Totally Smitten - Not Sure What to Do

[SevenCity]

Sevencity it seemed that you were simply not loved enough, to Now Try and scare every man is stupid- He has to spot for himselves if she is the right one-

Gosh gosh gosh, Reading such Things and believing them is like putting your life in the hands of stupidity- why not just trust and follow your own instinct- instead of playing games to keep them- that way youll lose them and yourselves the very Thing you think you prevent:cool: Just because i "was Hurt" (Hurt myselves) by one wrong man doesnt Mean every man is like him, i just had to have trusted My intuition:cool: With your approach(playing hard to get, right?) im afraid you wont get at least the woman who is for you for more than a month:p

 

Another piece of advice is don't listen to advice like this.

 

Take a look at the posts here, talk to male friends, talk to people. I'm not basing this on my experience alone....

[TaxMan]

Yeah. I've been reading a good bit on here from people who've been burned and heartbroken. I've been there, too. I know how hard it is.

 

The thing is, I think it's probably more common for people on these boards to be heartbroken than it is for them to be happy, so maybe the sample size is skewed? Like, how many people like me who are madly in love are out there posting on message boards about it? Probably not as many as those who've had their hearts trampled on, I'm guessing.

 

Not to say that your advice isn't valid or appreciated - it is.

[SevenCity]

Yeah. I've been reading a good bit on here from people who've been burned and heartbroken. I've been there, too. I know how hard it is.

 

The thing is, I think it's probably more common for people on these boards to be heartbroken than it is for them to be happy, so maybe the sample size is skewed? Like, how many people like me who are madly in love are out there posting on message boards about it? Probably not as many as those who've had their hearts trampled on, I'm guessing.

 

Not to say that your advice isn't valid or appreciated - it is.

 

Absolutely it's skewed here. The only ones talking about how happy they are are usually trying to convince themselves.

 

But when you look at the stats, women initiate the majority of the breakups and divorces. I'm sure not all the 60%+ of men who get divorced go into it thinking it would fail one day. A large portion of guys who get dumped say "It was out of the blue! Never saw it coming!". That's because they don't know what to look for and how to treat a woman.

 

In the RL's I've had since it's worked like an equation - use this input / get this output. I was shocked to see how it works so well and how quickly they will fall for you. It can be tiring though and there are a lot of Ms. Wrong's out there.

 

It's refreshing to hear how happy you are with her because most people are not this happy.

 

My advice isn't meant to spew bitterness, rather to make sure you STAY this happy!

[Chilli]

Sevencity it seemed that you were simply not loved enough, to Now Try and scare every man is stupid- He has to spot for himselves if she is the right one-

Gosh gosh gosh, Reading such Things and believing them is like putting your life in the hands of stupidity- why not just trust and follow your own instinct- instead of playing games to keep them- that way youll lose them and yourselves the very Thing you think you prevent:cool: Just because i "was Hurt" (Hurt myselves) by one wrong man doesnt Mean every man is like him, i just had to have trusted My intuition:cool: With your approach(playing hard to get, right?) im afraid you wont get at least the woman who is for you for more than a month:p

 

Yeah tbh this is the way l went and would , l mena we wait all our lives for this stuff , yet we're suppose to push it away on purpose, yaknow, and spend the whole of the best time we'll ever experience , effg around with bullship. so yeah , l dunno where the line is myself but what you've said is often what l've thought in the end.

Have you been married , for a long time, it does seem that in marriage long term , it is a really healthy thing to keep your own life a bit too , but really , l'm not sure about that either, depends on the couple.

And mine blew up anyway so don't listen to me haha.

But l've always noticed long married older people just love pottering around together and almost fret if ones not there so, again ,dunno.

my mum and dad ended up like that.it was beautiful and funny to watch.

My gf's parents are like that too. 80s.but have been for 50yrs.

Edited September 29, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Yeah. I've been reading a good bit on here from people who've been burned and heartbroken. I've been there, too. I know how hard it is.

 

The thing is, I think it's probably more common for people on these boards to be heartbroken than it is for them to be happy, so maybe the sample size is skewed? Like, how many people like me who are madly in love are out there posting on message boards about it? Probably not as many as those who've had their hearts trampled on, I'm guessing.

 

Not to say that your advice isn't valid or appreciated - it is.

 

Yeah definitely, l know the last thing l care about when l was was all this stuff and message boards.

And l do think it seems to often be mostly the long term single people and stuff on them , but l could be wrong. They certainly mostly date more than l ever thought possible l know that much but again ,l could be wrong.

 

l don't take any of it too seriously though .

[TaxMan]

Yeah definitely, l know the last thing l care about when l was was all this stuff and message boards.

And l do think it seems to often be mostly the long term single people and stuff on them , but l could be wrong. They certainly mostly date more than l ever thought possible l know that much but again ,l could be wrong.

 

l don't take any of it too seriously though .

 

I've found great advice on these boards when I was going through my divorce, just reading along before I joined as an official member. Since I've been dating, it's hit and miss, with a good mix between people who have been burned a few too many times and bring that experience to the advice that they give (understandable) and younger, naive folks who have yet to be burned who are maybe too trusting and/or inexperienced to give really good advice.

 

I've been burned many times by relationships by being too trusting, and I guess I could stand to be a bit more skeptical and gun shy, but it's hard when you're in love to see beyond the haze. That's why I came here, to help cut through my own rose-colored googly eyes.

[Chilli]

Yeah right and fair enough. '

l know my divorce forum was the best support l found anywhere too.

 

But l could imagine then with plenty of burns how cautious you must be feeling and l don't blame ya.

l don't really date l've always been in a relationship or married but , she does sound like a pretty scary world out there these days l must admit and l saw enough with a short date site stint to tell me that much,

 

Good luck with everything anyway.

[TaxMan]

Yeah right and fair enough. '

l know my divorce forum was the best support l found anywhere too.

 

But l could imagine then with plenty of burns how cautious you must be feeling and l don't blame ya.

l don't really date l've always been in a relationship or married but , she does sound like a pretty scary world out there these days l must admit and l saw enough with a short date site stint to tell me that much,

 

Good luck with everything anyway.

 

Thanks. I have been burned a bunch, yeah, but I am trying real hard not to let that color my thinking about this. She doesn't deserve to be painted with the same brush as the other women I've know simply by virtue of her also being a woman.

 

That said, it is terrifying to feel this intensely for someone and not know what the future holds.

 

I am trying to be very zen about this and not get too attached to things and remember that everything has an end point. Either the relationship ends, or one of us dies. Everything is temporary, right? So enjoy it while it lasts.

 

Easy to say, less easy to do.

[SevenCity]

Thanks. I have been burned a bunch, yeah, but I am trying real hard not to let that color my thinking about this. She doesn't deserve to be painted with the same brush as the other women I've know simply by virtue of her also being a woman.

 

That said, it is terrifying to feel this intensely for someone and not know what the future holds.

 

I am trying to be very zen about this and not get too attached to things and remember that everything has an end point. Either the relationship ends, or one of us dies. Everything is temporary, right? So enjoy it while it lasts.

 

Easy to say, less easy to do.

 

It's great that you are able to be open despite your past experience. I was in the same boat before I met my ex. Any girl who I REALLY liked broke my heart...bad. I left others and had others leave me and didn't really care too much. But the few who I really loved crushed me. I ended up getting married to a girl who would never have hurt me and I ended up hurting her instead because although safe she wasn't what I wanted.

 

When I met my ex I said to myself "F@&k it". I decided to throw out everything I had learned and not assume she would turn out the same as every other woman. She was different.

 

This had a two pronged effect: 1) I created a connection deeper with her than I've ever had with another human being in my life, 2) I assumed because she felt the same she would never leave. For years it was blissful. We didn't need anyone else but each other - it was like us against the world.

 

As a result I lost who I was and relied on her for my happiness; after all, why should I look outside when I had everything I wanted right in front of me? We did everything together like two best friends. Sex was the best I've ever had due to the deep emotional connection.

 

Women love different than men. They more base it on emotions. If things are making them feel good they are happy. When they feel hurt (real or imagined) they are more likely to leave. Men tend to stick around longer and realize temporary problems are just that - temporary.

 

Also, women have a MUCH easier time finding a replacement. Look how long the average woman stays single after a breakup than a guy. That factors in when they are unsure - it's taken for granted they can find another man whereas most guys feel they will never get laid again at first. It's like having a skill set that all employers want - you tend not to worry about finding another job.

 

So I've been on a mission of learning since my breakup. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again as I don't want to deal with having my heart ripped out. During this year I've dated many women and see all the patterns I decided to ignore with my ex. I've gone from having women say I'm the best and they love me to hating me (because I gave up and stopped trying as they were not worth the trouble). It's an equation like I said.

 

Cookies made a good point about the power held by the person who cares less. I will add to that and say this power is best held by the man. We don't look down on a woman when they make us their world - we like it. Women, on the other hand, don't want that kind of power. It makes them eventually feel sick. They want to know you are a man and will be ok without them. That's what attracted them in the first place. You have to continue to be loving and supportive while also being able to stand alone. It's counterintuitive because they will often be upset at first but ultimately they want you to be a man. They want to know you are genuine and to make them feel safe. If the cool guy they met when first dating turns into a blubbering pile of emotions it has the opposite effect.

 

So you are right to worry. I was in your state for 6.5 years. I assumed her "nothing" response when I asked what was wrong was really nothing. I was wrong....but more than that I started to finally see the pattern that when I showed true love and become dependent on them for my happiness it caused them to eventually leave. Not saying it will happen over night but it will happen. And being dependent on them will be awesome to them at first, then it won't be. Being dependent on someone will also bring out unfair ugly emotions when they let you down like disappointment. Even if you never say anything they can sense it.

 

Be fun, protect her, support her, encourage her, praise her, don't take her for granted, but always know you will be ok if she leaves as that will keep her from leaving.

 

Call me crazy, but I've been through this several times and have seen this same story play out again and again and again.

 

Nothing against women but be careful of the advice you take from them. When you ask a woman what she wants in a guy and look at the guys they really fell for it's often a different person than they described. Like I said, what they say they want and what they respond positively to are often very different.