limichelle Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 So I've been dating this guy for almost three months. I'm obese at 250, I'm starting to realize I should have lost the weight before going on a dating website. It's unattractive too many and I understand why. I'm not for body love movement when you are my size. I'm unhealthy and unfit. I have a double chin and big stomach. Well my boyfriend has made it clear from the beginning he won't have sex with me until I reach my goal weight. Which is something I'm proudly working towards mainly for myself. I hate going to the doctors! Too many ER trips, too many medical procedures to check for things all weight related. Frankly I'm fed up with how I look as well! So I understand where my boyfriend is coming from. He told me he loves me and that I have a beautiful face it's just he's not attracted to the weight. I'm basically not a turn on because of the weight. Now before I met him I talked to the chubby chasers who only wanted sex and no relationship which I would immediately block and not give time or day. Then there was other guys who told me I was too fat for them. Realistically my weight is unattractive in the dating world and I know this. I really don't want my hurt feelings of not being able to make love to the person I'm with get in the way of a really good relationship. He treats me very well, and isn't nasty about my weight. Tells me he loves my personality and face and feels a tight bond for me that indicates we are much more then friends because he is in love. He is also worried about my health and doesn't like that at 35 I have more doctors then an 80 year old! So what is your take on this? I really don't want weight to come between us. I mean I'm working on losing it I've already lost six pounds my first week from eating healthy. It's just I feel emotionally charged about it and I get insecure. Because I can't lose this overnight. Thanks, Lisa
CptInsano Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 I don't quite understand how you can have a boyfriend who won't have sex with you. If he is withholding sex to get you to do something, then it is unlikely that he is even a friend. It doesn't matter that you want to lose weight for yourself, putting pressure on you that way is simply the wrong way to go about it. Your relationship is very much out of balance. 9
uncorked Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Wow, really? He won't have sex with you until you lose X lbs? Holding that **** over your head? Sounds like a control freak. He knows you're insecure and targeted you. Why is he dating you if he isn't attracted to you? I'd say lose the guy AND the pounds. While I applaud your weight loss efforts, you're losing weight for him, not you. 5
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 (edited) I feel so sorry for you. This isn't a healthy emotional state to be in. I can see how this person can inspire you to lose weight, but to be held captive with the promise of intimacy is really sad. You don't need doctors, you need counseling, and to join a weight loss group for support. It all starts with the brain, and retraining your brain to change how you feel about food. Food/eating is an addiction and needs to be treated like one. You can't do this on your own. Join Weight watchers or something like it and join a walking group for beginners. Walking costs only a good pair of runners and your time. You are not alone, you should connect with others like yourself to help you on your journey in a positive way and not to impress some guy. You can make some new friends too. I shouldn't say it makes me sad, it breaks my heart that you feel this way about yourself. You shouldn't have to...you don't need to. Edited October 1, 2017 by smackie9 5
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 You need to lose weight because it's what you want, not because some guy is making you. From a health perspective you know the benefits of losing weight. When you are ready you will make the commitment. I'd encourage you to start small -- drink more water; cut out sugared soda, take a walk every day. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt & assume he's doing this because he genuinely does care. His methodology is problematic. He comes across like a mean spirited jerk.
Versacehottie Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Between you and him, it's conditional. Not cool. It doesn't even really make sense that he would be doing this & sets up a terrible dynamic and pattern since it is conditional and you've been deemed the one that is "less than" by him. People do things because they "get" something out of it. What is his thing? Is it feeling "greater than" you? It's something because everything has an incentive. The problem is with a love/romantic relationship it should be a straightforward incentive and intention. Yours seems to be. But what about his? Let's say you lose the weight and reach the required weight at which he will sleep with you--I think it won't be all that it is cracked up to be either physically, emotionally or psychologically. He is dangling a carrot (pun intended!) and what is his reason? It's a mind f*ck that you shouldn't be dealing with. *ps glad that on your own you are dealing with getting healthier. You seem like you have an excellent attitude about it in spite of what this idiot is doing to you. I don't really care that he is treating you well--this is messed up and if you allow it, you will probably suffer with you self esteem. Drop this dead weight (i.e. him). Good luck 1
guest569 Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 I really don't want weight to come between us. I mean I'm working on losing it I've already lost six pounds my first week from eating healthy. It's just I feel emotionally charged about it and I get insecure. Because I can't lose this overnight. I think weight has already gotten between you and I can see why you feel emotional and insecure about it! I think it sounds really bad and controlling that he refuses to have sex with you until you reach a certain weight. He knew your size when you met and wasn't happy but decided to push ahead and change you. How do you feel about it? Do you feel secure in the relationship? Do you have feelings for him? Personally I would find it hard to fall in love with no intimacy and a constant threat of the relationship failing due to weight. It would make me feel like complete trash to be treated like that. It's like "I love you but will love you more when you're thin" ugh. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 I think weight has already gotten between you and I can see why you feel emotional and insecure about it! I think it sounds really bad and controlling that he refuses to have sex with you until you reach a certain weight. He knew your size when you met and wasn't happy but decided to push ahead and change you. How do you feel about it? Do you feel secure in the relationship? Do you have feelings for him? Personally I would find it hard to fall in love with no intimacy and a constant threat of the relationship failing due to weight. It would make me feel like complete trash to be treated like that. It's like "I love you but will love you more when you're thin" ugh. And he is already "withholding" on one of the things that is most expressive of love. And particularly for any normal guy, i think this is weird. Anyway, the withholding dynamic is toxic. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 Between you and him, it's conditional. Not cool. It doesn't even really make sense that he would be doing this & sets up a terrible dynamic and pattern since it is conditional and you've been deemed the one that is "less than" by him. Exactly. Do you want to spend your whole life with this type of condition held over you? Under this microscope? My crystal ball is saying NO. Is he having sex with someone else while he waits for you to lose this weight? How long will he wait? How long until you start to feel so much pressure that it's not happening quickly enough?
Miss Spider Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 (edited) . My thoughts are date someone who loves you, thinks you're beauty, and will have sex with you. This situation is unhealthy Lose weight for your health...not for someone. Imo what he's doing is sick. Edited October 2, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 Sure, you should lose wright - as in, the exact number of pounds this "boyfriend" weighs! I would kick him to the curb. Presto change-o, look at all that dead weight you just lost. He is correct that you should get healthy, but the dynamic between you two is not. It's not loving to be with someone who withholds sex and affection like this, OP. That is not treating you well. Go on a journey of self-love and forget about men like him. Be single and fabulous on your way to your goal weight. You don't need a guy like this dragging you down and making you feel you need to be a certain way to be loved. He's probably the type who will freak out from the attention you will get once you're healthy, and then sabotage your weight-loss efforts to keep you under his thumb. Seriously, there are red flags waving here. 2
GemmaUK Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 You need to want to lose the weight (and maintain it) for you. You also need to lose the guy. He is controlling and it'll get worse - lose the weight and you'll have a tonne of other conditions. If you want to lose weight I wouldn't recommend weight loss groups, instead start listening to your body. Stick with normal full fat foods, concentrate on leaving a little each time in the and shrink your stomach's volume tolerance down. Along with this only eat when you're hungry, stop before you feel full. In time (and it's surprising how quickly this kicks in - it was just over a week for me) you will learn to feel when you are full right under your ribs, in the centre where your stomach is and you won't be able to eat the same volumes anymore. I tried weight loss groups for years when I was younger, my weight just fluctuated all those years and the above was how I lost almost 4 stone over 6 months and plus or minus 5lbs have maintained it now for around 15 years. For me it was a totally liveable with lifestyle change involving no sugar packed 'diet' foods which don't satisfy and make you hungry sooner. But definitely get rid of the guy, he is just extra weight that you can lose right now.
coolheadal Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 When you loose the weight you don't this guy you call your bf ever again. For him to tell you no sex until the weight is gone is no friend no bf. Where did you meet him in the first place. Those other met like chubby women because that's all they care about just sex no relationship. Shouldn't think twice about those guys. So many games and so many needs so many sad people who have to change their looks to be with someone they want. You like being what you are, so he should appreciate who you are in and out. He doesn't like the out so now you going through so much to drop the pounds. The double chin will go away on it's on and the stomach you should get ab coaster pro use that every day or every time you eat something. That tightens the 6 pack abs and does the side of the hips too. But that will take months to year to flatten things naturally. I had gf told me to loose weigh too.. I didn't do it for her I did it for myself! I couldn't help it that her body was done under the knife like a barbie doll because her 3rd husband wanted he to be that way. She and him never had sex because he couldn't get up after by the time she married him. Doesn't pay to do things like that for anyone as the end result is never going to be happy with that person because they forced you do lose part of you just to end up making them happy. Weight becomes an issue when your health is not good. You can't breath so well can't walk or do anything else just sit and eat more. Today I am healthy and I look excellent because I taken the time to drop the pounds and keep it off. That ex gf who told me to loose more she and never worked out I lost over 200 lbs I felt good about it she still wanted more she's was nuts back then. You will never be happy with them trust me in the end.
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