Allgoldenmighty Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 What do y'all think? Me and my ex have recently just broke up (2 days ago to be exact lol) and even during the relationship, we mutually felt like we were moving too fast and just needed to be friends. But so i'm not missing all the details: we are in our early 20's, dated for almost 5 months, and he broke up with me a week before the most recent break up saying we should be friends, i then confessed my feelings and things i know i need to work on to be with anyone else and myself then boom, we're back together. We definitely rushed into being together way too fast in the beginning and after the initial break up (which made us feel a little weird when we tried to hang out the week we were together lol). He has a family problem right now that making him currently be under weird living circumstances (lives with his aunt with strict rules), and has a lot of friends that he definitely loves being around (which was a constant argument of me being jealous and wanting to be with him all the time). He also doesn't really have his life completely together (direction, goals, etc.) and we agreed (even during the relationship) we were great for each other but the timing didn't seem right for the romantic part. We fought a lot at one point but we started working on stuff. It then became clear to me that he couldn't give his all due to everything going on and that he seriously needs to focus on his life, where he wants to go, and himself. I was even okay with sticking around because i've been through hard times too and I know i could be a great back bone for him whenever he needed me but he felt that if he were to be with someone he wants to give them his all which was a hard pill to swallow but I understand better now. I took the first break-up harder than I should have but after we talked about it, i understood that i'm more mature and stronger than crying and being heartbroken over someone who still wants to be there in my life. After the second time he did, we both took it hard since we knew this was a real goodbye to the relationship but as I am continuing with life, i'm learning it will be okay to move on and dating other people will be a little weird but it will happen and it will be okay to do (not anytime soon though because this big heart needs a f^%#ing break from these relationships). We still want to hang out, drink together, talk about issues going on in life, support each other, and just do fun things that you do in your 20's and that we were doing as a couple because we truly have way too much fun together to not hang out and still be friends. We have an understanding of what our friendship should be so trying to rekindle feelings and getting back together could be a possibility but not what we are looking for and what we need at ALL! I know my feelings are still fertile and so are his which is why we are in a nc stage rn just so we can get our feelings in check before becoming friends like that. Maybe like the night of the break-up, i felt like all I wanted to do was be with him (there's still a little hope obviously but not counting on that false hope lol) but right now, I'm okay. I have little waves of sad emotions but in general, i'm happier about this than I thought I was going to be. I'm super dramatic in moments but I get over things pretty fast so it's not like i never loved him enough to where I'm getting over things too quickly, i think we love each other enough to give each other respect to let ourselves live our own lives, to grow and become stronger. I just hope he doesn't switch up and not want to be friends...that'd hurt worse than the breakup and he even said himself at one point that he was scared that we were going to lose contact with each other. We even talked about being fwb because the sex is kinda too good to just let go right now since we've always been attracted to each other and we don't plan to be committed to anyone so why tf not time to time. I know that seeing him with someone else will hurt but if it's someone that makes him happy and helps him become a better person, i want him to have it all without a doubt in my heart and the same goes for him with me. But I see a lot of people saying it's pointless to be good friends and we shouldn't do it but we really enjoy each others company a lot. Even his friends and family that love me (who i truly adore so much) think i'm good for him but I think i'm good for him in a motivational bestfriend way you know? I see him as a potential bestfriend because we bring to the table what the other person lacks. I make sure there's never a boring moment, he keeps me in check when i'm being too much, we motivate each other to do better and to keep pushing for our goals in life, and we really enjoy each others company a lot. My question is, what do you guys think about this? Is it a good idea to stay friends? I see a lot of people say it's a terrible idea but I think that just stems from immaturity and infatuation. Tl:dr: go back and f#%*ing read because every detail matters
Been Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 No. You already crossed that line. And you pretend all you want about just being friends is good enough. What happens when one of you meets someone else? Keep telling yourself nobody is gonna end up getting jealous. And keep telling yourself that their SO is gonna be cool with the two of you hanging out. I've never seen FWB work. Somebody always ends up bitter.
Author Allgoldenmighty Posted October 2, 2017 Author Posted October 2, 2017 (edited) No. You already crossed that line. And you pretend all you want about just being friends is good enough. What happens when one of you meets someone else? Keep telling yourself nobody is gonna end up getting jealous. And keep telling yourself that their SO is gonna be cool with the two of you hanging out. I've never seen FWB work. Somebody always ends up bitter. Yeah i was thinking the same but just the type of people we are, being bitter and jealous is not really a thing. Like this isn't like a new thing for us to want to be friends. My other ex before him, who dated for nearly 4 years i moved across the country for when I was 20, him and I are friends but personality wise, we just don't click enough to hang out like that. We even still talk and this recent ex was completely okay with it because he understood that i wanted nothing to do with him, he has a thumb print to my phone so no secrets there, and we never hung out after the relationship anyways (it was a bad one). And we already discussed if there is someone else and if they aren't comfortable with the friendship either they can get over it because we are truly platonic or we just stop talking if he respects them that much and I will respect that. If anyone dates him with insecurities they are going to be at a total loss and good luck to that relationship but he is certainly not someone i can see myself with anytime soon. We are just on two different wave lengths when it comes to romance right now so feelings aren't all the way there. And about the fwb, i'm cool with just stopping it. He isn't the only guy i can sleep with lol. I know there are options but i'm cool with it for now because we honestly can seperate the two and until I feel like it's going too far and someone starts catching feelings i'll stop it. I have absolutely no expectations out of this friendship. I look at him (always kind of have) like i look at my other bestfriends. We definitely crossed a line but we never got to be completely open with each other so that it got to such a romantic level. I just hope that he doesn't change his mind sporatically and not want to be friends at all because that would be confusing and hurtful. Edited October 2, 2017 by Allgoldenmighty More content needed
Been Posted October 3, 2017 Posted October 3, 2017 Its natural to become jealous. For example if he got into a great relationship and you were still single you would become envious without knowing it. If you were just friends it would have remained just that-friends. But the two of you obviously were attracted to one another so a relationship developed for however long. Its not like it was a one time thing and the two of you realized it wouldn't workout so you reverted back to being friends- you were in a relationship. And the more time you spend together with each other SOMEONE has the strong possibility of catching feelings more then friends because after all those feelings were once evident. I'm not saying you can't hang out or talk but I would recommend on a limited basis.
muffinman1127 Posted October 3, 2017 Posted October 3, 2017 Wow, super similar to my recent breakup in age, duration, intensity etc. if you want to look forward a bit (if you're anything like me), I was really close friends with my ex gf for a couple weeks, starting about 3 months post breakup (had very limited contact in those months). It was really great, but she is seeing someone else now and after a few weeks it started to get to me. I told her and now I'm cutting contact for a while. Still on good terms and hope to pick it up when things settle down. So I guess I agree that you're almost guaranteed to have an issue disrupt your friendship. I do still think that it can be a really mature thing - just make sure you're ready and that it's what you really want and not just lingering romantic feelings. I know it's a struggle, you're not alone
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