Am I right or imagining this?

[Addius]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and he lives 45 minutes away so sometimes we don’t spend every weekend together, but he sometimes will ghost me for a couple of days at a time, I know sometimes he is out partying and drinking and will even tell me how he talked to a girl at a bar cause his buddy was talking to her friend. It’s really beginning to tire me out, when he does these things like complete silence it eats away at me and I don’t feel safe, then sometimes he’d try to text me when he’s home and he’d be so drunk but tries to hide it (he admitted it). He’s in his early 30es so not like a college student living the party life.

 

Now I don’t know if I’m overreacting or this is going to be an issue that will always bother me? I can’t control how I feel when he doesn’t read my messages/calls or just ignores them. I don’t act upset or bring it up whenever he’s back talking again, but if this keeps going on, it’ll slowly tear me apart. I feel like part of him still doesn’t want to commit to me.

 

I don’t know what’s the best thing to do? We’ve been talking about me moving closer to him but now I’m starting to feel like I can’t trust him.

[ExpatInItaly]

This wouldn't work for me, either.

 

A guy who goes out partying, drinking and chatting up women regularly would not be compatible with me at all, especially at that age. He's free to do what he wants, but I wouldn't be too enthusiastic about a man who does so and then disappears for a couple days. That's not the behaviour of a guy who is serious about you, OP.

 

Leave the frat-boy behaviour for, well, frat boys.

[LoverOfDance]

I think you should tell him how you feel. He doesn't know that his silence hurts you. Sometimes men can be oblivious to women's feelings. Tell him how you feel and let him know how you'd prefer to be treated.

[act00]

After eight months, I think you should be able to have a talk about how his behavior affects you. Don't expect to change him. If he wants to continue living the party lifestyle, there's not much you can do about it. When he's ready to settle down, he will. I wouldn't want to be with a guy like that. It's fine that you both go out solo with your friends and have other interests, but the bars and women and disappearing for two days and absolutely no connection would not go over well with me. 45 minutes on the weekend is not the worst thing in the world. Why isn't he moving closer to you? Unless it makes more sense to move because of location and work, I wouldn't uproot my life. Not for a guy who's marginally interested and hits the bars and chats up women...and yes, I would be pulling my hair out over the idea that it might not be just "chatting it up" as a wingman.

[elaine567]

Yes there is the "single" party lifestyle here and the worry as regards cheating, but alcoholics tend to disappear for a few days too during binges.

How much does he drink?

[Miss Spider]

Date someone closer. You're a part time LD gf

[BaileyB]

I wouldn't be dating a guy who is in his thirties and behaving like this...

 

The party-life, lack of communication, and lack of respect would definitely be enough for me to move on and find someone else.

[Addius]

I’m just really disappointed. We have had many heart to heart discussions and I have asked him more than once if he’s really not into this and if we both should go our separate ways to which he would always strongly refuse and tell me he cares so much and would fight for me, yet his actions say otherwise.

 

So today he sent me and said he had left his phone at work and headed to a work party. I do believe that he forgot it cause he was offline everywhere, but he was also like oh not too hung over this time.

 

Is it normal for a 32 year old guy to drink excessively every other week or so? He doesn’t drink on normal nights cause he has a full time job. Should I also not trust that he’s just chatting up those girls?

 

I don’t know what to do, part of me wants to give it more time but my other part is terrified.

[BaileyB]

Is it normal for a 32 year old guy to drink excessively every other week or so?

 

Should I also not trust that he’s just chatting up those girls.

 

Excessive drinking every other week is not normal and not acceptable in my house.

 

As to the girls, well - only you know him. Let's just say, when he is out with the boys, drinking to excess, chatting up a bunch of girls at the bar... He has the opportunity and his judgment is impaired... Do you trust him?

 

The ghosting for a couple days at a time would be the real issue for me. Sure, go out occasionally with the boys and have some fun - but, if you are concerned about where he's going, who he's with, or what he is doing... You should be able to reach him and know where he is all the time.

Edited September 30, 2017 by BaileyB

[kendahke]

Now I don’t know if I’m overreacting or this is going to be an issue that will always bother me?

 

Yes, as long as you insist upon being with this guy, it will.

 

 

I can’t control how I feel when he doesn’t read my messages/calls or just ignores them.

 

True, but you can control the actions you put those feelings behind.

 

I don’t act upset or bring it up whenever he’s back talking again, but if this keeps going on, it’ll slowly tear me apart. I feel like part of him still doesn’t want to commit to me.

 

You are being what is called "the silent irate". Instead of calling out bad behavior, you just keep quiet and fester. You're driving your blood pressure up by not owning your voice and speaking up for yourself and your best interests. Rather like a pressure cooker--ever seen one of those operate? It holds the steam and heat in and a little valve at the top regulates and lets very little of said steam and heat out. (You can turn a cheap cut of beef into succulent wonderfulness with those, btw) If that valve comes off during the cooking process, let's just say, there's going to be an ungodly mess all over the ceiling and everywhere.

 

Same with you holding it in, holding it in , holding it in until one day, you unleash--and it won't be pretty and the aftermath is going to require a lot of cleaning and a lot of time.

 

This is you letting him know, by not bringing it up when he's back in communication with you, that you're fine with how he's acting... that you need that relationship so badly that you will silence yourself when he's behaving in a way that undermines your peace of mind in this relationship.

 

I don’t know what’s the best thing to do? We’ve been talking about me moving closer to him but now I’m starting to feel like I can’t trust him.

 

If you can't trust him, why are you with him? I don't see how moving closer is going to stop any of this. He's still going to go out on nights without you because he likes to go out and drink with his buddies. If he can't wean himself off of that without you being there, then he's not going to give it all the way up if you're close by. I mean, he's getting a bit long in the tooth for these sort of shenanigans.

[Addius]

So I called him and started telling him some of the things that are bothering me and he was just chill and quiet and didn’t really say much, he said let’s talk tomorrow because he had to be somewhere too so that didn’t help. We hung up and I proceeded to text him about it, I wasn’t angry or mean but just explained myself but ugh, I ended up sending a really long few messages and now I feel like I’m the crazy gf and embarrassed. Should have found a better time and way to explain myself right?

[BaileyB]

Yes. These conversations should happen in person.

[Addius]

Yes. These conversations should happen in person.

 

Leave it to me to ruin things even more when I finally try to fix it.

[MyOphelia]

My personal opinion is to run. Run away. I married someone who still insists on living a bachelor lifestyle, including a brand new Mustang and Jeep, vacations (without me), work trips (without me), events (without me), it's important for him to have his toys (weapons, telescope, bikes, camera, drone, lenses, optics, etc.) and he drives everywhere meaning we're always broken, he spends everything every paycheck within 48 hours and we're dead broke (sometimes we "can't afford groceries" or "the vet bill") but all still finding time and resources to go through all these events with his buddies (he's in his 40's).

 

This does not work. I stuffed down everything and was dutiful, not saying anything, and that along with holding onto a bunch of other trauma stuff, my blood pressure was sky high nonstop and I was on a total of 4 HBP meds.

 

 

I'm in therapy 2 x week for 3 years now and am on one quarter of one medicine that I started out on when treating my HBP before talking about it. I am also going through a divorce, because while his behaviour was acceptable when I had no or low self-esteem, I tolerated it, and permitted myself to be walked over and pander to him.

 

Run in the other direction before this does get "serious." Knowing what I know now I'd never have this.

[Addius]

So after my crazy burst of messages he called me and apologized, he tried to count how many times he has gone out and told me he understands where I’m coming from, and that I don’t need to worry but he gets how hard it is for me. He said you should have told me this is bothering you regardless, even if I think it’ll bother him and even if I think I’m being unreasonable.

 

He said he has been trying to be more social and go out cause he got to a very bad place after his last breakup and was constantly staying home and didn’t leave home and gained so much weight and he’s scared he’d go back to that.

 

Should I give it more time and see what happens? I really do love him and I know he loves me, I think it’s also my fault that I don’t tell him when he does something that upsets me.

[BaileyB]

If you do decide to keep dating this guy, you need to set the expectation that it is not acceptable for him to go "off the grid" for days at a time. Not that you will be constantly checking up on him, but if you need to reach him or you want to know where he is/what he is doing... he needs to be available.

[Addius]

If you do decide to keep dating this guy, you need to set the expectation that it is not acceptable for him to go "off the grid" for days at a time. Not that you will be constantly checking up on him, but if you need to reach him or you want to know where he is/what he is doing... he needs to be available.

 

Completely agree with you! I can’t deal with the ghosting, going out with his buddies I could deal with as long as I know what’s going on, and I don’t need to know where he is at ALL times, but I do need to hear from him consistently and not drive myself crazy wondering.

 

Is that okay to tell him though? Or will he think I’m a crazy needy clingy GF who can’t let her BF breathe? As in what is the most diplomatic polite non attacky way to say this? I was in a relationship before where my ex would flip out if I said these things and he told me I was stressing him out.

 

It’s a bit sad to see how my past heartbreaks still haunt me today.