He’ll “see if he can go”, to finally meet for the first time.

[Lexxi]

Little update- I didn't ask him to come out because right before I was about to, he mentioned in his text that he was frustrated he didn't have any free time to do anything, because of his business and all the land he owns... So I just didn't think it would be appropriate to ask, although just yesterday he complained that his business has been hurting and he's getting "tired of his days off".

 

Well today, he was at his sister's house and texted me from there. This is the one who has wifi, where he said he was going to go to a few weeks back to see on on FaceTime, given he supposedly doesn't have wifi at home. He texted that he wished I were there with him. I asked if I could finally see him just for a couple of minutes on FaceTime since there is wifi connection there. Didn't ask for him to drop everything, just after he's done and about to leave. It's even as simple as a quick call when he's in the car about to leave as I know it will reach that far. All I wanted was just to see him for 30 seconds when he's done, not have a 2 hour FaceTime sex session with him at his sister's house. He said definitely, he will call when he's done eating. That was 2 hours ago. I just get a random text again saying "hi". Thought he was ready to call me so I responded and said hi back. Then I just get the good ol "I miss u", with no mention of the FaceTime conversation. So that's it I guess.

 

Won't be worth it to ask him if he'd fly out here if he can't even get on the damn phone to actually see each other live.

[katiegrl]

Lexxi, apologies if I sound too blunt, but this man is 100% full of ****.

 

Obviously he has no intention of ever face timing with you.... and if I were to venture a guess never meeting you in person either.

 

This is the second time he has bs'd you about face time, why aren't you turned off? I sure would be.

 

Personally I would have more respect for him if he were just honest about it -- he is NOT into video chat and will not be able to visit. Period.

 

That is honest and would allow you the decision as to whether you wish to continue with your cyber relationship, as is, or not.

 

This bozo is just a bull-******, playing you, period end of. Next!!!

Edited September 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lexxi]

Thank you all, for the replies.

 

Today has been the first day in a while that I didn't receive any texts from him, I'm assuming he's pulling back now because he has run out of excuses. And I'm fine with it, haven't had the desire to reach out to him either.

 

Just curious what you all think as to the reason a man would want to keep something up like this if he isn't even interested in meeting a woman, like he's obviously not going to get sex out of it. Especially if he does have a girlfriend, he could have sex with her vs. texting someone else in another state. I can see that if he intends on meeting the woman, but it's obvious he doesn't want to meet me. All this just for flirting/ sexual conversations?

Edited September 6, 2016 by Lexxi

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you all, for the replies.

 

Today has been the first day in a while that I didn't receive any texts from him, I'm assuming he's pulling back now because he has run out of excuses. And I'm fine with it, haven't had the desire to reach out to him either.

 

Just curious what you all think as to the reason a man would want to keep something up like this if he isn't even interested in meeting a woman, like he's obviously not going to get sex out of it. Especially if he does have a girlfriend, he could have sex with her vs. texting someone else in another state. I can see that if he intends on meeting the woman, but it's obvious he doesn't want to meet me. All this just for flirting/ sexual conversations?

 

All of what, exactly?

 

He hasn't really done much that requires a lot of effort. He gets attention and validation without ever having to actually show himself. That's not some great feat. He's had his fun feeling wanted by you.

 

But I think you both know the jig is up. He is avoiding speaking live to you in a video call for a reason. Only he actually knows what that is. Maybe he looks drastically different from photos you've seen. Maybe he's stolen someone else's photos and it's not him at all. Perhaps his wife/girlfriend isn't around much or isn't into him anymore. Maybe he's one of these guys who uses dirty chat as a type of foreplay to fire himself up when he's having sex with his partner; heck, maybe she's in on it, too. (And yes, there are people who do this. I once dated a guy who revealed an odd desire for me to sext unknowing men. He told me it would turn him on to read a dirty convo between me and another man. I didn't play along because I don't think it's right to use people who have no idea what's actually happening! You don't know who has been reading your messages, is my point) People are capable of all sorts of things.

 

The bottom line is that he's hiding something. And it's not going anywhere beyond what you see now.

[preraph]

I might have missed something, so forgive me, but have you at least talked to him on the phone? Hearing his voice, you at least know it's a man and might be able to gauge his age and tell more about him. And also, if he can't do that, it's a red flag for a catfish or married guy.

[Lexxi]

Yes, we have talked on the phone several times, even a conversation once that lasted 2.5 hours. So I do know he's a guy... And same voice, same guy I remember from 10 years ago

 

He actually texted earlier apologizing for not calling last night and I replied saying I expected it and that there is no reason to communicate anymore because I have made him uncomfortable asking him, and he has made me uncomfortable and he responded that he promised he would video chat when he's alone with wifi and not at a family member's house. I left it at that and a couple hours later, here he is texting me again just asking me how my night was and just talking about work...

[angel.eyes]

Yes, we have talked on the phone several times, even a conversation once that lasted 2.5 hours. So I do know he's a guy... And same voice, same guy I remember from 10 years ago

 

Same voice that you also did not meet in the flesh ten years ago!!

 

The lesson in all of this is to not waste your time on a guy who can't meet. Practically speaking, how would you ever sustain a relationship when even attempting to get a first date is so difficult?

 

In the future, a week or two tops, and then you move on to the next. Please don't spin your wheels like this again. Don't waste precious time exploring empty rabbit holes for a catfish..

[andie1969]

If you know his full name and the county he lives in, you should be able to pull up things like marriage/divorce records, etc. Trust me, I had a cheating ex husband and became a super sleuth real quick. After I started dating again I checked out stuff like that, heck even things like speeding tickets show up.

 

Good luck, but I too think he's full of crap.

[Lexxi]

Hi all, back on here to see if I can get some advice/suggestions regarding a guy I've been talking to whom I've connected with online. This is the same guy I have posted about before but a few little things have changed which, could mean something or nothing at all.

 

Background: "met" online 10 years ago- he lives 1,100 miles away so it wasn't so easy meeting in person. We talked for a few months then I met my husband, who is now my ex husband. So this guy and I obviously cut off all contact due to my marriage and kids, he also started a relationship which lasted 7 years.

 

He contacted me out of the blue a few years back and I was still married so I told him that, so no contact. Then fast forward to the present- we are both single, we started talking again last summer. I posted before that we still haven't met and a few of you suggested he may be catfishing but since then, we started face timing once or twice a month, at first it was pretty sexual, and so were the texts.

 

In the past couple of months, the texts not really sexual anymore, we FaceTime more often and that is not sexual anymore either. He's very sweet, talks about how much he adores me and how he wishes we weren't so far apart because he would love to be in a relationship with me. When he used to talk sex all the time, now he is actually asking me about my day, just wants to FaceTime to see me for the heck of it, we joke a lot, sometimes the conversations will last 3 hours or so.

 

So here's the problem I'm having. I think he's just amazing and would really love to meet him. He just moved back to his hometown last month to start a new job so I get he's busy, but I have suggested we meet for a weekend which he always replies with "I'd love to meet you" or "I wish!!!"

 

I am fortunate that I have airline credits through work where I could fly friends and family (Domestic of course) as long as I pay tax, which is nothing. I mentioned this to him over the phone and asked if I took care of it, would he be up for it. Now we weren't face timing so I couldn't see his expression but he did pause for a moment then said "yeah that'd be awesome, I'll have to see when I can have a weekend to come out, that would be so fun." That was a couple of weeks ago.

 

Now I don't know if I just totally sounded like a creep asking this but was that reasonable? And if he really wanted to meet and his airfare would've been covered, he would jump on it right?

 

I don't know why he keeps saying he would love to see me... just yesterday he sent me a message saying he wished he was with me and just able to do random things like get coffee and go watch a western film, etc.

 

Should I actually wait a bit until he's more settled in with work perhaps, and actually ask again and this time, ask when he would want to if he says yes? And if he's reluctant, do I ask what's keeping him from doing so since he says all the time he wants to meet? And if he is apprehensive again, maybe just stop contacting him?

 

Forgot to add- yes, I have gone out on dates with others close by, but none have progressed into anything. It's unfortunate how much I enjoy talking to this guy and how much we have in common. It's frustrating I can't just drive down the street to see him

Edited June 29, 2017 by Lexxi

[ExpatInItaly]

Given your past thread about him, and his current reluctance to meet, I think he is hiding something or someone from you. I realize you FaceTime now, but that still doesn't give you the whole picture about this person.

 

I would take a big step back on communications. Unless and until there are solid plans to meet, this is a waste of your time.

[Lexxi]

Given your past thread about him, and his current reluctance to meet, I think he is hiding something or someone from you. I realize you FaceTime now, but that still doesn't give you the whole picture about this person.

 

I would take a big step back on communications. Unless and until there are solid plans to meet, this is a waste of your time.

 

Thank you. So should I try once more to make plans? Or just wait to see if he will ever suggest meeting?

[RecentChange]

If he keeps dodging the subject I would just call him out on it.

 

I would tell him how you two have spent a lot on time this at this point, and that you don't understand his reluctance, and that you need an answer. Is he going to come out and see if this can be real, or is it all just talk?

[Chilli]

Well , he has just moved and l know personally how that can hold up the show.

But l'm thinking he's more so dodging a visit tbh.

Def' don't ask again , he's well aware already.

And don't start up anything sexual with him again from now on, that'll just string it out longer if he's really just fulla sh@t.

 

Tbh , l'd back off and let him do some chasing and if he does then tell him it's just silly going on if he doesn't even wanna meet .

If he doesn't come back with a plan then l think best just let it go.

Well , unless your happy with some chit chat thing that'll never be more.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you. So should I try once more to make plans? Or just wait to see if he will ever suggest meeting?

 

Don't bother waiting any longer.

 

Personally, I would just move on. Think of how long he dodged even talking live to you on FaceTime or Skype - he is hiding something. Even if you met once, this is unlikely to go anywhere considering how hard it is to even arrange one meeting. But since this has been brewing for years and you have been too accommodating so far (in my opinion), I have a feeling you're going to need a more definitive end before you will be able to truly forget about him.

 

Tell him that you enjoy your chats but that you are looking for something real. In order for that to happen, you need to plan a meeting (ie. with tickets, reservations, and so on) for you to be able to continue communicating. Be clear that if he cannot nail down a weekend when he is available (and if he is still vague about when he's free, take that as a "no") then you two will need to wish each other the best and part ways.

[kendahke]

I would give him a concrete set of dates that I would be coming to see him. If he says anything other than "I'm so glad. Yes come I want to finally see you", then right then and there, I would stop talking to him, I would block him, delete his contact information and go on with my life.

 

This has gone on long enough. Either he wants to meet you in person or he doesn't. He can clear his schedule long enough to meet you--he's got 3 hours/pop to talk to you on the phone, he can spend 3 hours/pop in your presence.

[Redhead14]

Thank you. So should I try once more to make plans? Or just wait to see if he will ever suggest meeting?

 

I would never fly to see a man. If he's truly interested and available, he will arrange a flight and hotel and spend some time with you.

 

Going to a strange place, to meet a virtual stranger, taking yourself out of your element is not a good idea. I don't care how long you think you've "known" him, you don't know him at all . . .

[Gaeta]

You need to put the breaks on.

 

You are ready to waste your traveling points on a man that can't even bother to check his agenda. He will never meet you, he likes you right where you are - in virtual lala-land.

 

I have been there, I offered 5 times to jump on a plane and meet him over a year and he always had an excuse. We never met. Moving on was the hardest thing to do but the best for me. Those online romances have a way to hold your brain and heart hostage. It's time for you to put that fantasy to rest and come back to real life.

[central]

Let's say you do manage to meet, and all is great. Where could this lead? Are either of you able and willing to relocate, eventually? Until then, could you see each other enough to have an actual relationship?

 

 

I'm not a fan of LDRs, even though I've had a few myself. And I've had several people I've corresponded or chatted with for YEARS, and then finally met in person - as friends.

 

 

Anyway, unless he is enthusiastic about meeting you if you make the effort to go see him, leave this as an online friendship with NO further expectations. If you can't, then you'll have to end contact so that you can move on in REAL life and look for someone within a reasonable distance.

[Lexxi]

Thank you all so much for your input. It really helped me see things differently because I think I was just not willing to look at the big picture- he just had no intention to meet. Ever.

 

Given the fact that I offered up a FREE plane ticket, he still didn't jump on it. I could offer to fly out there but as a woman, I just don't feel that comfortable doing so. Maybe that's the case with him. Or maybe like I had mentioned above, he just never had any intention of meeting in the first place.

 

He was messaging me last night and we sort of agreed that we would talk and "see" each other this weekend. I don't know if I should try to feel him out prior to asking once more but I'm starting to think maybe to do just what some of you are saying- step back and bit and just move on.

 

I don't know why for some reason, I can't just click with anyone I meet in my area, yet, I really do enjoy everything I've heard and seen from this man who is so far away. Just very frustrating.

[Midnight.Amber]

 

I don't know why for some reason, I can't just click with anyone I meet in my area, yet, I really do enjoy everything I've heard and seen from this man who is so far away.

 

^^ Could the reason why you enjoy everything you've heard and seen from this man who is so far away be precisely because he lives so far away?

 

It's emotionally safer that way, no threat of feeling mentally/physically suffocated or stifled. You still get to have the emotional connection you want and need without doing any heavy lifting to maintain a real life "relationship."

 

It's also dreamy and romantic, something right out of the best romance novel. You miss him, think about him, and attach all these dreamy qualities to him that have nothing to do with reality.

 

With men who live local, there is that "pressure." To spend time together, certain responsibilities. No dreaminess, he's real, right there in front of you.

 

I know it sounds crazy but that prospect can be scary for some people, especially those with commitment issues.

 

Not suggesting you have commitment issues, but your above comment is very telling. Something you may want to consider and explore within yourself.

Edited June 29, 2017 by Midnight.Amber

[ExpatInItaly]

I really do enjoy everything I've heard and seen from this man

 

And that's just it: you enjoy what you know. But unless you meet in person, there is still plenty you don't know. He is showing you only what he wants to, and the rest is anyone's guess.

 

The point is you have gotten attached to a fraction of him, and not the whole picture. I have a suspicion you might not like the rest of it if you knew this guy's entire story, which is exactly why he is so evasive and avoidant.

[Redhead14]

Tell him you've made a flight reservation and will be there on Xday next week and will need a ride from the airport . . . observe his reaction carefully.

[Midnight.Amber]

 

Anyway, unless he is enthusiastic about meeting you if you make the effort to go see him, leave this as an online friendship with NO further expectations.

 

If you can't, then you'll have to end contact so that you can move on in REAL life and look for someone within a reasonable distance.

 

Agree with this, especially what's in bold, assuming he's okay with just a friendship too.

 

If not, central is right, end the contact and look to connect with men more local.

[Midnight.Amber]

Tell him you've made a flight reservation and will be there on Xday next week and will need a ride from the airport . . . observe his reaction carefully.

 

I don't agree, why waste any more energy on this? Hasn't it become rather obvious what the outcome will be?

 

It's been ten years for pete's sake, with a short marriage thrown in for good measure.

 

Op pushing to meet, him stalling, making excuses.

 

Enough is enough, so no I don't agree, I think she should toss any such expectations of meeting or having a "relationship" in the trash, and, as central suggested, either be okay with a friendship (no sexting, no I miss you, or future talk) and just be friends.

 

If she's not able to do that, then wish him well and move on.

Edited June 29, 2017 by Midnight.Amber

[BaileyB]

Let it be... Let it be...

 

This is an online friendship, and nothing more. He has made absolutely no effort to meet you, so I would just let it go. Personally, I find it creepy that your communications have been so sexual when you haven't even met this guy.

 

Something is really, really wrong here...