Confusion about compatibility Limbo

[heartoutside]

So, I haven't been on here in years. Last time was about 10 years ago after a hard break up. Got a lot of positive help.

 

I return LS because my girlfriend of 3+ years has started to have future compatibility questions, IE, if we'll be compatible down the road. Do we want the same things, or feel for the world on the same level (she's a very openly passionate, caring and loving woman). Which for me is very confusing, because we do. The only difference between us, is her hurt and pain she feels for those who suffer around the world and in every day life. It's not to say, I don't feel that pain too, I just don't show it the same and outwardly way that she does.

 

The quick story is, I went off to a trip to visit my parents on my own while my GF went on a birthday trip with her mother to Europe. While I was gone, I did a lot of self reflecting about how my attitude and fear got in the way of allowing me to be totally free and comfortable in our relationship. And I started to see that while on the surface, I wasn't selfish, deep down, I was being protectively selfish, and naturally this creates a situation where your partner can feel resentment and distance.

 

It's sad that it took me so long to realize it and I wish I had sooner.

 

But, my girlfriend returned from her trip with an opposite self reflection, that she was feeling that going down the road, we may not be compatible.

 

It was a few days after her return that I could tell something was up, and I asked, and she let me know. I didn't know how to react, I said maybe it's best I move out, she said no, and we cried and talked for hours. (too much to go into).

 

Later that evening we went to see our couples therapist, who we actually had just started seeing about 3 weeks prior to our trips. And again we talked about my GF worries, and I felt like we had broken up while in therapy. Our therapist even said, I'm confused, last time we talked you seemed fine and this wasn't an issue, but now it is?

 

The other thing that is crazy, is just before our session, we stopped in at a thrift store just to check things out. And my GF found a copper skillet, and I bought it! She was so excited, but earlier that day, she was hesitant about selling my dresser, because she thought I should keep it "just in case."

 

Since then, we haven't talked much about the gorilla in the room. We both had to go on trips again (separately) all of which were planned a long time ago.

 

While I was gone, she was texting and letting me know what she was doing and how she was doing. When she was leaving the house for the airport (she called and left a VM letting me know she made it) and then sent me a selfie from the plane.

 

Since she's been on her trip, (which is a peaceful retreat more or less). She's been with no phone, and has sent me a few emails here and there about how her trip has been amazing and wonderful! But then says things like "looking forward to seeing you and talking"

 

I'm not sure if I'm reading into it too much or what I'm doing.

 

Right now, I'm just giving her the space she needs to figure it out, and not pushing it. I'm keeping up with my self reflection and what I can do to better myself, which at this point is all I can do.

 

She returns tomorrow, while I'm at work, so I've decided that I'll be leaving her favorite flowers on the table to welcome her home.

 

But other than that, I'm not sure what else I can do?

[heartoutside]

So, we broke up this evening. That is to say she came back from her trip with her aunt and I already knew the gorrila was in the room. So after we talked about our trips she mentions she cancelled her haircut appointment for Saturday, to which I reply, "do you still want to see Sara (our couples therapist)." She says maybe I guess, so I say "look let's just take a break from seeing her, I was also thinking maybe it's best I go stay with my brother for a little while and give you some space."

 

Her reply was, you want to talk about this now. So we do. She's says for some time now she just feels like we're not compatible, that her heart isn't full. Now it isn't because I'm not loving or caring it's just that she hasn't been the compassionate and fulling person she used to be.

 

This talk goes on for sometime and I try telling her that I have seen what my role in our relationship has been and what I need to change. But after talking for some time I realize I'm just trying to convince her to stay, which won't work. So I pack my bag and I give her a big kiss and hug, and say goodbye.

 

 

Some 3 hours later she's texts a super long text, saying she had hoped that her return from her trip wouldn't have started like this and that she would have hoped we would have been in the same space to try and figure out how to take the next steps. That she cares for me deeply and my efforts to reach and connect with her have not gone unnoticed. She ends with saying "These last weeks I came up against something that really scares me. I have lost so much of my deep commitment and passion that has always defined me, those that know me the best tell me I've been a shadow of myself, like a shade has been pulled over me for a long time now. I don't know whether that is the fault of our relationship - probably not. But either way, I need to regain my spark and this seems like the right thing, to get back to myself, to give back and focus on myself and hone in on what fills me."

 

If you want to talk, please tell me. If you don't want to, I also understand.

 

Followed by please let me know when/if we can meet this weekend.

[Poutrew]

Look, your girlfriend thinks she is Jesus Christ, and you are holding her back from absorbing all the pain and misery the human condition offers. After some inner reflection I hope you come to the conclusion that there was no way you could hold on to this girl - and really, why would you want to? Being in a successful relationship is work enough and that is with only two people involved - sharing your gal with the rest of humanity makes a long term relationship impossible, and destined only for heartache... remember the last time Jesus was on this planet, things didn't go so well for him...

[elaine567]

Your gf spent time in Europe with her mother, and I guess her mother told her that she was different and a shadow of her former self.

She then goes off on a trip with her aunt who probably told her the same thing.

 

"This relationship is killing the "real" you, it has changed you, you are not the same woman you used to be, the spark is gone... he is not the man for you..."

 

She, given the time and space away from you, realises that that was true, so she breaks up with you.

 

There is nothing you can do about that.

She appears to have made her mind up.

Sorry!