Idk lws Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 I was with my exfiancee for 8 1/2 months. We broke up because he says I tried to limit his freedom. He likes to get drunk and go out with his friends, both male and female 3x a week. I rarely went with him as this is not my thing. Furthermore he states the reason for the break up is that I refuse to cut out a male friend whom my ex believes wants me and is my back up plan. This man lives 1500 miles away and we have been friends for 5 years. I am unwilling to end the friendship. My ex says he loves me but will not try again unless I let him go out as much as he wants also. We broke up a month ago but saw each other and had this discussion. He is angry still and blames me for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I fully admit I was very bad , did a lot of tit for tat, giving him a taste of his own medicine b.s. which was intended to hurt him as I felt hurt. Just want to get opinions at this point as I don't believe we will reach agreement as we are both stubborn. Thank you
Jagged100 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 I was with my exfiancee for 8 1/2 months. We broke up because he says I tried to limit his freedom. He likes to get drunk and go out with his friends, both male and female 3x a week. I rarely went with him as this is not my thing. Furthermore he states the reason for the break up is that I refuse to cut out a male friend whom my ex believes wants me and is my back up plan. This man lives 1500 miles away and we have been friends for 5 years. I am unwilling to end the friendship. My ex says he loves me but will not try again unless I let him go out as much as he wants also. We broke up a month ago but saw each other and had this discussion. He is angry still and blames me for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I fully admit I was very bad , did a lot of tit for tat, giving him a taste of his own medicine b.s. which was intended to hurt him as I felt hurt. Just want to get opinions at this point as I don't believe we will reach agreement as we are both stubborn. Thank you Why do you want to work things out? You've listed the negatives but what about the positives? Personally he sounds controlling and narcissistic, but it's hard to judge with so little info given. How old are you both? 2
Author Idk lws Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 We are in our early 40s. He is intelligent, fun, affectionate, giving and we love each other. We both can be controlling.
Jagged100 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 We are in our early 40s. He is intelligent, fun, affectionate, giving and we love each other. We both can be controlling. Can you compromise with him?
Author Idk lws Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 I feel I can compromise , but I will not cut out a true friend.
HumanMachine Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 I feel I can compromise , but I will not cut out a true friend. He’s made it quite clear to you what will be needed for the relationship to proceed. Having been in his position I can completely understand.
dumbass2 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 I feel I can compromise , but I will not cut out a true friend. And you shouldn't have to, unless there are romantic feelings involved on either end, but if you're not willing to do that, then even if he gave in and said he'd be okay with it, he would resent you and the problem would continue. Because neither of you are willing to give and the fact that these appear to be huge issues for both of you, I think at this time you both of you are just not compatible with each other. There really is nothing more than that. You can't force anything at this point. Right or wrong you both have strong feelings on the issues and refuse to give in.
Author Idk lws Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 He’s made it quite clear to you what will be needed for the relationship to proceed. Having been in his position I can completely understand. Yes I actually do understand his position.
Author Idk lws Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 And you shouldn't have to, unless there are romantic feelings involved on either end, but if you're not willing to do that, then even if he gave in and said he'd be okay with it, he would resent you and the problem would continue. Because neither of you are willing to give and the fact that these appear to be huge issues for both of you, I think at this time you both of you are just not compatible with each other. There really is nothing more than that. You can't force anything at this point. Right or wrong you both have strong feelings on the issues and refuse to give in. Good comments on this forum. True, on one side or the other there would be resentment if we reached an agreement. He says I justify things and he is right, if he gets to choose someone for me to cut out, why can't I be able to do the same? He has several female friends, makes more when he feels like it and this all often takes place where drinking is involved. It's as though he's saying certain things are ok for him but not ok for me. If you want to be with me , deal with the double standard. :(
Buriall Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 It sounds to me you're both going tit for tat. You do this im gonna do that and so on, giving each-other ultimatums. Either way nobody here wants to compromise, maybe its best both of you end things and do what you guys really want.
preraph Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Well, he's got some nerve griping about you having an old friend who's 1500 miles away while he's out catting around with friends male and female without you and drinking. Of course it's not your fault. But once you find the guy who is right for you (he's not -- he wants it all his way, double standard), then you have to introduce him to the friend so he isn't a mystery -- and if you get a whiff the guy is circling you like a buzzard waiting for you to break up, you DO need to cut him out. But if he's 1500 miles away, not very buzzard behavior, so....
Author Idk lws Posted October 5, 2017 Author Posted October 5, 2017 Well, he's got some nerve griping about you having an old friend who's 1500 miles away while he's out catting around with friends male and female without you and drinking. Of course it's not your fault. But once you find the guy who is right for you (he's not -- he wants it all his way, double standard), then you have to introduce him to the friend so he isn't a mystery -- and if you get a whiff the guy is circling you like a buzzard waiting for you to break up, you DO need to cut him out. But if he's 1500 miles away, not very buzzard behavior, so.... Agreed 100% with this. This is too double standard for me, I'd even accept 75% of the blame but that doesn't justify the double standard. It's too bad, I really do love him and he feels the same about me.
basil67 Posted October 5, 2017 Posted October 5, 2017 I would never be compatible with a partner who went out and got drunk three times per week. So I'm with you on that one....though I wouldn't have stuck around playing games to try and get him back. Now, with his gripe about this 5 year friend of yours, how often are you in contact with him? Are we talking once a month, once a week or daily?
Author Idk lws Posted October 5, 2017 Author Posted October 5, 2017 I would never be compatible with a partner who went out and got drunk three times per week. So I'm with you on that one....though I wouldn't have stuck around playing games to try and get him back. Now, with his gripe about this 5 year friend of yours, how often are you in contact with him? Are we talking once a month, once a week or daily? My friend and I spoke once every three months when I was in the relationship. Now that we are broken up and not getting back together (mutual decision) , my friend and I will speak a lot more often.
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