invite friends to his concert and pushing the thanks giving thing all at the same time is going to think I want to move too fast.

 

In my own defense, last month he had asked me to attend a wedding with him that was two weeks away in a city I would have to fly to, and his siblings would be at. I didn't end up going because I thought the flight cost was too high to justify for a brand new relationship. But I would think if he wanted me to do that he wouldn't have been put off by attending my family dinner.

[PegNosePete]

I don't get the "scared him off" mentality. Men are not rabbits, startled in the headlights you know! They are living breathing thinking individuals. You made an invitation and he communicated his feelings. If he is now going to call off the relationship simply because you made an offer to him, then what does that say about HIM??? Goodness, would you really want to date someone who stops seeing you just because you invited him to dinner with your family? You shouldn't walk on eggshells. Just be yourself. If he gets "scared off" then he's not the right one for you.

 

It does seem a bit strange that he invited you to meet his family yet he doesn't want to meet yours. But I guess that's easier for him, being with his own family rather than a room full of strangers.

[GemmaUK]

Well, you didn't do anything wrong but he sounds like he's not a great communicator.

 

He'd already invited you to meet some of his folks so your ask to me seems like no big deal at all.

 

If he was nervous he could have told you sooner, instead he didn't communicate anything to you, not even that he felt the invite wasn't perhaps how he wanted it.

 

Is he usually kinda hard work to get a response from?

[KBob]

It's flakey of him to leave you hanging until the very last day and then tell you he's not coming. He should have been a little more respectful of your feelings and just been honest about not being ready. And it turned out that you were fine with him not being ready. I wouldn't be embarrassed, and I think you'd be in the right to tell him you'd appreciate it if he didn't leave his response until the last minute, but also reinforce that he's allowed to have his own feelings and it would have been ok for him to express them to you with being worried about your response.

[fred123]

But if im into you id be thrilled to be invited. Also you are now official so how does it make sense that you are bf and gf yet he isnt ready to come for dinner.? Then dont say yes to being official right?!

[smackie9]

He kinda left it last min because he knew how much it would mean to you, so he wavered a bit. No big deal. You need to stop "assuming" things. That will only get this relaitonship into unnecessary trouble. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Relax, it's too early for seriousness. Just carry on as the way things were. Just keep going out on your dates like always.

[Mike B.]

I don't see any reason for him to be scared. This is normal relationship/dating stuff. However, I do wonder if he doesn't feel right meeting your family since you didn't go to the wedding with him. Just a thought.