Magicalbeauty14 Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 Hi everyone. I have dated my boyfriend for 6 years almost now. I am 22 and he is 20. We just moved in together in an apartment in March so it has been around 6 months now that we live together. Lately I feel that he and I are both realizing that maybe we aren't meant for eachother. At least for now. He keeps hinting to me that we are too young to be thinking seriously (which is true). But I am also thinking for leaving because of other reasons. I do not feel supported too much. If I go out with my sister or go to do my hobby he tries to make me miserable by texting me some things that make me mad. I applied to a job in the mountains next year which would require me to leave for 3 months. I haven't told him yet because I feel that he would be really mad, even if the opportunity makes me happy. I don't have any friends because when I go out he gets hostile towards me. So I just hang out with my sister right now and even he doesn't like that too much. Im cool with him hanging out with people and going away on trips. So I don't understand why he is like this. He doesn't want to do anything anymore. Just play xbox, smoke weed and that's it. Everytime I ask him if he wants to go do something he says it is lame. I know he has thought about leaving because he's not happy. I think he wants to be with more girls and experience life which I understand completely. I even found girls clothes and shoes in his car but he claims its just a friends. Which I don't really believe....he is happy and sweet to me one day and then mad and annoyed with me the next day. I never know what to expect. I am always walking around eggshells. I pretty much think he wants to leave me but is scared. And I think I am scared too but we have been together so long that we have settled. What is the best way to tell him maybe we should part ways without him getting angry? Because he gets mad easily. And also do you think I'm making the right decision? I just feel like I have so much living to do and I can make so many more friends and have better experiences. He is kind of holding me back because I am scared of him at times. Any advice or feedback is appreciated. Thank you 1
Miss Spider Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 I think it would be best to end this relationship. It sounds toxic, unhappy, and unable to really be fixed. I;'m sorry.
Author Magicalbeauty14 Posted September 30, 2017 Author Posted September 30, 2017 HI kendahke, both of our names are on the lease. But we do have one more roommate on the lease as well. I am willing to move out and finish paying the rent if I really need too though.
kendahke Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 (edited) HI kendahke, both of our names are on the lease. But we do have one more roommate on the lease as well. I am willing to move out and finish paying the rent if I really need too though. Then if you can do that, I think that should be your plan of action. I'm curious: whose idea was it to move in together in March? Where were you both living at the time you made this decision? Anyone who gets mad at you spending time with friends and family and will not let you have space in peace to do so is someone who is controlling and could become potentially dangerous. This is how abuse begins--separating you from your support network. Other signs: I do not feel supported too much. If I go out with my sister or go to do my hobby he tries to make me miserable by texting me some things that make me mad. I applied to a job in the mountains next year which would require me to leave for 3 months. I haven't told him yet because I feel that he would be really mad, even if the opportunity makes me happy. I don't have any friends because when I go out he gets hostile towards me. So I just hang out with my sister right now and even he doesn't like that too much. He doesn't want to do anything anymore. Just play xbox, smoke weed and that's it. I even found girls clothes and shoes in his car but he claims its just a friends. he is happy and sweet to me one day and then mad and annoyed with me the next day. I never know what to expect. I am always walking around eggshells. These are all the tell tale signs, my dear. Right now, he's emotionally abusing you and trying to cut off your friends and familial support and keeping you only in the house. Abusers are never content to keep their abuse at low levels. They get a charge each time they ratchet it up and then that becomes not enough for the "high" and they take it a step further. Next thing you know, you're being shoved, then smacked, then open handed slapped, then punched, then kicked, then choked, etc. because they have to escalate it in order to satisfy the urge. Does he make remarks about what you wear or wearing make up? What is the best way to tell him maybe we should part ways without him getting angry? Because he gets mad easily.Do it with your dad and brothers/male cousins by your side while they help you get your things out of that house. If he's grown enough to get angry, let him do it when someone with muscle can check him before he tries to physically hurt you or destroy your things. If that is not possible, get everything for a new place lined up and move when he's at work or gone for a weekend somewhere with his friends. And don't' let the third person renting know before you do it so they can't run tell him about it. He uses his being mad as a way to control you--which abusers do. Look up a website called "you are not crazy". And also do you think I'm making the right decision? I just feel like I have so much living to do and I can make so many more friends and have better experiences. He is kind of holding me back because I am scared of him at times. Any advice or feedback is appreciated. Thank youYes, I do. I also think you need to talk to your parents about this or a trusted older relative, preferably male, and let them know what is going on. No matter how mad your boyfriend wants to get, you deserve to have friends and their support around you. The fact that you are afraid of him is the biggest motivator you have to move out and leave that relationship. You are quite right: you have a lot of living you are entitled to do. You are not obligated to stay with him if all he wants to do is pickle his brain on weed and play xbox--that's what's lame and wholly unattractive. Get out. Get your tribe around you and don't' be silent about what you are going through. Edited September 30, 2017 by kendahke
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 You two have been together since you were 16 & he was 14. Maybe you have finally outgrown each other. It happens. But at this point without the benefit of having dated anyone else as an adult I think you owe it to yourselves to experience life apart.
Author Magicalbeauty14 Posted September 30, 2017 Author Posted September 30, 2017 Thanks for your answers everyone. Especially kendahke. It was both our ideas to move out. But I regret it because I feel that maybe even after 6 years of dating, we weren't ready to take that step. I lived with my parents aND will probably move back there if we do break up. He lived on his own with some roomates. He used to make remarks about what I was wearing. He called me a s*** for wearing a bikini and also for wearing shorts. But this year he has been a little bit better about it. I will defiantly look up the website. And yes. I feel that all he wants to do is sit and lay around watching TV and smoking. It gets tiring when he refuse's to even go on a walk with me. I have made up my mind and will talk to him and end it. Thank you so much
preraph Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 So congratulations for finally opening your eyes. He's not only controlling, but he's also itching to be out on his own again, although he will never approve of you doing the same. So if you are going to leave --and of course you should NOT waste your life on this guy as it will only get worse -- make a clean break so he can't keep poking his nose into your dating life and friend life. NEVER let a man run your friends or family off!!!! That's the biggest early red flag there is of control and abuse. Set yourself all the way free. Break up and go no contact and block him so he can't interfere. 2
kendahke Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Thanks for your answers everyone. Especially kendahke. It was both our ideas to move out. But I regret it because I feel that maybe even after 6 years of dating, we weren't ready to take that step. I lived with my parents aND will probably move back there if we do break up. He lived on his own with some roomates. He used to make remarks about what I was wearing. He called me a s*** for wearing a bikini and also for wearing shorts. But this year he has been a little bit better about it. I will defiantly look up the website. And yes. I feel that all he wants to do is sit and lay around watching TV and smoking. It gets tiring when he refuse's to even go on a walk with me. I have made up my mind and will talk to him and end it. Thank you so much You're welcome. I'm glad to read you coming to this solution. But I strongly reiterate to talk to your dad about what's been going on. He needs to know. Not to scare you, but you are entering the territory that is most dangerous for women who are with abusive, controlling men: when they begin the process of leaving them. Those that do not have a support network around them suffer the most because they have no one to protect them should the controlling guy become physically threatening. That is why I say your dad has to know what is going on and what your plans are. Talk to him before you talk to your boyfriend.
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 Sounds like you both are unhappy and come to the realization that you both need to spread your wings and experience adult life on your own. Moving out and moving on sounds like a pretty healthy solution. The adjustment period of being without each other will be emotionally tough on the both of you....but that empty void will soon quickly fill in with joy and excitement as you embark on a new chapter in your life.
Recommended Posts