Can't a relationship progress without games? Straightforward equals needy?

[justwondering_xoxo]

I'm so tired of my boyfriend's behaviour. I am afraid I have become neeedy and clingy. We have been together for 8 months now and he has moved to another city a few days back.

 

Some days he'll call me twenty times a day (and it is annoying since it disrupts what I'm doing but I don't want to be rude to him and ignore calls) and other days-like today- ignore me the entire day. Such days, I try to keep my distance too, because he is probably busy, and I don't want to come across as needy.

But honestly I do feel lonely right now. His behaviour is beginning to affect me. I can't get my mind off this. Well I am on this forum right now instead of studying for an exam I have coming up!

 

Anyhow It is like I am always available to him, but I can never reach him when I want to.

 

I feel like just being straight to him and telling him how I feel about not being given enough attention or things being one sided. But no sooner than I think of saying it, I understand it sounds ridiculous. And I do keep hearing and reading how such behaviour will just make you look like needy and unattractive and drive the other person away.

 

Is there any way around this ?

 

Thanks so much.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I'm so tired of my boyfriend's behaviour. I am afraid I have become needy and clingy. We have been together for eight months now, and he has moved to another city a few days back.

 

Some days he'll call me twenty times a day (and it is annoying since it disrupts what I'm doing, but I don't want to be rude to him and ignore calls) and other days-like today- ignore me the entire day. Such days, I try to keep my distance too, because he is probably busy, and I don't want to come across as needy.

But honestly, I do feel lonely right now. His behaviour is beginning to affect me. I can't get my mind off this. Well, I am on this forum right now instead of studying for an exam I have coming up!

 

Anyhow It is like I am always available to him, but I can never reach him when I want to.

 

I feel like just being straight to him and telling him how I feel about not being given enough attention or things being one sided. But no sooner than I think of saying it, I understand it sounds ridiculous. And I do keep hearing and reading how such behaviour will just make you look like needy and unattractive and drive the other person away.

 

Is there any way around this?

 

Thanks so much.

 

Hey hon,

This is my opinion so, please only take it as such.

You have every right to want a man that :

A.) Communicates with you consistently

B.) Opens up to you emotionally

C.) And shows constant loyalty, love and care

 

Are his actions consistent? Do his words match his actions and does he show intentional consideration towards you?

 

I was always told not to convey too much neediness by asking my boyfriend where I stood with him. Which is ridiculous, I had every right to know if he wanted a commitment with me rather than a "let's see what happens" I'm worth more than that. So are you.

 

People are told by letting your guard down you're acting too needy, by expecting more consistency, you're acting too needy, by being honest about who you are and your feelings you're too needy.

 

You teach a grown men how to treat you by what you tolerating. I wouldn't let this dope affect your study anymore. By condoning his behaviour, you are.

 

You deserve better hunny

[justwondering_xoxo]

Hey hon,

This is my opinion so, please only take it as such.

You have every right to want a man that :

A.) Communicates with you consistently

B.) Opens up to you emotionally

C.) And shows constant loyalty, love and care

 

Are his actions consistent? Do his words match his actions and does he show intentional consideration towards you?

 

I was always told not to convey too much neediness by asking my boyfriend where I stood with him. Which is ridiculous, I had every right to know if he wanted a commitment with me rather than a "let's see what happens" I'm worth more than that. So are you.

 

People are told by letting your guard down you're acting too needy, by expecting more consistency, you're acting too needy, by being honest about who you are and your feelings you're too needy.

 

You teach a grown men how to treat you by what you tolerating. I wouldn't let this dope affect your study anymore. By condoning his behaviour, you are.

 

You deserve better hunny

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to type this out and for your useful insight. You've accurately described things I couldn't put in words.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Thank you so much for taking the time to type this out and for your useful insight. You've accurately described things I couldn't put into words.

 

Hindsight and personal experience are beautiful things. They sometimes mean we have to get hurt to gain them. Which is unfair, but ironically necessary if we want to influence and advise others. Sometimes women especially are socially conditioned to tolerate bad behaviour from the men they're in relationships with and expect very little in return. Which completely erodes our self-esteem and core values. I don't know who is your positive role models or mentors in your life, but if you were my young daughter or little sister, I would tell you to end a relationship where you feel your self-esteem is affected and your ambitions are also in jeopardy they shod NEVER be.

[d0nnivain]

Asking for what you want in a relationship is not needy. It's mature.

 

You need to set expectations. Anybody who called me 20x per day would annoy the crap out of me. This hot cold business is game playing.

 

Set real expectations. Say you'd like some good morning texts & a good night phone call with weekend dates. You are not saying you "need" that or that the relationship is over or you are going to pester him if you don't get it. Ask what frequency would make him most comfortable. Reach a compromise.

[The Urbanyst]

Tell him what kind of relationship you want to have with him.

 

If he is not on the same page.. find someone who is.

[Gaeta]

I feel like just being straight to him and telling him how I feel about not being given enough attention or things being one sided. But no sooner than I think of saying it, I understand it sounds ridiculous. And I do keep hearing and reading how such behaviour will just make you look like needy and unattractive and drive the other person away.

 

Is there any way around this ?

 

Stating what your relationship needs are is not being cligny. It's called communicating and setting boundaries.

 

Your solution on the other end is pretty destructive. It's called acting like a door-mat, not communicating, accumulating frustrations that will eventually lead to a big blow up and probably to a break up.

 

Now, if you have already spoken to him about your frustrations and nothing is changing that's another issue.

[Miss Spider]

*Sounds like your bf sees you as a pushover. You're always there when he needs you and he can do whatever he wants. Youre even afraid to speak up for how you feel at risk of seeming needy. What you need to do is tell your bf exactly what you're telling us. That you find it disrespectful that he blows up your phone when he needs you yet drops off when you need him. If he respects you he should say sorry and try to adjust his habits.

[Miss Peach]

I have had guys pull this sort of crap with me. I see it as there's a difference between behaviors you can accept because people are human (i.e., leaves socks around) and ones that you cannot accept. If it's not acceptable, as an adult you have every rights to discus it with him calmly, logically, and without being accusatory. He has every right to try to do what you ask or not do it. If it's a deal breaker and/or he isn't treating you to your standards you have every right to leave.

 

My XBF I left because he tried to play stupid emotional games with me. Otherwise he was a great BF. But I couldn't see being married to someone who couldn't communicate and resorts to such childish stuff. My current BF is much better at being open and honest with me but even with him, it took standing up for myself and enforcing I wouldn't put up with his crap initially.