I Ruined My First Relationship.

[L0s]

Hi all. For context, I'm in the 25-27 age range, began dating my now ex-girlfriend a little over a year ago. She was my first love, first person I've traveled the country with, lost my virginity to her, and we pretty much spent every day together.

 

I messed up in the worst way possible. I lied about a bunch of inconsequential, stupid things throughout the relationship, because I was really insecure about myself and wanted to impress her. Instead of coming clean during our time dating, I just ended up having to spin those lies into more lies. About a year in, after a fight in which I admitted telling a half-truth, I ended up coming clean about everything after she asked. I've since been going to therapy because I never want to let my insecurities hurt someone again because I wanted to impress instead of being honest.

 

Since then everything has been awful. I feel awful about myself; I feel awful about how much I hurt her and betrayed her trust, I feel awful knowing I ruined what was otherwise an amazing relationship. And to make matters worse, we have a leased apartment together for about another 10 months, which neither of us can get out of. I talked with her yesterday and while she was kind and sympathetic, she also told me she no longer has any romantic interest in me; I am still head-over-heels for her. I completely respect her decision and understand where she is coming from, but right now I am pretty devastated and don't know what to do. I'm still going to be kind and respectful as a roommate, but I know I cannot sit around and hope for her to change her mind.

 

Any advice, input, thoughts, on getting over your first, dealing with a breakup which you were at fault, getting over an ex while living with them, would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[ExpatInItaly]

Tough situation.

 

What did you landlord say when you asked about one (or both) of you breaking the lease? Living together as exes is going to get messy. Even if you are kind and respectful to each other, problems are nearly inevitable. Think of how you might feel if you know she's gone out for the night and she doesn't come home until the next morning. Or if you see her getting all dolled up and wonder if she's going on a date. For this reason, I would also investigate whether a sympathetic friend or family member might be willing to let one of you crash with them for a little while. I would be doing anything possible to put space between you two.

 

I don't think your healing will really begin until you're no longer living together. Until then, you need to at least not sleep in the same bed (if you're not already sleeping apart) and not do things as a couple around home. Cook and eat separately; don't be cuddling up to watch TV together. Don't try to go for a walk and grab a coffee or something. No texting or calling each other unless an issue with the apartment comes up. You will need to treat each other as roommates, rather than friends (much less exes!) who live together.

 

Out of curiosity, what did you lie to her about?

[Miss Spider]

I am in your sitch ditch. Ruined everything I could ruin in my first relationship. It hurts but with time, new experiences, and a different perspective maybe you can learn to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. what matters is we learn from them. You lied because of insecurities and it ended up backfiring. The smartest step would be to work on those insecurities so they don't sabotage future relationships. Best of luck

[L0s]

Thank you for the response! Unfortunately it's a new apartment without much capacity, and my ex bought furniture specifically catered to the apartment (all pre-breakup), so breaking isn't really an option for her. The only other option would be for me to sublet, but neither of us has been able to find anyone to sublet to (the apartment is kind of out there). I was starting to spend more time with her (running, asking her out to dinner), in the hopes of rekindling, but after what she said yesterday that is going to have to stop.

 

As for the lying, it was things like saying I had a job in a city which she worked, saying I got basketball scholarships when I didn't in college, saying I had a job offer from X firm but I didn't want to take it, when they didn't explicitly give me an offer. Little things to try and make myself sound more impressive that eventually added up to destroy everything.

[L0s]

Appreciate the kind words!

[ExpatInItaly]

So, have you spoken to your landlord to see if you can be taken off the lease? I would be doing so immediately, if you haven't already. Living together as exes will be detrimental to both of you.