Is this a toxic relationship beyond repair?

[BoroLad]

Hello! This may be a long post but I need to get this all down.

 

So I've been in a relationship with a girl for over 2 years. I'm 21, she is 18. At first it was all good and we had fun, plenty of laughs etc. However, things became very intense, very quickly. She practically moved herself in within a month to the apartment I rented with my brother. At the time things were difficult financially, and my brother and I were struggling. She had no income, barely any help from her parents and expected me and my brother to support her at the time. She did promise (after she quit her college course) she would find a job...

 

That was over 2 years ago. I now rent an apartment on my own, and she still lives with me. She still has no job and expects me to pay for everything. The biggest problem though, is her behaviour. I feel she controls me... She has to be with me 24/7 (I'm not even exaggerating) and gets paranoid every time I'm not around her. Like I go to the gym with my brother, and she will send me neverending texts, wondering where I am (even though she knows I'm at the gym). If I don't reply she will even text my brother telling him to get me to ring her ASAP. If I go on nights out drinking with friends, she will also come out and stalk me, following me around the nightclub... Prior to that she will beg me for the money to go out. She once even tried applying for instant loans online just so she could afford to come out and see where I was.

 

My family and friends think she is no good for me, they urge me to break up with her. I have tried in the past, but I feel like I don't have the willpower to not take her back. And even when I do try she will refuse to leave my apartment. The last time I broke up with her, she was stood outside my workplace, walking past the windows, waiting for me and then even got one of her family members to ring my manager and tell him I take drugs at work (not true!). She has even threatened to slit her throat and tell people I beat her when I have tried to break up. I'm scared of what she will do.

 

Currently I'm depressed, I'm on sick leave at work (not sure if I even want to go back). I'm living off an inheritance of £70k from my aunt... however I've managed to go through £6k of that in 2 months, spending a lot of it on her. She just makes me feel guilty if I don't pay. Some of this money was even spent on recreational drug use, I'm ashamed to say... However she encourages me to buy this stuff (so long as it's with only her or her friends - in front of my family she acts the little angel, and implied it was me with a drug issue, when they found out).

 

I'm no angel, I have cheated on her... even with her closest friend (which I'm not proud of), but even then she was the one BEGGING ME not to end the relationship. She keeps saying she will change but she never does. She has also stopped taking the pill (contraception) for some reason, but has assured me she would get an abortion anyway, which I think is strange. I have been using condoms though.

 

What should I do? Shall I push her to change her ways or is this relationship beyond repair? Any other input is welcome, thanks for reading x

Edited October 4, 2017 by BoroLad

[Hoosfoos]

[HumanMachine]

Jesus

 

I hope you put that money in property ASAP and don’t say a single word to her. She smells blood!

[d0nnivain]

You are playing house with a child. She moved in with you when she was 16. She needs a parent not a BF.

 

Get her to move back in with mom & dad. Give her some time to go to school, get a job & grow up.

 

You need a budget or you will blow through your inheritance in a year & then where will you be? You're better off socking that money away for a down payment on a house or your retirement & not touching it. Be smart.

[Downtown]

Borolad, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with HoosFoos that you're describing some of the warning signs for a pattern of behavior called "BPD" (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the suicide threats, controlling actions, lack of impulse control, fear of being alone, paranoia, and irrational jealousy are classic red flags for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong symptoms of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as suicide threats, temper tantrums, and always being "The Victim."

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another young lady who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you read about BPD symptoms so you know what to look for. The blog article suggested by HoosFoos is a good place to begin. Here on LoveShack, you may want to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. Similarly, Sal provides a concise and insightful account of what it's like to live with a BPDer for 23 years in his 3/16 post. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join HoosFoos and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Borolad.