mark1210 Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Hello There--- A little about me, I am 25, 5'8, 190 lbs, 2 years ago I was 160, built and I would say pretty handsome. I have successful career, a home owner and a new vehicle. I seem to be highly successful with my business aspect of my life but on the personal side its almost non-existant. I can't find a descent woman. The women I have met have all been online from dating sites. The main reason is I have literally no game or self-confience when it comes to approaching a woman. Plus, in my line of work I am the youngest there so meeting a person at work is unlikely. I feel somewhat like I have been settling for these women who aren't a perfect fit and when things fall apart, which it inevitablly does I just get more depressed about dating. I have had women lie, cheat, get physical, etc on me. I seem to pick all the broken and nutty ones. The most recent was in a serious relationship that ended in February and since then I have just let things go to hell pretty much when it comes to self. My friends think its because I like the drama and actually thrive on being hurt now. They also think I lack a self-identity and always need self-validation from a woman. All I know is, I am 25 and I should be dating quality women. I shouldn't be avoiding the friends I do have. I have pretty much sentenced myself to not getting married or having a family because of the poor dating experiences. The few friends I have left think I have issues for putting up with so much, they question why I don't take the time out from dating and work on my self confidence, validation needs and my lack of respect for them. I used to blow them off for a girl all the time, so naturally they have taken it personal. I guess what I am on here asking is normal for someone my age? How do I go about addressing these issues? I purchased this book from Dr. Phil titled Self-matters but haven't read it, no motivation I guess. I was exercising, biking 10 miles a day and got myself to 178 but 4 weeks of that and I gave it up. Now I am back to nearly where I started. When I get depressed or lonely I sulk in food for comfort. On my last physical about a month ago I had blood pressure of 140 over 100 which made the doctor alarmed. After biking for a month it was 117 over 80. Now, its back nearly where it was. I don't smoke or do drugs but here lately I have been drinking quite a bit and going to bed quite early. I was on Wellbutrin-XL after the breakup in February. My psychologist indicated I had situational depression. I just am not happy with the way I have dated women, its been this way for 6 years, and now I am not happy with my appearence and self.
Outcast Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Either go back to your psych and get back on antidepressants or else take control of your life. Go back to exercising and stick to it. Read the Dr. Phil book or else see your psych about your self-confidence issues. If your friends who know and care about you say that you need to fix some of your own problems before you're fit to be in a relationship, pay attention. You know exactly what you need to do so quit making excuses and get off your butt and do it. Call that psych tomorrow and make a vow to yourself to read ten pages of Dr. P's book a day. Probably once you start, you'll get interested in it but aim for ten pages.
battleworn Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 I hear you loud and clear here. I'm 32, 5'4" and somewhat baby faced. A couple of years ago I weighed 180 pounds, slept 16 hours a day and ate continuously. I was in a depressive spiral and couldn't approach women. I couldn't even stand to be around my own friends. I stopped working out and didn't leave the house even for work (I can work at home if I choose). If I was invited to a party I would make lame excuses to get out of them. When I couldn't get out of them I sat alone in a corner bringing everyone down around me. It's depression plain and simple. I've battled it for over 10 years and tried everything from psychology to psychiatry to counseling, group, vitamins, exercise. What worked for me was Wellbutrin + Celexxa. I'm not saying drugs are the answer for everyone, but my life has gone from a probable suicide to feeling like it has meaning. It took a long time to find the right solution, and some of the drugs I've been on (Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor) have had really bad side effects, from massive weight gain to lethargy and bad withdrawal effects. None of doctors really knows what's going on with the drugs. It's all speculation and drug company research. But I've been off and on them enough to know that they can work, and it's definitley not a placebo effect. Now I'm really crawling out of it. I've started getting in shape at the gym and with sports and am headed towars 145 again. I'm trying online dating and having some success. But most importantly I feel confident and upbeat. I know I can get in shape. I know I can meet someone special if I keep trying. Whether online or in person, if you have low self esteem the nutjobs will pick up on that. Better to be alone than in a dysfunctional relationship. But it's not a binary choice; there are good decent people out there. The worst thing about depression is that it robs you of hope, and it isolates you from your friends and family. At least with a physical illness you can have hope and people to help you. With depression, they're the first things that seem to go away. You believe they don't want to be around you when it's really you that's pushing them away.
AnHonestGuy Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 The worst thing about depression is that it robs you of hope, and it isolates you from your friends and family. Yep. Take a look around and you'll find a lot of people in this situation. Good job, car, house and depressed as hell. The most important thing in life is to make sure you take care of yourself. Depression is literally a hole. The further you get into it, the longer you take trying to get yourself out of it. Make sure you seek help if it gets too much!
Author mark1210 Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I was on the wellbutrin-xl for about 3 months, I don't think it really did al lot for me but its been so long I can't really remember. I have 3 bottles of the stuff still left in my medicine drawer. Should I just start taking one a day like I was or do I need to see a psychologist? I'd like to avoid that if I can, my insurance has changed an no longer covers pysciatric therapy. I forgot to mention in my other post that I am also going through chapter 7, a lot of unsecured debt was added with my ex. I can't blame her though, after all, it was me pulling out the cards and swiping them each and every time. So even with a good job, I couldn't make ends meet because I was too busy fulfilling my ex's desires for materialistic garbage. I could never say no to her it seemed. I'm going to try and read the Dr. Phil book tonight, every says he is really good so I guess I'll put him to the test. I'd like to puchase an indoor exercise bike but with time I will. As the other person said, I literally sleep the day away. I have a part time job interview on Friday and I hope that will help with income and such. My job performance or attendance has never suffered throughout this ordeal.
lindya Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 I don't think you're supposed to take old medication that's been lying around for a while. Programmes of medication are really supposed to start and end in consultation with your doctor. It's a pity that you can't afford counselling. I don't know who Dr Phil is (not being from the US) or what his book's like, but self help books often can be very useful in helping you to gain a little insight. Nonetheless, it's very valuable to have a fairly objective human (in the form of a therapist) to bounce your own personal experiences and anxieties off. It's interesting that you placed your ex girlfriend's desire for material goods above your very important need to avoid getting into debt. What was it about her, you or the relationship that made it so difficult to say no to that person?
battleworn Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Frankly, I've found talk therapy not all that great anyway. You can try looking up support groups in your town for help. I went to one for a while, but it was too depressing ;-) No seriously, you can get a lot of great help from them, especially with tales of medication side effects your doctor may not know about. They are good for reinforcing the right things to do w.r.t. the depression as well. Don't screw around with taking the pills yourself. See a doctor. I've tried varying dosage and frequency in the past with unpleasant results.
animo Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 You have no self respect! Do you know how you loose your self respect? You trade it in for what seems like a better deal. In your case, probably a women, but it cuold aswell by a carreer, money, whatever. Trading in your self respect for a women is one of the worst ones though, as it initiates a downward spiral. You trade in your self respect to try and satisfy a women, it doesn't work and you send them a messege that it's ok to treat you like crap and you are just going to love them for it, so they will do it more. Before to long they lose all respect for you and start using you and abusing you. Time to start stading up for yourself! If something doesn't feel right then DONT do it. Plain and simple. Don't think...'well yeah i do feel like i am sort of taking it up the ass here, but it's ok if you do it for someone you love'... NO wrong, you never take it up the ass for anyone, unless you are pretending to take it up the ass while secretly knowing THEY are taking it up the ass from you. If you let people walk all over you then that's exactly what they are going to do... I know it's sad but, it seems to be the truth. Compassion is a rare thing, people need to respect you before they will 'feel' for you in any way. If you make yourself weak you get no respect simple as that. And loose your self respect to top it off.
New_Wife Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 One of the funny things about antidepressants is that you feel okay after a bit, so you stop taking them - without consulting your prescribing physician. If you are not properly weaned off - you can end up in a worse spot than you started. I would suggest you return to the psychiatrist, explain your current symptoms, and see what's up. Also, be sure that you are working out every day. It doesn't have to be a big workout, just add 30 minutes of some sort of activity beyond the norm. That will increase your natural dopamine uptake, which is HUGE in fighting depression in addition to any medication you may require. Watch your diet, and cut the booze. I'm sure you know that it a depressant. It helps you get out of depression like gasoline helps put out a fire.
Author mark1210 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Posted August 17, 2005 lindya: I did it because I wanted to keep her. I realize the err in my ways now, if she left merely because I wouldn't buy something then she wasn't in the relationship with the right intentions. I think a lot of it has to do with the fear of being alone like my good friends dad. Worries me I will end up that way, I'm afraid I will make a self fulfilled prophecy. battleworn: The support group idea is a new one to me, I mean how would I go about finding one, and would I be looking for something like a no self respect support group or what? animo: That seems to be the general consensus, no self respect which is why I do all sorts of risky things. I keep the girl I am seeing at nearly any expense. I've gone so far as to pay their car payments, sell my belongings to ensure they have money, let them move in, etc. Sad and pathetic I know, and while I can seem to say the right things I can never act on it if a woman plays her cards right. My friends (the few I still have) always know I will fold like a deck of cards if a woman "pulls my leash" the right way as they say. They literally know I will disappear from their lives and then return once the relationship is over. I don't blame them for being pissed at me at all. As an example, just tonight I called my ex-gf up from years ago and we had sex, I figured it would make me feel better a bit. Feel worse now afterwards as she now thinks I am interested in her again. What a stupid decision on my part. New_Wife: Thank you for the advice, I wish I really had the cash to see the doctor again, since my insurance changed its not covered at all and they are quite pricey. Would it be so bad to resume taking the Wellbutrin and the same dosage and intervals as originally prescribed? I have a ton of the stuff.
battleworn Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 I'm sure if you do a Google search in your area you can find a list of groups. I was referring to a depression support group if that's what it is. What's hard to figure out is if depression is the result or the cause of your problems.
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