Lexxi Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I had posted about this guy I "met" online 10 years ago whom I've never met in person because we went our separate ways before it even came to that, and we live in separate states. He got in a relationship, and so did I. I got married, had kids and divorced in that 10 years. A couple of years ago, he texted out of the blue and I had to tell him at the time I was married so we did not continue contacting each other. Then a month ago, I reached out to him. We have been texting, talking on the phone, and sending photos this past month and I really enjoy our conversations. He is very sweet, every morning I wake up to a "good morning sexy" text, a random texts in the evening "hey, I miss you." We talk on the phone, things always get a little dirty, we have even had a 2.5 hour conversation before. So my problems are 1. We have never live chatted via Skype or FaceTime. One night we had planned to, he texted me asking if I was home and available cause he wanted to FaceTime me. 10 seconds later I get a text "damn it, it won't let me FaceTime without wifi, I don't have wifi here". I told him just to use his cellular data, and he mentioned that he is unable to do that due to the fact that he had an older iPhone 4, which actually requires wifi. He does live on farm land and lives simple, kind of a country boy so part of me believes it's true that he doesn't have wifi. And I do know the older iPhones do require wifi to FaceTime. It's weird cause he said he would then go to his sister's house to use her wifi cause he wanted to see me really bad. He said she lived a ways away and she wasn't home but he had access to her house. Fair enough. Half hour passes and I get a text from him asking when I was going to bed and he was still "going to try". Then another half hour and he says he just got to his sister's house and he was so upset that he doesn't have her wifi password so no FaceTime. I didn't ask him to contact her for it cause I didn't want to be pushy and it was already late. He ended up calling me and we talked for a bit. I know he is who he says he is through social media and other searches so I am 100% sure on that. Sounds like he really isn't interested in taking it further than just a texting and talking "relationship" huh? I also have access to buddy passes on a certain air carrier and through text, actually offered him a free buddy pass to come visit me and all I got was "oh yeah? That's great, maybe we should talk further huh? :)" then later on after an hour of back and forth just talking about our day, things got very flirty with photo exchanges and things we would do to each other, etc. and so I texted "you need to come visit me lol". His response was just "Lol". I ended the conversation and that was it. Then the next morning I got a "good morning beautiful :)" he always talks about him wishing I was next to him in bed, he would never let go of me... He talks about it but when presented with the opportunity, he avoids it. Not sure what to do and what to say at this point.
BaileyB Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Let him go. He is playing with you... Nothing good can come from this. As good as it may feel to have someone to talk to and get those good morning texts, you need to focus your time and energy on finding someone who wants to be present in your life. 3
Author Lexxi Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 I don't know what the problem is, but I just can't seem to find anyone out here. I enjoy talking to him so much, we have a lot in common, I don't know how I can just let him go. And how would I do that, just drop off the face of the earth basically and stop responding to him completely? Do I just try to feel him out first and see what he's thinking? I don't know, perhaps he would still like to become more comfortable with me prior to actually meeting me? So hard to tell, it's frustrating cause I don't want to just let him go if all he needs is just more time to feel comfortable, but at the same time, I certainly don't want to be played with.
BaileyB Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 (edited) In order to have a relationship, you need two willing partners. It doesn't sound like he is a willing partner. You can let him go by simply telling him that you have decided that the relationship will not work. Tell him that it was nice to talk with him, and wish him well. I understand that it is really hard to date. I can appreciate the feeling that you can't seem to find someone that you connect with, despite your best efforts to meet people. I was single for many years and I had pretty much given up the idea that I would meet someone and have a good relationship. But, this spring it happened. And, I am beyond happy! I thin, the last thing you want to do is hang onto a "relationship" that really isn't a "relationship" with a guy who doesn't want to date you. And, I think he has shown that he doesn't want to date you. If he was really interested, his behaviors would be very different - he would make the effort to see you (on FaceTime) or meet you in person. He wouldn't "lol" you when you tell him you have the means to fly him to you. It's easy to send a good morning text, but a relationship takes so much more effort... Just my two cents, for what it's worth... But I would really encourage you to have more self respect than to grasp on to someone who really isn't, and doesn't seem to want, to be present in your life. All the best. Edited September 5, 2016 by BaileyB 4
angel.eyes Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 He's flirting and sexting you! I would say he's plenty comfortable. Look, he won't meet you even when you offer him free airfare to visit you!!! Nor will he let you see him in real time. For all you know, those are three-year old photos he's sending you, and he's 450 pounds now. The sweet nothings are meaningless because he has no intention of actually progressing things to an in-person relationship. You can either continue to invest emotionally in a fantasy, or you can take all that time and mental headspace you're wasting on him and invest it in finding a real man who actually wants a real life relationship in the here and now. Your choice, your life! 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Are you sure he isn't attached? He sounds like someone who wants to keep it online only because he has something to hide. 1
BaileyB Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Good points sunkissedpatio. It would make perfect sense! 1
Author Lexxi Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 It has crossed my mind, that he is attached. When we first started talking, I asked him immediately if he was in a relationship and he said no. Of course he can lie. We just talked the other night and I had brought it up again, he mentioned that it's been a long time since he's been with someone and that he lives close to 30 minutes from an actual town because he's on 30 acres of farm land. And even in town, there are just no attractive girls where he is. I haven't seen his Facebook, as I don't have an an account, but his profile photo is just of him. I know that doesn't mean much, but I guess I'll never have a real answer to that.
Author Lexxi Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 Oh, and he has initiated conversations every single day. I heard from him last night with a "hey I miss you" text. Texted him back that I missed him too and no response after that but didn't expect one. Then this afternoon I initiated just to say hello and no response at all and it's been oh, close to 7 hours when it takes him less than 10 minutes usually. Makes sense he might have a girlfriend given that this is a long weekend and probably spending it with her.
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Well it could be totally true and he is being honest with you that he really is in the middle of nowhere and the only "man on the island" or it could be he is hiding something/someone. I don't see anything wrong with asking him point blank "hey the other day when I offered you a buddy pass to come and meet me you didn't react much, do you want to meet because I don't see why we would do this via text all the time when we could be getting to know one another face to face" If he avoids it or gives you the runaround it really doesn't make sense to stick around to find out what his deal is. Oh and not everyone in relationships have pics of themselves and their S/O as a FB profile pic.
angel.eyes Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 It's just strange that both the first time around (ten years ago) and now this time you haven't ever met, and he's pretty disinterested in an in-person meeting. Yet he somehow finds time to communicate constantly, albeit not this weekend.
Author Lexxi Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 Ok so just for the hell of it, should I just straight up ask him on a serious note, one last time, if he would be willing to take a buddy pass to meet me? Or will that just make me look more like a creep and very pushy?
Deidre Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 He's not who he says he is, most likely. I'd go no contact.
Author Lexxi Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 I asked him 5 days ago. And I do know for a fact he is who he says he is. I'm just unsure of his relationship status at this point.
sunshine2 Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 This sounds very familiar. I wonder if its the same guy I did this on and off thing with for 3 years LOL I wasted soooo much time connecting with a guy who lived 3 hours away from me. Late night talks turned into sexting and then we did go to video. So I did know what he looked like and all that, but it took 3 years to finally meet and when we did, it was a disaster. I can say its a relief that I no longer have those late night calls and am getting sleep. That Im no longer putting energy into thoughts about why I haven't heard from him in 3 days, and all the other BS you feel cause you think its a relationship and think you feel so connected to each other and share everything, etc. But it is all a fantasy. Until you meet, you have no clue what this guy is really like. You don't really know his mannerisms, how he smells, how tall he is, how he talks, laughs, etc. In my case, he was nothing like the fantasy. Unless he is committed to meeting you very very soon, I would recommend that you move on now. You are wasting precious time connecting with someone you might never meet. You could be spending that time meeting someone local who you really enjoy being with. I know its hard, but you will be so relieved. It only took me a couple weeks to stop mourning my relationship, and then I started actively dating again because I decided that I want something real. I will NEVER do that again to myself. Its just not worth it. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 This sounds very familiar. I wonder if its the same guy I did this on and off thing with for 3 years LOL I wasted soooo much time connecting with a guy who lived 3 hours away from me. Late night talks turned into sexting and then we did go to video. So I did know what he looked like and all that, but it took 3 years to finally meet and when we did, it was a disaster. Why what happened when you met? You have seriously piqued my curiosity now. Lexxi just ask him point blank if he wants to meet in person, and if he says ya sure then say ok I have the buddy pass as I mentioned the other day, let's pick a date. It's not pushy it's smart not to waste any more time on who knows what.
Author Lexxi Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 Interesting- he just texted me... 10 hours after I texted him saying hi, sorry he thought he replied to my text earlier and good night. I just replied with a good night and then he went and asked how my day looked tomorrow. We texted briefly about our days off and I just sort of left the conversation as his last text didn't really warrant a response. I haven't heard of someone thinking that they responded to a text, maybe that happens to some people? Oh well, I am going to try my best to let this one go, I know I won't do a very good job of it because I'm kind of emotionally invested and genuinely liked him and wanted to finally meet. I am really bummed about this one.
angel.eyes Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 It's too bad you wasted a few months being distracted by this guy. That's why it's so important to meet sooner rather than later. You figure out whether things are a go before you become emotional invested from the pseudo-intimacy of constant messaging and excitement from a fantasy of what might be someday. Lesson learned for the next time you connect with someone online. Focus on guys who are willing to meet fairly promptly. If they can't meet in a reasonable timeframe (in most cases within 1-3 weeks), it's not worth continuing.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 This sounds like a waste of time. He's either dating someone or he's not who he portrays himself to be. Either way, it's pretty pointless to keep texting someone who won't make themselves available to meet in person. I'm curious though - you said you don't have Facebook and thus can't see his account, but then go on to say you verified who he is through social media? What do you mean? If you're basing your assessment on a single FB profile picture, you need to realize that one little photo means almost nothing.
Author Lexxi Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 True, I don't have a Facebook, but able to see his profile photo only. His phone number, while doing a reverse search does confirm his business (he owns his own business and is also linked to his name). I also have a friend who actually has Facebook and asked her to see if she might be able to help confirm that it's really him and she was actually able to go a little further and see just certain comments on his profile page, I guess comments to his photo? And he has a family member on there that actually has photos of him on her page- so it's really him. Most recent on her page though, was close to a year ago, so maybe he looks different now perhaps? I did notice when we text photos of each other, his photos are not consistent, meaning, he will look extremely muscular in one photo where he actually admits it was a while back. Other photos he looks not so muscular and bulky but very toned, and a few nights ago I asked him to snap me a photo of himself while was was relaxing in bed, and it was a photo of his shirtless torso basically, up to his eyes, but I knew it was definitely him because I know his face. But then he looked nice and fit with not as much muscle. So I'm not sure what photo out of the bunch I've received, is actually most current. When he asks for me to take a photo, I will take one for him, not choose from old photos. Not sure if this is what he's been doing all this time, but yeah... It won't be so easy to just disappear on him.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 I haven't heard of someone thinking that they responded to a text, maybe that happens to some people? Oh well, I am going to try my best to let this one go, I know I won't do a very good job of it because I'm kind of emotionally invested and genuinely liked him and wanted to finally meet. I am really bummed about this one. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he's never experienced this 'confusion' about whether he replied or not when he's in the middle of sexting with you. You're wasting your time with this guy. In fact, take sexting completely off the menu for one month. See how attentive he is, then.
joseb Posted September 5, 2016 Posted September 5, 2016 Oh, and he has initiated conversations every single day. I heard from him last night with a "hey I miss you" text. Texted him back that I missed him too OK, is it just me or does it not really make any sense that you "miss" someone that you never met? If anyone starts saying how much they like me or they miss me and I haven't even met, I assume they are full of it and will say that to anybody. Anyway... You can try being really direct with this guy... I enjoy speaking with you but it's time we either shyte or get off of the pot, can you meet me x date in next few weeks? If he's not happy to meet its time to end this, unless you are happy just being a sexting buddy rather than having a real relationship. 2
Author Lexxi Posted September 5, 2016 Author Posted September 5, 2016 Yeah the "I miss you" part, I've taken that as he misses conversing with me, not necessarily that he really misses ME. I woke up this morning to see a text from him again, so I will try to ask him once more if he would like to take me up on the offer of coming out to see me.
katiegrl Posted September 6, 2016 Posted September 6, 2016 Yeah the "I miss you" part, I've taken that as he misses conversing with me, not necessarily that he really misses ME. I woke up this morning to see a text from him again, so I will try to ask him once more if he would like to take me up on the offer of coming out to see me. Lexxi, let us know what happens.... fingers crossed that this works out for you!
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