phatgreenbuds67 Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 So the silence is deafening. Her ability to so easily walk away and not look back shows clearly how little it meant to her. It was a waste of time to ever get involved with this person. Yet the feelings are still there and it sucks. So my question is how do you accept that its over? I know it is yet I constantly find myself hoping and thinking that if I just wait a another day or so she will call or text and we can start to fix what went wrong. I draw these imaginary lines in the sand saying if she doesn't do this by X time then there is no going back. Then I find myself rationalizing, creating reason to change that line. She never calls and and never texts yet I keep waiting. I have no idea if there is someone else...I suspect there is but I also have a habit of projecting. If there is I will be devastated. It would be the point of no return. I would prefer a less painful means to get there. I don't know...There just has to be an easier way. I want to accept it and move on. I want to be done with it finally. What do you do to finally convince yourself that its over?
Opeth2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Hey buddy, I just signed up this site today to make post a little advice article on breaking up and moving on because I feel I've had enough experience with some tough times lol. Anyhow, I actually just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday after a really tough few last months. I know she ended things with you, but whether you are the one being broken up with or the way around; I've learned you have to face it head on and accept it is what it is. What I suggest first is blocking her from absolutely any means possible for her to contact you. You can't have the slightest clue of what she is doing in her life, and can't have even the slightest hope she will contact you. You are holding on to the thought that maybe she will realize what she lost, and contact you. You have to basically assume her as dead. She died and is never coming back. Mourn your loss like you would a family member. Maybe take a day to remember the good times you had together, crack a smile, but at the end of the day, shes dead and none of those good memories are coming back. The worst thing you can do is sit around with even the 1% chance of her saying hello. Even if she did, it'd most likely be because shes bored and wants someone to talk, or maybe a new guy she met didn't work out so she wanted a confidence boost. Once she got that from you, she would be gone again anyway and it'd like be starting over from day one. I know personally, that's what I did yesterday was block her from everything possible. I know I made the mistake of checking her facebook one last time yesterday, and I saw she had plans with girlfriends and going out of town for the weekend. My mind immediately went south as I wondered who she was going to see, and what she would be doing. However, what she decides to do with her life is no longer my concern. And the thought of her getting drunk talking to friends and her wanting to contact me and apologize for her mistakes can't be a thought or even a hope. So I blocked her from everything in case she even tried. So that's my advice to you brother. Take a few days maybe to accept its truly over, and block her from everything. And never unblock her for any reason. Shes dead now. 4
Buriall Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 Phatgreenbuds, You wrote exactly the things I'm going through right now. For now what's been working for me the simple fact that she is gone. No matter what I could do, nothing will change the decision she's made for us. And I'm not gonna jump hundreds of hoops and twists try to change her mind etc. I'm simply letting it be, everybody copes differently. You just have to find out what will work for you.. I'm also interested in what others think on this matter.. Maybe more depth discussion would provide some positivity
SevenCity Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 There's really nothing you can do but distract yourself and let time pass. I promise you it will get better in time. It took me almost a year to get to that point that she is not coming back - but along the way I realized if she did there would be no point as the damage she caused by up and leaving was too much to repair. I've taken the time to rebuild myself and date other women. I've reflected on my part in the breakup (really speculation as I have no idea what happened) and worked to improve those things for future relationships. The first three months are going to be torture - push through it. Don't turn to drugs / alcohol. But, eventually, you will get past this. The thing that helped me is knowing that one day I will be past it and if I just held on another day I would be that much closer to the end. It would be easier if there was a known expiration date but that varies for everyone and every situation. I would also recommend checking out Corey Wayne, Craig Kenneth, and Mouth of Ape on YouTube. I learned a lot from all three and was definitely helped by them. 1
TwinFlameGone Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 tough situation... i feel what you're going through. especially how it appears that your SO walked away so easily. however, when my ex-GF was literally walking away I faked like I was "stoic" and strong. I was calm in the middle of my own emotional chaos. my only hope is that she was faking it the same way. her reaching out to me via minimal text actually sucked because she'd do little things like call me by my proper first name instead of my nickname that everyone knows me by. the combination of the little things makes me think that she's reaching out to screw with my head. to show me that she's fine without me and that I meant nothing to her. NC is really the best way - you avoid any pleading or inquiring about them. at the same time you come off and being fine with the breakup even though you're really not. i'm still uncertain how NC is really the answer. one thing i can attest to is it being the best thing for YOU. it prevents you from texting or calling too much and then getting hit with the "please stop contacting me" spill. NC takes lots of strength. either the ex will breakdown or you're forced to move on. no two ways about it. 1
cocoa342 Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 Big hugs to you. I am going through the same thing, only difference is i'm female and he is male. There's no easy way around this and there's no real way to accept it, other than time...it's damn painful. I am on day 7 no contact, how about you?
Rko28 Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 Hey mate. 4 months break up today, most of that NC. I don’t have her on any of my social Media (she still was following me on insta until recently) You wrote exactly how I feel, some days is ok, some days even now is almost unbearable. You will get told to just accept it, walk away etc but I think everyone is different, it will go when it goes. When and how I don’t know. Even now 4 months down the line I can’t see a day when I’m 100% over her and wanting her back.
Ieris Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 I remember thinking... I want him but he doesn't want me... I want him here but he doesn't want to be... Even if he reluctantly stuck around, knowing that he isn't happy and not wanting to be here doesn't make you feel good either. If you truly like/love someone do you want them to stay just to make you happy even though you know they are not? Don't trap a bird that wants to fly... no matter how reluctant you are... you have to set them free. When you set them free, you set yourself free. 1
SevenCity Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 tough situation... i feel what you're going through. especially how it appears that your SO walked away so easily. however, when my ex-GF was literally walking away I faked like I was "stoic" and strong. I was calm in the middle of my own emotional chaos. my only hope is that she was faking it the same way. her reaching out to me via minimal text actually sucked because she'd do little things like call me by my proper first name instead of my nickname that everyone knows me by. the combination of the little things makes me think that she's reaching out to screw with my head. to show me that she's fine without me and that I meant nothing to her. NC is really the best way - you avoid any pleading or inquiring about them. at the same time you come off and being fine with the breakup even though you're really not. i'm still uncertain how NC is really the answer. one thing i can attest to is it being the best thing for YOU. it prevents you from texting or calling too much and then getting hit with the "please stop contacting me" spill. NC takes lots of strength. either the ex will breakdown or you're forced to move on. no two ways about it. I've found it to be the answer for a few reasons: 1) You are giving them what they've asked for When they leave, they don't want you in their life. Occasionally the pill is too bitter for them to swallow so they reach out. Mostly because they are lonely, miss you, or things didn't work out with who they left you for / had their eyes on. Rarely because they want you back. It's giving them the space to feel what life is without you in it. Most are fine with it, some are not. 2) Gives you your power back You have to COMPLETELY remove them from your life in order to get over them. The hardest part of a breakup is the hit to the ego - not contacting them gives you your power back and helps you heal. Let's face it, as great as we thought they were, if a supermodel came along who was hotter / nicer / more generous / better in bed / richer / etc. we would forget about them pretty quickly. 3) Prevents speculation It stops you from getting info and piecing together your own nightmare situation. You have no idea what they are up to after you stop talking to them (if you are doing it right). They could be married, dead, partying, etc. For a while you will imagine the worst but then you'll realize you have no idea what's going on with them and stop creating situations because you don't have enough info to do so. 4) To Forget Removal of them from your life will make you forget. Just like any habit (getting dressed, brushing your teeth, getting morning coffee, etc.) your brain remembers and plans to do these thing instinctively and expects them. When you don't do it, you feel off and that something is wrong. Once you break a habit your brain will begin to get used to that. Eventually you will get used to them not being in your life to the point where one day you'll realize you didn't think about them. 5) Only thing you can do It forces you to do the only thing you can do - nothing. I'm sure many of us have done the "Grand Gesture", professions of love, you'll fix anything that's wrong, etc. The great thing about NC is you don't have to do ANYTHING. Just do nothing - it's simple. There is no thinking about how to do it or when to do it, you just don't do anything. It's really meant to help you heal and does wonders to make that time shorter. Any contact with your ex will set you back - sometimes to day one. Regardless if they reply or don't reply you'll regret it and feel much worse. Keep it up - it's the only way to get over them. 1
basil67 Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 Hang on - you broke up with her http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/635581-i-probably-blew As the dumper, if you want a second chance the onus is on you to reach out to her. However, I would suggest you re-read your old thread where you talk about why you broke up. From what you write, her only good points were that she was attractive and good in bed. As dumpee, she needs to retain her dignity. Hence not begging for you to come back. 2
TwinFlameGone Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 I've found it to be the answer for a few reasons: 1) You are giving them what they've asked for When they leave, they don't want you in their life. Occasionally the pill is too bitter for them to swallow so they reach out. Mostly because they are lonely, miss you, or things didn't work out with who they left you for / had their eyes on. Rarely because they want you back. It's giving them the space to feel what life is without you in it. Most are fine with it, some are not. Okay I get that part. How do you know when they are NOT fine with it. My ex-GF and I have broken up before. Sometimes "fake" fighting or doing it to piss each other off. In the past we'd be arguing and be in the same space and she'll breakdown and cry, I'd hold her and we'd be back together again. This time was final. I'm not sitting idle waiting for her, but I'm hoping that this is the wake up call for her. This is the first time that I truly walked away and meant it. 3 weeks NC (limited while exchanging belongings).
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