Jack1991 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) Hi, Internet folks! I've been with a girl for more than 2 months, but we've known each other online for many years. She's really a type of my girl. She's sweet and strong and I love her a lot. I feel affectionate to her emotionally and sexually. Since the start of this dating, we haven't had sex, but made out once and it was really best one I've ever had. But after that, she seems to reject or ignore my desire even touching, let alone kissing or making out. So I back down and don't ask her why. I'm not really frustrated about that, but I feel sad and low in self-esteem. So I have a lot of questions running in my brain. Maybe I have bad breath? The last time I've checked, it's okay. Or she may think I want to make out or attempt to have sex with her all the time? I've tried to tell her many times already that I love her and I respect her wishes if she doesn't want that. But still, we don't seem to be able to have a closer physical attachment like the first time we started. Once, she told me she wants to cuddle and I was okay. However, she pulled away when I tried to be close to her. It created a terrifying awkward moment for us. FYI, we're all adult (26 and 25) and culture isn't the barrier that for her since she is really open about it. She also said many times that she loves me and think of me as a handsome and sexy boyfriend. But right now, everything goes the opposite way. Like I said above, I respect her and I'm okay if she needs time but I still need reason behind. Please help me solving this, folks! Edited October 7, 2017 by Jack1991
PinkPampies Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 I think the only way you're going to find out is if you ask her... 2
act00 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 There's no way I would pursue a relationship with someone so completely asexual. No touching? No cuddling? No kissing? Nothing?? No...just no. I have no advice on how to manage this situation other than it's time to move on. She has issues or hangups, and who knows what they are. Who knows what she'll do. I mean, she allowed cuddling, briefly, sometime back in in the past...how do you work with that? This woman needs to seek therapy if she can't tolerate normal behaviors of couples...like affection, kissing, and sex. Sex is normal and enjoyable and brings couples closer; as does affection, kissing, cuddling, touching. You are a buddy, not a boyfriend. Has she shared with you why she has these restrictions? Have you asked? Is she actively dating other men and touching, kissing, having sex? 2
coolheadal Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Sounds like she has been sexually abused as child, teen or adult. You would have to ask her to find out but then would be dangerous to bring up that subject. Those who have been rape or attacked by a group of boy's, guys whatever will act this way too. If you can live like that with her then so be it if not then you need to pull away from her. Can't change her she going to give you a little but then pull away. Fears comes back to her mind. I only ran into two women who had this issue and the end result was they were rape, abuses sexually assaulted.. 2
Author Jack1991 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Posted October 7, 2017 There's no way I would pursue a relationship with someone so completely asexual. No touching? No cuddling? No kissing? Nothing?? No...just no. I have no advice on how to manage this situation other than it's time to move on. She has issues or hangups, and who knows what they are. Who knows what she'll do. I mean, she allowed cuddling, briefly, sometime back in in the past...how do you work with that? This woman needs to seek therapy if she can't tolerate normal behaviors of couples...like affection, kissing, and sex. Sex is normal and enjoyable and brings couples closer; as does affection, kissing, cuddling, touching. You are a buddy, not a boyfriend. Has she shared with you why she has these restrictions? Have you asked? Is she actively dating other men and touching, kissing, having sex? Thanks for advice, act00. I forgot to mention that she has just moved on from past relationship with a boyfriend of 2 years. The reason is because he cheated her. I somehow have a gut feeling that's reason behind this. And no, she has never explained me clearly why she has these restrictions. Like I said, we made out once and that's it. I felt ashamed and miserable on how she even avoided normal things like hugging or cuddling when I tried to put my arm on her shoulder.
Author Jack1991 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Posted October 7, 2017 Thanks, PinkPampies and Cookiesandough! Yes, I will talk to her but not right now. She may points out that I take things so seriously and fast, you know.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 I think the only way you're going to find out is if you ask her... I agree. We could speculate, but only she really knows the answer to this one. Have you asked her directly why she's so hesitant, OP? I can understand not wanting to have sex just yet, but if she's dodging every other sort of affection, there's a problem. 1
Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Well, how long are you willing to wait for sex? There gets to be a point where it's less about being gentlemanly and patient and more about preventing being in a sexless relationship. You are in a romantic relationship now, so why is she withholding sex? Is she asexual, is she suffering from trauma, is she not attracted to you? Are you ok with having a completely sexless relationship or one where sex is really rare? These are questions that could determine the fate of your relationship 1
Author Jack1991 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Posted October 7, 2017 Sounds like she has been sexually abused as child, teen or adult. You would have to ask her to find out but then would be dangerous to bring up that subject. Those who have been rape or attacked by a group of boy's, guys whatever will act this way too. If you can live like that with her then so be it if not then you need to pull away from her. Can't change her she going to give you a little but then pull away. Fears comes back to her mind. I only ran into two women who had this issue and the end result was they were rape, abuses sexually assaulted.. Thanks for advice, coolheadal It's possible, but I try to think of less messed up situation. Like I mentioned on above reply, she was cheated by her ex-boyfriend. They were together for around 2 years, so I thought he might used her for sex for something. However, I never dig those things up because it's a sensitive subject if it's true. I am trying to be a good boyfriend for her by trying not to remind her about her past. But if this still go on, I will have to leave. A win-win solution for us I guess.
Steve51 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Don't waste your time. People do not change very easily and if you marry this girl you will be online posting about how your wife does not want to have sex anymore. Sex produces the hormone Oxytocin which emotionally bonds you together. It is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. Without sex you will not have that emotionally bonding which is the glue that keeps a couple together. My first girlfriend would make out but she always stopped before she would orgasm. She is married to a woman now. I have always expected an adult relationship with a woman and if they did not want to have sex after a few dates, I broke it off. I had the self confidence to know that I would find someone else easily and I did. Look around this forum and you will learn what most of us know; sex gets boring and routine after you have been married a long time. Imagine how it will be if you start off at zero. 1
Author Jack1991 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Posted October 7, 2017 I agree. We could speculate, but only she really knows the answer to this one. Have you asked her directly why she's so hesitant, OP? I can understand not wanting to have sex just yet, but if she's dodging every other sort of affection, there's a problem. No, I have not. Sometimes, she likes to tease me about sex like she cannot wait to make out with me for second time, but when the time comes, she avoids it.
Author Jack1991 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Posted October 7, 2017 Well, how long are you willing to wait for sex? There gets to be a point where it's less about being gentlemanly and patient and more about preventing being in a sexless relationship. You are in a romantic relationship now, so why is she withholding sex? Is she asexual, is she suffering from trauma, is she not attracted to you? Are you ok with having a completely sexless relationship or one where sex is really rare? These are questions that could determine the fate of your relationship At this point, I'm ready to have sex with her if she agrees. The speculation about her withholding sex or intimacy is on the above reply. And no, I'm not okay for sexless relationship. She knows that I want it too, but she now avoids it and pretend as if nothing happen.
Author Jack1991 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Posted October 7, 2017 Don't waste your time. People do not change very easily and if you marry this girl you will be online posting about how your wife does not want to have sex anymore. Sex produces the hormone Oxytocin which emotionally bonds you together. It is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. Without sex you will not have that emotionally bonding which is the glue that keeps a couple together. My first girlfriend would make out but she always stopped before she would orgasm. She is married to a woman now. I have always expected an adult relationship with a woman and if they did not want to have sex after a few dates, I broke it off. I had the self confidence to know that I would find someone else easily and I did. Look around this forum and you will learn what most of us know; sex gets boring and routine after you have been married a long time. Imagine how it will be if you start off at zero. Thanks, Steve51 I bet I'm quite tolerant when it comes to this. I need a little bit of time to compromise with her about that. Asexuality or homosexuality are something that I come up when you raised about your ex-girlfriend. She once jokingly said that she may be asexual. If it is so, I will break it off.
The Urbanyst Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 A relationship where both people are not on the same page will DIE. Fast or slow? Its really your choice. How much of your own time do you want to waste? Lol. 2
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) Yes, I will talk to her but not right now. She may points out that I take things so seriously and fast, you know. I don't think she can accuse you of taking things too seriously or too fast if you are asking why she is reluctant to hold your hand, cuddle, or kiss after a few months... Tell her that you like her and be clear that you want to do all these things with this girl... If she doesn't feel the same way, then there is not much you can do... Edited October 7, 2017 by BaileyB
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 No, I have not. Sometimes, she likes to tease me about sex like she cannot wait to make out with me for second time, but when the time comes, she avoids it. And that isn't cool, either. She is sending very confusing messages. Have a talk with her. At this stage, you need to know what you're investing in. You can do this with kindness and respect, of course. It might be a sensitive subject but it's an important one. I would not take this relationship further until you understand what's up with her. Imagine you fall for her even more, and months later, you're still in the same position. It will be a lot harder then to untangle your feelings from your needs and expectations in a romantic relationship. Romantic chemistry is important. Without any physical intimacy at all, you're essentially just friends. 1
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 No, I have not. Sometimes, she likes to tease me about sex like she cannot wait to make out with me for second time, but when the time comes, she avoids it. Yeah, this is not ok. There is shy and inexperienced... and then there is a girl who is playing games. You need to talk to her and figure out what is going on here. Don't wait forever. 1
Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Just out of curiosity, what is she like in other ways? Does she post pics of you guys on social media? Has she proudly introduced you to family and friends? 1
HiCrunchy Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Is she a virgin by any chance? or maybe she likes to take things slowly. Does she have religious views that prevent her from getting physical more than kissing? Have you asked her any of these questions? 1
smackie9 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 I think it's time to stop dating. Whatever the reason, she's not ready or she's coming to the realization this isn't what she wants....possibly has an attachment she doesn't want to give up or lose. Maybe she just doesn't want to be alone. 1
coolheadal Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Thanks for advice, coolheadal It's possible, but I try to think of less messed up situation. Like I mentioned on above reply, she was cheated by her ex-boyfriend. They were together for around 2 years, so I thought he might used her for sex for something. However, I never dig those things up because it's a sensitive subject if it's true. I am trying to be a good boyfriend for her by trying not to remind her about her past. But if this still go on, I will have to leave. A win-win solution for us I guess. I've been in situations like this and I am like you. Tolerate to a point. What does she offer me in return. Love, cuddle, snuggle, holding each other in bed and falling asleep together. Have you ever gone down on her? Does she even allow that much. Then you know that's all she wanted so call booty call or she gets that from you without giving you anything else in return. Even if your not getting anything like that or she not into it with you then. Cheating wouldn't cause her not to be sexual with you. It has to be something else. You don't want her to flip out on you if you try to dig into her past. See how it goes and let us all here know the final out-come but you might have figure out that already too. What are you getting out of all of this you have to think about your needs as a man. She's just thinking about herself her needs. Having not contact physically, just have emotional relationship is that enough for you? Think about this just knowing she loves you is that all you really need? 1
Author Jack1991 Posted October 9, 2017 Author Posted October 9, 2017 Thanks for responses, folks! After two days of speculation and discussion with her, I have come up with a conclusion. There are many cases from you guys that assume her like: - she has been abused as a child/teen/adult - she is a virgin - she had bad history with her ex-boyfriend - she needs time etc,. Those are all wrong! The reason behind this is that she just want to play with my feeling. Sometimes when she knows that I need to touch or sext, she acts like she wants it too, but then again, she ignores or pulls it away. It has happened many times already to the point which I feel ashamed when I want to initiate the act next time. And guess what, guys? She confirmed me last night that she doesn't want a serious relationship yet. So after that sexy making out, and a lot of teasing, we are not in a serious relationship. We are simply dating! Besides sexual disappointment, she never makes me feel like she belongs to me. It is like she takes this relationship for granted. I don't blame her though, I blame myself for taking things too seriously for a short period of time. I still love her, but I doubt it will goes any further when we are lack of passion. So now, I am feeling empty insides, guy. I am not saying I quit this relationship, but I will give myself a bit more time and involve with her on emotional side only. If nothing changes, that will be it for us. Best, Jack1991!
stillafool Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 I think you would be happier with another girl. This just sounds like too much work and frustration with no pay off.
It's Just Me Posted October 9, 2017 Posted October 9, 2017 She's not ready because her mind is still on that previous relationship.
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