odetothegalaxy Posted October 5, 2017 Posted October 5, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I'm in love with him, to my core. I have never been in love before. When I met him he had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship and he rushed into things with me. 8 months into our relationship he admitted that in the first few days of us being together he had cheated on me with his ex girlfriend...He told me he didn't know what he had at the time because he barely knew me and still loved her, but that it killed him inside because over time he fell really deeply in love with me... I forgave him because I love him and I wouldn't want to throw everything away over something like that, especially because we have gotten so close and we have an unreal connection that I don't share with anyone else. He said he regrets it and that it haunts him every day. It haunts me every day too. It broke my heart, almost to the point where I felt traumatized. Sometimes it's hard for me to cope... I am always living in fear of him hurting me again. We have moved past it for the most part but the lingering fear and suspicion won't go away. My trust has been seriously damaged and while I want to believe he won't hurt me again I live in constant fear of it. I'm always convincing myself of the worst and worrying that he is cheating on me. I mean I went 8 months without even knowing he cheated to begin with. We have an unreal, best friend, soulmate type of bond now I just wish I could let go of that one little detail of our past. We have been through a lot together, I just want to trust him again. I try so hard to but sometimes my gut just tells me not to. How can I move past what happened to me? Our relationship is a completely different dynamic now. I want to spend my life with him but in order to do that I have to let this go.
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2017 Posted October 5, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. It's only 1,5 year dating. You are not married, you don't have children and any common assets. Spare yourself from a life time of feeling betrayed. Break up and move on to a better man. You will be just fine. Here are the statistics. Among cheating couples 50% of them will chose to stay together. Among those that decide to stay together only 10% will make it long term. 3
harrybrown Posted October 5, 2017 Posted October 5, 2017 has he stopped all contact with the ex? would he be willing to go to counseling with you? have you discussed your fears with him? He would not like it if you were with some other guy. read about affair recovery online. You can find several helps there when you google this. Hope this helps.
Author odetothegalaxy Posted October 5, 2017 Author Posted October 5, 2017 has he stopped all contact with the ex? would he be willing to go to counseling with you? have you discussed your fears with him? He would not like it if you were with some other guy. read about affair recovery online. You can find several helps there when you google this. Hope this helps. He stopped all contact with her a long time ago. She was psycho and abusive and tried to sabotage our relationship left and right. He knows that I still fear it and does everything he can to reassure me it could never happen again. the truth is we have a much different relationship now than we did back then. I've considered asking him about counseling but I'm scared he will start to think we shouldn't be together if I feel like we need counseling. It's made us stronger in some ways but it has made me very insecure as well.
olivetree Posted October 5, 2017 Posted October 5, 2017 A relationship that started with cheating would be ruined for me. I would not be able to get over it and ever move on and I accept that limitation in myself. I don't think the anxiety and paranoia is worth it for anyone, no matter how much you love them. You shouldn't fear him thinking you shouldn't be together if you ask him for counselling. Totally backwards. He should fear losing you because he cheated on you. 1
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2017 Posted October 5, 2017 He stopped all contact with her a long time ago. She was psycho and abusive and tried to sabotage our relationship left and right. He knows that I still fear it and does everything he can to reassure me it could never happen again. the truth is we have a much different relationship now than we did back then. I've considered asking him about counseling but I'm scared he will start to think we shouldn't be together if I feel like we need counseling. It's made us stronger in some ways but it has made me very insecure as well. People that date for a short time, like you, do not go to counseling. When a betrayal of that magnitude happens they break up. Counseling is for married couples that have children and actually have a lot to lose. You have nothing to lose and your life and sanity to get back if you break up with him. No matter how a good job you do at gluing back together a vase, it will always be a broken vase. He broke something that cannot be put back together. 6
Author odetothegalaxy Posted October 5, 2017 Author Posted October 5, 2017 (edited) People that date for a short time, like you, do not go to counseling. When a betrayal of that magnitude happens they break up. Counseling is for married couples that have children and actually have a lot to lose. You have nothing to lose and your life and sanity to get back if you break up with him. No matter how a good job you do at gluing back together a vase, it will always be a broken vase. He broke something that cannot be put back together. For the record, you're a stranger and you don't know my relationship or what we would have to lose by breaking up. We have built our lives around each other. We live together, have pets together, I moved an hour and a half from home to be with him and started my career in a new city where he is all I have. Also, I would risk losing my VERY best friend in the world. Like I said our relationship has a completely different dynamic now. I have already decided I am NOT going to leave him- and I don't think our relationship is totally damaged because it has made us stronger in a lot of ways. It's just putting it behind me, that's what I am asking for advice on. He wasn't in love with me when this happened. He is now. Things change. I don't mean this to be rude, you just aren't giving me the advice I'm looking for and I don't want to be told to just leave him... Edited October 5, 2017 by odetothegalaxy
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2017 Posted October 5, 2017 For the record, you're a stranger and you don't know my relationship or what we would have to lose by breaking up. We have built our lives around each other. We live together, have pets together, I moved an hour and a half from home to be with him and started my career in a new city where he is all I have. Also, I would risk losing my VERY best friend in the world. Like I said our relationship has a completely different dynamic now. I have already decided I am NOT going to leave him- and I don't think our relationship is totally damaged because it has made us stronger in a lot of ways. It's just putting it behind me, that's what I am asking for advice on. He wasn't in love with me when this happened. He is now. Things change. Listen, 1,5 year is nothing. It's 18 months of your life, it's a drop in the ocean. The fact he was not in love with you yet does not excuse his actions. You were in an exclusive relationship or not?
Author odetothegalaxy Posted October 5, 2017 Author Posted October 5, 2017 Listen, 1,5 year is nothing. It's 18 months of your life, it's a drop in the ocean. The fact he was not in love with you yet does not excuse his actions. You were in an exclusive relationship or not? We had met literally a few days prior. He made a mistake by rushing into things with me and I made a mistake by falling in love too fast wth someone who hadn't moved on from his past yet. Of course it doesn't excuse his actions. My heart still hurts every day. I just feel like he is worth it. Something in my heart is telling me not to give up on him. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. It would be stupid for me to throw away everything we have together and how much we have grown together over a mistake he made when we had only known each other for less than a week. We certainly shouldn't have rushed things, but what we have built since then is way too special to throw away. I don't care if it's 18 months or 18 years.
Author odetothegalaxy Posted October 5, 2017 Author Posted October 5, 2017 How did you learn this? He told me. It was very emotional. We were both sobbing. I think he even seemed more upset than I was... I was shocked. I respected that he was straight up with me too.
in_patient Posted October 5, 2017 Posted October 5, 2017 He told me. It was very emotional. We were both sobbing. I think he even seemed more upset than I was... I was shocked. I respected that he was straight up with me too. Well, he wasn't straight up with you, was he? It took him 8 months to tell you.
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2017 Posted October 5, 2017 He did not tell you to be honest. If he was that type of honest man he would have told you right away not 8 months later when it was gonne break your heart. He told you because he could not live with himself anymore. Easing his guilt was more important than saving your heart. Personnally l would have prefered to never have known l was cheated on 1 week in. It's irrelevant and telling me only served to hurt me. 1
Author odetothegalaxy Posted October 5, 2017 Author Posted October 5, 2017 He did not tell you to be honest. If he was that type of honest man he would have told you right away not 8 months later when it was gonne break your heart. He told you because he could not live with himself anymore. Easing his guilt was more important than saving your heart. Personnally l would have prefered to never have known l was cheated on 1 week in. It's irrelevant and telling me only served to hurt me. To be honest with you I feel the same way. i REALLY wish he never told me. I never felt like this before I knew. I hate that my trust was damaged and that I constantly compare myself to a woman who isn't even in his life anymore.
momonthego Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 I’m sorry that this has happened to you. If you want to be with him, you have to choose to forgive and let it go. It doesn’t mean you won’t remember the hurt or pain, but you are choosing to move pass it. Some will say if he did it once, what’s to say he won’t do it again? If he seems truly sorry for what he did, than its up to you if you want to stay with him. No one is perfect and I’m not excusing what he did but its possible it was a horrible mistake or its possible that if the opportunity comes around again, he may fall into the trap again. Each day you have to choose to wake up and say “I forgive him for what he did and I’m not going to let this incident keep me in bondage.” Release the negative emotions associated with this incident and choose to enjoy every moment with him.
staggerlee71 Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 I have to be honest here. Him sleeping with his ex a few DAYS after meeting you, I don't consider cheating. Until you guys declared exclusivity, there is no cheating. now, don't confuse your feelings, and his, NOW, for what happened then. Its was such a transition. I'm not a cheater. Ive been in the position where I was on a break(ross rach), and slept with a women. we got back together and I told her. not to hurt her but for transparency. that's what this feels like. the guy probably has strong feelings, it doesn't mean a damn thing to him, but he wanted you to know, which was probably stupid but with good intentions. you say he is doing everything to prove himself. let him continue, enjoy his effort and love. just remember, this guy or the next, you cant control if they decide to stray. strayers have nothing to do with you. neither does this.
coolheadal Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 A relationship that started with cheating would be ruined for me. I would not be able to get over it and ever move on and I accept that limitation in myself. I don't think the anxiety and paranoia is worth it for anyone, no matter how much you love them. You shouldn't fear him thinking you shouldn't be together if you ask him for counselling. Totally backwards. He should fear losing you because he cheated on you. I totally agree with this statement, because I've been cheated on twice, once with the Ex-Wife (that's way we're ExDL = Divorced Legally) Second was ExGF first one after the Ex-Wife. The cheats will always cheat no matter how much your try to think otherwise. They can't help not to cheat, but they still do, but there is no way I would consider overlooking that or giving them second chance.
coolheadal Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I'm in love with him, to my core. I have never been in love before. When I met him he had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship and he rushed into things with me. 8 months into our relationship he admitted that in the first few days of us being together he had cheated on me with his ex girlfriend...He told me he didn't know what he had at the time because he barely knew me and still loved her, but that it killed him inside because over time he fell really deeply in love with me... I forgave him because I love him and I wouldn't want to throw everything away over something like that, especially because we have gotten so close and we have an unreal connection that I don't share with anyone else. He said he regrets it and that it haunts him every day. It haunts me every day too. It broke my heart, almost to the point where I felt traumatized. Sometimes it's hard for me to cope... I am always living in fear of him hurting me again. We have moved past it for the most part but the lingering fear and suspicion won't go away. My trust has been seriously damaged and while I want to believe he won't hurt me again I live in constant fear of it. I'm always convincing myself of the worst and worrying that he is cheating on me. I mean I went 8 months without even knowing he cheated to begin with. We have an unreal, best friend, soulmate type of bond now I just wish I could let go of that one little detail of our past. We have been through a lot together, I just want to trust him again. I try so hard to but sometimes my gut just tells me not to. How can I move past what happened to me? Our relationship is a completely different dynamic now. I want to spend my life with him but in order to do that I have to let this go. Your gut is what you should follow my dear, he has broken your trust, sure you can overlook that but still you know what he did and that can never change. He did because he could and he lied to you on top of the Physical(body contact cheating (sex).. Anyway it's your life you want to hold on to him, but it happens again you have to break it off with him. He can tell you whatever you want to hear. Cheaters love to lie to the woman they have cheated on. So you allow him to cheat and still be with you otherwise. The thought of this brings back I had gone through. I strong today so I will not be effected.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 It doesn’t matter how one dices it, exclusive or not, aid someone you’re dating continues to have sex with an ex or someone else and hides it, he is acting in an effort to deceive and undermine. Also, I seriously doubt, after 8 months in, that it was a one time thing. Why, at 8 months(?), did he decide to open up? Could it be that his efforts to get back with the ex ended about then? Perhaps he was being preemptive? Anyway, asking total strangers about ‘how’ to forgive will likely bear little fruit. You don’t trust him and you cannot simply turn that off.
staggerlee71 Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 I must live a fantasy world. I could never imagine going on a first date on wed, and then clearing the deck thursday because of what might be. I would continue on dating and sleeping with whoever I want until some sort of relationship and discussion happens, which would take a while, or atleast until I slept with the women I'm interested in pursuing. shes just pissed there was cross over. did you sleep with him and then he went and slept with her?
Raena Posted October 11, 2017 Posted October 11, 2017 If you had "literally just met a few days prior" then how is this considered cheating? Did you decide to be exclusive the very first moment you met? Did you sleep with him the first day you met? I don't get how this is cheating or why there is so much drama revolving around it. One thing that stands out to me is that you say you have forgiven him, but you really haven't. You are obsessively thinking about this and overreacting, and so was he too to be honest. Sobbing because he slept with someone when he was still single and not exclusive with you yet? That seems a bit extreme. Either way, if you truly want to stay with him, you'll have to let it go. If you can't, you are dooming this relationship. FWIW, my ex was the same way when we met. It was an extreme instant attraction that felt like no other relationship I'd ever had. I've figured out since that this is how he is with EVERY woman he dates. And he also sobbed to me about a mistake he had made when we first met. In the end, he cheated multiple more times and now I get to sit back and watch him do the same thing to other women over and over again. If your gut is saying that this isn't going to work, maybe you should trust it. I wish I had. 1
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