lostinmymind Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 My ex broke up with me because she wanted to date new people, try new things, etc. It took weeks for us to finally break up and there was a lot of heartache and tears shed from both of us. She's only 18 and young I understand that, she's got to experience life and learn. She doesn't know what else is out there. I was her first everything and I don't think she wants me to be her only as well. I've accepted it and am moving on the best that I can. We have been very distant from each other this whole summer which has allowed me to make a lot of progress. My problem is that she still wants to remain friends AND I am living right across a hallway from her next year. (I am a little resentful towards her since it was her idea in the first place to live near each other and she was soo excited until she wanted a break a month later). I know there will inevitably be some contact, so NC is not an option. What I would like to do is remain friendly and on good terms with her, but I don't want to be labeled a friend. I want to be her ex-boyfriend, not her friend. I feel like that would do two things. 1) It would ruin any possible chance of us reconciling. 2) It's just simply not what I want, I love her, and there is only one way that I want her in my life. She says she loves me as a person very much, but she doesn't want a relationship with me 'right now'. She also doesn't want to lose me in her life and that I am the greatest person she has ever known, according to her. She even said "who knows maybe someday I will realize that you are the one I really want to be with". She is a good person, she knows she is being selfish, she has admitted it herself. The only fault with how she is handling this is that she doesn't understand my pain and that this is taking time, she thinks I should be over her because she is 'over me'. Her 'feelings about us just changed'. She asked 'are we friends yet?' I just said "I've always been your friend" and that I didn't want to discuss the subject. She just said "ok". She is always hesitant to ask me to do things even. I had borrowed her family my scanner and I needed it back, I sent her a text saying this. She called me back and we arranged a time. She called me to say I could come get it, I said I would be there in a few minutes, she then said is that ok or do you want me to bring it out there? From that I know she respects my feelings even though I know she clearly doesn't understand what this is like for me. I ended up staying for over an hour and we just talked about the coming school year. The few times we have talked she NEVER mentions her new guy. EDIT: I should add that this new guy will be out of the picture this coming school year. He is moving FAR away, and she doesn't really like him enough to want a real relatoinship with him. (I heard all this through the grapevine...) This isn't giving me false hope though, I know she intends to remain single for the time being. I would walk to the ends of the earth for this girl, and I know she would still do the same for me even though we aren't together. That is just what hurts so much about it all. It's hard to end a relationship like this. I wish there was something I could be mad at her for or that she would just tell me she doesn't love me anymore and that she will never love me again, but she refuses to speculate about the future. I just wrote way too much. I need to know if anybody has been through a similar situation and how they handled it. I need practical advice based on my situation. I will be living by her and I am friends with the people she is living with. How can I handle protecting myself while still at least remaining friendly and hopefully un-awkward around her? This all just breaks my heart and I want to do what is best for both of us given the situation.
morrigan Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by lostinmymind It's just simply not what I want, I love her, and there is only one way that I want her in my life. I would be honest with your ex and tell her exactly what you said above. Ask her to respect your decision, and stop calling or visiting her. It doesn't mean you are not allowed to say a hello to her from time to time, but you are less likely to focus on your ex and what went wrong if you don't spend time with her and are with various people. Is there any possible way you could find another room, or try to find someone in another residence hall who would let you be their roommate? You and your ex will probably still have some shared friends, but it will be a lot easier for you to move on if you don't see her daily or see her with other guys. There are some people who have broken up who did manage to have a friendship, usually there's a period of time before that happens, and both people are not interested in resuming a relationship with eachother anymore. But no one should expect or demand that an ex be their friend, especially if they are aware that the ex is having a hard time moving on. If she really cares about you, she will understand why you need space of your own.
Rocko Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Hey Bro, I can see this is one of those low points (I'm in the same mood as well), and as you've known, am in a similar situation as you (although thankfully, my ex does not go to my college. However, she'll be visiting frequently because of so many friends here). Here are some of my reflections: Perhaps the women that we've come to love are not like other women. My ex was a very mature woman for her age who was very goal oriented about her life. Seeing the end of high school can really change people, especially people who are mature enough to realize that they will change in the coming years. Seeing close friends depart ways really can affect people. Perhaps they believe that it is better to allow themselves to change naturally without any strings attached. In this case, we represent strings of their past lives. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean for the time being that we are the past. Its important to sit down and rationally think this through. Our past selves are not what we are today. Look back on the time you first met her and look at yourself now. I can guarantee that you've changed, and for the better. Now look at her. Look at the time when you first met her, and look at her now. She's changed, and for the better, and you know why? Because of you. She may not know this now, but in time she will. I promise you that. It's amazing to realize the amount of love you have for your ex once she leaves the spotlight. Look at how she treated you and how she treated others. Perhaps she was more mature with you, and she just "hung loose" with her friends. This is what my ex did. I no longer grieve for what once was, and I do not ask for it back. Instead, I grieve at the thought of her leaving my life permanently. I love her far too much to allow such a catastrophic thing to happen. Look at how you treat her now. Even in breakup, you seek not only your happiness but hers as well. Take comfort in the fact that you truly love this girl. Also think about this: Lets say you were in her shoes. You're crazy for this guy who treats you like a queen while giving you all the freedom you deserve. But how do you know if he's always going to be like this? How do you know this isn't just an effect of love? That he will change over time once the pressures of the real world come and knock on his door? The answer is; you don't. And maybe thats why she's exploring. Maybe that's why she's trying to see what else is out there. Maybe she feels that dating experience will fill that void inside of her that yearns for maturity and growth. If you really care about her, you'll know that the best thing for her right now is to be free to find herself. Even if that includes dating other guys. I really feel for you when it comes to being forced to see her with other guys; I can only imagine the pain. Love isn't just about being in love with someone romantically. It's also about loving them as a person, loving their aspirations, and respecting their decisions. I think that no matter what, you'll be there for her if she needs it. And even if she cannot see it now, she will eventually realize the sheer LOVE you have for her. Love begins at the friendship level, not at the relationship level. You MUST move on in terms of looking at other girls. She MUST see that you are a strong individual. She has to see that YOU are GROWING too. Seeing her with another guy will always pull at something in your heart. I'm sorry, I just don't think there's a way out of this situation but to chin up and bear it. It sucks to say it, but only the passage of time will you come to the end of this long and painful road. Hang in there, Bro, you're not alone. If you want a quick little pick-me-up, remind yourself this: There is such a thing as right person, wrong time. - Rocko PS - Just wondering, was she your first girlfriend? Were you her first boyfriend?
Rocko Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 On a ironic sidenote, did you ever try doing the list of bad things about your ex? I could not find a single "bad" trait about my ex. That is, a trait that I did not come to love her for having.
Rocko Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by ck_guy02 Can I give you a good peice of advice.... Let her move on.... find someone new for yourself. If its meant to be you will both come together later in life. She is young and wants to experiment. You may beg, plead, and get her back with you... but she will always want to go explore and you will only end up getting hurt worse in the long run.... especially when she gets around 21-22.... Let her go... stay away from her... ignore what she is doing. Get a girl who is into you and wants to be with you and does not think of other guys..... You deserve that respect. On the whole, I think this is good advice. But I do think that you should not "search" for love. Let it find you. Searching for Love will just lead you to the same heartaches many of the other posters have on this forum. I really suggest you work on the other parts of your life, and perhaps date a little on the side. Get to know the world, experience other people's company, and let yourself grow. In 10, 20 years you will realize that exploring is much better done young and single than old and married. I've gathered that much from reading other posters, especially in the Separation and Divorced section.
fundamental Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by Rocko Hey Bro, I can see this is one of those low points (I'm in the same mood as well), and as you've known, am in a similar situation as you (although thankfully, my ex does not go to my college. However, she'll be visiting frequently because of so many friends here). Here are some of my reflections: Perhaps the women that we've come to love are not like other women. My ex was a very mature woman for her age who was very goal oriented about her life. Seeing the end of high school can really change people, especially people who are mature enough to realize that they will change in the coming years. Seeing close friends depart ways really can affect people. Perhaps they believe that it is better to allow themselves to change naturally without any strings attached. In this case, we represent strings of their past lives. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean for the time being that we are the past. Its important to sit down and rationally think this through. Our past selves are not what we are today. Look back on the time you first met her and look at yourself now. I can guarantee that you've changed, and for the better. Now look at her. Look at the time when you first met her, and look at her now. She's changed, and for the better, and you know why? Because of you. She may not know this now, but in time she will. I promise you that. It's amazing to realize the amount of love you have for your ex once she leaves the spotlight. Look at how she treated you and how she treated others. Perhaps she was more mature with you, and she just "hung loose" with her friends. This is what my ex did. I no longer grieve for what once was, and I do not ask for it back. Instead, I grieve at the thought of her leaving my life permanently. I love her far too much to allow such a catastrophic thing to happen. Look at how you treat her now. Even in breakup, you seek not only your happiness but hers as well. Take comfort in the fact that you truly love this girl. Also think about this: Lets say you were in her shoes. You're crazy for this guy who treats you like a queen while giving you all the freedom you deserve. But how do you know if he's always going to be like this? How do you know this isn't just an effect of love? That he will change over time once the pressures of the real world come and knock on his door? The answer is; you don't. And maybe thats why she's exploring. Maybe that's why she's trying to see what else is out there. Maybe she feels that dating experience will fill that void inside of her that yearns for maturity and growth. If you really care about her, you'll know that the best thing for her right now is to be free to find herself. Even if that includes dating other guys. I really feel for you when it comes to being forced to see her with other guys; I can only imagine the pain. Love isn't just about being in love with someone romantically. It's also about loving them as a person, loving their aspirations, and respecting their decisions. I think that no matter what, you'll be there for her if she needs it. And even if she cannot see it now, she will eventually realize the sheer LOVE you have for her. Love begins at the friendship level, not at the relationship level. You MUST move on in terms of looking at other girls. She MUST see that you are a strong individual. She has to see that YOU are GROWING too. Seeing her with another guy will always pull at something in your heart. I'm sorry, I just don't think there's a way out of this situation but to chin up and bear it. It sucks to say it, but only the passage of time will you come to the end of this long and painful road. Hang in there, Bro, you're not alone. If you want a quick little pick-me-up, remind yourself this: There is such a thing as right person, wrong time. - Rocko PS - Just wondering, was she your first girlfriend? Were you her first boyfriend? Good words!!!
Rocko Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 So here's my general long-term plan to deal with this situation. Maybe you'll find it useful: 1) Give her maximum space. Pull away for now, and just concentrate on your own things. No real time frame here, more like "whenever-ish." You'll probably be just an acquantaince at this stage. (Stay this way at least till first semester finishes) 2) Show her you care, be there for her when she needs it, but don't let it dominate your life as it does when you were dating. Good Acquantaince. (You'll never stop caring I'd imagine) 3) Over time, you'll grow closer to each other (I think this would only be natural). You'll most likely still have strong feelings for her, but don't show it to her in the beginning. Let it grow over time. Friends. 4) Just let the bonding continue to grow on its own. Keep concentrating on other things in your life, but let her into your inner circle again. This should happen after a significant time from now (1 - 2 years i'd estimate). Let fate do its work. By now you should at least be comfortable with the fact that she is still in your life and that the communication lines are still open. If it's meant to be it will be. Let go of the past, and concentrate on the future. If she does indeed come back, it won't be the same as what you had in high school. It will be much, MUCH better. If it's not meant to be, by that time you should have dated around enough to realize what you do / do not want. You should be emotionally stable by then. And the best part is, she's still in your life. So either way, its win/win. Its just different kinds of winning. Nice Guys Finish Last, but in the Game of Love Last is a GOOD Thing How's that for practicality?
Author lostinmymind Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 Thanks for the ideas. That is pretty much what I was thinking. It's better than hearing "just go NC and treat her like the plague". Rocko, I really appreciate your advice a lot. It seems like you actually understand my situation.
Author lostinmymind Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 On another note, my ex has been trying to insinuate that I'm not over her. I just keep acting like I am and acting like I'm just her friend. She keeps making it sound like I think I'm going to get her back right when the school year starts back up and I haven't given in to those accusations. She said the other day "I'm not going to be able to revolve my life around you you know". I just said "I never said anything about expecting you to." She's getting really frustrated it seems. It's almost as if she is mad at me! She says she wants me to move on and not be stuck on her and miss out on other opportunities, but I guess she doesn't REALLY want that to happen. I have always hated when she is mad at me, but it won't last in the long run. I always used to try and make things better, this time I'm not. She is just immature when it comes to this kind of thing I guess. I dunno how someone can be so mature at time and so immature at other times! OH NO her safety net is being pulled from under her! (At least I think that is what she is responding to.) This is a great feeling even if she is a little mad at me.
Rocko Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by lostinmymind Thanks for the ideas. That is pretty much what I was thinking. It's better than hearing "just go NC and treat her like the plague". Rocko, I really appreciate your advice a lot. It seems like you actually understand my situation. No Problem Man. Like I said, I'm going through the exact situation you're going through, and my reflections and ideas have come from two weeks of limbo; that is, the time between my school and summer job / classes. When I had nothing to do, all I could think about was her, and man, was it hell. But I'm stronger for it, and I feel like I have at least some partial control now. And I hope you feel that way too. When I read other people's posts and saw other threads I could recognize similiarities in their problems and mine but they were always "not quite close enough." Don't get me wrong, I think NC is very useful in the beginning to stop that initial "despair pain." Now If Only I'd Listen to My Own Advice
Rocko Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by lostinmymind On another note, my ex has been trying to insinuate that I'm not over her. I just keep acting like I am and acting like I'm just her friend. She keeps making it sound like I think I'm going to get her back right when the school year starts back up and I haven't given in to those accusations. She said the other day "I'm not going to be able to revolve my life around you you know". I just said "I never said anything about expecting you to." She's getting really frustrated it seems. It's almost as if she is mad at me! My ex has been giving me this same stuff as well. A few days ago I had called my ex out of request from my parents (who are very close to my ex and her parents) to see how her "move-in" day went. So I called her, stayed friendly and caring but distant, and she still had the insinuation to not believe i was calling out of respect (Yes, it DOES sound as a corny excuse, but believe me when I say its true! ) I'm thinking maybe they're just surprised we've actually let go. Perhaps this is the opposite of suffocation? Although the ups and downs are still there, I have that mental liberation that I've let go, and boy, is it a wonderful feeling. Originally posted by lostinmymind She says she wants me to move on and not be stuck on her and miss out on other opportunities, but I guess she doesn't REALLY want that to happen. I have always hated when she is mad at me, but it won't last in the long run. I always used to try and make things better, this time I'm not. She is just immature when it comes to this kind of thing I guess. I dunno how someone can be so mature at time and so immature at other times! This part has really interested me as well. My ex is EXACTLY the same way. The more I think about it, maybe these crazy women, deep down in a part of them that is changing with the addition of maturity and growth, still loves us. The important thing here is to not use them as an excuse to get a girl; not only will you be lowering your standards but you'll just end up getting into a relationship that will end like in other poster's comments. Stick to what YOU believe in, and date only if you want to. Me, I'm going to be sticking with my schoolwork for a good while. I think they're going to get a slap in the face when we do finally start dating around. I don't mean it in a mean way, but hey, pain is part of growing up, right? Originally posted by lostinmymind ...This is a great feeling even if she is a little mad at me. It's ok to feel mean now and again. It's only natural! We're human, and we have a right to express our darker side!
Author lostinmymind Posted August 16, 2005 Author Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by Rocko Stick to what YOU believe in, and date only if you want to. Me, I'm going to be sticking with my schoolwork for a good while. Exactly what I am going to do. This summer has been horrible for me, no school, no job, just friends and sitting around. I've had TOO much time to think about her. Schoolwork is VERY welcome. My classes are going to consume my life no matter what next year. Maybe not having a girlfriend will be a blessing...haha I'm not really planning on 'dating', I'll just keep my eyes open and get to know as many new people as possible. She always calls me or IMs me. Not too often, but maybe once a week she'll call. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't. I think she always ends up dissapointed. It's like part of her wants me to beg and plead like I did for so long at first. Oh well, not gonna do it. I'm not going to be the one to fill in for whatever her new guy isn't giving her. He's a bit of an idiot and not very deep, but that's what she chose! She can make her decisions and I will make mine. I'm going to make the best of my situation next year. I know I won't ever 'lose' her in my life, she for sure doesn't want me gone, so I'm not going to worry about being distant for awhile. I look at it this way: By facing this head-on I am making myself a better and stronger person. It's hard, but it's my sole option right now. I can't run away from this and delete her from my life, it's not what I want and it's not what she wants. This really is bigger than her just not wanting me anymore, this is about helping ourselves individually. No matter what I'll always love her. It's all about self-sacrifice it really does make you feel better.
Rocko Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Originally posted by lostinmymind Exactly what I am going to do. This summer has been horrible for me, no school, no job, just friends and sitting around. I've had TOO much time to think about her. Schoolwork is VERY welcome. My classes are going to consume my life no matter what next year. Maybe not having a girlfriend will be a blessing...haha I'm not really planning on 'dating', I'll just keep my eyes open and get to know as many new people as possible. You'll have a ton more time for other things, let me tell you that! Originally posted by lostinmymind She always calls me or IMs me. Not too often, but maybe once a week she'll call. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't. I think she always ends up dissapointed. It's like part of her wants me to beg and plead like I did for so long at first. Oh well, not gonna do it. I'm not going to be the one to fill in for whatever her new guy isn't giving her. He's a bit of an idiot and not very deep, but that's what she chose! She can make her decisions and I will make mine. Same here, although let me tell you now that my ex has already moved into college and that freedom will probably keep her busy so don't expect those calls to be coming every week. I remember seeing in another post about you believing women learn through experience and men learn on their own. Well, my experiences so far concur with that theory! EDIT : I forgot that she lives 15 feet from you Originally posted by lostinmymind I'm going to make the best of my situation next year. I know I won't ever 'lose' her in my life, she for sure doesn't want me gone, so I'm not going to worry about being distant for awhile. Same here, and I'm very happy because of it. Originally posted by lostinmymind I look at it this way: By facing this head-on I am making myself a better and stronger person. It's hard, but it's my sole option right now. I can't run away from this and delete her from my life, it's not what I want and it's not what she wants. This really is bigger than her just not wanting me anymore, this is about helping ourselves individually. No matter what I'll always love her. It's all about self-sacrifice it really does make you feel better. Once again, you've hit it right on the dot, and I applaud you for realizing this! One other thing that I've been thinking about...between now and the time we allow them back into our lives as friends we need to forgive them. We've let go, yes, but right now I'm thinking we're both in that stage where we're still "ex-boyfriends." There eventually needs to be a point where we are not known to other people as "ex-boyfriends," but as "friends." Its not going to happen for a while, but I'm sure it will happen someday. I keep checking the Seperated and Divorced forums and I read about so many marriages on the rocks because one of the partners felt like they were missing out on something. If you're feeling low I suggest you read some of them. It really helped me gain a third perspective on all this. And yes, the self-sacrifice really does make me feel good. I feel like I'm on top of the world!
Rocko Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 So this coming semester I embrace my singleness. Just got invited to rush with some people and I think I'll take it up. It'll allow me to meet new people and experience new things. Just tossing this suggestion in the pot of "things i should do while I'm single and in college."
Ty Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 She also doesn't want to lose me in her life and that I am the greatest person she has ever known, according to her. She even said "who knows maybe someday I will realize that you are the one I really want to be with". my ex tried to use this line on me.. who is she to be talking down to you.. that someday she might realize that she wants to be with you, and you'll be sitting right there waiting to take her back. Take this girl off her pedastal. She is your ex... beneath you now, thats the way you have to look at it. I know it hurts like hell. Do things to get your mind off it. work out exercise focus on school/work surround yourself with other female company. You both are young and need to experiance life. I'd go NC.
Candy Cane Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 As a woman, Rocko's advice wouldn't work for me. Personally, I'd be more impressed with you if you stated your ground and didn't sway. I might test that a few times, but so long as you remained firm, I'd learn to respect you. I'd know that you cared but that you weren't going to be messed with or accept anything less than a mature relationship. Certainly, every woman is different, but I think she already knows that you will be there for her. What she doesn't know is how much respect you are going to demand from her. IMHO
Rocko Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 Originally posted by Candy Cane As a woman, Rocko's advice wouldn't work for me. Personally, I'd be more impressed with you if you stated your ground and didn't sway. I might test that a few times, but so long as you remained firm, I'd learn to respect you. I'd know that you cared but that you weren't going to be messed with or accept anything less than a mature relationship. Certainly, every woman is different, but I think she already knows that you will be there for her. What she doesn't know is how much respect you are going to demand from her. IMHO Good Advice! I myself have been following both a combination of my own advice and what you've said. I stay at a distance, keep my emotions neutral when talking to her, but I know for sure she knows I care for her. This has allowed me to have some control of the situation, which has made me feel MUCH better. I had clumped this with the "acquaintance" step. Apologies on not expanding more in detail.
Author lostinmymind Posted August 26, 2005 Author Posted August 26, 2005 Originally posted by Ty my ex tried to use this line on me.. who is she to be talking down to you.. that someday she might realize that she wants to be with you, and you'll be sitting right there waiting to take her back. Take this girl off her pedastal. She is your ex... beneath you now, thats the way you have to look at it. I know it hurts like hell. Do things to get your mind off it. work out exercise focus on school/work surround yourself with other female company. You both are young and need to experiance life. I'd go NC. I don't necessarily know if she means it that way. She has expressed that this all might be a huge mistake on her part. She wants me to experience other things too, she has expressed that she wants me to go try new things. It's more of a "if we should be together we will be together" kind of thing. Whatever. NC is not possible in my situation (not going to explain), otherwise I might consider it. I'm actually doing really good right now. I'm over the loss, I still am not over her, but I'm at peace and I'm fine with what I have in my life currently. I won't focus on what I don't have. Lately I've really been showing her her boundries. I haven't called her. I was at a party that she was at the other night. We both ended up sleeping over at the house (as well as a bunch of other people). She kept hanging on me and flirting, I just pushed her away or gave her no attention. I would never give her the satisfaction of flirting back or giving her affection. She surrendered that along with our relationship. My life is pretty uncertain right now, but I'm comfortable with it. Somehow in just the last few weeks I have adopted the attitude of being care-free and that whatever happens happens.
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