unconsciously sending the wrong message?

[Mememe3]

Hey so I went out with this guy a few weeks ago and I thought we had a good time, however the next day we hardly talked and he seemed uninterested.

but then we studied for an exam together, things went well, and he made a joke about taking me out to get mcdonalds after I said I hated mcdonalds. (he does this often) and then he texted me the next day and we were talking again.

Then once again, things seemed to die down. I'm kind of shy, and haven't initiated much conversation with him and have been very reserved when talking to him.

I asked him to come see a movie with me and my other friend. I did this mostly because I didn't have a car, and so I needed someone to drive, but I felt weird about asking him to drive.

We had a good time at the movies, and the next day we were talking again. There was a bingo night and I said that I hated bingo, and he made another joke about us going out to play bingo. I was being sarcastic and said that he seemed to be misreading things, and then he said 'yeah I misread things a lot'

and since then we are once again on hardly talking terms.

I wonder if my actions (not kissing him after our date, not initiating conversation often, and inviting him to see a movie with another friend) is all saying that I'm not interested, only in being friends. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to be just friends. He seems to be looking for a relationship.

Either that, or he's not interested in me and just likes to talk to me sometimes and only came to the movie because he really wanted to see it. Although, he did touch my thigh and from what I understand, a guy won't do that unless he's really sending a direct message of interest, or if you're really comfortable with each other, which can't be the case because we've only been talking a month.

Because I am shy, and a little socially anxious, I usually rely on the other person to be more assertive and clear, and then kind of allow them to create the relationship. But I'm wondering if in this situation I need to be more clear that I am interested.

It would be nice if I could just talk to him, however, that seems really silly and kind of immature. How do you ask someone if they "like" you as mature adults? How do I go about finding if he wants to date me more, or if he actually didn't enjoy our date and is no longer interested?

[d0nnivain]

I think it's entirely possible that you have given him the impression that you are not interested.

 

As scary as it is, send him a text. Just a text. Say hi. Ask how his night is going. You don't have to declare your undying love for him. You don't have to ask him out . . . just reach out. Be sure to smile enthusiastically without looking like a loon when you see him. If all else fails ask to see his class notes at least once per week & do mention to him where you will be if you are going socializing -- going to play foozball in student union later; probably hanging out at Alpha Beta Kappa fraternity on Thursday. Hope to see you there.

[act00]

Shooting down and "hating" his suggestions isn't really good footing. You hate McDonald's and you hate Bingo. Okay then. Add this to the layers of being shy and stand-offish, I think that you are very much sending "not interested" signals.

 

Let's soften things up a little. "I'm not fond of McDonald's, how do you feel about Jack in the Box or Denny's is open late." Would it kill you to partake of Bingo or McDonald's because he likes these things? Can you offer up another idea, "Instead of Bingo, do you like mini-golf? We can talk more with mini-golf."

 

You state you have a sarcastic sense of humor, and you're also introverted and shy, and that's just a whole sum of darkness when you roll it all together with someone who doesn't know you. You need to be cautious of sarcastic humor with new people. It doesn't always translate well (trust me, I know), and with a new guy who is insecure and nervous, the fact you "hate everything," is going to be difficult to maneuver. I don't get other people's sense of humor and it can lead to me being hurt (I don't do well with teasing and practical jokes), so I try to let it roll off my back, but with someone I'm genuinely interested in knowing, if it feels judgmental, I'm one foot out the door. It just doesn't work for me, and I could end up crying.

 

Don't throw people directly into the fire. Tone it down while they get to know you. Some personalities will stick, others won't. Remember, he's just as nervous as you are, and while you don't want to shut off your personality completely, you are you, you can exhibit some caution.

 

In addition to working on being a bit more assertive and outgoing (with him and in general), I think it would be useful to soften the humor a little bit and be less rigid. If you truly despise a particular activity, don't use the word "hate," but instead state it's not an activity you prefer, and you'd like to find something else. At times, would it kill you to get a Coke at McDonald's? Is Bingo that bad? It's always useful if you can say something like, "I can't really talk to you if we do that. What about....?"