Redhead14 Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 I don't agree, why waste any more energy on this? Hasn't it become rather obvious what the outcome will be? It's been ten years for pete's sake, with a short marriage thrown in for good measure. Op pushing to meet, him stalling, making excuses. Enough is enough, so no I don't agree, I think she should toss any such expectations of meeting or having a "relationship" in the trash, and, as central suggested, either be okay with a friendship (no sexting, no I miss you, or future talk) and just be friends. If she's not able to do that, then wish him well and move on. I didn't mean she should actually make a reservation, just tell him she did and then see what happens . . .
Author Lexxi Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 Maybe I just need you all to slap some sense into me, the posts I’ve created have mostly been about this guy. This one guy who lives in another state, I haven’t met in person yet, is all over the place with his interest levels, yet I can’t seem to just let go of him. Backstory: We “met” online 10 years ago when we were both single, didn’t meet due to distance and spoke briefly until we met our significant others. He had a long term girlfriend of 7 years, I got married, now divorced. Fast forward to now and we both reconnected last year, have a text/phone/FaceTime “friendship”. He always talks about how much he would love to meet me and how horrible it is that there’s so much distance between us, etc. some weeks he would text constantly, then he would go MIA for a week or even a month before. Through work, I have free airline credits which I thought I would extend to him to visit me and although he smiled and was all excited at first, he sort of hesitated. Throughout the past few months, I’ve offered this, and he just says how great it would be but obviously wouldn’t solidify any plans. Well I’m about 6 weeks, I’ll be going to a big event with some friends that involves something he is really into and goes to events like this quite often, but closer to his town. This particular one would involve pretty much a full day road trip for him but I thought I would ask him again. I figured maybe if he was apprehensive to come to my home town, maybe he might feel more comfortable going to a large weekend event in a neutral place. I hadn’t heard from him in a week but I still reached out to him to ask how he was and see if he has ever been to this particular festival, given his interest level in it. He replied “hey beautiful girl! How have you been? I haven’t been there but that sounds fun!” He proceeded to ask when it was and the bands performing. I told him I would be there and asked if he would consider going and meeting me there. His response was “that sounds like fun, I’ll see if I can.” I told him that would be great and it would be a good time and he said “I’d love that.” Now, does this sound like he’s just trying to be nice at this point and still has no intention of ever going and/or meeting? I guess I’ve just been trying to figure out if maybe he was just uncomfortable with my first offer, flying out to meet a stranger for the first time versus an easier offer of him going to this event with his friends and not worrying about meeting a stranger in her hometown. Should there be a time when I ask him if he’s decided if he is going or not? Or just see if he brings it up? So frustrating, I just wish there is someone great I could meet locally, but I have not had any luck with anyone out here. I keep going back to thinking about this one over and over.
basil67 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Lexxi, you're asking him to do a full day road trip. Sweetie, if he's not prepared to fly to meet you, he's certainly not going to spend a day each way on the road to do so.
Author Lexxi Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 Lexxi, you're asking him to do a full day road trip. Sweetie, if he's not prepared to fly to meet you, he's certainly not going to spend a day each way on the road to do so. Thank you for the reply Basil. Yes, I understand that, and I normally wouldn’t ask someone to take a full day road trip, but that’s actually his thing. He bought a little motor home just so he can take road trips like these so I thought I’d bring it up to him.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 How much more of your life and emotional energy are you going to waste hoping you'll eventually meet this dude after 10 years? There's no future here, girl. You need to stop trying to make it happen. 2
Zahara Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 (edited) I'm baffled. You've been trying to meet this man for over a year. A year. I'm sorry for being harsh but are you in such desperate need for a man that you have spent all this time, energy and emotion sitting around for this long trying to convince a man to meet you? This is dysfunctional. Where is your self-respect? He's given you lame excuses since Aug 2016 and we're now in Oct 2017, and he's still pushing you off and you're still trying to get him to see you. Aren't you turned off? Aren't you cringing at the fact that you've had to chase him for this long? Aren't you repulsed that someone believes that they can treat you this way? Aim higher, Lexxi. Create better standards for yourself. At some point you have to come to some realization that you deserve better. Edited October 4, 2017 by Zahara 6
kendahke Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Like I said last time: "I would give him a concrete set of dates that I was in his area for this concert. If he says anything other than "I'm so glad. Yes I'll go to the concert--we can meet at the will-call window at (time) and go in together and have fun. I'm so looking forward to this...", then right then and there, I would stop talking to him, I would block him, delete his contact information and go on with my life. This has gone on long enough. Either he wants to meet you in person or he doesn't. " I would tell him that you are done investing any more energy into this and that from here on out, to consider you dead to him, as you will consider him dead to you because that is how he has proceeded in the last 10 years. This is 10 years of your youth that you have squandered behind him that you will never get back. No living person, other than your spouse or children, deserve this level of investment--and no one deserves it with absolutely no ROI. 2
kendahke Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Yes, I understand that, and I normally wouldn’t ask someone to take a full day road trip, but) But nothing. Don't ask him to take a full day road trip because motor home or no, he's not going to gas it up for you and drive to where you'll be. He wouldn't gas it up and drive it if you told him you were on the corner of his block and to come pick you up. 1
Pumpkin008 Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Girl, he is married. Or creepy, or engaged, or a 70 year old man, or, or, or....pick your poison. There is a REASON this guy has avoided meeting you for so long and I'm sorry that you can't see it. He could text you claiming to be home, then you text him saying that you are outside his front door, and he will reply that he is at his sister's house instead. If you are having too much trouble breaking free then get yourself a new phone and don't add his number to it. No text, no calls, no nothing. Then go out and buy yourself a new pair of shoes or whatever it is that makes you happy. But you will be doing yourself a big favor if you stop wasting your time and energy on someone that is clearly jerking you around. There are real, live men out there to date instead. Go have fun with one of them. 3
kendahke Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 He could text you claiming to be home, then you text him saying that you are outside his front door, and he will reply that he is at his sister's house instead. Lexxi--you should do this. Seriously. See how he reacts. 1
Author Lexxi Posted October 4, 2017 Author Posted October 4, 2017 Lexxi--you should do this. Seriously. See how he reacts. I probably should, lol! Well on a more serious note, I get it. Sorry for bombarding you all with these posts about him. It’s not that I’m desperate to meet a man, I do meet some locally but none has clicked. I’m desperate to meet THIS man- very sad. Thank you all, I guess I’ve been stubborn, delusional, not willing to accept things the way they are. It seems like every time I begin to distance myself and haven’t heard from him for a while, he will text out of the blue and I get pulled right back in. So from now on, I will have to work on more self control if that happens again.
olivetree Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 Girl just let go already! He is shady as ****. He likes having you as a virtual side piece to boost his ego while he is your main dish. I know you've not got much going on in the rest of your life or at least romantically to put up with this, so you need to change that.
Zahara Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 (edited) It’s not that I’m desperate to meet a man, I do meet some locally but none has clicked. I’m desperate to meet THIS man- very sad. But this one has not clicked either -- you've magnified a virtual connection and created an image in your head of what you believe him to be. The truth is that you don't know who he is but the amount of time that you've invested in him has definitely shown you that he is unreliable and dubious. That you DO know. The man has rejected meeting you for over a year. This is not a "click". Thank you all, I guess I’ve been stubborn, delusional, not willing to accept things the way they are. It seems like every time I begin to distance myself and haven’t heard from him for a while, he will text out of the blue and I get pulled right back in. So from now on, I will have to work on more self control if that happens again. Of course he ropes you back in. What man isn't going to rope a woman who is willing to sit around for him and is still waiting for him for over a year to validate her. He knows you're weak. So the moment he feels he is losing control over you, he throws bait for you to bite. And lo and behold, you bite. He gets exactly what he needs from you. You're a benefit. Why give that up when it requires minimum effort? Self-control? No. You block him if you really want to get off this merry go round. Edited October 4, 2017 by Zahara 3
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 I'm curious, OP: What do you imagine this man to be like in person? What did you hope would happen if you had finally met? You admit you're desperate to meet him - why, exactly? What do you feel would change for you if you did? 2
kendahke Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 he will text out of the blue The block function works really well on your phone. 2
heavenonearth Posted October 4, 2017 Posted October 4, 2017 I just read the whole thread.. Oh my god Lexxi, I was you many years ago. back when I was 19, I fell for a guy who I literally ran after for almost a year until he finally said he'd be with me, but he was just using me, I wasted 3,5 years of my life with this guy who used me. I think eventually he loved me, but he never showed it until it was too late. I finally had the courage to leave him. And i was miserable the whole 3.5 years, because I was afraid to be alone. That's why I didn't leave. Afraid to be alone. See, I know my story is a bit different, but trust me, I was just like you. It really seems to me that you are afraid to let go off this guy because you don't want to be alone, you are afraid no one 'better' will come along. But that's ridiculous, Lexxi! There is always someone better, especially someone better than him. You said you don't click with any men in your area, so what, extend the search on whatever dating app you are, maybe another man who lives 1000 miles away is willing to fly out and meet you in an instant, because he is so smitten by you that he'd do anything for you. That is the kind of man you should lust after. Not this loser guy who doesn't even have wifi (no offense). Let him go. He's not worth it. He will NEVER make you happy. Even if he will agree to meet you three years down the line, you will NOT be happy with this man. I guarantee you, 100%, in a few years you will be happy you ended this, and you will wish you'd done it sooner. Good luck!
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