Totally Smitten - Not Sure What to Do

[TaxMan]

I completely agree. You have to be vulnerable to truly love. How does that Facebookish saying go "Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting that they won't" lol... I like it, anyway. I couldn't imagine feeling so emotionally separate from my partner that i'd be totally prepared for them to up and leave one day. I don't even think you can fall that way.

 

To be totally honest, that was how I approached my marriage, which ended in divorce and my ex cheating on me. In the back of my mind, I KNEW the situation wasn't right. I knew things were going to end someday, I just didn't know how. I just knew, deep in my subconscious.

 

Now, I don't have that feeling at all. It might end some day, but I certainly can't envision it, and I don't want to.

[Noideanow]

sevencity- you have not walked his shoes so you dont know if the feeling you experienced are the same he experience no comparison:( you think its the same but who knows.. also the two women are not the same.. 99% of women and their capacity to love i would not like to be compared to:cool: People are sooo different:cool:

[Noideanow]

i can see where you come from, but still even if you were together more just the electricity from being a man and a woman and also the fact that you would do different things even when together would give plenty opportunity for continued inspiration and things to talk about:bunny: i dont think you should worry about that:cool: she will love you more and more (clichee i know;))the more she looks at you and you look back at her:cool: no maybe thats speculation but it sure wont decrease:p

[TaxMan]

i can see where you come from, but still even if you were together more just the electricity from being a man and a woman and also the fact that you would do different things even when together would give plenty opportunity for continued inspiration and things to talk about:bunny: i dont think you should worry about that:cool: she will love you more and more (clichee i know;))the more she looks at you and you look back at her:cool: no maybe thats speculation but it sure wont decrease:p

 

I hope you're right. TBH, it's the first time I feel like I can be 100 percent my true self with someone this quickly, and (go figure!) it seems to be working.

 

LOL.

[Noideanow]

you are lucky:cool: SHE is LUCKY:cool:

[TaxMan]

you are lucky:cool: SHE is LUCKY:cool:

 

Ha! I feel very lucky. Thanks.

Her, not so much. :laugh:

[Gaeta]

I agree that anyone can leave at any time, but acting as if they will, to me, is not necessarily the way to go. It seems like a way to a self-fulfilling prophecy, to never fully trust anyone.

 

I'd rather open myself up to getting hurt and trust someone completely. That, to me, is the only way to have a really fulfilling relationship. If you're not open to getting hurt, you're not really all in, are you?

 

That's not really what Sevencity was meaning. If I may I will extrapolate on his thought.

 

In 2004 I left a relationship of 4 years in which I had made the man the center of my life. When we split I had a trip down to hell. For months I didn't live, I only survived. When this relationship ended I lost all my references and felt like a wondering soul with no purpose or Identity. I had lost my purpose to live.

 

Fast forward years.

 

Now I am in a relationship, I am in love head over heels with this man and I'd lay in the middle of a highway for him, I am not holding back on 'feeling' for him BUT I am not making him the purpose of my life. I kept having personal challenges that does not include him, I kept having personal interests that are mine alone, I kept having furture goals that don't involve him.

 

If one day him and I split I will be heart-broken for sure! but I will not have a trip down to hell ! because when I lose him I will have something left to turn to, I will have a life of my own that I've nurtured and maintained.

[No_Go]

When this relationship ended I lost all my references and felt like a wondering soul with no purpose or Identity. I had lost my purpose to live.

 

It is interesting, I feel that way after every relationship ending, although I never been overly infatuated with my long-term exes. I guess it is more about breaking habit than breaking heart.

 

When I ended my terrible LTR last year I felt completely lost for months, although I was super busy in the meanwhile with my own stuff: I got my first home and I was dealing with all the bureaucracy and subsequent repairs etc all by myself, writing articles on top of my regular job etc. I was still feeling very strange: like part of my life was cut out (we kept 'dating' for 6-8 months post-breakup with no intention to come back for good, we were terrible for each other out of bed, but just breaking habit doesn't happen in an instance no matter what).

 

I guess I still enjoy a lot the feeling of infatuation and will not advice anyone to hold back on this because it just gives so much positive emotions (and emotions in general!). OP sounds like head over heels with his girlfriend - I guess the best thing in his case is to embrace the opportunity - it happens so few and far in between...

[JuneL]

Nowhere in this thread did I have the impression that OP's new love is his sole source of happiness or life purpose.

[Gaeta]

Nowhere in this thread did I have the impression that OP's new love is his sole source of happiness or life purpose.

 

He said several times she is his only source of happines, to a point it scares him.

[No_Go]

He said several times she is his only source of happines, to a point it scares him.

 

I think it is just a hyperbolic expression which is normal for someone in love:)

[SevenCity]

That's not really what Sevencity was meaning. If I may I will extrapolate on his thought.

 

In 2004 I left a relationship of 4 years in which I had made the man the center of my life. When we split I had a trip down to hell. For months I didn't live, I only survived. When this relationship ended I lost all my references and felt like a wondering soul with no purpose or Identity. I had lost my purpose to live.

 

Fast forward years.

 

Now I am in a relationship, I am in love head over heels with this man and I'd lay in the middle of a highway for him, I am not holding back on 'feeling' for him BUT I am not making him the purpose of my life. I kept having personal challenges that does not include him, I kept having personal interests that are mine alone, I kept having furture goals that don't involve him.

 

If one day him and I split I will be heart-broken for sure! but I will not have a trip down to hell ! because when I lose him I will have something left to turn to, I will have a life of my own that I've nurtured and maintained.

 

Thank you for clarifying. That's exactly what I meant and exactly what happened to me.

 

I parted with friends and wasn't close with my family, I hated my job.

 

My reason for getting out of bed was her. We did everything together and had an amazing time. We helped and supported each other and were always there for each other through the good and the bad.

 

Then one day *poof* she was gone. I didn't know what to do with myself. My entire identity was linked to her. I felt like I was walking around with no soul.

 

All I was left with was pain and questions and too much time on my hands. It was literally hell for a year and a pain i cannot describe to someone without a common frame of reference.

 

My point is you need to diversify your happiness. I've seen the same thing happen to people who make their jobs their life then get laid off. That was their identity and they never recover.

 

I used this time to better myself and now am in Gaeta's camp. It's got nothing to do with not caring if they leave, and everything to do with being a complete person without them.

[JuneL]

 

I parted with friends and wasn't close with my family, I hated my job.

 

 

Anyone whose life is like that is doomed to be miserable, with or without a lover. Must be super stressed out to be with someone who isolates himself like that.

[SevenCity]

sevencity- you have not walked his shoes so you dont know if the feeling you experienced are the same he experience no comparison:( you think its the same but who knows.. also the two women are not the same.. 99% of women and their capacity to love i would not like to be compared to:cool: People are sooo different:cool:

 

If you've experienced love like this, you know what it is like.

 

Of course I'm not him and my ex is not his current gf. But you begin to see patterns that women follow. Sure they are not all the same, but most of them are. Could she be in the 1%? Sure. Is it likely? No.

 

And I'm not trying to piss in his cornflakes, I'm trying to stop him from making the same mistakes I (and MANY men) did so she DOESN'T leave.

 

I appreciate your encouraging words and predictions the relationship will play out like a Hollywood love story, but the reality is most relationships fail. The reason most fail is because guys don't understand women and women think they want one thing but respond positively to something else.

 

I WANT the op to be happy and keep this feeling forever with this girl because I know what it is like to lose it and have no idea why.

[SevenCity]

Anyone whose life is like that is doomed to be miserable, with or without a lover. Must be super stressed out to be with someone who isolates himself like that.

 

I wasn't isolating myself, our relationship grew to a point where we found more happiness in each other and eventually spending all our time together.

 

I realize now this was wrong but if felt great at the time. I won't be making that mistake ever again.

[TaxMan]

He said several times she is his only source of happines, to a point it scares him.

 

OK - to clarify ... I never said she was my *only* source of happiness - I did say that I can't stop thinking about her to the point that it distracts me for hours and I don't know how to stop that and that it keeps getting more intense every time I see her and, yes, it is scary.

 

But ... I have a daughter and friends and hobbies and a job and things that I love apart from her. Yes, she occupies most of my thoughts and brings me joy, but she's not the ONLY thing in my life that does so.

[TaxMan]

My entire identity was linked to her.

 

So, this is the scenario I am trying to avoid, I guess. I don't want this to be the case, which is why I am trying not to see her every day and trying not to think about her all the time. I don't think it's healthy, but it's hard to stop b/c I care for her so much it's ridiculous.

 

I get what you're saying - I guess what I am saying is I'm actively trying NOT to end up at the point where my entire identity is tied to her. I don't want that to happen, even though I completely adore everything about her.

 

Does that make sense?

[Gaeta]

So, this is the scenario I am trying to avoid, I guess. I don't want this to be the case, which is why I am trying not to see her every day and trying not to think about her all the time. I don't think it's healthy, but it's hard to stop b/c I care for her so much it's ridiculous.

 

I get what you're saying - I guess what I am saying is I'm actively trying NOT to end up at the point where my entire identity is tied to her. I don't want that to happen, even though I completely adore everything about her.

 

Does that make sense?

 

It makes sense and it's very smart of you. You have not been dating her for very long so it's normal you are still in that honeymoon/infatuation phase. This phase will eventually settle down and make place for 'real' feelings, or not. Just be aware that this infatuation phase is a trick of the brain and it's not about real deep meaningful feelings, those come later on after the infatuation phase.

 

People love differently each partner they had. I have had a boyfriend I was so infatuated with him I could not sleep. We spent 2-3 nights a week together and I could not fall asleep at all those nights because of the adrenaline rush I felt next to him. It lasted 6 months. I didn't sleep for 6 months. He told me he loved me, his friends told me he could not shut up about me, his children loved me and this man STILL got up and left our relationship without a word after 6 months!! Everyone was flabbergasted! That's what Sevencity was warning you about, people do change their mind that's why you have to protect yourself by A) keeping a life of your own B) Being aware nothing is guaranteed in life, ever.

 

Now I am in a relationship and I sleep like a baby next to my man. I much prefer this kind of deep calm safe love to the one I experienced with the 6 month guy.

[Miss Spider]

I think part of your identity does become intertwined with that which you love. It's inevitable. That's why heartbreak sucks so bad. It takes a piece of you. But it doesn't last forever. You pick yourself up, brush off, heal, move on and find love again. But it shouldn't be ALL of your identity. That's really unhealthy

Edited September 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[TaxMan]

I think part of your identity does become intertwined with that which you love. It's inevitable. That's why heartbreak sucks so bad. It takes a piece of you. But it doesn't last forever. You pick yourself up, brush off, heal, move on and find love again. But it shouldn't be ALL of your identity. That's really unhealthy

 

Yeah, the scary part of this is that I feel like I have so little control over my own emotions right now. Every time I see her, they get more intense.

 

So it's like my choices are to keep seeing her and let that keep happening and put myself in danger of getting hurt, or to stop seeing her (which doesn't make sense because we love each other).

 

It's scary to think what *could* happen, but I guess the alternative (not seeing her) is worse.

[Chilli]

Well , your goin pretty slow , and your doin other stuff ,dunno what else you can do.

But that's the thing about these feelings, they're the best feeling on the planet and just about any human deep down longs for them..

So l wouldn't wanna be denying myself of them or pushing them away too much.

 

But they're scary as fk.

[SevenCity]

So, this is the scenario I am trying to avoid, I guess. I don't want this to be the case, which is why I am trying not to see her every day and trying not to think about her all the time. I don't think it's healthy, but it's hard to stop b/c I care for her so much it's ridiculous.

 

I get what you're saying - I guess what I am saying is I'm actively trying NOT to end up at the point where my entire identity is tied to her. I don't want that to happen, even though I completely adore everything about her.

 

Does that make sense?

 

It does and I totally get it. Having been in LTRs and a marriage before and just now you are experiencing this kind of connection is scary to say the least - same happened to me. It's like going from coffee to crack - it's like nothing you've ever experienced and you want more all the time like an addict.

 

That's the strange thing about women. Initially she would love to be the center of your world - many will even say as much. But as time goes on (could be years as was my case) they begin to lose respect for you on an unconscious level. That's why you hear so many women saying "I"m just not sure about us" when they dump you as they don't understand what happened.

 

I'm not saying to change anything - what you are doing is working. But my advice is two fold:

 

1) Keep her long term

2) Prevent utter disaster if she does leave

 

As things are new I'm sure the feeling will lessen in time. I'm not saying you won't like her as much (or more), but that crack-addict like behavior will subside as the initial infatuation wears off. That's another important thing - if you establish routines that are not sustainable she will think you love her less (good morning / night calls, opening car doors, breaking plans to be with her, etc.). Don't do anything you can't sustain long term. It will be "He used to do X and never does, he doesn't love me as much" in her mind.

 

You are doing what you can - take care of your daughter and live your life but make sure you continue to do that over time. Make time for your new girl but also make time for yourself. Allow her to do most of the chasing as that way SHE is reaching out to YOU on her schedule. No danger in coming across as needy. Not playing games, but taking her cues as to how she wants to progress things.

 

Also remember in a woman's mind they say what they feel IN THAT MOMENT. I remember my ex saying I was the most amazing man and she would never leave. We know how that turned out.

 

Don't take her for granted and make her feel safe, loved, and wanted. Women grow through praise, not direct tough love like men do (learned this one the hard way).

 

I would also pick up the book "The 5 Love Languages". It's a great read and can help you give her what she needs to stay in love long term.

Edited September 29, 2017 by SevenCity

[Miss Spider]

That happens usually not because theyre women but because when one person is way more interested than the other. The beginning when both people are equally smitten with each other is really disgusting to see but there is no clinginess because both people are into it. But one person eventually drops off a little bit. Relationships where people very stay into each other there is delicate ebb and flow and interest level in each other is about even. But in a lot of of relationships there is one person who is wayyy more into the other... As time goes on, this is more and more apparent to the point sometimes the scales are tipped so far that the less invested/interest person starts to wonder what else is out there. They take the other person for granted and lose respect entirely. They want out. it sucks but I think it's a dynamic of relationships a lot of time unless like I said you cant keep that delicate balance where there is a even-ish push/pull, ebb/flow. The best way to do that would be if you see yourself going overboard and they pull away, pull away as well and focus on yourself and other things in your life. Take the focus off the person for a while even if it hurts and focus back to the things that made it great before they were there. Never stop developing/improving/investing in you!!!

Edited September 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

Also remember in a woman's mind they say what they feel IN THAT MOMENT. I remember my ex saying I was the most amazing man and she would never leave. We know how that turned out.

 

Men do this as well, it's not a matter of being male or female. It's human nature.

[Noideanow]

Sevencity it seemed that you were simply not loved enough, to Now Try and scare every man is stupid- He has to spot for himselves if she is the right one-

Gosh gosh gosh, Reading such Things and believing them is like putting your life in the hands of stupidity- why not just trust and follow your own instinct- instead of playing games to keep them- that way youll lose them and yourselves the very Thing you think you prevent:cool: Just because i "was Hurt" (Hurt myselves) by one wrong man doesnt Mean every man is like him, i just had to have trusted My intuition:cool: With your approach(playing hard to get, right?) im afraid you wont get at least the woman who is for you for more than a month:p