caputo77 Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 I met this guy at my seasonal job over the summer and we instantly hit it off. We managed to go on a few great dates before I had to leave to go back to school (~4 hours away). We stayed in touch while I was at school, largely on his part as he was initiating texts every single day, saying goodnight every night, etc. I felt things were going pretty great, but then he dropped this bomb on me that although he thinks I’m great and beautiful he thinks we should just be friends for now, because he’s developing feelings too quickly and foresees some external factors causing issues if we actually try to be in a relationship so fast. What I heard from this is that he wants to slow things down. I was alright with this, and we continued on our merry way. Whenever I’m home, he is adamant about seeing me and goes out of his way to make sure we get to spend time together. I do feel that he is still interested in me and genuinely values me. However, I’m getting frustrated since we live far apart and our primary mode of communication is text. I get that he wants to keep his feelings in check until he knows he can trust me, because if I'm being honest we were moving too fast. But I don't see how that trust can be built if we're only texting. We don’t even text as often as we used to since we agreed to slow things down and just be friends for now, but he still initiates a lot of the time (at least a couple times a week). I think he does want to talk to me, but if I’m being honest, I’m just getting sick of texting. We’ve run out of things to talk about that can really be conveyed over text since we did it so much in the beginning, and he has started texting me but doing very little to actually keep the conversation going. I feel bad if I just stop answering him, but I feel needy if I keep pushing the conversation even after it has died. As such, I would really like to be able to talk to him on the phone in between the times we see each other. We’re both very conversational and always have things to talk about, we just obviously don’t do very well over text. Even with my established girl friends who live far away, I don’t text very much. If we want to talk, we talk on the phone. My only worry is that talking on the phone between a guy and girl seems like a very girlfriend/boyfriend kind of thing to do, and I don’t want to freak him out by suggesting it. I’m fine with taking things slow and deciding about dating further down the line, but I don’t see that being realistic if we only genuinely connect when I’m visiting home. We really click when we chat, but the texting just isn’t doing it. We have plans for the next time I’m visiting home so I know I’ll get to see him soon, but I just miss talking to him. Should I go for it and suggest we catch up on the phone every once in a while or will that make me come across as super needy and drive him away? PS. No, he doesn’t have another girlfriend and he’s not a player. No, distance isn’t an issue since I’m moving back to the area next year and even now I’m in the area pretty frequently.
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 (edited) He's lying for one thing. That song and dance about moving too fast yadda yadda yadda is BS.....he wants to kool it with you to keep his options open, more than likely he's got something else going on where he's at or he's looking. You are just a back burner girl for now. TBH you should invest in someone else that is willing to give you their undivided attention. Seriously an interested man IS interested and would want things to slow down for fear of losing you. "Friends for now" is him letting you go. Edited October 1, 2017 by smackie9 3
Miss Spider Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 we should be friend for now, because he’s developing feelings too quickly and foresees some external factors causing issues if we actually try to be in a relationship so fast. [...]I get that he wants to keep his feelings in check . Yeah... this doesn't really happen. Have you ever found yourself falling for a guy you were dating and you told him "let's just be friends because I'm developing feelings too quickly." That doesn't make any sense. I also can't imagine a guy interested in a girl romantically telling her he wants to be friends. Especially since you are moving there soon. This sounds like a line. He wants to keep his options open. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow, but he doesn't sound that interested. Calling a friend doesn't ruin anything, though, if they're really a friend... 5
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 I get it you have invested heavily in this because emotionally he has intrigued you. And that is a rare thing to find, and hard to let go of. The facts are there tho. He knows you are really into him, and well he isn't as much, that's why he put the breaks on you to stop you from going overboard. He doesn't want that on his conscience that he can't give you what you want. You didn't sleep with him already did you?
Author caputo77 Posted October 1, 2017 Author Posted October 1, 2017 No I haven’t slept with him, this all happened before we got very physical. I hear where you guys are coming from, but here’s the back story. His reasoning was because of religion. I am religious and he’s not. Things escalated quickly with the last girl he was seeing, he got serious feelings, THEN she told him she couldn’t be with him because of her religion (same one as me) and he was very upset. This is what’s making me hesitate because I can very much understand why he’d want to prevent that from happening again by building more trust and seeing where I stand in terms of dating outside my religion before taking things too far. Based on the fact that I practice my religion very independently and would never expect him to participate in it, I personally don't think it would be an issue, but I don't think he's seen the religious side of me enough yet to conclude that I'm not the stereotype. But maybe I’m just being naïve in thinking that’s a good reason…
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 No it's a pretty good reason why he is scampering away from this. Bitten once, twice shy. I dated someone who was Mormon thinking well what's the harm in that, lets see where it takes me.....fail...big f ing fail, nope, never again, never ever.
Miss Spider Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 (edited) I am still not buying it. It actually makes me lol when these people give hyper-logical excuses in their let downs. "We work together ""mercury is in retrograde, the stars just aren't aligned you see.""You might decide I'm not your type and dump me in the future." It's just silly. They just aren't feeling it. They are called 'feelings' and not 'thoughts' for a reason. Anyway, I don't see why calling would have anything to with you maybe dumping him in the future because his religion doesn't coincide with yours(or whatever excuse he gave), so why not call Edited October 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Upon reading this thread my initial thought was the guy realized how hard an LDR is & he wanted to be free to date others who were closer. Call him if you like. If it makes things worse then you know he isn't the guy for you. I don't think a weekly call would speed things up too much.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 I don't think he's all that interested, OP. Whatever his reasoning, believe him when he says he just wants to be friends at this time. 1
act00 Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 If you're die-hard religious, this will be cause for contention later on, and he knows this. You'll want your husband to be that marriage, and depending on the religion, there will be high pressure to do so. Then there's raising the children in such religion, and hopefully he knows by now what your religion is about, but if he decides there no way he's going to raise the children in it, more contention. I suspect he's keeping his options open. He wants to meet women he can see more than once in awhile when you're home. That's not to say that you two can't work out later when you're settled. I don't think a phone conversation is too much, too soon. You should be having phone conversations by now.
kendahke Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 His reasoning was because of religion. I am religious and he’s not. Things escalated quickly with the last girl he was seeing, he got serious feelings, THEN she told him she couldn’t be with him because of her religion (same one as me) and he was very upset. This is what’s making me hesitate because I can very much understand why he’d want to prevent that from happening again by building more trust and seeing where I stand in terms of dating outside my religion If your religion is that important to you, it might be a good idea to only date guys or develop feelings for guys that are also in your religion. That way, each of you knows how far you can go and still live with yourselves. I take it he has no interest in converting to it? 1
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