Author Depressed24 Posted October 9, 2017 Author Posted October 9, 2017 did she tell you before starting to date that she was planning to wait? Well everytime she gets angry regarding this discussion, out of spite she says you should sleep around with others. But I know that is not the solution, and it'll eventually take us apart.
Author Depressed24 Posted October 9, 2017 Author Posted October 9, 2017 If you are this miserable then she clearly isn't "the one". To be honest, I really don't believe in "the one". I think its Hollywood nonsense. But for the sake of argument.. she is not "the one". Any relationship where both people are not on the same page will DIE. Slow or fast is up do you, but it will be a road to hell either way. You should cut your losses. Tell her you are not on the same page and find someone who is. I doubt you will follow this advice, but I'm putting in out there away. Good luck. Hmm, it is a tough one to swallow. But I will think about it.
coolheadal Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 Well everytime she gets angry regarding this discussion, out of spite she says you should sleep around with others. But I know that is not the solution, and it'll eventually take us apart. She's a pure virgin, I take it your not? I wouldn't sleep around, you best not go there with her like she is. Just asking for trouble. Don't lie about it either. If she means so much as you have describe here then do the right thing and wait.
Logo Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 Is misleading or not telling you the entire truth from the start part of her religious belief system? What I find interesting is that she didn't tell you that she won't have sex before marriage and yet expects you to have your financial affairs in order before she marries you. That's a double standard. How is she doing financially? Does she think she's better than you? Again, speaking of no sex before marriage for religious reasons, her moral compass is questionable; she didn't tell you when you started dating that she will be waiting to get married before she has sex with you. 1
LovelyRose Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 No she did not, and every now and then she expresses how she is tempted to have it. But if asked seriously, she doesn't want to have it claiming she isn't ready until I'm financially settled. First of all, how old are you two? So which is it exactly? What you wrote above, "she isn't ready until I'm financially settled," does not sound she wants to wait until after marriage. So basically she probably don't want to risk having a baby and starting a family this soon since you and maybe both of you are not financially settled. Yes there are different types of birth control but there's always that 1% you could get pregnant. In her mind probably only 100% sure is to not have sex vaginally. Isn't 3rd base oral sex? So sex is sex. She just didn't want intercourse. Please don't get married just so you can go home run with her. Most especially if you are super young. You should marry because you love each other and she is the one. At least that's my opinion. If she explicitly said no sex until marriage for religious beliefs, she already broke it. I know someone who didn't have sex until marriage because she is devoted Christian. That means she and her boyfriend were not allowed to go on vacations together or any sleep over. All they did was kiss, not even second base. Figure out what you really want. If you're starting to cheat mentally then maybe it's time to reconsider this relationship. What matters to you the most? Call of the flesh or her? Picture yourself having sex anytime you want it but without her in your life. How would you feel? 1
anika99 Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 Personally, I think it's manipulative to wait until someone is significantly invested before sharing this information. All of the women I dated who planned on not having sex before marriage were upfront about it. This woman waited years before telling the OP this. How can it take years to find out you're not having sex? I think the OP knew he wasn't getting any sex a long time ago. If he didn't have a discussion with her about it for years that's his fault. He was well aware he wasn't getting sex from her, it's not like you can secretly withhold sex from someone. You're either having sex or you're not. He's the one who has hung around for years knowing full well that his girlfriend doesn't want to have sex. 2
morrowrd Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) I know it's a wonderful sounding thing to say, "I'm saving myself for marriage." And if it's a sincere conviction, you have to decide if you're going to wait that long, or not. When I was younger, 20's, my response to this post would be alot different than what it is now. I'd probably encourage you to wait, that if you love her, true love waits. That's still true. How many situations, a good for instance are people in the military who have girlfriends back home, waiting. Both are going to find themselves in temptations, and if they are in love, most of the time they'll breeze through and not make the mistake of betrayal. But that's not what your post is about. I feel having sex and living together are very important things to experience BEFORE you sign on the dotted line. Being compatible, sexual and otherwise, can only be determined if you spend enough intimate time together. Intimate time = a private life where you share space, learn to communicate inner feelings, sex roles in the household, mutual support - is the person you are marrying supportive? Or conditional? Sex lives...that's also on the list, and if you aren't compatible there, and to go further, what if she actually has a sexual hang-up, such as not liking sex period, or is afraid to have sex due to some deeper reason that you don't know about. And rather than communicate these problems now, she hides behind a "waiting for marriage" sign. If you're married, you're stuck with it. A sexless marriage. Being incompatible will also cause marriage partners to avoid sex, because it's unfulfilling. The answer is obvious, sex is a part of a romantic relationship, period. If it isn't, there is a problem looming that has the potential to unravel the relationship. It's only fair to allow each person who is willing to commit to one person in a legal binding agreement, for potentially a lifetime, to know what ALL the cards are. Are you willing to take that chance? Edited October 9, 2017 by morrowrd
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 How can it take years to find out you're not having sex? I think the OP knew he wasn't getting any sex a long time ago. If he didn't have a discussion with her about it for years that's his fault. He was well aware he wasn't getting sex from her, it's not like you can secretly withhold sex from someone. You're either having sex or you're not. He's the one who has hung around for years knowing full well that his girlfriend doesn't want to have sex. Exactly, but now he is fed up and wants her to change her beliefs to suit him. He went into this thinking he could change her mind, but as someone else said he was and is not really listening to her. Yes, it is no doubt hard for her to keep up this stance, but when she wavers he is right in there thinking she is going to capitulate but she doesn't and won't, as she is firm in her belief. Many "virgins" have done "everything" apart from PIV sex, but once that course is set, then PIV sex is off the menu and they will then wait till marriage. She also doesn't want to marry a man who is not set up financially and she will not waver there either. The OP needs to decide what he wants here. He needs to accept that if he wants this girl he has to accept the conditions she sets. If they are unacceptable to him, then he needs to walk. 1
coolheadal Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 You can't change a woman mind when it comes to having sex after marriage. That's the way she was raised by her parents. He needs to have money to take care her the baby and him. He needs to understand that, other wish push off then then push on to the next woman who will give him what he wants is sexual pleasures...
girlinNYC Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 If something like sex is making you depressed, then I don't feel you're ready for marriage as in the grand scheme of things sex isn't a big problem in comparison to some of the problems married couples can endure. If you love her as much as you do waiting shouldn't be a big deal, especially not big enough to be causing depressive episodes. 1
caveman621 Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 OP, are you a virgin? Have you had other partners? I won't try to answer the question, but I can give you my experience. I married a virgin who promised me "more sex than I can handle" once we were married. Yeah, that didn't happen and I stuck it out for 25 years before getting divorced. I'm now with a VERY sexual woman and SO MUCH happier. i won't disparage her choice to wait for marriage. That's her choice. But, IMHO, sexual compatibility is important in a long term relationship and if you two never had sex, there is no way to know.
caveman621 Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 OP, are you a virgin? Have you had other partners? I won't try to answer the question, but I can give you my experience. I married a virgin who promised me "more sex than I can handle" once we were married. Yeah, that didn't happen and I stuck it out for 25 years before getting divorced. I'm now with a VERY sexual woman and SO MUCH happier. i won't disparage her choice to wait for marriage. That's her choice. But, IMHO, sexual compatibility is important in a long term relationship and if you two never had sex, there is no way to know. Sex isn't the ONLY thing, but it IS a big part! 1
joseb Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) First of all, how old are you two? So which is it exactly? What you wrote above, "she isn't ready until I'm financially settled," does not sound she wants to wait until after marriage. Yeah I think the OP needs to answer these questions. Everyone seems to be assuming she is a virgin, and she is not having sex until married for religious reasons - I haven't seen OP say either of these things anywhere. She might be axesual, she might have had sex before but just not with OP. Edited October 9, 2017 by joseb
kendahke Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 Hey everyone. I've just made an account here and want to share my plight which has been worrying me for the past few months. So I've been dating this girl for more than 3 and a half years. She is my first and the only girlfriend I've had till date. And I love her to the core. And I really would want to spend the rest of my life with her. But the issue is we haven't had sex till date. We reached base 3 within 8 months of our relationship, which kind of gave me the expectation that we might have sex soon after. That "soon after" has almost been stretched to 3 years now. And it has reached the point where I'm getting really depressed about it. Some of you'll might be wondering if I love her so much, what's my problem with waiting. Before I was dating I was a typical naughty guy, I used to fantasize about sex with every girl I liked. I know that's no excuse for being desperate about it, but it pains me to not share that moment with someone I love so much. It has pushed me to the stage where I feel like thinking about other women sexually while being in this relationship. I'm really in a bad place right now and need some advice. Should I wait? If yes, then how? (P.S. - it might take me further 2-3 years to get financially settled to even think about marriage) I think it's an ill advised course to remain virgin because you have no way of knowing if either of you are capable of a. being sexually satisfied and b. sexually satisfying another person, but to each their own. Do you have the patience to wait 3+ years? Because staying with her will require a marriage licence and a monumental financial investment for a ceremony before you get anywhere near sexual intercourse with her and she or you could wind up being really bad in bed, but now you're legally tied to each other for the rest of your lives. Is that a risk you're willing to take with your future? I take it you're a virgin, too? I think you're going to have to decide which is more important: sexual intercourse with her or her because you can't make her change her mind to have sex with you. If you're even at the point where you're thinking of cheating on her with others, then you know that you don't have the patience to wait her out til you've got your finances in order to offer her what she wants in exchange for her sex.
LovelyRose Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 Yeah I think the OP needs to answer these questions. Everyone seems to be assuming she is a virgin, and she is not having sex until married for religious reasons - I haven't seen OP say either of these things anywhere. She might be axesual, she might have had sex before but just not with OP. Yeah OP is not answering these important questions. His title and posts don't match. She is his first gf and prior to her he used to be a "naughty boy" by having sexual fantasies with his crushes. He really sounds like someone in his late teens or early 20's. Like I said, they have gone third base. Sex is sex! If you want to remain "pure" until marriage you wouldn't go past first base. I've even heard stories that this pastor while dating his now wife, they would only give each other peck on the cheek. They wouldn't touch nor make out to avoid temptation. The OP and his gf may be both virgins. So it makes sense if she needs a lot of time to be ready. She's smart for holding this long because she wants to be financially settled first.
Miss Spider Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 I don't. Um. I think you would know better than a bunch of strangers whether or not it's worth it for you to wait. If, as your title states, your gf is not having sex until marriage there's nothing you can do but wait. And "how?" That would probably be the same way you've been doing the last 3 or so years. If your desire to be with your gf is not enough for you to wait any longer for sex and you need to walk, that's completely understandable to me. You have a major incompatiblility to say the least.
smackie9 Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 Gosh not one of these threads again. Are you guys at least doing oral on each other?? To wait 6 years to have sex with someone is ridiculous. If you love each other you should have been married by now...at least a year and a half ago. You as a married couple would be able to be more financially stable quicker than being single. What I see is a girl that is afraid of sex and she's making excuse after excuse to put it off as long as possible. Anyone who is excited to start a life with the love of their life, wouldn't waste a moment, for anything.I'm not buying her excuses, and I have a feeling you are feeling the same way. 3
rickwman Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 I understand your situation. Part of loving her is honoring her. Just remember that these are her values and morals and she is entitled to them. She should have your full support. Even though pre-marital sex with her is your desire, there can be downfalls associated with it; pregnancy, STD's, her going against her convictions which could jeopardize the relationship. If she is the one for you and I know you love her, truthfully, either wait it out and respect her decision or break up and go find someone else. You shouldn't pressure her into changing her mind or cheat. If you're feeling sexually frustrated, you need to find a way to get the stress out. Take up a hobby perhaps. Maybe join an adult sports team like softball or take some martial arts. I'll pray that you will find strength and patience during this time.
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