CryForNoOne Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) I'm an adamant believer in not messaging excessively before meeting. I started chatting with a girl on Tuesday night and we really hit it off. Great rapport and banter. After about 50 messages I suggested that we meet. She ignored the question and continued talking about other topics. I told her I was tired, gave her my number and asked her to text me. I didn't hear from her so I figured that was that. Well last night she messaged me again. The conversation was kinda stale though because honestly I didn't feel like putting forth the effort for more witty banter. I asked her out again and gave her my number. She ignored me again. That was that. She messaged me online again this morning. I haven't replied yet. I kinda want to say "WTF! Either text me, let's meet, or go away." She's very pretty but her pics don't seem bogus. She's definitely not a scammer. Much more likely she is either apprehensive to meet or just a time waster. I would still like to meet her but I'm at the end of my rope. Any suggestions for a reply that isn't rude and insulting because that's all I can think of right now. Also,if she isn't a catfish or hiding something, any theories as to why one would have this behavior? Edited September 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to F&L
olivetree Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 It's only been a couple of days. She might need more time to keep talking and get comfy. If you can't wait, you might not be compatible. I think the ignoring you part is weird though, I would be turned off by that.
lovephule Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Time waster, eject. As to the whys, boredom + validation/ego stroke. 6
smackie9 Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 If you get anything other than a YES, it's a no. Lose interest in her and find someone else to ask out. 1
Miss Spider Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 She doesn't wanna meet. She just wants a pen pal. Move on! 2
GemmaUK Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 50 messages and you ask her out? Get faster at asking, block sooner when you get no reply to the ask out. You, my friend have a pen pal. Total waste of your time.
SevenCity Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Agreed to move on but some other things I've learned: - Ask for her number, only give out yours once you get hers or if she asks. I didn't realize but a lot of women are turned off by this for some reason yet perfectly happy to give me their number. May have something to do with the man making the move? - If she ignores the question she's not only not interested, she's also rude. Women are less direct than guys and will often ignore rather than giving a clear answer. But the answer is clearly a no. - Have an abundance mentality. If she doesn't respond or balks at the request realize they're are women out there who would LOVE to go out with you. Just have to find them. When you meet a girl who is you'll see how silly you were for misunderstanding the intentions of this one. - Ask her out in 4-6 messages. Don't waste more time than that. If they say anything but yes (or want to talk on the phone before you meet) it's a no. Good hunting!
preraph Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 She's just wasting time online. She has no intentions of meeting you or she'd have responded with at least something even if it was "not right now but maybe later." You should just stop contacting her and ignore anything she sends unless it's an acceptance of a date.
basil67 Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 How to raise the issue without being rude or insulting? Use "I statements". "I'm keen to get away from messaging and meet you next week. A message only relationship doesn't work for me. Are we on the same page here?" If she gives you anything other than a "yes", simply reply telling her that you appear to not be looking for the same thing and then block her.
Author CryForNoOne Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 - Ask her out in 4-6 messages. Don't waste more time than that. If they say anything but yes (or want to talk on the phone before you meet) it's a no. I think you're all thinking of OLD circa 2010. All the apps I've used recently are in the Tinder style format of swipe left/right and chatting. I don't think anyone writes "messages" anymore. I certainly don't. It's a chat. So 4-6 "messages" would be: Me: <insert witty one liner referencing profile> Her: haha <insert question about my profile> Me: <answer question> Hi I'm Mike Her: Hi I'm Ava Me: Wanna meet for a drink? Uh. No. I'm super direct but realistically it takes 20 messages to not seem too eager. 50 was not all that many - we chatted about 20 minutes - but I was already getting restless...
SevenCity Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 I think you're all thinking of OLD circa 2010. All the apps I've used recently are in the Tinder style format of swipe left/right and chatting. I don't think anyone writes "messages" anymore. I certainly don't. It's a chat. So 4-6 "messages" would be: Me: <insert witty one liner referencing profile> Her: haha <insert question about my profile> Me: <answer question> Hi I'm Mike Her: Hi I'm Ava Me: Wanna meet for a drink? Uh. No. I'm super direct but realistically it takes 20 messages to not seem too eager. 50 was not all that many - we chatted about 20 minutes - but I was already getting restless... I wasn't on old back then but am now. I used to think like you until Normal Person gave me the above advice. It's worked MUCH better and had led to a lot more dates / sex. I use this same technique on Eharmony and bumble/tinder. What it does is exposes the time wasters up front. Sure it will scare some off, but that's a good thing. It focuses your time on the girls with HIGH interest not chicks like this one. I've got a second date this weekend at a chicks place and dates setup for next weekend fri/sat plus another one I don't know when I'll have time to see....all using this technique. I've got an equal amount of time waster stories before I learned. Chicks who like you but might be scared will ask to speak on the phone which I love as you can see if you even want to meet them. I'm no Prince Charming but this technique has upped my game significantly. I didn't believe it at first but Normal Person gave solid advice.
Author CryForNoOne Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) It depends what you are looking for. It's great for getting laid but I'm a front man for an established local band and have no problem in that department IRL. I can pretty much get a date on demand when I go online but I'm not finding any relationship material. I'm pretty picky when it comes to looks so most of the women I message never reply. But once they do, I've got a pretty good close rate. I almost always get a kiss and a second date (if I want it). I've had about 20 online dates since I went back on last year. Maybe only 3 or 4 women weren't interested in me. I only chose to have second dates with 6 of them and I had slept with every single one by the second date. Problem is they are almost all heavy drinkers, coke addicts, and/or some other crazy baggage. I'm wondering if I need to change up my game. I feel like the 20 messages or less technique and going for sex so early on is resulting in me only ending up with a certain type of girl. So in the back of my mind, I'm wondering if this one is just a time waster as everyone says (which I agree with) or could she actually relationship material??? Edited September 28, 2017 by CryForNoOne
Author CryForNoOne Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 LOL. Literally as I was writing the above post she messaged me. She wrote "I'm actually in Santa Monica now (where I live). Would you like to meet?" WTF I already have a date with someone else tonight. If she had responded like a normal person when I asked her out the last 2 days I would have gone out with her in a heartbeat...
Author CryForNoOne Posted September 30, 2017 Author Posted September 30, 2017 So I asked her again if she wanted to set a proper date for this coming Monday or Tuesday and she yet again ignored my question. I'm just really curious what her deal is now so I've engaged in more chatting with her. She wanted to meet on Thursday so she's not looking for a pen pal. I guess her plan A fell through Thursday night so she HMU otherwise she just wants to keep me in orbit...
Miss Spider Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 She doesn't sound that keen on meeting. If you're looking for a relationship, I'd passed on her. However, a guy I dated for awhile was like pulling teeth to meet and I gave up on him but he thought I was a bot and didn't do the "wanna meet now" thing. That makes it seem like she's dating a lot of guys and you are an afterthought...like when she has nothing going on she'll hit you up. Unless you feel like you can make a way better impression in person and people get more keen after they meet you. But I still wouldn't want a relationship with someone who is flakey and ignores... you can do better
Author CryForNoOne Posted September 30, 2017 Author Posted September 30, 2017 She doesn't sound that keen on meeting. If you're looking for a relationship, I'd passed on her. However, a guy I dated for awhile was like pulling teeth to meet and I gave up on him but he thought I was a bot and didn't do the "wanna meet now" thing. That makes it seem like she's dating a lot of guys and you are an afterthought...like when she has nothing going on she'll hit you up. Unless you feel like you can make a way better impression in person and people get more keen after they meet you. But I still wouldn't want a relationship with someone who is flakey and ignores... you can do better I agree with just about everything you said. And I definitely make a better impression in person. I'm not emotionally invested at all. I've got several other upcoming dates. Although she is a bit of a time waster, it is slightly better to pass the time chatting with her (and hoping we finally meet) than sifting through hundreds of pics and sending dozens of messages before scoring another date.
Mike B. Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 I agree with just about everything you said. And I definitely make a better impression in person. I'm not emotionally invested at all. I've got several other upcoming dates. Although she is a bit of a time waster, it is slightly better to pass the time chatting with her (and hoping we finally meet) than sifting through hundreds of pics and sending dozens of messages before scoring another date. I kind of look at it differently. Here is where having some people outside looking in becomes helpful. This woman is a pen pal. She wants to keep you on a string because pen pals like having pen pals. Many pen pals will become slightly more proactive when they see your attention slipping away. They want your attention. They will then message you or even meet up with you to keep you on the hook but you will have a fat chance of actually moving things along in the long run. Now, if you are ok with penning with her than put the time and effort into sifting through profiles to find what you are really looking for, that is fine but remember, this is how pen pals can grab a hold of you and you can start becoming attached. The next thing you know, you are posting a thread about her and how she screwed your heart over but you had all of the red flags all along. Let me make it clear, there is nothing wrong with having the pen pal but you just have to keep things into perspective and that is the tricky part.
spiderowl Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 (edited) If I chat to a guy online, I like to chat for quite a while. I want to get an idea of his personality, how he reacts to some things, how he treats me. If we have exchanged messages over, say, a week, and he asks me out, then if I like him and trust him I might say yes. However, what often happens is something he says puts me off. For example, one guy sounded nice but was 30 miles away. I wasn't too keen on his picture but would have met him to see what he was like in person, but then he suggested meeting half way (which meant me travelling to a place I did not know) and in the late afternoon. Well, I work full time so was he expecting me to take time off work? Also, he wasn't that far away so could have offered to come to my city. I don't know, something about the half way suggestion felt mean to me. I want a guy who cares for me and is a bit protective. Getting me to drive to a strange place to meet him half way just didn't feel protective. So, I felt he was not right for me. I guess I stalled in the messages because he hadn't done anything blatantly wrong, it was just a feeling that he wasn't what I needed. There are good reasons why women don't rush into meeting. Being in a strange place with a stranger is not wise. Until you've chatted to someone for a while, you don't know how they react to frustration or tiredness. If someone starts to get mean when they are tired or controlling in conversations, you know not to meet. These things don't come out until a few chats have taken place. It could be that this woman is wise and is just trying to find out what kind of person you are. Ignoring your request is a bit rude; she should respond in some fashion, if only to say she wants to get to know you better by messaging and talking on the phone or skype first. Edited September 30, 2017 by spiderowl
Author CryForNoOne Posted October 2, 2017 Author Posted October 2, 2017 Well she asked me out last minute again tonight and this time I was available to meet. The moment we met, it all made perfect sense. She is from Belarus and European women have completely different dating sensibilities tham American women. Some of her seemingly rude responses or lack of a response were because her English is not perfect and also she can be very direct. If she is available to meet that night, she doesn't play games and pretend like she is busy. Hence all the last minute requests to meet. She was honest to a fault though. She told me she is depressed right now and had gained alot of weight. She is/was a model and she is absolutely gorgeous in her pics, but is about 30 pounds heavier now. Sadly, it was a big turnoff for me and probably a deal killer.
guest569 Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 She is/was a model and she is absolutely gorgeous in her pics, but is about 30 pounds heavier now. Sadly, it was a big turnoff for me and probably a deal killer. Lol, wow...
Logo Posted October 2, 2017 Posted October 2, 2017 Also, he wasn't that far away so could have offered to come to my city. I don't know, something about the half way suggestion felt mean to me. I want a guy who cares for me and is a bit protective. Getting me to drive to a strange place to meet him half way just didn't feel protective. So, I felt he was not right for me. So you don’t subscribe to feminism or to the concept of equality between men and women? I wish I could have my cake and eat it, too. I’ll tell you why he asked to meet half way. He had an ex who took advantage of his gentlemanly and chivalrous nature and then probably called him names, treated him like a doormat, and most likely betrayed him. So he’s finally standing up for himself. By the way, does being “protective” extend to paying for all dinners, all the time?
Author CryForNoOne Posted October 2, 2017 Author Posted October 2, 2017 For example, one guy sounded nice but was 30 miles away. I wasn't too keen on his picture but would have met him to see what he was like in person, but then he suggested meeting half way (which meant me travelling to a place I did not know) and in the late afternoon. Well, I work full time so was he expecting me to take time off work? Also, he wasn't that far away so could have offered to come to my city. I don't know, something about the half way suggestion felt mean to me. I want a guy who cares for me and is a bit protective. Getting me to drive to a strange place to meet him half way just didn't feel protective. So, I felt he was not right for me. I guess I stalled in the messages because he hadn't done anything blatantly wrong, it was just a feeling that he wasn't what I needed. I agree with Logo but I'd also add you sound incredibly self centered. Offended that he asked you to meet halfway? He probably works full time too! It may also be a strange place for him too. If he isn't that far away, then you aren't that far away either! People are always the same exact distance from each other! So if it wasn't that far for him to offer to come to you, then how could you turn it around and say it was such a massive inconvenience and a deal killer for you??? As for safety, it's not like he is asking you to come to his house. That's why you choose a crowded public place...
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