CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 One of my good friends is dating a man who slapped her ass during sex the first time they did it, which was, I think, on the first night they met! She was very taken back and didn't even see him for a few months afterward lol. But, they reconnected and she recently told me that the ass slapping is even growing on her, and so is he. Ya never know!
d0nnivain Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 Clearer communication between the two of you in a calmer voice is required. After non-vanilla sex where you smacked his butt, he returned the favor in the morning. Perhaps he did it too hard. Perhaps he was being playful & got carried away. Maybe he is trying to control you (I doubt it but can't rule it out). If your issue was the strength / power behind the smack rather than the smack itself communicate that. If after you talk to him, you still think this is about power & control which you don't want, move along. 1
neowulf Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 Wow, that's way too negative thinking. Remember, we are reading her thread. We don't even know the tone of his voice how he said it. To some of us he was just being playful. Nope, that's reading a red flag. People make excuses for others behaviour all the time, only to complain down the road they didn't see it coming. Do you know the difference between being playful and assault? Consent. 4
salparadise Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 Nope, that's reading a red flag. People make excuses for others behaviour all the time, only to complain down the road they didn't see it coming. Do you know the difference between being playful and assault? Consent. Oh give me a break... you're actually trying to turn this into an assault based on lack of consent? Should we also tease out whether she might have a tinge of regret about the sex... I guess I've just been lucky to not have encountered a woman who wanted to have my ass locked up. 1
Miss Spider Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 I dunno my ex used to slap my butt in bed. It didn't bother me, but I wasn't a big fan. The first time I was like WTF. My mom spanked me sometimes to displine me as a child. I just don't draw sexy associations with it. Some people do find it hot and I think it's a sort of way to let off sexual tension. Not really a red flag, but if it bothers you a lot let him know.
Quagmire243 Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 Nope, that's reading a red flag. People make excuses for others behaviour all the time, only to complain down the road they didn't see it coming. Do you know the difference between being playful and assault? Consent. If I'm following correctly, she slapped him on the ass first so she assaulted him first. This would then be self defense. 2
MJJean Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 Nope, that's reading a red flag. People make excuses for others behaviour all the time, only to complain down the road they didn't see it coming. Do you know the difference between being playful and assault? Consent. They recently started seeing each other, she had "non-vanilla" sex with him during which she slapped his butt, and he slapped her butt soon after. Considering the situation in it's entirety, I'm of the belief that he is into light BDSM, and thinks the OP is, too. Taken in context, the ass slap is only a red flag if she tells him it was too hard/not her thing and he does it again. That said, I suggest an open and honest conversation about kink and boundaries. If he's into aspects of BDSM that OP is not, they might simply be incompatible. 1
hippychick3 Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 I'm in the camp of he was being playful and sexual when he did that/said that. I had never had my butt slapped until I had sex with my current bf for the first time. I remember thinking "wth hell are you doing, dude?" I was taken aback but not offended mostly because he's a really good guy and I was open to trying something different. It's become a semi-regular thing, and I actually like it now. Yes, it's hurt a few times but not to the point I believe he's hurting me. If he was controlling or aggressive in any other way, it would be a different story. But this isolated behavior is strictly sexual and playful. I think I said "ouch" one time. And I honestly don't even remember his response because I don't think his response was a reflection of how much he cared or respected me. OP, I think you need to talk to him without being accusatory. I'm sure he has no idea whatsoever that he offended you in any way. 1
coolheadal Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 neowulf, that's exactly how I'm feeling. It's not the slap, it's his reaction. If he thinks he's going to control me, he can f** off. Yes the slap on the ass is a way that men like to control. You really don't know him so you know now he's going to keep on slapping that ass. If you don't like his comments they you can exit out of that...
kendahke Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 OP--when you slapped him on the butt when you were having sex, was it as forceful as his slap on your butt? Did he say "ow that hurt" or did he enjoy it and make that enjoyment obvious? Did you ask him afterward if he minded that? Did you two have a conversation about the role of hitting/slapping in your exchanges with one another, both in and out of the bed? Well, if the slap was enough to elicit this reaction from you, and you haven't discussed with him the role of hitting, then I think you should think long and hard about whether or not this is the type of guy you want to be with. Some people don't like it out of the bed and that is their right. 3
kendahke Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 If I'm following correctly, she slapped him on the ass first so she assaulted him first. This would then be self defense. No it wouldn't. Self defense is in the moment. This was retaliation hiding behind a joke. 1
knabe Posted October 1, 2017 Posted October 1, 2017 No but I smacked his ass!! But that was during sex and not to physically hurt him. Then I'm sorry, but you really don't have a leg to stand on. Don't dish out what you can't take.
neowulf Posted October 3, 2017 Posted October 3, 2017 Oh give me a break... you're actually trying to turn this into an assault based on lack of consent? Should we also tease out whether she might have a tinge of regret about the sex... I guess I've just been lucky to not have encountered a woman who wanted to have my ass locked up. This isn't about the action. You're missing the point. It's about his response. People playfully ruff each other up all the time. That's not even the issue. The issue is when you say "Ouch, that hurt", the answer isn't "It was meant to". The fact people are defending that kind of stuff is the reason we have women end up with controlling abusive men in the first place. It's about setting and respecting boundaries. 3
kortz Posted October 3, 2017 Posted October 3, 2017 (edited) I've never seen so much analysis over a butt slap...trial of the century, we need a CSI team in here!! If you didn't like it just tell him not to do it again or tell him it was too hard and actually hurt more than it was playful. Then if he does it again you've got a right to be annoyed and can decide on your next steps and if he doesn't then great! Sorted. Edited October 3, 2017 by kortz 1
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