SuntoryBoss154 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 This is kind of complicated but here we go: So I met this beautiful and nice girl a few days ago and we started chatting for several hours every day since. It was really flirtatious at first and was heading more into the direction of a ONS (One-Night Stand) but started becoming more intimate. Problem is, I said I don't want just want a ONS and then it's over, to which she replied she does like me but she doesn't want to hurt me because she can't maintain relationships (neither romantic nor friends). Turns out she has SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) and hasn't really left the house (except for shopping etc) for the past few years. She also gives online private lessons to high school students because of her SAD. I really do like her and want to help her at least, but she said there are just some people that like being alone for the rest of their lives more than being with others. I have no doubts that she does indeed like me, but when we thought about what we are going to do the next time we meet in person she said that she doesn't want it to be as friends nor as a date (so basically a sexual relationship only). So should Í just accept that (because there's nothing I can do to help a person who doesn't want any help) and move on or keep trying to convince her that she doesn't have to be alone for the rest of her life? P.S I have no experience with SAD so far and didn't believe it to be an actual disorder you often can't fight.
basil67 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 SAD can probably be worked through with the help of mental health professionals, but not a layperson like us. And a person who has a mental illness should seek help in their own time. If we push them before they are ready, it's not going to work out. The best help you could give her is to tell her you want more than a ONS and that you need to move on. She will only seek help when she sees how much damage she's doing to her life. 1
Author SuntoryBoss154 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Posted October 7, 2017 First of all, thank you for the reply! The problem is I dont think she sees how much damage she's doing to her life. I want to help her in the way of making her realize that there are other ways... ( I know I probably can't "cure" her SAD by myself) This may sound stupid but I think I actually have developed feelings for her because it pains me to think about moving on and ending it, not knowing what will happen to her. And I almost never develop feelings for a girl so I want to make sure I won't regret what I'm doing.
basil67 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Suntory, you say you've got feelings for her. Let me remind you that she is currently an online girl who you have yet to meet. She doesn't even want a relationship. You don't know nearly enough about her to sensibly form a bond. As I said in my previous post, tell her that the two of you are looking for different things and move on.
act00 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 She states she is happy with her life and her existence. You don't get to pick what makes her happy. You clearly do not agree with her lifestyle, and with that, you are not a match. She has a disorder and only she can fix it. You can't fix it. This is entirely on her. If she finds that her lifestyle is not working with society and even dating, and when she finds it seriously impinges on opportunities, only then will she start taking steps to make a change. She already knows what's wrong. She is living an existence that works for her. Leave her be. You are not her fixer. If she's only interested in some sex once in awhile, and you're up for the challenge, that's all you're going to get. Do not expect more. Do not invest in trying to fix her. At least she's being upfront and honest about it. You want more. Move along and find someone in the right place who equally shares your goals and desires in a relationship. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 I always thought SAD was seasonal affect disorder -- people who get depressed in the fall with the time changes & getting darker earlier. Anyway, I don't it buy it. You met her out so she does leave the house. She flirted with you so she does have social skills. Somebody who has what she's claiming couldn't do either. She also would not be as forthcoming about the diagnosis. The overwhelming fear of being judged which defines the condition & helps distinguish it from ordinary shyness would prevent her from giving you -- a stranger -- that kind of ammunition. It sounds like she can't maintain relationships because she is unwilling to do the work & this is a convenient label to excuse her unwillingness to try. You can't "help her." My advice: leave her be & date somebody who isn't lying to herself. 3
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 That's pretty much what I thought... I'm assuming that you met her when she was out in the world and she has the social skills to flirt and talk with you. You have also indicated that she wants to have a sexual relationship with you... These kinds of things would be very challenging for someone with social anxiety disorder. Now, I have no doubt that she has anxiety. Do you know, has she seen a doctor and been diagnosed? Does she take any medication? Has she ever seen a counsellor? These are the questions to ask... Otherwise, I agree with basil. She is telling you that she will not go out and "date" like another woman would... If that is enough for you, that's fine. But, don't expect that you will be able to change her because she has to want to change and do this for her herself. It doesn't sound like she has decided this is a problem that she can solve just yet. Good luck!
Miss Spider Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Hard to believe she has SA if she is chatting /flirting with you through text for days... I don't have even have SA, but I would find that a challenge. You'd think she could sustain a friendship at least through text if she can do that, but what do I know. Anyway,can't change what someone wants...so if it's not aligned with what you want, you best get to stepping
rightondude Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Turns out she has SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) and hasn't really left the house (except for shopping etc) for the past few years. She also gives online private lessons to high school students because of her SAD. I really do like her and want to help her at least, but she said there are just some people that like being alone for the rest of their lives more than being with others. I have no doubts that she does indeed like me, but when we thought about what we are going to do the next time we meet in person she said that she doesn't want it to be as friends nor as a date (so basically a sexual relationship only). You sure she's not just using this as a line to keep you at distance for some reason?
coolheadal Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) This is kind of complicated but here we go: So I met this beautiful and nice girl a few days ago and we started chatting for several hours every day since. It was really flirtatious at first and was heading more into the direction of a ONS (One-Night Stand) but started becoming more intimate. Problem is, I said I don't want just want a ONS and then it's over, to which she replied she does like me but she doesn't want to hurt me because she can't maintain relationships (neither romantic nor friends). Turns out she has SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) and hasn't really left the house (except for shopping etc) for the past few years. She also gives online private lessons to high school students because of her SAD. I really do like her and want to help her at least, but she said there are just some people that like being alone for the rest of their lives more than being with others. I have no doubts that she does indeed like me, but when we thought about what we are going to do the next time we meet in person she said that she doesn't want it to be as friends nor as a date (so basically a sexual relationship only). So should Í just accept that (because there's nothing I can do to help a person who doesn't want any help) and move on or keep trying to convince her that she doesn't have to be alone for the rest of her life? P.S I have no experience with SAD so far and didn't believe it to be an actual disorder you often can't fight. Your making your life so complicated already. Why deal with a woman with this disorder. You really need to listen to her she told what she wanted and she's not going to change for you just because you like her. I am sure so many other men told her the same story. The world is tough enough with all these women with disorders and those who believe that being married still is okay to date other men for fornication and still be with their husband or separated but still married to them. I dated a woman with ADHD, I had fell for her but she got to the point where I couldn't figure out what was her deal but fellow colleague psychologist told me that she can never be who she can be with you. Still what she did one day really blew my mind as one day she was acting like she was in comatose state of mind. I said to her what's wrong with you? Your behavior is so unlike you. Told me to leave her alone, she wasn't even looking at me she looked so spaced out. She had 3 teens they all had ADHD and she said they would take me down before they would let me near their mom. Kind of terrorize me. I told her let them try too it won't work with me. LOL Edited October 7, 2017 by coolheadal
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 First of all, thank you for the reply! The problem is I dont think she sees how much damage she's doing to her life. I want to help her in the way of making her realize that there are other ways... ( I know I probably can't "cure" her SAD by myself) This may sound stupid but I think I actually have developed feelings for her because it pains me to think about moving on and ending it, not knowing what will happen to her. And I almost never develop feelings for a girl so I want to make sure I won't regret what I'm doing. It is really, really not your place to do so. You admit you know nothing about this condition. You therefore are completely ill-equipped to try to convince her how to "fight" a disorder you have zero experience with. You barely even know her. She doesn't want you to help her, OP. I know you are interested in her, but she's being very clear what this will be: FWB. If you want a girlfriend, it won't be her. 1
smackie9 Posted October 7, 2017 Posted October 7, 2017 Keep it simple.....she doesn't want to be your GF....be a man and move on.
Cobra_X Posted October 12, 2017 Posted October 12, 2017 This is kind of complicated but here we go: So I met this beautiful and nice girl a few days ago and we started chatting for several hours every day since. It was really flirtatious at first and was heading more into the direction of a ONS (One-Night Stand) but started becoming more intimate. Problem is, I said I don't want just want a ONS and then it's over, to which she replied she does like me but she doesn't want to hurt me because she can't maintain relationships (neither romantic nor friends). She wants to have sex, but no commitment or relationship. Take the deal!!! You don't need to fix her, this woman is perfect already! What is wrong with you?
Recommended Posts