Biscous Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 I've been dating this girl since early August. We have fun and talk about things. She almost always pays half. She is present in our conversations and everything. Six dates thus far. It's early October but here's the thing... she is not opening to me at all, if any. I got her to talk about religion with me and asked if she wanted kids. But I almost always have to initiate text with her. She talks to me but it's very flat at times. It is getting really frustrating because I feel like I have to second guess myself with her and it's not a good feeling. I don't know if she wants a "friend", if she got out of a relationship, or is hurt. The thing is that I do really like her, but for my own sake I can't wait around. All the women in my family at this point are suspicious about her lol. I haven't even pressed sex with that girl. Just small things of giving out compliments. I have mentioned that I like her green eyes and on one than more occasion it seems as though she gets irritated by seemingly "shallow" compliments. I'm at a crossroads here. I'm want to know where her head is at and how to confront her with a heart to heart. Part of me also feels like I should just lay back and not communicate with her, but we are in our 30s I think that is slightly immature. Anyways I want to know why she isn't opening up to me. Is there someone else? Past trauma? Hesitancy. What could it be? How should I approach this?
MajesticUnicorn Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 It's really hard to judge why a person isn't opening up to you the way you like. There could be a variety of reasons why. As a female, I have struggled with opening up before too. Part of it is due to putting my trust in men and getting my heart broken, but I've realized that isn't a reason to self-sabotage my future relationships by being guarded and hard to the world. In my most recent situation I realized it was due to my lack of interest however. With one guy I was dating this summer, it was similar in which we went on dates several times a week. We had great conversation, I always agreed to dates and enjoyed spending time with him. However I just struggled to open up to him when deep conversations occurred. I am a horrible texter so I never really initiated texts either. He called me out for it and we had a conversation about "us," and what we were and I totally shut down. That's when I realized that sure maybe I wasn't opening up wasn't because of my history, but the main reason was that I wasn't as interested in him as I thought I was. My defense was well I agree to dates, I text him back, obviously I'm interested. Once I was honest with myself though I realized it wasn't going anywhere. While I know not every situation is the same, and this may not necessarily be the case with the girl you're dating, I thought I would throw it out there as someone who has behaved similarly to her. However I think the big difference here is I am in my early 20's, and you all are in your 30's. Six dates isn't a horribly long time, but I would say it's at the point where your conversations should be getting deeper. If it's something you are comfortable bringing up to her, it may be worth having a conversation about. However at the same point bringing it up may push her way or cause her to put her guard up more, but that is just the risk you are going to have to take if you want answers. Because at the end of the day none of us can read minds (I wish I could though!)
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Is it not obvious? She's not the girl for you, and you are not the guy for her. Lets face it...when you meet the right person, you click immediately in every way...you would get along like gang busters. It's like you are pulling teeth....not worth the fuss. Just because she's pretty doesn't mean she's worth the frustration. You shouldn't have to work this hard to get along with someone. 1
Author Biscous Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 (edited) Is it not obvious? She's not the girl for you, and you are not the guy for her. Lets face it...when you meet the right person, you click immediately in every way...you would get along like gang busters. It's like you are pulling teeth....not worth the fuss. Just because she's pretty doesn't mean she's worth the frustration. You shouldn't have to work this hard to get along with someone. Certainly but we should have known that many dates ago and communicating. I get what you're saying. It's really hard to judge why a person isn't opening up to you the way you like. There could be a variety of reasons why. As a female, I have struggled with opening up before too. Part of it is due to putting my trust in men and getting my heart broken, but I've realized that isn't a reason to self-sabotage my future relationships by being guarded and hard to the world. In my most recent situation I realized it was due to my lack of interest however. With one guy I was dating this summer, it was similar in which we went on dates several times a week. We had great conversation, I always agreed to dates and enjoyed spending time with him. However I just struggled to open up to him when deep conversations occurred. I am a horrible texter so I never really initiated texts either. He called me out for it and we had a conversation about "us," and what we were and I totally shut down. That's when I realized that sure maybe I wasn't opening up wasn't because of my history, but the main reason was that I wasn't as interested in him as I thought I was. My defense was well I agree to dates, I text him back, obviously I'm interested. Once I was honest with myself though I realized it wasn't going anywhere. While I know not every situation is the same, and this may not necessarily be the case with the girl you're dating, I thought I would throw it out there as someone who has behaved similarly to her. However I think the big difference here is I am in my early 20's, and you all are in your 30's. Six dates isn't a horribly long time, but I would say it's at the point where your conversations should be getting deeper. If it's something you are comfortable bringing up to her, it may be worth having a conversation about. However at the same point bringing it up may push her way or cause her to put her guard up more, but that is just the risk you are going to have to take if you want answers. Because at the end of the day none of us can read minds (I wish I could though!) Yeah maybe it's not a long time but it is certainly gnawing at me you know? Her opening up to me about having kids a little and showing signs of insecurity around me was interesting. I think I can curtail it easily but the thing is she keeps herself busy with things so I'm dealing with her schedule. I'm just getting suspicious. If she's dating others, cool let's be transparent because I am too, but why are we dating them you know? Edited October 4, 2017 by Biscous
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 It's only been six dates......you should be more advanced in this by now....you know more comfortable....easy. It's sounds like you've had 6 first dates. 1
Author Biscous Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 It's only been six dates......you should be more advanced in this by now....you know more comfortable....easy. It's sounds like you've had 6 first dates. Yeah and if I'm seeing her infrequent it's just that. Think I should just ask to see her in person and talk?
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 And say what? That she's being a little frigid? and should be more responsive to you? good luck with that.
Author Biscous Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 And say what? That she's being a little frigid? and should be more responsive to you? good luck with that. LOL I see what you mean but just confront her in person about it and say there's something on my mind.
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Tell her you you really like her but don't see this going anywhere...well where you would like it to be. 1
basil67 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 LOL I see what you mean but just confront her in person about it and say there's something on my mind. Don't confront her. Confronting is a fighting stance and will only get her back up. Just talk about what you're looking for and find out if she's on the same page. That said, it would be foolish to ask or expect her to change. If she is seeking a relationship with you, are you OK with a partner who doesn't open up or initiate?
Author Biscous Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 Don't confront her. Confronting is a fighting stance and will only get her back up. Just talk about what you're looking for and find out if she's on the same page. That said, it would be foolish to ask or expect her to change. If she is seeking a relationship with you, are you OK with a partner who doesn't open up or initiate? Eh confront is a strong word....okay maybe it is confrontation but just knowing where she is at and why won't she open up. Also no not necessarily, unless she legitimately has trust issues, going over something, or whatever. I lost my father two months ago and she is well aware of that. That hurts me a lot and I informed of that to illustrate where my head is at as well. I do feel like I need to talk to her because it is eating at me. Also I'm dating other women as well but can't shake this one off.
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Not everybody is an open book. Some folks are more private. 6 dates over approximately 10 weeks is not a lot of time. At this point, I don't think she's obligated to be too open & any discussions about kids -- unless you already have some -- is incredibly premature. Don't get so hung up on who initiates texts, especially if she initiates other types of communication. You seemed to have jumped right into the heavy stuff -- religion & kids. Have you considered asking some better get to know you Qs like where she went to school; how she chose her major or profession; who she thinks might go to the World Series etc.? Heck, considering what is going on in the world ask how she feels about Gun Control if you really prefer deep discussions but don't just give up just yet. Probe, gently. Do not confront. Perhaps you simply haven't earned her trust yet. It takes me months if not years & sometimes never before I reveal my deep dark secrets to anybody. 3
Miss Spider Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Sorry to hear about your father. You are being very strong. I never thought a type of water temperature could be used to so aptly describe a person's lack of interest, but it is true. She is luke warm. At best, you two are incompatible. I don't think talking will do anything much about it. 3
basil67 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Eh confront is a strong word....okay maybe it is confrontation but just knowing where she is at and why won't she open up. Also no not necessarily, unless she legitimately has trust issues, going over something, or whatever. I lost my father two months ago and she is well aware of that. That hurts me a lot and I informed of that to illustrate where my head is at as well. I do feel like I need to talk to her because it is eating at me. Also I'm dating other women as well but can't shake this one off. I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. My guess is that she doesn't open up because it's not her way. It's like asking a chatty person why they are chatty. This girl, she's just a reserved person. 1
coolheadal Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Eh confront is a strong word....okay maybe it is confrontation but just knowing where she is at and why won't she open up. Also no not necessarily, unless she legitimately has trust issues, going over something, or whatever. I lost my father two months ago and she is well aware of that. That hurts me a lot and I informed of that to illustrate where my head is at as well. I do feel like I need to talk to her because it is eating at me. Also I'm dating other women as well but can't shake this one off. Oh you dating other women so why do you want this one? Hard for you to shake her off. That's because your allowing it to continue. She sounds like you and her a best of buddies. Since she's pays for half always. I have Colombian female that acts just like this girl. We have fun as friends when we hook-up. Right now I am not bothering with her since I have someone else as a gf they get high priory everyone else very low. Your and mine are just friends without any strings just can't expect these women to do more than they do. Before the new gf I would show up at her brother's house she tells everyone including her 80 year old mom that I am very nice man. But that's it.. Nothing else she cooks for me and takes care of me. Once I got a little tip-c she she made a bed from the couch and place me on it. Wow spend a night on the couch. The next day she made me breakfast. But again that's what good friend do. If you were boy friend and girl friend you I would have been in her bed instead of the couch. So do you see what I mean. She's your friend, unless you said otherwise you wanted to be excursive bf and gf and date more than friends. Different story you see. When you go out where does she sit across from you at a table or side by side. When you see her does she kiss you on the lips or give you a side kiss on the cheek? 1
fred123 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Yeah and if I'm seeing her infrequent it's just that. Think I should just ask to see her in person and talk? Only 6 dates in 2 months? Surely this girl aint into you.
Author Biscous Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 (edited) Only 6 dates in 2 months? Surely this girl aint into you. I did reset because of my father's death, but yep EVEN THEN. Just gonna sit her down and talk. Edited October 4, 2017 by Biscous
coolheadal Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 (edited) I did reset because of my father's death, but yep EVEN THEN. Just gonna sit her down and talk. Has she been to your house/apartment? What happens when she comes over? *Does she bring a bottle of bubbly with her? I lost both parents myself took me a long time to get over that now. I live on my own for a few years now coming back to my summer house. My new gf I had already moved her in with me here. If there is interest other than buddies move them in. My Colombian wanted to move in with me but only as buddies. I had told her no because I didn't feel right about it. She is gorgeous beyond words. But the woman I have now is 100% better and just as good looking I say that from the heart and my eyes. Sometimes the buddies females can flirt, tease and play with us men. But sometimes they're not our type too. I just saying that. Real gf is a lot better though. Sit her down and you'll learn the truth about her intentions or you might not get your answer because she might not know what she wants! *Buddies will bring this over with them, to have a fun time with you.. Edited October 4, 2017 by coolheadal 1
elaine567 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 I guess she is mirroring you. YOU are dating other women, so you are not fully on board with her and if she is intuitive she will have picked that up, so she won't be fully on board with you. She will sense you are holding back and do the same. Multi-dating is all very well but if you want to take things further then you can't have multiple women all on the go at the same time. Taking things to another level needs focus and you cannot focus and give your "all" to one if you have many others waiting in the wings. It is just not possible. 3
Author Biscous Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 I guess she is mirroring you. YOU are dating other women, so you are not fully on board with her and if she is intuitive she will have picked that up, so she won't be fully on board with you. She will sense you are holding back and do the same. Multi-dating is all very well but if you want to take things further then you can't have multiple women all on the go at the same time. Taking things to another level needs focus and you cannot focus and give your "all" to one if you have many others waiting in the wings. It is just not possible. Makes sense. Just gonna see her Monday. I'm going out of town this weekend and she agreed so I will just see what's up. Also in some respects I am holding back but not nearly as much as she is. I've had women bring up exclusive talks before but at the time I was really seeing them more and not dating anyone else. Will keep y'all posted.
Author Biscous Posted October 10, 2017 Author Posted October 10, 2017 So an update guys. Had dinner with this girl tonight. I have been having a huge frustration with her not opening up to me and also being sometimes resistant to touch even though she kissed me many times. I confronted her about it tonight. Long story short she said she sees me as a friend and she enjoys doing stuff with me but doesn't feel a romantic spark. She says she likes to meet a guy and see if something happens romantically AKA take it slow. I told her that we've been together 6-7 times and it felt disconjointed..like 6 first dates. Not what I was looking for. Frankly I wish she told me she wasn't interested a few dates ago but I only paid my way for the most part with her and we did some interesting stuff. She also said that given my father's death I was in an "emotionally vulnerable" spot in my life and she wanted to be there for me Vulnerable yes but I'm not some ****ing needy guy. Seriously. Anyway the past two times I saw her she was very much talking about work and in hindsight she felt sorta boring as a person. Just not as passionate as I like. It could have been the overall "chemistry" of things or just her in general. I felt like at times I was pulling teeth to get conversation out of her. Felt like I had to second guess myself at times. *sigh* So I will continue dating and the search continues.
ChatroomHero Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 So an update guys. Had dinner with this girl tonight. I have been having a huge frustration with her not opening up to me and also being sometimes resistant to touch even though she kissed me many times. I confronted her about it tonight. Long story short she said she sees me as a friend and she enjoys doing stuff with me but doesn't feel a romantic spark. She says she likes to meet a guy and see if something happens romantically AKA take it slow. I told her that we've been together 6-7 times and it felt disconjointed..like 6 first dates. Not what I was looking for. Frankly I wish she told me she wasn't interested a few dates ago but I only paid my way for the most part with her and we did some interesting stuff. She also said that given my father's death I was in an "emotionally vulnerable" spot in my life and she wanted to be there for me Vulnerable yes but I'm not some ****ing needy guy. Seriously. Anyway the past two times I saw her she was very much talking about work and in hindsight she felt sorta boring as a person. Just not as passionate as I like. It could have been the overall "chemistry" of things or just her in general. I felt like at times I was pulling teeth to get conversation out of her. Felt like I had to second guess myself at times. *sigh* So I will continue dating and the search continues. Sorry to hear that. I was going to say when you compliment a woman and she seems to give you the "don't compliment me" vibe it is usually because she is not into you and it makes her uncomfortable knowing she will not compliment you back or lead you on. It makes her uncomfortable when you say something like, "I like your green eyes" and she has to respond without showing interest in that way. If women are even mildly interested they will take a compliment, if they are not they will ignore or reject your compliments and deflect to some other subject....You: "I like your eyes"...Her: "Oh, you. So you're going out of town for work next week, huh?".
Miss Spider Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) She's tepid. Like, if she were water, she would be near room temperature Edited October 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Author Biscous Posted October 10, 2017 Author Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) Sorry to hear that. I was going to say when you compliment a woman and she seems to give you the "don't compliment me" vibe it is usually because she is not into you and it makes her uncomfortable knowing she will not compliment you back or lead you on. It makes her uncomfortable when you say something like, "I like your green eyes" and she has to respond without showing interest in that way. If women are even mildly interested they will take a compliment, if they are not they will ignore or reject your compliments and deflect to some other subject....You: "I like your eyes"...Her: "Oh, you. So you're going out of town for work next week, huh?". Yeah I know the signs now. I've NEVER had a woman turn down my compliments which is funny. I just felt that she was just lukewarm person in general. In hindsight there was some deflection for sure. This is why I've been multidating. I don't like doing it because with her honestly I saw relationship material but I couldn't deal with the tepidness with her and I couldn't read that. Losing my father confirms I want a relationship and want quality people in my life who feel mutually into me as I into them. I honestly think she doesn't have many available dating options but she liked hanging around with me in the interim. She's tepid. Like, if she were water, she would be near room temperature Ding Ding Ding. Edited October 10, 2017 by Biscous
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