Struggle in dating because of unrealistic expectations

[oneinamillion93]

So long story short, I have been dating this guy and have time where I don't feel like going out with him again because I always distracted by other men. Every time if we hang out and other men hitting on me or/and being friendly more than usual I ended up thinking that I would have go out with this man instead or I could do better or I deserve better.

This happen a lot of time. I don't know where this bull**** coming, I don't know if I have issues. I feel like if I am not ended up with the man I am expected, people would looking down on me for dating/in a relationship with this particulary guy, like I am a desperate girl that can't date any decent ones so I have to end up with him etc. And this isn't the first time.

I know some of you would call me gold digger, or I am the one that make men lose their faith in women etc, I just come here for some advise. I wanted to change it but it never actually gone away. I can forget about it for a period of time until some men remind me that I could do better etc

[Gaeta]

Your problem is that you identify your value through the man you date.

 

Your value is your own to build.

 

Most of the time women that are seeking bigger-than-life men to date are women that don't have pride for their own life. They usually have not accomplished their own dream so they need to appropriate themselves the success of others.

 

If you look at independent successful women they don't have the need to impress society with the man they date. They pick a man for his moral and ethic values, they pick him because of the way he makes HER feel and don't care much how it makes other people feel.

 

Conclusion: You have to work on yourself and become your own success and your own source of pride.

[Miss Spider]

Why don't you date someone you actually respect or do you eventually devalue every guy who is with you(meaning it's a self esteem issue)?

[coolheadal]

Sometimes you can't help right so you know it's just the way you have to be. I've come to realized that myself. I look for the best woman to be with but sometimes that's the not the case. What if we all have to be with that certain person just don't fine interesting enough, so we just keep on looking and looking. In your case that's what you doing. Really not you just that there is no control over nature things happen for a reason. This woman you describe is you that's what you do and that's what you like to see out there from men. That's all you. If you find a guy you like you'll go after him. If things work out then you can settle and have it all. Yet men will flirt at you still just the way things are with you. Just can't help yourself. I had married woman attached to me for a year. We talk and I told her you need to contact you husband. She was separated from him for 10 years. They been married for over 30 years. I could not wonder why she didn't go back to him. Because she wanted to be loved. She did make that call this week to the husband he's on his way back to her. I had wished her the best, and told her I will be gone from her life as well. She cried.. But in the end she'll have the man to make her happy. I couldn't give her what she wanted. She was married all I could do was to be her friend. She never knew what being married was, twice she did same thing. Go figure. I know it's the way of nature she has do what he knew best to do. So you see the point is we all have to do whatever it is that we have to do just to make it in this world. as for dating you date what you deem the best in men. They might not be the ones you should be but they're the ones you are with. Don't change things because as you can see if you do it might be worst than it is right now.

[lovephule]

The mention of "gold digger" implies that you are equating "better" with having and making more money. If that's the case, have no worries-- you will get exactly what you deserve.

[normal person]

The mention of "gold digger" implies that you are equating "better" with having and making more money. If that's the case, have no worries-- you will get exactly what you deserve.

 

Like it or not, money is an important part of life. I can see looking down on someone for desiring for unnecessary material things or luxuries, but in regards to just basic survival, security, and comfort, there's a biological urge to want the most of it. Assuming any woman who takes a guy's career, earning potential, or bank account into consideration "gets what they deserve" is really short sighted, in my opinion. What if there was a guy who thought was otherwise perfect except for the fact that he worked minimum wage and had no desire to ascend any hire? What if he was $200K in debt and couldn't afford to move out of the bad, unsafe part of town? If you marry him, you're basically ensuring that your kids will grow up disadvantaged and in a constant state of uncertainty. It's practically a form of child abuse, in my opinion.

 

OP, at the end of the day, I think you should be with someone you don't doubt or have second guesses about. If the guy doesn't make you want to be with him unquestionably, I'd suggest you go and find someone who does.

[coolheadal]

So in all this is a toss-up you date who want or you date someone you don't want. Money means more than you date a guy who has it vs a guy who doesn't have it. Money can't bring you love, that's something you have to earn and respect. What matters in the end is you and him, in life we all make the choices either right or wrong and if we both have to struggle to make ends meet then so be it!

[Gaeta]

Like it or not, money is an important part of life.

That's why a woman needs to get a good education and go get her own money.

 

What if there was a guy who thought was otherwise perfect except for the fact that he worked minimum wage and had no desire to ascend any hire?

That's why a woman needs to get a good education and go get her own money and not wait on a man to give her the life she deserves.

 

What if he was $200K in debt and couldn't afford to move out of the bad, unsafe part of town? If you marry him, you're basically ensuring that your kids will grow up disadvantaged and in a constant state of uncertainty. It's practically a form of child abuse, in my opinion.

That's why a woman needs to get a good education and go get her own money and not wait on a man to give her the life she deserves AND when she marries she can protect herself from her husband debts. Debts he accumulated before their marriage anyway.

 

That being said, you are painting a man here with no self control and bad judgement, it's not the topic of this thread.

 

OP, at the end of the day, I think you should be with someone you don't doubt or have second guesses about. If the guy doesn't make you want to be with him unquestionably, I'd suggest you go and find someone who does.

 

She wants to be with him unconditionally till a sexier cooler dude comes around.

[kendahke]

I feel like if I am not ended up with the man I am expected, people would looking down on me

 

1. nobody is investing this far into whoever you choose to be with except your frenemies and those who mean you no good.

 

2. anyone in your life who does do this is someone who needs to be cut out and left by the curb for pick up.

 

What kind of man do you think you are expected to wind up with and who is putting this judgement on you besides you?

 

I wanted to change it but it never actually gone away. I can forget about it for a period of time until some men remind me that I could do better etc

 

Why does it require a man to remind you that you can do better? Why do you settle? To not be alone? But that means some guy's feelings get put through the masher just so you don't have to be by yourself until the guy you'd rather be with comes along. So I have to then ask you: why don't you like your own company and why can't you be not in a relationship?

 

Here's the thing: if you really wanted to change, you'd do it. Change is the easiest thing in the world: You do it, it's done.

 

The decision to change is where people mess it all up--because the truth is: they really don't want to do the heavy lifting that the decision to change demands. They want others to do that for them so they can blame them for not living up to their expectations.

 

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

[Divasu]

So long story short, I have been dating this guy and have time where I don't feel like going out with him again because I always distracted by other men.

 

That's your problem, then.

[oneinamillion93]

That's why a woman needs to get a good education.

I am an educated one. I got a master in IBM, I make my own money. I don't depend or asking money from the guy i am dating.

[oneinamillion93]

1. nobody is investing this far into whoever you choose to be with except your frenemies and those who mean you no good.

 

2. anyone in your life who does do this is someone who needs to be cut out and left by the curb for pick up.

 

What kind of man do you think you are expected to wind up with and who is putting this judgement on you besides you?

 

 

 

Why does it require a man to remind you that you can do better? Why do you settle? To not be alone? But that means some guy's feelings get put through the masher just so you don't have to be by yourself until the guy you'd rather be with comes along. So I have to then ask you: why don't you like your own company and why can't you be not in a relationship?

 

Here's the thing: if you really wanted to change, you'd do it. Change is the easiest thing in the world: You do it, it's done.

 

The decision to change is where people mess it all up--because the truth is: they really don't want to do the heavy lifting that the decision to change demands. They want others to do that for them so they can blame them for not living up to their expectations.

 

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

 

This. I am pretty much don't want to be alone. I just need someone company. I am not settle down blindly, I just realise that my friends have their own life, my family have their own as well, some busy day I would forget about how lonely I am, but some day I would wake up seeking for a company, maybe just to talk or to do something with.

As you mentioned about it, I think perhaps I should choose another type of relationship or dating.

[XIvanX]

Dating and live together relationships by their very nature generate degrees of both ‘need’ and ‘dependency,’ the levels of which vary enormously depending on both the individual and the basic nature of the relationship.

 

Arguably problems within relationships are not only caused by one’s partner’s shortcomings (as we see them), but also by our needs, expectations, and standards not being essentially on all fours with our partner’s shall I say ‘game plan.’

 

After several decades of both dating and marriage I look back and clearly see the many instances where I personally went wrong.

 

Clearly my most serious fault was to slide onto the modern path of becoming intimate far too soon. That is before I really got to know a person.

Address that issue and a relationship’s chances of success multiply several hundred fold.

 

An almost as serious a past fault of mine was serial back to back monogomous relations with no break inbetween in order to learn to become truly strong and be able to stand on my own two feet ALONE.

 

Many intimate relationships are not built on strength but are ‘parasitic’ by nature. The difference?

 

A healthy relationship is where two strong individuals can survive alone, but choose for positive reasons to be together.

 

Conversely, a parasitic relationship is where one feels incomplete without a partner and heavy dependency usually ensues.

Edited October 4, 2017 by XIvanX

[Gaeta]

I am an educated one. I got a master in IBM, I make my own money. I don't depend or asking money from the guy i am dating.

 

Then you lack something in other aspects of your life.

 

Before entering a relationship you need to be happy and content on your own. I read you feel lonely. Fill your life. There are other things in life than having a boyfriend.

[smackie9]

But I also understand you want to meet someone that is compatible, has the same goals, is attractive, gives you butterflies, that enhances your life. You just have the dating blues. So much rubbish to wade through, you want to get to the good stuff....someone that completes you.

 

I agree with Gaeta. You need to fill your life with things you are passionate about, hobbies, interests, solid friends, experiences, that makes up your life and who you are as an individual, things that fulfill you. That's when you attract the right person...you bring something to the table....substance.

[SevenCity]

Like it or not, money is an important part of life. I can see looking down on someone for desiring for unnecessary material things or luxuries, but in regards to just basic survival, security, and comfort, there's a biological urge to want the most of it. Assuming any woman who takes a guy's career, earning potential, or bank account into consideration "gets what they deserve" is really short sighted, in my opinion. What if there was a guy who thought was otherwise perfect except for the fact that he worked minimum wage and had no desire to ascend any hire? What if he was $200K in debt and couldn't afford to move out of the bad, unsafe part of town? If you marry him, you're basically ensuring that your kids will grow up disadvantaged and in a constant state of uncertainty. It's practically a form of child abuse, in my opinion.

 

OP, at the end of the day, I think you should be with someone you don't doubt or have second guesses about. If the guy doesn't make you want to be with him unquestionably, I'd suggest you go and find someone who does.

 

I agree and do not take issue with a woman wanting a man of similar earnings.

 

My issue is the MANY women who want a guy to elevate their economic status.

[d0nnivain]

On some level you need to be proud of the person you date. If you don't respect that person & keep thinking you can do better you will erode & poison the relationship.

 

 

I dated a great guy years ago. He was funny, handsome, kind & a blast to hang around but I knew he wasn't Mr. Right because he wasn't all that smart, he had a menial job that he didn't like (before somebody jumps all over me, if he was happy, I would not have had as much of an issue with it) and was so uncomfortable around my peers I could not bring him into those circles. Again, I enjoyed his company but he & I were never going to get to happily ever after. Still I got very angry when other people suggested I could "do better". He took me to his company's holiday party once & introduced me to his "big" boss / the owner of the company & that guy's wife. During the course of evening the boss & I realized he'd be attending some upcoming conference where I was scheduled to be a speaker. The boss actually said he couldn't believe I was dating his employee & was very condescending. I not so politely put the guy in his place -- even though I was a guest at a party he was throwing -- by pointing out what a sweet, caring & loyal person my date was.

 

 

If you find yourself always thinking you need to "trade up" you have to start by figuring out what you find deficient in yourself that you think you will be judged by your SO's accomplishments instead of your own.

 

 

My husband now has a big deal job with the government but when we met he was a struggling salesman who had a paper route to make ends meet. I was impressed by his work ethic, not his job titles.

[elaine567]

I agree and do not take issue with a woman wanting a man of similar earnings.

 

My issue is the MANY women who want a guy to elevate their economic status.

 

OK but many men are very foolish, they bypass good honest independent women capable of making their own money, for "hotties" and "trophies" who only really want to spend their man's money and who only want to elevate their own standing both financially and socially.

"Gold diggers" and the like would not exist if men were not desperate to shower such women with money in order to keep them.

[normal person]

That's why a woman needs to get a good education and go get her own money.

 

That's why a woman needs to get a good education and go get her own money and not wait on a man to give her the life she deserves.

 

That's why a woman needs to get a good education and go get her own money and not wait on a man to give her the life she deserves AND when she marries she can protect herself from her husband debts. Debts he accumulated before their marriage anyway.

 

I didn't say she shouldn't have her own education and money, or be dependent, or not self-reliant. All I said was that it's not a cardinal sin for a woman to desire a man with those qualities himself. Let's be honest, most well educated, high earning women aren't going to pair up with uneducated, low earning men anyways. That was pretty much implied.

 

She wants to be with him unconditionally till a sexier cooler dude comes around.

 

OP was actually kind of vague about why she doesn't like the current guy. She made one mention of fearing the "gold digger" label but other than that it was kind of up in the air.

 

I agree and do not take issue with a woman wanting a man of similar earnings.

 

My issue is the MANY women who want a guy to elevate their economic status.

 

They're easy to spot and avoid. There's a large difference between people who want to be with someone who makes good money on the basis of values, security, having a purpose in life, fulfilling careers, a mutually beneficial partnership, etc, and the people who just want to marry a rich person and spend their money on stupid crap.

 

OK but many men are very foolish, they bypass good honest independent women capable of making their own money, for "hotties" and "trophies" who only really want to spend their man's money and who only want to elevate their own standing both financially and socially.

"Gold diggers" and the like would not exist if men were not desperate to shower such women with money in order to keep them.

 

What's "many?" I'd like to know how common these relationships are. It seems to me if a guy possesses the sense and judiciousness necessary to make a lot of money, he'll probably be pretty diligent about finding the right partner who isn't just looking for a paycheck. I'm sure there are guys who are so insecure that they have to lean on their money, but barring the high profile cases you see out there, I really wonder if these relationships are as prevalent as we think. If you're smart enough to get into med/law school, you're smart enough to know that you need to pick a partner you mesh with on more levels than one.

 

OP, if you're not happy with the guy, what's stopping you from breaking up with him and finding someone you're more satisfied with -- assuming it's for the right reasons?

[kendahke]

Dating and live together relationships by their very nature generate degrees of both ‘need’ and ‘dependency,’ the levels of which vary enormously depending on both the individual and the basic nature of the relationship.

 

Arguably problems within relationships are not only caused by one’s partner’s shortcomings (as we see them), but also by our needs, expectations, and standards not being essentially on all fours with our partner’s shall I say ‘game plan.’

 

After several decades of both dating and marriage I look back and clearly see the many instances where I personally went wrong.

 

Clearly my most serious fault was to slide onto the modern path of becoming intimate far too soon. That is before I really got to know a person.

Address that issue and a relationship’s chances of success multiply several hundred fold.

 

An almost as serious a past fault of mine was serial back to back monogomous relations with no break inbetween in order to learn to become truly strong and be able to stand on my own two feet ALONE.

 

Many intimate relationships are not built on strength but are ‘parasitic’ by nature. The difference?

 

A healthy relationship is where two strong individuals can survive alone, but choose for positive reasons to be together.

 

Conversely, a parasitic relationship is where one feels incomplete without a partner and heavy dependency usually ensues.

 

Well said.

 

And welcome!

[kendahke]

I am pretty much don't want to be alone.

 

Honestly, who does? It's a rare person who wants to be alone, but there are times in your life where you need to be alone so that you can become the kind of person a guy wants to be around--someone who is not dependent upon another to keep them entertained all the time.

 

If all you do is mark time, fill a space/void with men, then that takes you out of the energetic running when the man who is best suited to you shows up; because you're going to be emotionally/energetically all tied up and distracted by the one with whom you are wasting time, both his and yours. That gets to be old.

 

I just need someone company.

 

Get out around people or volunteer at an animal shelter if you need company. There are plenty of ways to have company about you. Using a man you're not really interested in but are allowing him to invest in you because you want to avoid being by yourself is patently unfair.

 

I just realise that my friends have their own life, my family have their own as well,

 

Then it sounds like you need to take up some interests that will fill your time or learn to enjoy your own company because right now, what you are doing isn't working for you.

 

some busy day I would forget about how lonely I am, but some day I would wake up seeking for a company, maybe just to talk or to do something with.

 

Until such a day that that person materializes, you need to be about the business of making your own life whole and interesting enough that the type of man you'd rather be with will want to be a part of it, too, because it's that exciting to him.

 

If you're expecting others to do this heavy lifting for you, you're going to keep on settling and marking time.

 

As you mentioned about it, I think perhaps I should choose another type of relationship or dating.

 

No, you need to reconnect in a relationship with yourself and develop yourself to such a point that a guy you'd rather be with wants to be a part of your life, too.

[lovephule]

Like it or not, money is an important part of life.

I'd say understanding what money is and how it works is an important part of life.

 

I can see looking down on someone for desiring for unnecessary material things or luxuries, but in regards to just basic survival, security, and comfort, there's a biological urge to want the most of it.

Lagom. Optimization/fine tuning. Diminishing returns. In other words, more is more until it isn't.

 

Assuming any woman who takes a guy's career, earning potential, or bank account into consideration "gets what they deserve" is really short sighted, in my opinion.

I chose my words and phrasing carefully, if mischievously. Your statement here in no way approximates a functional equivalent. Not saying that you're saying that it does, either.

 

What if there was a guy who thought was otherwise perfect except for the fact that he worked minimum wage and had no desire to ascend any hire? What if he was $200K in debt and couldn't afford to move out of the bad, unsafe part of town? If you marry him, you're basically ensuring that your kids will grow up disadvantaged and in a constant state of uncertainty.

Oh? What if I'm a billionaire? What then?

 

 

Knowledge and wisdom are not one and the same. Part of becoming one's own woman is cultivating a spine and having the self-assuredness to make good decisions for oneself, even amidst other people's disdain.

[viatori patuit]

As a guy with high earning potential I saw this all the time when dating. It amazed me when women would brazenly declare that they wouldn’t date a man who had no potential.

 

Of course when I pointed out that I had the right to also look for things like super hot and in shape I was shallow. Now it was all hypothetical for me but it was very telling.

 

Double standards are ugly. If one puts demands on a partner then they shouldn’t be surprised when they get bitten by them.

[oneinamillion93]

Thank you guys for putting up with me. I wanna reply to tall of you but it's gonna be a long ass reply so I'll say thanks and talk about some of those things you guys mentioned.

First of all, maybe the problem is me being with someone that I don't really have feelings for, I thought about the possibility of me scared of loneliness. I seek for

Companionship yet still can't open up with someone or truly see them as the one I can trust or feeling trusted.

Secondly I don't care about money. I am educated. I have my own job. I don't think money is all I need from a potential partner since I don't buy or own luxury accessories, even if I go traveling around I still would go as backpacking instead of staying at fancy places experience fancy things.

Finally, I think I have an obsession with looks. The guy I involved with have to be on some level of my standards. It's not even strictly high standards, some of those things I want from a partner sounded ridiculous. Like nice teeth, not balding etc