Question for Men: Why hold your feelings back? Not all of us women are mind readers

August 15, 2005

Why is it, that some men think that women just automatically know what you guys are thinking? Its like we already know that you love us, and you know that we know that...So in return thats your excuse for not saying it at all..

Ok, or for example..I am trying to get some romantic spark back into my realationship, I cant tell you how many sweet things I have done for him or got him a beer without him asking for it, or scratching his back right before bed etc..But as soon as I mention that I would like to go some place quiet and somewhat dark so we can look at the stars and just talk to eachother..His response to that was, well we can just have a fire here at the house and drink some beers together...BLAH

Or its like some of you think that being in a relationship with us, would be reason enough for us to know that you like us and care for us..So you never compliment us or do sweet things..

I am just not understanding here..I would really like to know why it is that some guys do this...

August 15, 2005

What makes you feel loved and cared about isn't the same thing that makes your BF feel loved and cared about...

My guess is, he really didn't see anything wrong with the staying at home with a fire and beer and was completely baffled as to why that wouldn't be okay and good to go for you as well.

While you cannot read his mind, he can't read yours either.. and it could be he really doesn't get it, that you're not feeling the love so to speak with what he is giving to you.

My 2 cent's

August 15, 2005

No but see, thats just the thing.. Is I am always ALWAYS open with how I feel. Because if I dont tell him or show him, how will he ever know?

No, I did not mind sitting out on the patio having a fire with him last night, but that is beside the point. It wasnt about us having a good time at home, its about the fact that I wanted to do something out of our normal life schedule, and just do something romantic for an evening..

There is nothing wrong with that.

August 15, 2005

Originally posted by lvgrly
..So you never compliment us or do sweet things..

the reason we don't do this LVGRLY is cause when we do start complimenting you and doing lots of sweet things then you leave us and find another dude who does NOT compliment you and do sweet things.

it's simple as that!

alpha

August 15, 2005

Originally posted by lvgrly
No but see, thats just the thing.. Is I am always ALWAYS open with how I feel. Because if I dont tell him or show him, how will he ever know?

No, I did not mind sitting out on the patio having a fire with him last night, but that is beside the point. It wasnt about us having a good time at home, its about the fact that I wanted to do something out of our normal life schedule, and just do something romantic for an evening..

There is nothing wrong with that.

Whoa...

I didn't say there was anything wrong with that, and I'm not saying your Guy shouldn't do things you want to do as well... all I was saying is it's possible he really doesn't get it... I've found with my own BF that I have to find ways to communicate with him at times that are different from how I understand things because we think differently... what I may see as talking to him to express a point, he may see as me nagging at him and then tunes out....

August 15, 2005

Originally posted by alphamale
the reason we don't do this LVGRLY is cause when we do start complimenting you and doing lots of sweet things then you leave us and find another dude who does NOT compliment you and do sweet things.

it's simple as that!
alpha

Ahh..thats not always true. Maybe someone who was insecure with their relationship then yes...

August 15, 2005

Originally posted by Merin
Whoa...

I didn't say there was anything wrong with that....

Oh..I know, Im sorry I didnt mean for that to sound like I was bitching about your post...I was just stating that I didnt think there was anything wrong with that.

August 15, 2005

Originally posted by lvgrly
Ahh..thats not always true.

no, most of the time it is true...

August 15, 2005

Exacty, thats why I said not always..

August 15, 2005

Why is it, that some men think that women just automatically know what you guys are thinking?

I need to answer this Socrate's style "What makes you think that we men are witholding anymore information then you ladies who seem to assume that we know what you expect of us as well?"

Bottom line that I live by: Clear open communication. Some people can't handle hearing the truth all the time, others can. I pass on those that want to live in the fantasy mindreading style of "you should know what I'm thinking if you love me" That's Cr@p. No one can read minds. Just talk the plain and simple truth, and neither will go crazy from trying to guess what the other wants. Some of you may say "nooo that's not romantic!". I'll tell what, knowing what each other wants and feels, can actually make for even more romance - as you are both operating on the same wavelength, and the misunderstandings are kept to a minimum.

Cheers

August 15, 2005

alphamale has a very good point. I have had the same experience. Women just don't want guys who are open and treat them nice and say sweet things. Either they get bored or find some a**h*** and leave your ass hanging dry...

I have found though that there is a road in the middle and that is respect. Women tend to not respect guys who are too soft so i stopped being soft. I'm still in touch with my feelings and still spoil my gf's but there is just no way, in whatever situation that i will ever take it up the ass for the sake of 'love' because that kind of love simply does not exist it seems...or atleast not shared.

Guys and girls need different things in their lives. They have different motives for getting together and going steady. That's why you never hear a woman complain that he is 'tieing you down' or a man complain that she is 'only staying in the relationship for the sex'. If you leave out all the bells and whistles and sweet flavoroud talk it all comes down to two words 'put out'. And both have to do it in a relationship. Guys need to put out in terms of romance, sometimes (most of the times) this means works for the guy. Planning, setting everything up perfectly, making sure she is comfotable all the time etc etc. This is what keeps women feeling wanted and special. Guys on the other hand need to have their other needs tended to, this is a fairly simple thing. Most guys just want to you be a good gf/wife and all the things that implies and that you don't tie them down. This basically means, don't demand they take you everywhere they go and allow them a night out with buddies if they want to, it also means that you don't kill their sexlives while keeping them from getting it elsewhere under the guise of what's morally and socially acceptable because this simply will not work... Or you end up with some on edge frustro who will prolly end up hating you for making him come to relationship couceling or hating you for having to pay allemony...either way i don't think that's what you want.

That being said, you should not try to make this work with a guy who doesn't have his life together. You will just end up wasting your time and possibly his. The type of guy who you never have to TELL what to do are guys who know what women want basically. Unfortunitly alot of these guys are players and womanizers which is not all that surprising really. But there are guys out there who know about this stuff AND are actually looking to commit, just very rare . Same goes for women who understand mens needs btw, but it seems to me like there are more women understand mens needs then the other way around. Either way, there are alot of guys who you can 'work with'.

You should try talking to your guy and make it clear what you want from him. There are different ways you can do this, i suggest you use a 'suggestive' manner instead of a whiny, telling off way since that will be easyest to accept for you both. You won't feel like a nagg and he won't feel nagged to. If your guy is really serious about making things work between you and being the best guy for you he can possibly be then you might even get him to read a couple of books to figure out women... It's not rocket science so should be easy enough for any guy to understand. He just needs to be willing to work on himself. Don't let him use the excuse 'you have to accept me the way i am'. That is bulls*** and we ALL change throughout our lives wether we want to or not and ALL of these changes are to improve our lives and unfold our personalities. Having a great relationship is a very good thing in your life so there is nothing wrong with aspiring or being inspired to improve on your existing relationship. Right now you are tending to HIS needs but he is not tending to YOURS. This obviously won't work unless you are totally undemanding, since you are here, i guess you are not and DO have some demands/desires that are not being satisfied right now.

So you need to start poking him about it. The chances that he is going to 'get it' all by himself are extreemly small. You're are either born with these kind of talents, learn them through study or never learn them at all. The only way he might learn by himself is if you leave him and he ends up facing single life again being only mildly or not at all intresting in the womens shopping mall. I guess this is not really what you want and the only other option is to start poking him. Hey, you never know he might be fascinated by learning more about women and how they 'work'. He might start doing research and reading books all by himself and exceed any expectations you ever had! When i first started reading about this kind of stuff i was fascinated and excited about it, i read some books and it got me hooked. Almost a year has passed since then and i'm still devouring books, tapes and any stuff i can get my hands on. So you see, it doesn't have to be a long and tiresome process. Perhaps you only need to spark his intrest by gently suggestion or persuasion.

Best of luck to the both of you!

August 15, 2005

Originally posted by alphamale

the reason we don't do this LVGRLY is cause when we do start complimenting you and doing lots of sweet things then you leave us and find another dude who does NOT compliment you and do sweet things.

it's simple as that!
alpha

Let me add to this...

I've never seen a woman dump a guy because he held his feelings back. She might complain about it, but she'll never leave him.

It's amazing how couples manage to find common ground at all... if I ever settle down it'll be a miracle.

August 15, 2005

Originally posted by Star Gazer
I have to agree. The vast majority of the men I have dated HAVE been very open with their feelings... I'm still single because I run from them.

Which confirms my hypothesis that 95% of men have no idea how to deal with women. Luckily I had a superb role model, my father, who was 110% a real MAN.

August 15, 2005

All I know is that I constantly complimented my wife. I always tried to make her feel good about herself. I prioritized our relationship when she told me she needed it. I did little things for her all the time...

...and you know what I got for it all?

An affair at work, and a seperation.

Bottom line - it's a crap shoot. Some you win, some you lose. I guess I lost.

But ladies, just so you know, we aint mind readers either. Tell us what you want. Dont hold in things for months or years, then have an affair or leave, and think we should understand or know how you were feeling...that ain't right.

Talk to you all later...

August 15, 2005

All I know is that I constantly complimented my wife. I always tried to make her feel good about herself. I prioritized our relationship when she told me she needed it. I did little things for her all the time...

...and you know what I got for it all?

An affair at work, and a seperation.

I rather suspect that the two had nothing to do with each other. In my experience, both men and women paint themselves as saints who have been done wrong in relationships. It would be wonderful to hear the other sides of these things because I'm willing to bet there were a whole bunch of things she disliked which caused the breakup. But rather than believe that anything you did was to blame, you blame it on being 'nice'.

August 16, 2005

Believe me, I am FAR from a saint and never tried to imply that I do not have my faults. All Im saying is when things got rocky and I did a complete 180 to save our marriage, I ended up getting lied to and screwed in the long run anyway.

Whether it takes a month, a year, or 10 years, she will eventually regret her decisions, that I know....careful what you wish for, you might just get it...

August 16, 2005

It's my feeling that those things that women often say they want and look for in a man are rarely if ever the same things that attract her to him initially. They are certainly not the same qualities that cause her to continue to feel desire and passion for him over time.

I think that, by and large, if a guy does show too much emotionally open, touchy-feely, sweet, honest, and/or other related characteristics, it makes him appear unmasculine, tamed, and pointedly boring to any woman/women in his life. Truth is, I'm not sure if that assessment is even something that she is truly aware of consciously, but it is being done within her thought process on a certain level.

A man needs to be OK with his being a man.

IMHO, in recent times we've been fed a crock o' crap when it comes to the idea that a woman needs/wants a man to be in that much touch with his (or her) feelings.

Yeah, no doubt it's important for a guy to be in touch with what his feelings are and why he feels a certain way. What it does not mean, however, is that he is to feel less "in touch" for being a "strong male presence," or being macho in his relations and dealings with the opposite sex. If anything, he is to be complimented on being that self-assured stereotypical male.

In general, most women are attracted to secure, confident, dominant males with a strong sense of themselves and their roles in society.

Males who exhibit what have traditionally been considered "feminine characteristics" generally do not, and in many respects cannot, hold a female's attention over the long term.

Essentially, it comes down to almost ancient gender roles and nature combining to keep alpha-males (no, not you alphamale! ) at the top of the heap.

August 17, 2005

I can honestly say that the first couple of times I was not as physically attracted to him as I have been in the past with other guys..BUT, that did not stop me from liking him or vise versa.

I really liked the inside of him, he showed me his feelings and he showed me what he was capable of in a relationship, and then once we got into an actual serious relationship then he just kind of expected me to know how he feels since I moved in with him.

And yes by me moving in, that was his way of letting me know that he felt strongly about me, and I am aware of that..But a little reassurace from time to time is always nice.

August 17, 2005

Originally posted by Curt
It's my feeling that those things that women often say they want and look for in a man are rarely if ever the same things that attract her to him initially. They are certainly not the same qualities that cause her to continue to feel desire and passion for him over time.

I think that, by and large, if a guy does show too much emotionally open, touchy-feely, sweet, honest, and/or other related characteristics, it makes him appear unmasculine, tamed, and pointedly boring to any woman/women in his life. Truth is, I'm not sure if that assessment is even something that she is truly aware of consciously, but it is being done within her thought process on a certain level.

A man needs to be OK with his being a man.

IMHO, in recent times we've been fed a crock o' crap when it comes to the idea that a woman needs/wants a man to be in that much touch with his (or her) feelings.

Yeah, no doubt it's important for a guy to be in touch with what his feelings are and why he feels a certain way. What it does not mean, however, is that he is to feel less "in touch" for being a "strong male presence," or being macho in his relations and dealings with the opposite sex. If anything, he is to be complimented on being that self-assured stereotypical male.

In general, most women are attracted to secure, confident, dominant males with a strong sense of themselves and their roles in society.

Males who exhibit what have traditionally been considered "feminine characteristics" generally do not, and in many respects cannot, hold a female's attention over the long term.

Essentially, it comes down to almost ancient gender roles and nature combining to keep alpha-males (no, not you alphamale! ) at the top of the heap.

GENIUS, SHEER GENIUS!!! BRAVO!

August 17, 2005

Originally posted by Curt
It's my feeling that those things that women often say they want and look for in a man are rarely if ever the same things that attract her to him initially. They are certainly not the same qualities that cause her to continue to feel desire and passion for him over time.

I think that, by and large, if a guy does show too much emotionally open, touchy-feely, sweet, honest, and/or other related characteristics, it makes him appear unmasculine, tamed, and pointedly boring to any woman/women in his life. Truth is, I'm not sure if that assessment is even something that she is truly aware of consciously, but it is being done within her thought process on a certain level.

A man needs to be OK with his being a man.

IMHO, in recent times we've been fed a crock o' crap when it comes to the idea that a woman needs/wants a man to be in that much touch with his (or her) feelings.

Yeah, no doubt it's important for a guy to be in touch with what his feelings are and why he feels a certain way. What it does not mean, however, is that he is to feel less "in touch" for being a "strong male presence," or being macho in his relations and dealings with the opposite sex. If anything, he is to be complimented on being that self-assured stereotypical male.

In general, most women are attracted to secure, confident, dominant males with a strong sense of themselves and their roles in society.

Males who exhibit what have traditionally been considered "feminine characteristics" generally do not, and in many respects cannot, hold a female's attention over the long term.

Essentially, it comes down to almost ancient gender roles and nature combining to keep alpha-males (no, not you alphamale! ) at the top of the heap.

Good post and everything you say rings true to me...

The 'ancient gender roles' you reffer to are not as ancient as you may think. Lets not forget that civilization pretty much happened in the blink of an eye compared to evolutionairy standards. It's not because we are actually self aware and consious that our subconsious plays no more part on our decisions... ESPECIALLY decision about attracktion, relationships ect. Because let's face it, if it wasn't playing it's part anymore there would be ALOT more single men then there are today...

Metrosexuals were the 'buzz' for a while. Housewifes cleaning up after their husbands got bored and thought a metrosexual would be the perfect partner... Untill they realized they didn't find a partner, just a girlfriend with a male body. In my experience, women are generally more impulsive, intuitive and faithfull to their emotions as oposed to men who are more calculated and rational.

When the **** hits the fan in a marriage, guys swing 180 and try to fix it since that's the rational approach, while women are more prone to staying true to their emotions and mostly they are just shouting 'get away, sack the sucker etc'.

alpha males are just very attracktive to a womans subconsious mind. Combine that with the fact that women are more prone to following their intuition and you have a pretty good explanation why women tend to chase around alpha males and leave their caring faithfull husbands holding his nuts.

Every book on the female phyche and on the dating game, body language and the subconsious mind always says the same thing. Attracktive men are confident, dominant, strong... on other words very masculin. These are just the best combinations for succes in survival and that's what instincts are all about basically. The fact that human beings have become consious and have an advanced cortex doesn't mean that millions of years of evolutional intelligence can just be flat our ignored and whiped from our lives.

It's not about being a 'nice' guy and how people take advantage of that. It's about being submissive and submissive males have no chance of survival, this is instinct, this is how the subconsious mind thinks and it will always influence your consious nomatter what. There is no point to blaiming it on you being nice or in touch with your feelings. This is simply not true, the real problem is that you are setting yourself up as submissive and that's just not attracktive in a man...unless you want to attrackt women that have been hurt in the past tomany times and are just looking for someone they can control. Ofcourse, being nice and in touch with your feelings don't always go on par with standing your ground and not being submissive. I guess it's every mans quest to find the road in the middle. Basically it comes down to this... If your wife/gf drops her soap and you bend over to pick it up for her well...you can expect to be taken up the ass...

August 17, 2005

Originally posted by animo
the real problem is that you are setting yourself up as submissive and that's just not attracktive in a man...unless you want to attrackt women that have been hurt in the past tomany times and are just looking for someone they can control.

Yes. To women, a submissive male is never gonna "cut the mustard."

I'd go even further. Even if a guy does find himself in the company of one of these girls that has been hurt in the past, and is attempting to control him, he is still NOT going to keep her in the long term.

Why?

You stated, and quite rightly so, that...

The fact that human beings have become consious and have an advanced cortex doesn't mean that millions of years of evolutional intelligence can just be flat our ignored and whiped from our lives."

It is this very fact that will eventually direct that woman's subconscious mind (intuition?) to assess that her submissive man is NOT suitable as a dominant, vibrant longterm partner. She will subconsciously rail against his bending to her will, and she will leave him. End of story.

What we're talking about here does NOT give the right to ANY man to be abusive, cruel, unloving, or indecent to any woman in his life. If anything, it is the complete contrary of this premise that is the case. It is about being a man who is in control of himself, who knows his place in life, who understands what it is to be a strong, reliable, together, dominant male. For her, he is the ultimate loving, principled, confident man walking with her through life; he's the strong, involved, dependable dad to any kids she may have blessed him with in their time together.

August 17, 2005

lvgrly, I know you said you were open with him about how you feel, but are you completely open? Have you told him everything you've told us? Did you do it without making him feel guilty or attacked in any way?

Specifically, when he suggested staying home, did you tell him this: "No, I did not mind sitting out on the patio having a fire with him last night, but that is beside the point. It wasnt about us having a good time at home, its about the fact that I wanted to do something out of our normal life schedule, and just do something romantic for an evening.."

If you didn't, then there's your problem. You may have been telling him that you wanted to go out, but if you weren't telling him why you wanted to, he'd have thought staying in and having some beer was perfectly acceptable or even better than your suggestion. Like Merin said, he doesn't get it, and there's no way he could unless you tell him.

August 18, 2005

Yup..Thats what I told him. If nothing else, him and I have awesome communication.

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