Giving him space after a big fight... how long do I wait??

[kaylfava]

My bf (31) and I (32) of 7 months had a pretty substantial fight on Mon/Tuesday. We both have been going through some really difficult times with our jobs - he was working 60-75 hour weeks and hated his job, put in his 2 weeks, and his last day was yesterday. So naturally he is stressed out about his next step. I work 2 jobs, an 8-5 M-F and then an additional 20 hours on the weekend. So I'm tired too!

 

Anyways... ugh on Tuesday I accused him (via text, yes I know...) of not being emotionally invested in me. Things never got angry but I got dramatic, and finally he asked me if I still wanted to see him or not. I informed him I wanted to be in a committed relationship, and if he was just interested in a f*** buddy then that's not what I want and we should move on. I honestly can't remember his reply, but it was definitely one of confusion. Trust me.. I know how stupid I am.

 

The sweetheart that he is, he picked up food and a growler of beer from our favorite restaurant and dropped it off at my house that night while I was out walking my dog, after he'd offered to cook me dinner and I told him I was tired and wanted to be alone.

 

Well I felt terrible, so I went over to his house that same night to talk. In our discussion I proceeded to tell him I thought he was mentally unstable and needed medical help. In my defense, in the 7 months I've known him he has told me he's had suicidal thoughts and was severely depressed over work and even at one point said he was considering checking himself into the hospital so I genuinely thought I was helping him by saying this. Again... I know how stupid I am.

 

Anyhow, he didn't say much then but Wednesday we started a text fight (I know, I know) where he said he was hurt and insulted that I thought he didn't care for me, and was also extremely pissed that I self-diagnosed him. I told him I was wrong, I regret what I said, and I was sorry.

 

Long story short he said he accepted my apology but our conversation was extremely strained. We had a few brief, curt text conversations Thursday. Friday was the first day he ignored a text from me in the 7 months we've been dating. Finally I called him after work while he was driving upstate to visit his family. He was in a foul mood because his last day at work was terrible, and during our conversation he finally blurted out "What do you want with us?" I told him I loved him and I wanted to work on a relationship with him. He didn't say anything in reply to that but instead said "I just can't figure out why you'd say you thought I needed medical help."

 

This went on for a little while longer until he said he needed to stop for water and return a phone call to his ex boss and he'd call me back. An hour passed, he never called, so I texted him and told him I was heading to bed, to have a great weekend with his family, and we can talk when he gets back.

 

He replied "I'm sorry. I just want to enjoy my newfound freedom with my family this weekend." I said "Of course you do I understand, can we reconnect when you get back in town?" He said "That's fine." The 'newfound freedom' bit scares me, even though I think it's in reference to him finally being done with his job... I hope.

 

This was yesterday and there has been radio silence. I plan on leaving him alone for several days. But... he's the type that I don't think will reach out. I believe I'll have to. So what do you guys think? Give him a few days? A week? Forever? This might all be for naught and he'll call me in a couple days but something tells me that's not the case. I can tell I really hurt him.

 

I know I screwed up ROYALLY.. reading my own post I'm going "Oh my god, I'm a nut case!!" I really can't believe I said and did all the things I did. It had been a rough week for me because it marked the anniversary of the suicide of my best friend, and I was just an emotional trainwreck. It's not an excuse but.. I'm not usually this person. In fact just a couple weeks ago my bf told me he'd been on the phone with his best friend and was telling him how I was the least dramatic person in his life at the moment. Not anymore!

 

I'm trying to hard to now go about this the best way possible. And yes, I know, if I call him in a few days and he ignores me, I'll take the hint and move on. Thank you!

Edited October 8, 2017 by kaylfava

[coolheadal]

No you were upset with him. He's not stable mentally who would quit work today like that. You and him need to space out and go your own ways. Do not contact him at all. You already said he's the type not go come crawling back to you in the way you said it. This relationship you both have shown me your not ready for each other mentally and physically also. You take him as i he is and your tired of doing that. He doesn't seem to care too much only about what he wants. His comments about a new life and etc. Yes that means not with you. If he meant with you he should have said it that way. My dear you need to move on take some time off from men and relax and bring your mind at ease. Don't jump into another relationship until you have clearly got this one out of your head. Otherwise rushing into another one would just cause issues for you. This guy he isn't for you and you know it. All these jobs hours you both do well this is how it is for everyone. Where I work there is no breaks, you are pushed hard. Tough to stay above your means if you want to make today. You don't need this guy in your life right now. He won't chase you because your doing it all. Stop chasing him...

[ExpatInItaly]

Just hold on a minute: you have every right to be concerned about a guy who has been expressing suicidal thoughts. That is not something to be taken lightly, particularly when it's been a recurrent thought pattern over the last 7 months. I would stop beating yourself up for being worried and suggesting he get help. He evidently needs it.

 

A lot of this would have to do with how you expressed it, though. If it came out sounding like an accusation, then yes, I understand why he is upset with you. He is correct that you cannot diagnose him. I also can see why he's angry that you're bringing it up now, in the midst of a fight, because it comes across as you leveraging that against him. But he also needs to understand he can't ponder suicidal thoughts and even debate checking himself into a hospital without eliciting some type of reaction from you. Of course you are worried; who wouldn't be? He needs to take a little ownership here, too.

 

I would interpret his "newfound freedom" comment to mean he wants to be single now, unfortunately. He is angry, and I understand where he is coming from, too. He feels on the defensive and probably like he can't please you. But perhaps he is correct - maybe he's really not in any position to be in a relationship right now.

 

At the end of the day, it takes two people to make a relationship work. You apologized and left the door open to talk again when he's back. I would leave him for a few days. See if he makes any attempt to contact you and clarify what he wants to do now.

[smackie9]

You should have told him firmly, "what was I supposed to think after all those times you talked of committing suicide, my experience with my friend committing suicide, and your erratic behavior, foul mood, your disconnect from me....of course I'm concerned for your mental well being. Sorry but I'm not going to let you cut me down like that when I care about what's going on with you...and the more you deny, the more I get concerned".

 

And about this "newfound freedom" if that's his way to passive/aggressively threaten you, then strike back with "I will not put up with your crappy behavior towards me, grow up". Then tell him to come talk to you when he is ready....do not reach out....you will only enable his behavior, and you are letting him get away with it...that means he will continue to repeat this behavior because it works on you. Stick to your gun, don't play into his manipulation.

[Miss Spider]

I think this rship was unfortunately already going down the drain. You said you felt like nothing more than a f buddy to him. He asked you if you wanted out then. Then you were concerned about him emotionally. He used this as an an out. I think he is doing a lot of twisting to make you feel guilty because if he wasn't already checked out of the relationship he wouldn't have jumped to get out. You can't work on something when the other persons not willing to. I'm sorry

Edited October 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[staggerlee71]

you want to continue the relationship and he is pissed and acting like child. Not because he is pissed but how he is handling it.

 

I didn't read too much into "new found freedom". As smackie said, its passive aggressive. Another sign communication under duress is difficult for him or he doesn't know how to communicate when he is pissed.

 

I would give him the weekend. Then I would reach out and text him something like this..." I would like to continue our relationship. I understand that you are upset and I would like to talk about. But you are not responding to me so since I have no idea how long you are going to continue I have to assume that you are not interested continuing our relationship. I am not going to reach out again to you"

 

And then don't. not responding and silent treatment is not healthy and he needs to know you wont accept this behavior. If he wants to continue, he will reach out in a few days. if he doesn't, he is an immature fool and you don't need that BS anyway. it will continue with every big fight

[newmoon]

give him the weekend, most reasonable men and women won't need more than that. anything more silent than a few days is silent treatment and not healthy relationship behavior. during the silence don't just think of him, but yourself as well, and whether this is a relationship that you really want to continue in. it doesn't sound like this is a doomed relationship but if he truly has a medical/mental health issue it could need attention and support, and lashing out and using that against him during fights is a no. i think an apology from both people is warranted here to get it back on track.

[OatsAndHall]

I'd suggest that you take a step back here and start by calmly addressing him expressing suicidal thoughts. That is truly your best bet if you feel like you want to keep the relationship going. He needs to be an adult and address his mental health issues if you two have a chance of making things work. Don't beat yourself up over the situation as he needs to be adult enough to recognize that he has some issues he needs to sort out and he's not being fair to you by not doing so.

 

I know that my ex-wife refused to appropriately address her depression and anxiety and it was devastating to our marriage. Things were smooth sailing when she was taking her medication as prescribed but she fought that continually. In fact, she was pulling herself off of several psychiatric meds in the months before we split up, she wouldn't listen to me when I begged her to talk to her doctor, and it made things a nightmare.

[fiskadoro]

I would say that no more than a day, but to be honest even that might be too much. That gives you both too much time to fester in your thoughts and judgements of the other, independent of them being there to provide some dialogue. Do you want that to be the pattern that you establish, where after a serious fight you demonstrate an inability to talk your way through problems? That sounds to me like withholding attention or warmth as a way of punishing someone for being angry. If he is doing that to you, that's a red flag, as I imagine that you told him it was his talk of suicide that made you say that, right?

 

NEVER have a text fight. If you are in a relationship, meet up to talk. If you can't do that, wait till you can, and make time to talk ASAP. Do you two have a history of discussing serious things over text? Texting is a poor medium for real communication, and especially when the relationship is struggling.

Edited October 8, 2017 by fiskadoro

[OatsAndHall]

 

NEVER have a text fight. If you are in a relationship, meet up to talk. If you can't do that, wait till you can, and make time to talk ASAP. Do you two have a history of discussing serious things over text? Texting is a poor medium for real communication, and especially when the relationship is struggling.

 

Excellent advice. My last serious relationship ended because she couldn't wrap her head around this concept; fighting over text is a terrible thing.

 

Plus, you're discussing a touchy subject and there needs to be tone to the conversation..

[kaylfava]

I would say that no more than a day, but to be honest even that might be too much. That gives you both too much time to fester in your thoughts and judgements of the other, independent of them being there to provide some dialogue. Do you want that to be the pattern that you establish, where after a serious fight you demonstrate an inability to talk your way through problems? That sounds to me like withholding attention or warmth as a way of punishing someone for being angry. If he is doing that to you, that's a red flag, as I imagine that you told him it was his talk of suicide that made you say that, right?

 

NEVER have a text fight. If you are in a relationship, meet up to talk. If you can't do that, wait till you can, and make time to talk ASAP. Do you two have a history of discussing serious things over text? Texting is a poor medium for real communication, and especially when the relationship is struggling.

 

Thank you everyone for your amazing advice and words, I appreciate that no one jumped on me and made me feel terrible for what I sad - trust me, I feel TERRIBLE.

 

According to him (I don't recall) during our "fight" he simply asked me "Do you think I'm mentally ill?" and I said "Yes, I think you're depressed." It was not said in anger, just matter of fact - again according to him. He says I then went on to say I think he needs medication to help him. He is very big on self help and does not believe in medication, so that set him off.

 

We generally talk on the phone or in person. I HATED that we did all of our "after fight" talking via text and it was all my doing.

 

We've had no communication for 2 days now, but he IS with family that he hasn't seen in 2 years, plus I told him I'd leave him be, so ok.

 

I believe my plan is to wait until tomorrow night. I'm planning on calling and seeing if he'd be interested in me dropping by his place with dinner one night. If he says no, well, I suppose I'll ask for clarification about his behavior over the phone. If he doesn't pick up.. should I leave a quick "Call me back." voicemail?

 

My gut tells me that he's not going to be able to forgive me. He is extraordinarily sensitive and words cling to him like.. well, like a needy, sad girlfriend. I am so regretful.

[kaylfava]

Just hold on a minute: you have every right to be concerned about a guy who has been expressing suicidal thoughts. That is not something to be taken lightly, particularly when it's been a recurrent thought pattern over the last 7 months. I would stop beating yourself up for being worried and suggesting he get help. He evidently needs it.

 

A lot of this would have to do with how you expressed it, though. If it came out sounding like an accusation, then yes, I understand why he is upset with you. He is correct that you cannot diagnose him. I also can see why he's angry that you're bringing it up now, in the midst of a fight, because it comes across as you leveraging that against him. But he also needs to understand he can't ponder suicidal thoughts and even debate checking himself into a hospital without eliciting some type of reaction from you. Of course you are worried; who wouldn't be? He needs to take a little ownership here, too.

 

I would interpret his "newfound freedom" comment to mean he wants to be single now, unfortunately. He is angry, and I understand where he is coming from, too. He feels on the defensive and probably like he can't please you. But perhaps he is correct - maybe he's really not in any position to be in a relationship right now.

 

At the end of the day, it takes two people to make a relationship work. You apologized and left the door open to talk again when he's back. I would leave him for a few days. See if he makes any attempt to contact you and clarify what he wants to do now.

 

I told him later on the phone that while I apologized for the mental illness comment, that he had to put himself and my shoes and understand how traumatic it is to sit on the phone with your boyfriend and listen to him tell you how he's thinking about how he could kill himself. I told him every time he did that, once we got off the phone, I would cry myself to sleep. It was scary.

 

I'm worried you may be right about the "freedom" comment, but I know his job was a horrible drain on his life, so it could have just been that. He has NEVER been passive aggressive with me, but then again... we've never had a fight.

 

I forgot to add that after the argument, the next day we met and spent some time together... it was strained but we had a good time. Unfortunately we also ended up sleeping together. The next morning he was weird... he gave me a quiet back massage and then at one point rolled me over, cupped my face, and very gently kissed my forehead. He's NEVER done that before, and me being me, I wonder if that was some kind of "goodbye" kiss. I dunno.

 

I did what is sometimes suggested and wrote out a pros and cons list, and the pros list was easier to write and is longer, but still... part of me wonders if I'm fighting for a lost cause. I love him and he has all the qualities I want in a partner, but he also has qualities I would never want in a partner. That might be my answer.

Edited October 9, 2017 by kaylfava

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, he doesn't sound all that stable. Are you sure you are prepared to continue a relationship with him, if that's what he wants? It seems you've been walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him, which isn't exactly fair to you either. It's definitely not a healthy dynamic.

 

He does need help, but it needs to come from a professional.

[kaylfava]

OP, he doesn't sound all that stable. Are you sure you are prepared to continue a relationship with him, if that's what he wants? It seems you've been walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him, which isn't exactly fair to you either. It's definitely not a healthy dynamic.

 

He does need help, but it needs to come from a professional.

 

He's not stable. I've been really struggling here. I love him so much and the good times with him were amazing, but.. a lot of the last 3 months has been difficult due to his depression (which.. I now admit I think he is in denial of).

 

I'm beginning to realize I'm fighting for something that's not there.

[kaylfava]

Well, he got back to me today (text) and expressed his frustration with me for not remembering what I said to him. I told him I understood and were I in his shoes I'd be frustrated too.

 

He proceeded to say "I've moved past it," which I don't believe, and that I would really like to avoid texting if at all possible, so we agreed to meet Friday to talk. He wanted to meet tonight but I need time to think about what I want to do with this meeting, if I want to try to reconcile or just put an end to things. Also, given how curt he was with me I think he's still angry, so I hope some time will help him cool off.

 

We'll see.

Edited October 9, 2017 by kaylfava

[smackie9]

He is very big on self help and does not believe in medication, so that set him off.

This is a warning sign of his inability to see that he actually does have a problem. Total denial is a dangerous thing. What he believes doesn't make it a healthy choice. He is only going to shoot himself in the foot if he doesn't start listening to others.

 

My gut tells me that he's not going to be able to forgive me. He is extraordinarily sensitive and words cling to him like.. well, like a needy, sad girlfriend. I am so regretful.

 

Dear you did nothing wrong. You stood up for yourself and mad a conversation with a person that was being erratic/stubborn. Don't let his manipulation make you feel guilt. He's the one that is being unreasonable and difficult. He is refusing to listen to what you are trying to tell him. Like I said denial is a dangerous thing. It's going to blow this relaitonship apart. And don't cave in to his crap to keep this going. It's going to suck for you even more. You will give him all the power. That leads to an unbalanced relationship...you will be miserable.