Think I want to have my cake and eat it too - in love but dating others. ?

[GirlWithQuestion]

I'm 26, and I dated a guy (30) for a month, became official for a month, until he told me he realized he didn't want a relationship like I did. Upset, I ended things, and we quickly stopped talking. Months later, he contacted me, and I (being cautious) decided to date non-exclusively. We are fantastic together - as lovers and friends. Months into this, he gets a job offer that gives him the happier lifestyle he wants, but across the country to a state I am considering for school in two years. He accepts, I understand, and I am heartbroken. I felt like I was losing a would-be best friend. We talk endlessly about what to do and we agree to no LDR (I don't want a LDR because I've done it and I want to be near, feel, see my boyfriend, I am also fearful of it failing, and I fear that as he gets a social circle and really begins his life out there, the dynamic will change, and I'm just not strong enough to not worry about how it might hurt us), but to see how things go with us and never not keep in touch - an "if it's meant to be, it will be" kind of thing. As months go by, we end up talking daily - anyone would look at our conversations and think we were BF/GF - and we plan a trip for me to visit. Day by day, I realize that I'm in love with him. Barely two weeks ago, I visit him. We have a great time, and as my departure approaches, I'm a mess. We try to talk about planning more trips, trying out a LDR, but I was too emotional (I don't handle sad well) and fearful of things failing ("What if something bad happens?" I said; "What if we miss out on the good because we are trying to avoid the bad?" He said). I also realized (but didn't admit to him), that I am afraid that like the first time, he will up and decide out of nowhere that he no longer wants to be with/talk to/see me. We end up parting ways with me in tears, and telling each other we will see each other soon. Immediately on the plane back, I regretted wasting time moping about my emotions rather than planning a new trip.

 

Since then, I've been on dates with other people in an attempt to accept the "if it's meant to be, it will be, but don't wait for you two to happen" mentality, but I feel a lot of different things: 1) guilty for being in love with someone else while on dates with others 2) afraid of admitting my feelings because it would confirm how much this means to me, which would make it worse if I lost it 3) conflicted about what to do when I love someone - who is not even my boyfriend - that I cannot be with now 4) worried that time will pass, and I will have lost the chance to have him in my life as a boyfriend or friend even when I return there for school 5) embarrassed that I was too cowardly to tell him that I love him, and that I care this much about someone who I'm not in a relationship with.

 

I know I sound selfish and terrible (cake eating situation); I want this guy in my life, but I am afraid of it failing like the first time, especially as a LDR, I want him with me and next to me but he has no plans to return soon, and I have no plans to move for the next two years. I want to "see where it goes" and "not wait around", but I love him, and I feel guilty and unfair for dating others. And lastly, I hate that I love him (and haven't told him), because otherwise this wouldn't matter. What should I do? Tell him I love him via text because it's how ai feel and I want him to know? Try to set up another visit even though it might be months from now? Completely cut contact even though it's not what we want? Forgive me if for what I'm asking is unclear; feel free to ask any questions.

[smackie9]

You need to tell him how you feel, ask him if he feels the same and want to take this to the next level. If not, you need to end it. Simple as that. IMO nothing will change unless you take yourself out of this situation. It's not what WE want, it's not what YOU want. You are the one that doesn't want to let go.

 

I know this hurts BUT he isn't going to give you what you want or he would have stepped up to the plate by now. A serious man would never let the girl of his dreams slip away, he would make it official. You have already invested all this time in him, and he is no closer to being serious with you. That's the reality. So many have done the waiting it out....you will end up very disappointed.

[GirlWithQuestion]

You need to tell him how you feel, ask him if he feels the same and want to take this to the next level. If not, you need to end it. Simple as that. IMO nothing will change unless you take yourself out of this situation. It's not what WE want, it's not what YOU want. You are the one that doesn't want to let go.

 

I know this hurts BUT he isn't going to give you what you want or he would have stepped up to the plate by now. A serious man would never let the girl of his dreams slip away, he would make it official. You have already invested all this time in him, and he is no closer to being serious with you. That's the reality. So many have done the waiting it out....you will end up very disappointed.

 

Hmm, so then if your second paragraph is true, do you still suggest I tell him how I feel? Wouldn't it make no difference?