I don't feel good enough for him.

September 28, 2017

I realize this is totally my insecurity but I would like some outside opinions. I (27F) have been dating a wonderful man (31M) for the past seven months. He is pretty amazing, only issue that we ever had was I wanted more communication from him and he has done that. He treats me extremely well and isn't afraid of commitment, I've met his family and close friends and we have been on vacation together. We see each other about 1-3 times a week due to our schedules.

My issue is that I do not feel good enough. I just recently went back to school full time for my second degree which will be two years. I work part time and on weekends and have a roommate. I make enough to support myself but I don't have a lot of money left over for travelling, expensive dinners, etc... when we go out I do offer to pay for myself. If the bill is expensive usually he will pay, but I always offer.

He has a great job, just paid off his truck and recently bought a house he is moving into next month. I feel not good enough to be with him because right now I don't make much money. He is divorced (3-4 years) and his ex wife made good money and not to mention is gorgeous (I have seen pictures... and no they don't have contact and he is over her... she is married to another man and has a baby).

I have talked to him about this and he says he really doesn't mind and he likes that I'm not about money. But he and his ex had a house together and I can never really offer that in the expensive city we live in. I moved here from a small town.

Another issue is that I work weekends and evenings and he works Monday- Friday so there's not much time to see each other. Sometimes I do not take shifts at work so I can see him because that would be the only time I could. If I was single I would focus on school, and work.

Sorry this was long but I just wanted some thoughts. Do these issues matter? Again, it doesn't bother him at all and he is so sweet and supportive. He talks about the future with me (plans... not marriage or anything like that). I can definitely see myself with him for a long time.

Edited September 28, 2017 by acapelo_dp

September 28, 2017

I don't have a lot of money left over for travelling, expensive dinners, etc... when we go out I do offer to pay for myself. If the bill is expensive usually he will pay, but I always offer.
e.

This right here makes you good enough for me. You at least genuinely offer despite knowing he makes more than you. You're a keeper in my book.

One of the most frustrating things I encounter in dating is the woman defining for me what is good enough for me. If I'm happy with you, your position in life, how you treat me then let me be happy with that. Don't destroy my happy little world by trying to convince me that you are not in my league or that you don't have any money so you are not good enough for me. I will define what is good enough for me. All you have to do is be yourself and date me.

Let your man define what is good enough for him. You shouldn't do it for him. Maybe just being a decent human being and having a great personality is all he wants. I know it is all I want. Statistically, you won't make more money than me and I am aware of that. I am sure your man realizes this too. Just enjoy yourself. If he wants to pay, let him pay. But every now and then, just do something nice for him like make him a nice romantic dinner or take him on a picnic in the park. He will place more value on this than any expensive vacation or dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Don't define beauty for him either. He wants what he wants. I would leave it at that.

September 28, 2017

This right here makes you good enough for me. You at least genuinely offer despite knowing he makes more than you. You're a keeper in my book.

One of the most frustrating things I encounter in dating is the woman defining for me what is good enough for me. If I'm happy with you, your position in life, how you treat me then let me be happy with that. Don't destroy my happy little world by trying to convince me that you are not in my league or that you don't have any money so you are not good enough for me. I will define what is good enough for me. All you have to do is be yourself and date me.

Let your man define what is good enough for him. You shouldn't do it for him. Maybe just being a decent human being and having a great personality is all he wants. I know it is all I want. Statistically, you won't make more money than me and I am aware of that. I am sure your man realizes this too. Just enjoy yourself. If he wants to pay, let him pay. But every now and then, just do something nice for him like make him a nice romantic dinner or take him on a picnic in the park. He will place more value on this than any expensive vacation or dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Don't define beauty for him either. He wants what he wants. I would leave it at that.

Thank you for your reply. I have made him dinner at my place before and have treated him to meals or a movie occasionally as well. He always appreciates it but sometimes I feel embarrassed if he asks to do something and I can't afford it, and end up spending the money anyway. I drive up to see him more often than he comes to me lately as well (about a 25 minute drive). But when I didn't have a vehicle a few months ago he always picked me up and never complained.

But yeah I guess I should stop questioning things... I really have no complaints for this relationship although I would like to see him more. He treats me very well and is down to earth despite all the things he has. He has worked hard for it. I have brought up the money thing once or twice, but I will stop bribing it up and just enjoy things.

Thanks again

September 28, 2017

Your schedules aside, it also sounds like you are in a certain place now. After about 6-9 months the infatuation period wears off. You're now in the meat of a relationship, and much of that has to deal with conflicting schedules and changes. You don't feel as if you are good enough for him? That's a confidence issue. He should be happy and lucky to be with you no matter what the circumstances.

Resolve it and move forward. He's good enough, you're good enough, you're good enough for each other. Be happy together.

September 28, 2017

Your schedules aside, it also sounds like you are in a certain place now. After about 6-9 months the infatuation period wears off. You're now in the meat of a relationship, and much of that has to deal with conflicting schedules and changes. You don't feel as if you are good enough for him? That's a confidence issue. He should be happy and lucky to be with you no matter what the circumstances.

Resolve it and move forward. He's good enough, you're good enough, you're good enough for each other. Be happy together.

Yeah we are both busy people right now. I am in school full time, also work evenings and most weekends and need time with friends. He works, and has extra activities he does (mostly sports) which is great... but at times I feel like we don't see each other enough. He will always make time for me but I still feel kind of lonely sometimes. He seems to be fine with the 1-2 times a week and has never said anything about it.

Edited September 28, 2017 by acapelo_dp

September 28, 2017

Like another poster says, it's up to your man to decide if you are "good enough", not you. If he thought that, he wouldn't be seeing you. Be very careful here and try not to get carried away with these thoughts. My ex thought he wasn't good enough for me and self-destructed out relationship and ended it. I didn't understand what he saw and no amount of me convincing him otherwise helped. I couldn't change his view of himself, it came from inside him.

September 28, 2017

I do not think the money is really the issue, men often like to make more money than women and if you indeed made more money than him he may feel emasculated, which may have been one of the problems in his marriage.

He is probably perfectly happy treating you and "being the man".

Going forward are you going to to out earn him as he drives a truck and you are going to college?

I like the fact he is making plans and although it is early for marriage talks, you need to know if he would be open to being married again, because if not, do not make the mistake some women make in thinking she can persuade him.

Years down the line, she feels she has to leave as his mind has not changed one iota. A complete waste of her time.

You may not want ever to get married but if you do, do not assume that is what he will want too.

September 28, 2017

I don't see any problem in your relationship at all.

I see the problem with you sabotaging this relationship because he's not bringing the pain you associate with love, so you're conjuring up your own pain and trying to make it about him pulling one over on you ("how can he find me attractive? I go to school, his ex wife is prettier and has money, I work nights and weekends, I come from a small town...) instead of accepting that this really great guy likes you just as you are and he's showing you that.

Why don't you want to believe him? That really is the question you need to be addressing.

He will always make time for me but I still feel kind of lonely sometimes.

You can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. It never has anything to do with others: it has to do with you and how you choose to fill your voids. If you have to have it filled externally, then yeah, you're always going to be pining for someone to do that heavy lift for you. And this is one of the excuses as to why people cheat--because they don't know how to fill their own internal emotional voids and have to rely on external forces to do that.

Edited September 28, 2017 by kendahke

September 28, 2017

You both work hard and you have to take care of things. I don't see any issue with your lifestyle with him. Your not use to such man so you have concerns and he's been married prior and now divorce so he has experienced getting married and being married and also divorce too. You new to the game so you just go with the flow. You know relationships shouldn't be about the money it's about the love, respect , appreciation and loyalty is what counts. You shouldn't worry that you don't make a lot of money. Can I ask you this question you love this guy and does he love you back. If you have that what else would you like? You do your thing and he does his. You don't live with him and I am sure that will change later on.. Waking up with a person is a lot different than waking up on your own. Again you just have wonders of your mind you just need to say wait a minute why am I worried I have a great guy and we're good together.

September 28, 2017

I do not think the money is really the issue, men often like to make more money than women and if you indeed made more money than him he may feel emasculated, which may have been one of the problems in his marriage.

He is probably perfectly happy treating you and "being the man".
Going forward are you going to to out earn him as he drives a truck and you are going to college?

I like the fact he is making plans and although it is early for marriage talks, you need to know if he would be open to being married again, because if not, do not make the mistake some women make in thinking she can persuade him.
Years down the line, she feels she has to leave as his mind has not changed one iota. A complete waste of her time.
You may not want ever to get married but if you do, do not assume that is what he will want too.

Sorry he doesn't drive truck for a living - he works as a pipe fitter but the truck he owns he just paid off. I had a full time job working in social services and made enough to pay all my bills etc. I'm in school getting my social work degree. So I won't be rich but I won't be poor.

We have discussed marriage, why his ended and if he would be open to it again. He said that yes he would get married again if the time and the woman was right. He is very open to answering any questions I have which is great.

September 28, 2017

I don't see any problem in your relationship at all.

I see the problem with you sabotaging this relationship because he's not bringing the pain you associate with love, so you're conjuring up your own pain and trying to make it about him pulling one over on you ("how can he find me attractive? I go to school, his ex wife is prettier and has money, I work nights and weekends, I come from a small town...) instead of accepting that this really great guy likes you just as you are and he's showing you that.

Why don't you want to believe him? That really is the question you need to be addressing.

You can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. It never has anything to do with others: it has to do with you and how you choose to fill your voids. If you have to have it filled externally, then yeah, you're always going to be pining for someone to do that heavy lift for you. And this is one of the excuses as to why people cheat--because they don't know how to fill their own internal emotional voids and have to rely on external forces to do that.

Thank you for your response. It is my problem and I just need to accept that this guy likes me. My last relationship ended because he was terrified of commitment, couldn't make decisions and always changed his mind whether he wanted to be with me.

Being with this guy is the complete opposite and I just don't know how to take it, it's almost like I'm waiting until one day he just says he can't commit but there has been no red flags as of yet. I just have to believe that there are good men out there.

I should maybe find a hobby to occupy my time when he is busy and can't see me. For sure, you are right. Thanks so much

October 3, 2017

Over the weekend he took me to his new house to look at everything and asked my opinion where things should go,etc. The next day we went to a furniture store for 4 hours (lol not my thing but did my GF duty)... and he wanted my opinion on what furniture would look good and what I liked. He bought quite a bit of furniture.

He also asked plans for New Years. His friends are having a get together and asked if I would go.

It's refreshing to have a man want my opinion and involve me in decisions and future plans. Only thing as of lately is that he never says he loves me first. I was the one who said I love you first around July and he said it back a month later in August. However I noticed he never says it first. I definitely don't over use it... I say it pretty rarely actually cause I don't want to lose its meaning. I brought this up to him and he responded sometimes he wants to say it but then he doesn't almost like he forgets? Lol I don't understand. He's getting better at communicating feelings but I feel like this may be an issue?

Any thoughts? It's still early in our relationship but I'm an expressive person verbally,

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I don't feel good enough for him.

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