oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 Ok, this is something that I've never had to deal with and I am not sure how to take this. Since college, I've been in a few relationships in which the guy and I spend the night together (ranging from occasionally to every night, depending on the length and intensity of the relationship). Well, I've known this guy for over a year, and we've been dating exclusively for about two months. He has flat out told me that he doesn't enjoy sleeping with girls (and I mean actually sleeping, not having sex. He has no problem with the latter). He said it was a source of contention with his ex also (that she wanted him to spend the night but he refused). Well it's been bothering me this entire time and I often wonder what does he think he's going to do? Eventually get married to someone who's cool with having separate bedrooms or what? Anyway, last night we got home two hours later than anticipated after a trip out-of-town because of traffic. He was driving because's he's the night owl, and I'm a morning person, and it was 1:30 am. I had picked him up before we left on our mini-trip (which also meant I had to drop him off and then continue driving home which is another 20 minutes in the car), and I just didn't think I was safe for me to be driving until 2 in the morning. He absolutely got pissed off because I was too tired to drive home and thought it best to spend the night. The really stupid thing is that I had to be back in his area (he lives on campus) the next morning for class, yet he wanted me to drive home and then turn around and drive back the next morning, when to me it made more sense for me just to sleep there. Has anyone else ever been in this same boat? It's like he has some sort of split personality. Most times he's very cuddly and nice and other times he's void of emotion and hurtful. It didn't even seem to phase him that all the stuff he was verbally hurling at me last night made me cry. I could maybe understand this behavior if he was a long-time bachelor in his forties or fifties, stuck in his ways, but that's not the case. He's in his twenties. What's the deal? Any suggestions on how to proceed or deal with this? Any similar stories?
seahorse Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 Well, he certainly has some issues with sleeping with girls! Have you asked him what it is exactly that he doesn't like? You are right that he will need to sort it out before marriage or long term relationship. Maybe he snores, or sweats a lot in bed, or has bad wind in his sleep lol, and his previous gf objected and gave him a complex. The whole thing is obviously causing a problem in your relationship, and so it needs to be talked over whether he wants to or not. I suggest you sit him down and explain how you feel. No accusations or argument if you can possibly help it. Putting him on the defensive will get you nowhere I feel.
Outcast Posted August 15, 2005 Posted August 15, 2005 Well if he didn't want you to sleep with him couldn't you sleep on a couch or the floor or something? Be very careful with this guy. I once knew someone who would take a girl home after dates and then drink. He needed her to be gone so he could get drunk without her around.
RecordProducer Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 ALL the guys I know don't like sleeping with women they are not serious with. I am not saying that's the case with your guy, but you should re-evaluate his behavior and figure out if he is really that much into you. Smiles, dinners, good sex, and talks are not always reliable signs that the guy is in love.
NYCmitch25 Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 Call me, I'll come over and cuddle.... thats the best part! :-)
Author oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 I don't know if anyone really cares for an update, but I'm bored so here it is. Well we talked about it again, and the common recurring theme is that he can't sleep when someone is next to him. He says that sleep is very important to him, but that when he's lying next to someone, he stays up all night (and then is crabby the next day, which I can vouch for). I guess he's just a very light sleeper. I don't know what that's like; I could sleep through a hail storm in a house with a tin roof. Anyway, I know it's not the alcohol thing. He doesn't drink at all. It's also not the "not serious" thing. He says that he likes being close to me at night and that part of sleeping over is enjoyable to him, he just wishes he could actually fall asleep. (Part of that is probably because I'm a bed hog. Well that and the fact that he has a twin bed). As for sleeping on the floor or couch- the only other piece of furniture in his apartment upon which to sit is a plastic office chair. The floors aren't carpeted either But since talking, he has made a bigger effort to stay over. We slept together three times last week. The problem was that he and I had differing ideas of how many times per week we slept together. He claimed we were already spending 2-3 nights a week together, when actually the number was really once a week (and I felt like I had to pull teeth to get that one day). This week he spent the night Sunday, and we're taking a mini-trip tomorrow, so we'll also be spending Thur. , Fri, and Sat together. I'm a bit worried that he is going to be in a bad mood during the trip because he'll be sleep deprived. Perhaps he will have to get a roll-away bed.
Art_Critic Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by oh_what_am_I_doing I don't know if anyone really cares for an update, but I'm bored so here it is. Well we talked about it again, and the common recurring theme is that he can't sleep when someone is next to him. He says that sleep is very important to him, but that when he's lying next to someone, he stays up all night (and then is crabby the next day, which I can vouch for). I guess he's just a very light sleeper. I don't know what that's like; I could sleep through a hail storm in a house with a tin roof. Anyway, I know it's not the alcohol thing. He doesn't drink at all. It's also not the "not serious" thing. He says that he likes being close to me at night and that part of sleeping over is enjoyable to him, he just wishes he could actually fall asleep. (Part of that is probably because I'm a bed hog. Well that and the fact that he has a twin bed). As for sleeping on the floor or couch- the only other piece of furniture in his apartment upon which to sit is a plastic office chair. The floors aren't carpeted either But since talking, he has made a bigger effort to stay over. We slept together three times last week. The problem was that he and I had differing ideas of how many times per week we slept together. He claimed we were already spending 2-3 nights a week together, when actually the number was really once a week (and I felt like I had to pull teeth to get that one day). This week he spent the night Sunday, and we're taking a mini-trip tomorrow, so we'll also be spending Thur. , Fri, and Sat together. I'm a bit worried that he is going to be in a bad mood during the trip because he'll be sleep deprived. Perhaps he will have to get a roll-away bed. That is very Odd ... There seems to be something you are not seeing maybe .. If it's not alcohol what is it about his life that he feels he is missing if he sleeps with you ?? No.. Its not that his sleep is soooo important to him .. That.. was an excuse
Jolene Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Eventually get married to someone who's cool with having separate bedrooms or what? I think it would be very presumptuous on your part to think that he is thinking of anything but sleeping "alone" for the rest of his life ... or at least not with you. How long are you willing to sit there and eat ****? Cause that's what he's dealing, and that's what you're taking in... Possible issues.... severe intimacy issues, you're not the one, he is married/has a girlfriend, he is pining still for his ex who still comes over once in awhile or unexpectedly, he is in a long-term relationship and needs to make phone calls to his real love interest at night, he is a drug addict, he is an alcoholic, he has ulcerative colitis and doesn't want you to hear him having episodes of diarrhea, he lives with his mother, he snores uncontrollably, he has recurrent nightmares, he is a selfish prick! Take your pick and move on.
JS17 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 It sounds to me like he's making an effort. It doesn't sound like you two have the optimal sleeping facilities either. Have you thought about getting a King size bed? As someone who has trouble sleeping I feel his pain. One of my ex boyfriends would snore loud enough to hear it in China and there were many nights when he would wake up to find me sleeping on the couch. Having difficulties sleeping is a bigger problem than you give it credit for. Of course there is the possibility of some other issue being out there but think about getting a couch and/or larger bed.
Jolene Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Having difficulties sleeping is a bigger problem than you give it credit for. Especially if you have bladder problems and regularly pee the bed. But even if the problem is as simple as snoring, it is a big problem for some. For me, I am soooooo lucky because my bf doesn't make any noise when we sleep. My exhusband was a snoring cow, and I suffered back problems from sleeping on the couch.....an inevitable dealbreaker all in all!!!
Author oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by Jolene I think it would be very presumptuous on your part to think that he is thinking of anything but sleeping "alone" for the rest of his life ... or at least not with you. I used the word "someone" regarding marriage, not "me" first of all. Secondly, he has already stated on several occasions that he does want to have a wife and family someday. His father had sleep apnea and had to sleep hooked up to a machine to help him breathe. (I just found this out the other day). He and his wife slept in separate bedrooms. Perhaps that's why my SO thinks it's normal to sleep apart. severe intimacy issues, you're not the one, he is married/has a girlfriend, he is pining still for his ex who still comes over once in awhile or unexpectedly, he is in a long-term relationship and needs to make phone calls to his real love interest at night, he is a drug addict, he is an alcoholic, he has ulcerative colitis and doesn't want you to hear him having episodes of diarrhea, he lives with his mother, he snores uncontrollably, he has recurrent nightmares, he is a selfish prick! Well he's certainly not married and doesn't have a girlfriend, so that's not it. There is no way in the world he could have time for that. I am with him every day from the time he wakes up until late at night- usually somewhere between 11 and 2 am is when we say goodnight. (that will be changing once school starts, however the whole summer has been that way). His exes all live 1000 miles away, so they're not coming over for booty calls either. He isn't into drugs or alcohol at all- he wouldn't even drink one beer my brother gave him the other day. He accepted because of peer pressure I guess- everyone else was drinking, but he just held it and never even opened it. He has an extremely strained relationship with his mother, and certainly doesn't live with her. He lives alone in a graduate school apartment complex on campus (which is why he can't have a king size bed or any size bed except the twin which the university provides or a couch or anything along those lines). He doesn't snore at all, because like I said we do sleep together once or twice a week, and the only dreams he usually has are sex dreams. Why can't it just be that he's a light sleeper and I keep him up all night?
Jolene Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Why can't it just be that he's a light sleeper and I keep him up all night? Maybe it is In that case, there's hope because gradually, I think he could get used to you being there. I am a light sleeper and used to think it was impossible until I met my current SO. I got used to him pretty quickly. Also, I think it would suffice to say that there have even been articles written about studies that prove that while couples who sleep together usually tend to have more restless sleep, the emotional satisfaction and level of happiness from their physical closeness and initimacy outweigh the symptoms of their sleep deprivation, if any. How's that for waffling?
Author oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 Yeah, I am hopeful that he will adjust and get used to sleeping with me. I just hope that a couple times a week is enough for him to get used to it (if he does in fact get used to it, that is) because it is really important to me. I think he realizes that now and is making a more concerted effort. Posted by Jolene: "Also, I think it would suffice to say that there have even been articles written about studies that prove that while couples who sleep together usually tend to have more restless sleep, the emotional satisfaction and level of happiness from their physical closeness and initimacy outweigh the symptoms of their sleep deprivation, if any." Well I'll have to tell him about those studies! He's all about the academia and would probably read them in his spare time (when he's not working on his thesis!). Once he even came with me to class and did the reading assignment with me the night before, so that he could participate in the class discussion.
Groovy Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 I can relate to your BF. I am engaged and love my man. But he tosses and snores, I wake up with bags. I am dealing with it because he loves being in bed with me and likes to have me close. I figure it takes time. I reollect being nervous around guys I dated before him because I grind my teeth and wear a bite plate at night. Thank god my fiance thinks it's all adorable!
RecordProducer Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by oh_what_am_I_doing He says that sleep is very important to him, but that when he's lying next to someone, he stays up all night (and then is crabby the next day, which I can vouch for). Sorry, but sounds like BS to me. Unless, as Jolene said, he has bladder problems and regularly pees the bed.
seahorse Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Thanks for coming back to update us. I was wondering what the outcome of your post was. It is likely that he is telling the truth and that he just doesn't sleep well when with someone else. Not having had good role models for couples sleeping together possibly hasn't helped either, as you say his parents sleep/slept apart. I know for sure that I don't sleep so well when I'm with my bf, he gets very hot in bed, but still likes to wrap himself arond me - and I end up on the edge of the bed trying to keep cool! I always open the window wide before even getting into bed lol. However, I like the intimacy of a double bed, and would never want to sleep away from him from choice. Thank goodness he doesn't snore though! i do think as you spend more nights together, especially several nights in a row, he will get used to you being beside him. Try to give him some space and not squash up to him too much till he's happy to sleep beside you with no more complaints!
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