Betrayed by husband

[SunshineLady]

Hi! This is my first post here. Short background: husband and I have been married for 6 years, have 3 children. My husband was emotionally abusive, neglectful, and basically not there for our children and I for 80% of those years. I stayed with him because of the short lived good times. Our relationship was like living a roller coaster ride. Things would be good (compared to the "normal") for a few weeks, then one thing would happen and start a immediate downward spiral. I was the wife who paid all of the bills, balanced the checkbook, cleaned the house, laundry, cooked, bathed the children, attended all of the school parent meetings by myself, found all of the babysitters, made all necessary appointments, and worked 30 hours a week out of the home.

 

Many times I tried to communicate with my husband that our life together was not good. He was not being a father, or a husband. He told me that I wanted to live a fairy tale life and that I needed to stop watching soap operas. I convinced him to see three separate marraige counselors (we couldn't stick with any of them because, according to him, they were quacks, and were paid to say things to keep the spouse who felt the relationship needed help coming back). He would promise to change things, never happened.

 

Fast forward to early 2005. I finally got to the point where I had enough and asked him to leave. He was gone for three days, I got weak and begged him to come back. He did. About a month later, I was back in the same bad situation with him again. I bought my own bed and moved into one of our kids' bedroom. A month after that, I left our home, with all three children. I didn't go to social services, or ask for any kind of help from him. He agreed to let me control the checking account as I always did, and he would put his paycheck in as normal. I was fortunate that I had family to stay with and didn't have to pay rent. I put my paycheck in the same bank account so the mortgage at the other house (marriage home) would be paid. I could have used the money for the children, but, stupid me was worried that he wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage without my money.

 

During our separation, he treated me worse than when I was living with him. He said I should have expected that.

 

A month and a half into the separation I received a phone call from a friend of his. He told me that my husband had been sleeping with another woman while I was gone and had her staying at our home (the one I was stupidly paying for). He also told me that my husband had had an affair 2 years prior (we were NOT separated, and our baby was 1). I was LIVID!! I called my husband to confront him. He admitted to all of it. His first affair lasted 1 1/2 months. He said he stopped because he realized it was wrong. During our separation, he was indeed sleeping with another woman, in my house, and in my bed. He invited her there, and basically played house with her.

 

After the revelation, he hit rock bottom and told me how sorry he was. He said he realized then how badly he had treated me for 7 years, and wondered why I didn't leave him sooner. He begged me for a second chance. He said that he would do whatever he needed to to be good to me for the rest of my life. He started counseling and taking medication for anxiety and depression. I told him I would try. That was one month ago. He keeps wanting to move forward, really fast. I can't do that. I am really hurt, and don't understand. He's upset because I won't love him like I did before.

 

I don't know what to do. I want a happy, peaceful life, for my kids and me. I want to be able to trust, and love. I just don't know if my husband can be who he wants to be.

 

Sorry this is so long. I could probably write a book .

[Jayhawks]

Do you really trust his behavior to change? If I were you I would go very slow and make him prove to you that he indeed wants to change. He wants things to go back to normal but he has to realize that it will take lots of time, if at all. Going to MC is a help but you still have to decide if you want him back.

You have every right to not trust him and to be angry. He had 2 affairs; one in your own house; in your own bed. Take as much time as you need to make sure this man deserves a second chance. He should not be pushing you but should be very humble that you are even trying.

 

I wish you the best...

[latesleeper]

oh, i'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. i say trust your instinct, that is, to take it slow. you have every right to be wary (and weary), and you are perhaps grieving about the lost relationship -- what you and your husband used to be before you found out about his affairs and his subsequent and ongoing effort at being a better person. you need time. and -- just my opinion -- it seems that if you and your husband were to get back together, you need to rebuild your raltionship, or perhaps build a new relationship. because it sounds like you're grieving and what you had before you don't want anymore (and who could blame you) and what you want now is what you feel you deserve, and that is, a whole lot of better treatment from a better husband.

so take your time to nourish your own self, and get your husband to take his time to become a better person, and then go from there.

just what i think. i don't know if it helps, but i just want to say that I feel you should listen to your own instincts about loving yourself.

best wishes.

[New_Wife]

The above posters have my complete agreement. Let me just add that time and his actions will tell you the truth. His words may or may not. You must be quite a woman to even consider this. My hat's off to you.

[SunshineLady]

Jay,

 

Hi! Thank you for your advice. I don't really trust anything about him right now. When he says he has to stay late at work, I don't believe him. When he doesn't answer his cell phone, I think something is going on. The worst part is, I left him BEFORE finding out about the affairs. He was an emotionally absent and neglectful man. He is not respecting me now. He keeps telling me he doesn't know what's wrong with me, or where I am going in this. I told him it's unfair for him to think everything is peachy because he admitted everything to me. See, there is another HUGE problem here. Four years ago he had a vasectomy (we were both 24), against my will. At the inital visit, I agreed with him, and signed the ok. During the two weeks before the surgery, my heart changed, and I realized that I was way too young to make a lifelong decision like that. On the day of the surgery, I begged and begged my husband not to have it done. He said, sorry, you'll realize someday that it is for the best. I was crying in the doctor's office, and again begging him not to. Obviously, he still had it done. Now, four years later, after admitting to his two affairs, while begging for me to forgive him, he told me that we would reconsider having a baby, and that he made a mistake by having the vasectomy. One week later, after moving in with me, he told me that he considered it, and that there's no way he will ever have another baby, ever. We have 2 together (3 total bc I had a child when we met), and he said that's enough. He puts numbers, monetary issues (he makes 50k a year, and I have a degree as well), and seats in a car for excuses not to have another. All of our children will be in school next year, so, the issue of having 2 babies at once would not exist. It really upsets me because I am trying to be willing to put all of the crap he put me through behind me, and he's remaining selfish.

 

 

Late,

 

Thank you for your input. Please read the above. I am willing to rebuild and forget, if he is able to be more selfless. Just doesn't seem to be happening here, and he doesn't care. He thinks I am crazy!

 

 

New_Wife,

 

Hi! I agree, words no longer mean anything to me. Not sure if I am quite a woman, or simply a stupid woman .

[RecordProducer]

A leopard doesn't change his spots. He is willing to try anything right now just to have you back in his life. But do you really need him? Do you really think that he will change now and stay like that forever? He might be good for a few months and then go back to "normal" and get even worse with years.

 

But it's your decision. Personally I would feel much better living on my own with my kids. The pain from the divorce goes away after a couple years and you feel like new. You start dating, you meet new guys, you feel like a woman again. And husbands like yours make a woman feel trapped, unwanted, unfeminine, like a servant. You owe him nothing. He owes you a lot.

 

I've been in a bad marriage for 3 years and he left me, thank god. We were different, we fought and he had this daughter from his first marriage who made me feel miserable. I didn't even realize how unhappy I was when I was married to him. I am so much better off without him. And when we split, I could finally enjoy my kids and do whatever I wanted without him standing on my head.

 

Two years after the divorce I met a man I fell in love with. He loves my children too and they adore him.

 

You may try to work on your marriage, but you will be unhappy and you have no time of your life to waste on worthless people. You can make it on your own and be happy. And maybe even re-marry some day. Hopefully you have a steady job or can find one.

 

Think about it!

[sadhubby]

yep he sounds like a cake eater..watch your back.