Stopme Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 So I was married for 13 years. Now back on the single scene ... things have changed a bit. It seems that all the men I meet are into money and sex. They don't seem to want to date, get to know each other and build a relationship. I'm seeing a guy at the moment, have seen him about 4 times, first time was drinks out somewhere, the other times have been lunch at his place (twice) and a movie one night at his place. He doesn't seem interested in going out or coming to my place. He works two businesses and isn't available most of the time. He just seems to expect me to fit in with him. I have kids 50% of the time. I like the guy but the world seems to revolve around him. He says he wants a relationship but he doesn't seem to want to put in the effort. Surely at this age I don't need to explain this to him? This is not the beginning of a relationship, more like booty buddies or fwbs. I have told him neither of these suit me. This is harder than when I was 20, at least they put in effort. Anyone relate? Should I invest a bit more in this, maybe in time he will put in more effort? He has been through crap, but so have I!
morrowrd Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) Well, you made the mistake alot of women do who are looking for a relationship using online dating. You slept with him way too soon, and now you're going to either keep seeing him, hoping to convince him to "make room" for you in his life, just to avoid the inevitable - or you are going to drop him because you feel used, an afterthought - someone he makes time for when all his other priorities are out of the way, and he wants sex. Call a spade a spade, and before you reply to any of the 100+ emails in your online dating box, decide how you are going to do things next time. You really don't want to waste precious time running in a squirrel cage, having a revolving door of men in and out of your life, making the same mistake trusting them too fast over and over, because they "appear" perfect. {all that glitters isn't gold, so they say} To be blunt, you are being used, so call it like it is. Drop him, don't send some long 10 page email, explaining how hurt you are, explaining how wrong he is....because it will just get deleted, unread. Stop communicating with him, when he contacts you, say goodbye. "This isn't working for me" will do nicely. Next time, make sure you click, make sure you're attracted to the person - not just how he looks, make sure you are being treated right - fair and honestly. There are just as many good and honest men out there as dishonest users. Patience is the key here, remember there is a difference between a man who wants something, as opposed to a man who wants you. And it's easy to tell the difference. Edited October 7, 2017 by morrowrd 1
elaine567 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 This is not the beginning of a relationship, more like booty buddies or fwbs. I have told him neither of these suit me. You can't invest in some guy who is not investing in you in the hope you will trigger some interest. If you start in the fwb/fb role then he will not see you as anything else. As long as you fit into HIS life he will keep you around but do not think this will suddenly develop into a huge romance, it won't. He is not putting in any effort because he doesn't have to, you are doing it all for him. You can moan all you like, but people rarely change, that is why in dating you discount the no hopers, ie the ones that do not SUIT you. This arrangement is great for him, but horrible for you... so NEXT! A guy who doesn't want to go out or doesn't even want to go to your place is not really relationship material, is he? He is telling you that, so you need to listen.
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Yeah, that guy is not going to be a very good "partner" for you... I will say, hold out and find the good guys. They are out there. I found one last year! Good luck to you...
OatsAndHall Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 I would suggest that you decide exactly what you want out of a relationship, communicate that early on, and don't waste time when red-flags pop up. And, honestly, you'll weed out a lot of shallow guys quickly if you set physical boundaries early on. I know it's hard; you meet someone you're attracted to, you have fun together and one thing leads to another. But, a man who is focused strongly on sex will disappear in a hurry if you slow down physical intimacy early on. Also, on a side note, be very clear if you are looking for a partner with the potential of becoming a big part of your children's lives or not. I have dated single mothers and I make it clear to them that I understand that I may become a part of their children's lives at some point but that I'm not looking to become an add-water daddy early on. I know that the children are a part of the whole package but I'm certainly Mr. Wrong if they want me to be heavily involved with their kids early on. I need to get to know the mother first and then decide whether I'm willing to take that leap. 2
iVisa Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 If he want you he should put in the effort. You need a relationship with involvement, so demand it. You are worth of it! Don't waste your time. 1
smackie9 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 You are old enough to know, this guy isn't what I'm looking for.....so why invest anymore of your time? What you see is what you get. Please don't be one of those who thinks, "well maybe if I stick it out he will change.." no no no no no! don't do it! dump this chump. 3
newmoon Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 i can totally relate to you and what you're experiencing. so many women just accept what they're given, do everything to make a guy happy, go out of their way for guys. there is absolutely no reason for them to make an effort any longer, cuz some other woman will come along and do everything he wants w/no effort on his part. if a guy actually goes out of his way for you, he's interested. if he doesn't, he's wanting the easy road. sounds like this guy has been spoiled. i wouldn't cater to him. you already see the signs. 1
Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 I would tell him something like " I like you but I'm looking for someone who wants to get to know me and makes time for me. I want to go out and do activities together. Sitting in all the time isn't working for me. " If he likes you enough he'll step up. If he doesn't, you move on... You set the bar for how you want to be treated 2
smackie9 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 IMO in this early stage, you shouldn't have to give someone an indirect ultimatum. You are just setting yourself up for more bs down the road. 1
Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Maybe. But maybe just stating her needs will help. Maybe he does not see anything wrong with Netflix and chill. If she just breaks it off with him she will be giving him that reason anyway. 1
coolheadal Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 So I was married for 13 years. Now back on the single scene ... things have changed a bit. It seems that all the men I meet are into money and sex. They don't seem to want to date, get to know each other and build a relationship. I'm seeing a guy at the moment, have seen him about 4 times, first time was drinks out somewhere, the other times have been lunch at his place (twice) and a movie one night at his place. He doesn't seem interested in going out or coming to my place. He works two businesses and isn't available most of the time. He just seems to expect me to fit in with him. I have kids 50% of the time. I like the guy but the world seems to revolve around him. He says he wants a relationship but he doesn't seem to want to put in the effort. Surely at this age I don't need to explain this to him? This is not the beginning of a relationship, more like booty buddies or fwbs. I have told him neither of these suit me. This is harder than when I was 20, at least they put in effort. Anyone relate? Should I invest a bit more in this, maybe in time he will put in more effort? He has been through crap, but so have I! What the world has become in dating is not like it was 13 years ago. Too bad the man you married couldn't be what you had hope. It's rough. I had my ex for about the same time you had yours and took another 3 years for the divorce to finalize. I've dated a lot and learn a lot. But OLD is not like it was when I was available. I had to give up on that process I use to like it! Women on their play games, lie about their age, their status, control substance abuse. I don't do drugs and I don't see whatever so keen on doing it. I don't guzzle down beer no would you ever seen that in my fridge. Just too much lies for one man who not like them at all. I gone the job way and it's working slowly in dating. I willing to give that try and I did! You have kids so you need to find a guy who has kids also. Works out better than a man who doesn't know the experience you have making kids, birthing babies, raising kids, into teens and then young adults. Some women I met still had their grown kids still living with them. Like room mates. I can't do that, they making babies with their partners all living under one roof. Then she goes from single mom to single grandmom. Oh boy! No time for me or anything baby sitting the grand kids while the parents are out working. Anyway you have your kids 50% you want them around you, but remember those men who don't have kids will never fit into your lifestyle.
act00 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) It takes time to meet "the one." This one isn't working for you, and it's time to call it off. You can't change him or what he wants. He may be a great guy in a lot of ways, but he clearly isn't meeting your needs and I question if he's good stepfather material as well. If it's not working for you, simply say so and move on. No need to waste your time any further. When he's ready to put in the work, he will, though it probably won't be with you. When the man you're seeing isn't working out, cut your losses early when it's clear it's just not a good fit. You've got too much going on with trying to raise your kids and earn a living, and while it's nice to have some smooching and sex, it's just a drain on you when you have to do all the work in the relationship as well; just another child you have to care for. Time to move on. I agree, while it may scare men off, be very clear from the start what you're looking for. If it scares men off, you've eliminated the riff-raff...this is a good thing. Don't be quick to fall into bed, either. Edited October 7, 2017 by act00 1
Cobra_X Posted October 13, 2017 Posted October 13, 2017 This is harder than when I was 20, at least they put in effort. Anyone relate? Should I invest a bit more in this, maybe in time he will put in more effort? He has been through crap, but so have I! Your Sexual Market Value is significantly decreased. If you try to date above your market value then you will be viewed as easy sex and nothing more. Move down market.
elaine567 Posted October 13, 2017 Posted October 13, 2017 Your Sexual Market Value is significantly decreased. If you try to date above your market value then you will be viewed as easy sex and nothing more. Move down market. I think she can do a whole lot better than this selfish idiot, she needs to move up market, not down. 1
TheTraveler Posted October 13, 2017 Posted October 13, 2017 "well maybe if I stick it out he will change.." We have seen so much of this on here. And the quote applies to women as well No, they don't change. This is what you get. The good? You found this out early OP which allows you to end this and move on.
Author Stopme Posted October 16, 2017 Author Posted October 16, 2017 Yep, moved UP MARKET and got rid of him .... !! 1
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